Was dating a married man who has a child; what to do now?

[Alea Ruere]

I went on vacation in a developing country and was part of a tour with a reputable travel company (not a local business) with some friends and other strangers from different countries. We all got along extremely well and continue to stay in touch in the group chat that the tour guide had created for the tour. The tour guide later asked me to date him once I had returned to my own country, because he apparently liked me but was afraid that my friends would be protective over me and he couldn’t risk his job and express his interest while I was his customer. It is common for people in his country, especially tour guides, to do a romance scam for money or citizenship/passport (through marriage eventually), so it it true that my friends would have been worried about that. 
 

I agreed to get to know him and we were in a long distance relationship for months. His communication was poor (he never initiated contact and was slow to respond whenever he was in his village or in his home city between tours) and we had arguments about this and I had wanted us to end the relationship several times. The final time, I sent him an email saying we aren’t compatible and we should move on. I let him know the issues we had and that he should be honest and tell me what he wanted out of this relationship, because he had nothing to lose; I didn’t want to continue as we were. He asked me for some time to go through the email and respond to each part. I gave him an ultimatum, which was that I wanted him to video call me from his apartment in the city when his tour ended. (Our video calls were always when he was on tour, or when he was out and about in his city; never inside his apartment.) He agreed and even messaged days later when his tour ended to say that he would call me the next night. When he didn’t, I sent a message the next day to say I would take that as him hiding something, and was he not going to address the fact that he never called me? He phoned me minutes later to explain why. I pushed him to admit that he couldn’t call me from his apartment because he was hiding something, but he insisted that wasn’t the case, and that he had proof for last night and would send it. I also reminded him that he never replied to my email. He said sheepishly, “Oh, yes.” And then he did send the proof after we ended the call.

 

A few days later, I still hadn’t heard from him, so I messaged to say I wouldn’t wait forever. He didn’t read it even though he had been online a few times, which was normal for him. I sent some follow up messages, which he also didn’t read, and that wasn’t normal. I waited a couple more days and phoned him when I could see he was online; he didn’t answer and never read the messages. I took it to mean that he was ghosting me and we were done. But I was very suspicious about this, because I had already said we should part ways. He didn’t need to ghost me. It would only be if he had something to hide. (Interestingly enough, he continues to read what we send in the group chat, and he liked a picture that one of my friends sent but he deliberately avoids anything that I send. If I am the last person to message in the chat, he doesn’t open the chat and waits for other people to respond before reading.)

 

Through some bizarre coincidence, I was able to obtain information from someone else who works at his tour company. They told me he’s married, and not only that, he has a child. 😱 But he lies to customers and even people he works with. He tells most people that he doesn’t have a wife. It made me wonder if he has this separate identity at work because he does this regularly or he was waiting for a chance to try this. Maybe he finds customers and asks them out to entertain himself, or worse, he was testing things out with me to see how successful he might be and intends to try again now that he’s confident there are no consequences. I don’t want him to think that he got away with it and then continue with future customers. He had urged me to go back to his country many times so we could meet in person, but I refused because I didn’t trust him, and I worry that other women would be at risk if he can convince them to go. I want him to know that I know the truth. I’m sure he doesn’t know that I know, because he hasn’t blocked me, he hasn’t left the group chat, etc. He thinks he’s perfectly safe. And I also feel the right thing to do is contact the tour company, because this is a scenario where their tour guide is using the work setting to meet someone and then cheating with this person, even if the person doesn’t know it. At the same time, I don’t want to approach this from a sense of revenge. My thoughts are in turmoil about the whole thing.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Alea Ruere said:

My thoughts are in turmoil about the whole thing.

I’m not sure why. This relationship never got off the ground - his communication was poor and that was likely because he was otherwise occupied with his family and however many other women he has been “dating.”

If you must, notify his employer. Otherwise, be glad that you learned the truth before you invested more of your time and money on this guy… Personally, I would block him and avoid any more drama. It’s not your responsibility to save the world from this deceitful and dishonest man - take care of yourself and he will get what he deserves in his own time…

Edited Friday at 04:25 AM by BaileyB

[Leihla_B]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not your responsibility to save the world from this deceitful and dishonest man - take care of yourself and he will get what he deserves in his own time…

I agree. His lousy communication alone would have shut me down so fast there'd have been no chance for drama whatsoever. OP, you invested too much interest in some flake who never offered you anything to base that on. You can fear for all of the people who might do the same, but consider instead that not too many would be so willing.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

His lousy communication alone would have shut me down so fast there'd have been no chance for drama whatsoever. OP, you invested too much interest in some flake who never offered you anything to base that on.

Totally agree. Which is why I say that I’m not sure why OP is in turmoil - I can’t see how you could have developed feelings for this man given the lack of communication and the fact that you never truly dated the man. I would chalk this up to a near miss - and be grateful about that. 

If there is learning here it is to not be so invested and date men who treat you with respect… it’s not good when you are asking a man that you have not actually dated to communicate more consistently with you. I’m that situation - you dump him, you don’t try to change him…

As Leihla said and your friends tried to tell you - this guy was carrying a red flag. You need to ask yourself why you didn’t heed it, because many other women would have either not entertained his offer or walked away at the first hint that he was not communicative or consistent. 

Edited Friday at 01:14 PM by BaileyB

[Alea Ruere]

Ah no, sorry, I didn’t give all the details because I was worried I would be longwinded and bore everyone to death. Outside of the times he was in his village (once every six weeks or so) or in his home city (two times a month), we had a pretty typical LDR. We had video calls (1-2 hours) whenever he was on tour, several times a week (sometimes every night) and there were messages and photos back and forth, just sporadic because of his work. (He never initiated when he was in his village, but he did while he was on tour.) Towards the end, when he understood that I wouldn’t go to his country or meet him somewhere, he applied for a visa to come to my country instead. So I wouldn’t say the relationship didn’t get off the ground; we probably spent an average of 20 hours in video calls every month, which a lot of my friends felt was reasonable for someone who works 24/7.

Also, a slight misunderstanding: my friends never warned me about anything. It was the other way around…my friends from the trip are shocked that he’s married. It was that if he had tried to pursue me in person while I was his customer, my friends would’ve been concerned. Since he asked me out afterwards, and they all believed him to be a good person from the tour, and none of them saw any red flags. If anything, they thought I could be a bit more understanding about his communication, since we all saw how busy he was on tour. I was the one who was always suspicious. 

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, Alea Ruere said:

he applied for a visa to come to my country instead.

Out of curiosity, how do you know he actually did so? 

Or did he just say that he did?

[Alea Ruere]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Out of curiosity, how do you know he actually did so? 

Or did he just say that he did?

There’s a standard process/agency between his country and mine, so he would have to submit an application for the visa online, which would then direct him to the agency website to book an appointment/interview. He sent me a screenshot of the confirmation he received for his appointment/payment, which looked legit (it had a confirmation number in the right format, details that matched the agency’s, and even a separate section at the bottom showing the type of appointment and fee). Of course, it could have been fake, but he had to travel to the capital city the night before because his appointment was in the morning, and he did a video call with me that night so I could see he actually went to the city. (He showed me the night view from one of the spots that he had taken us on the tour.) In a later video call, he showed me the folder of all the photocopied documents from the appointment. (I only got a glimpse, but I could see the photocopies were of a passport and lots of bank statements.) It seems like a huge waste of time, money, and effort to take a train and stay at a hotel and have a folder of documents prepared, just to pretend he had actually applied for the visa, but that absolutely could have been the case. 

Edited Friday at 04:14 PM by Alea Ruere
Extra space

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, Alea Ruere said:

Ah no, sorry, I didn’t give all the details because I was worried I would be longwinded and bore everyone to death. Outside of the times he was in his village

You sound just as invested in missing the point as you were invested in this guy.

Either someone asks you out on a date and follows through, or he doesn't. If not, walk away. Go date someone else. It's really that simple.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Alea Ruere said:

It seems like a huge waste of time, money, and effort to take a train and stay at a hotel and have a folder of documents prepared, just to pretend he had actually applied for the visa, but that absolutely could have been the case.

He sounds like he knows exactly how to hoodwink foreign ladies, so I wouldn't rule it out.

15 hours ago, Alea Ruere said:

he apparently liked me but was afraid that my friends would be protective over me

This is not his first rodeo trying to woo a tourist like you. He knows the territory here a bit too well. 

15 hours ago, Alea Ruere said:

My thoughts are in turmoil about the whole thing.

I would just block him everywhere and move along. You have learned that you can trust your instinct. Something felt off and you were right to be concerned. That is your most important takeaway here.