Msirish

[Irishgirl5555]

Please help I really need advice 

Sorry if this is long but I have no one to talk to or ask right now and I really need some unbiased opinions for my mental sanity. 

Started seeing a guy we will call Jeff(27M) a month and a half ago. At first he was amazing, bringing me flowers texting me lovey dovey texts every morning and just being all over me more than anyone ever had before. I can't even count how many dates and sleepovers and trips away we took together even after this short time together. He has a child in his home country and a volatile relationship with his ex. He even told his 4yr old daughter about me and the ex was aware of us. He told me thanks for making my ex angry a couple of times which I didn't like. When I found out about his daughter it was after our first date because he posted a picture and I said oh cute is that your niece? And he said I told you in the date did I not? I think I wouldve remembered but I just said she is beautiful like her daddy and I'm not gonna judge, that everyone has baggage.

Then I started noticing little things like he would say one thing and then say a completely different thing the next time I saw him. It made me wonder if I was getting to know the real him. (For example saying he never really liked having sex not for procreation but then saying he was a man whore before and that he wants to "beat the s*** out of each other" during sex and that he has been holding back). Or saying he loves how I'm quite slim with huge boobs but then saying big boobs look ridiculous on small frames and icky. This is just 2 examples of many. 

He would also from the 2nd date bring his dad around a lot on our dates or just show up for our date together with his dad. Which was fine but I wasn't used to it. Maybe a cultural thing as he is South African and I am Irish.  I looked past all of these. 

Then I came to know he agrees with a lot of things Andrew Tate says or said. He also seriously wanted to suss out whether or not I'd do an only fans with him. I also asked him to wear a condom he said he would but when we got to the place he aaid he didnt bring them because he doesnt like them. This stuff just didn't align with other things he told me about himself so I started wondering if I was getting to know him at all. He started talking to me poorly like saying he will be working late and I'd say oh no when dya think you will be off and he would say 🙄do I look like a future teller and stuff. I tried talking to him about things but it always got turned around or escalated. Which brings me to last night. 

Last night he kept rejecting me every time I tried kissing him and I said it didn't feel great. He then got angry and fell asleep. I went downstairs to get a drink and calm down and when I came back in my chair in my room fell. He woke up and said I'm waking him up and throwing s*** which wasn't true. I said why don't you leave then if I'm so annoying and he got up straight away and I took it back I apologised I said I shouldn't have said that and to please stay. He knew I was going through I really difficult time and I said I really want you to stay please lets just go to sleep (he works early) He said it's too late I'm manipulating him. 

Things escalated and he started punching below the belt and said "well I Couldve gone a lot lower trust me" but wouldn't tell me what. He said he is going to apologise to his family for introducing me to them and that I'm clearly not right in the head and need a new counsellor (I lost my job my mum is sick and my dad's anniversaries all piled up and I confided in him I'm not doing well mentally - I have depression and anxiety and he knows this). Ironically I have 3 degrees in psychology and he started mansplaining psychology to me. When he confided about his mental health to me I said what do you need from me and that I will be there I will be patient and not to worry about me that I will always support him. He left and I was in a state, it was 2am at this point.

 Then I did something extremely stupid. And I'm a ball of anxiety over it. I texted his ex apologising for any tension I had caused and that we are no longer together because of certain lies and abuse of it and wished her and her beautiful daughter the best. I tried to unsend it but I deleted the chat instead don't ask why I was not in the right mindset. I told him what I did and apologised profusely but he blocked me on absolutely everything after saying some pretty nasty things. 

I know it's over that's not a question, my question Is, based on all the info I provided did I ruin everything here? I Can't help but feel so poorly especially about the text I sent that was absolutely stupid I should have known better and shame on me for doing that. I just feel so poorly about this and I feel guilty and sad. 

If you got this far thank you so much and I'm so sorry for the length of this post.

[basil67]

This is like asking if you ruined a house fire.   Do you have any experience on being in a relationship which is loving, respectful and kind?

[Gebidozo]

OP, “Jeff” is an abusive partner. You didn’t “ruin” anything, you narrowly escaped a terrible relationship with an unloving person.

I do believe that you need to see a good therapist. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 hours ago, Irishgirl5555 said:

did I ruin everything here?

No. This was a terrible relationship and it was never going to last, anyway. 

What I see is a woman who is far too passive, and doesn't know her own value. You overlooked serious red flags and moved way too quickly with this man. You were blinded by the early flowers and sweet nothings, but this man is a complete jackass. 

I would respectfully urge you to seek some compassionate professional help so you better weed out toxoc men in the future. 

[Irishgirl5555]

Thank you so much I really needed to hear that 

[Leihla_B]

Dating is about getting to know someone and determining whether or not they are a good match for you. ANY degree of mistreatment or discomfort with their behavior is a valid reason to walk away.

Accept only kindness, and date only good men.