Struggling with lack of intimacy after 10 years of marriage

[Nikks]

I’m 37M, and my wife is 36F. We’ve been married for over ten years, and we have an 8-year-old son. Up until last year, I thought things were going well in our relationship, but I realized I wanted more intimacy between us. To work on that, I created a WhatsApp group where we could play games like Truth and Dare, hoping to bring us closer. I also shared some intimate content to build a more romantic atmosphere. However, I sensed that she wasn’t fully comfortable with the games or the clips, and she often avoided responding.

 

Through one of these games, I discovered she had a relationship before we got married, which she had never mentioned. While I’m okay with her past, it bothered me that she had lied when I asked about it earlier in our relationship. I tried another approach by suggesting we use apps like Desire and asked her to dress up more attractively at home, but she either ignored my requests or made excuses. She said she was too busy with household tasks, but I felt increasingly disappointed by her lack of effort.

 

After several discussions that went nowhere, I deleted the group and began distancing myself. Despite my withdrawal, she hasn’t seemed to notice any change in our intimacy or my behavior. Now, I’m feeling stuck and don’t know how to move forward. I still love her deeply, but I’m starting to feel like leaving may be the only option, even though I don’t want to.

 

How can I address this situation? What can I do to reignite our connection, or should I be looking at things differently?

[basil67]

Have you had a conversation with her about how you feel?  

[Leihla_B]

While games might be useful between equally invested partners, there is an imbalance of interest between the two of you. I would ask her about this. I'd listen to her answers, but I wouldn't just shut down. I'd probe with questions about 'why'.

The place to start would be focused on your current relationship, not whatever from her past. The goal is to talk about how you've been feeling unappreciated and unloved rather than accusations about her behavior. People shut down when accused. It's beneficial to focus on our own perceptions and feelings and questions rather than draw conclusions and raise those as though they are accurate.

My goal would be to learn why she is angry with me. 

[Els]

I feel like we get so many of these posts that we might as well have a sticky thread for them.

Your wife is telling you what the problem is - she's tired from household chores. Why do you think it's an "excuse"? Do you contribute equally to household chores and childcare?

As for asking her to "dress more attractively in the house", I'm not seeing the logic here. You're complaining that she doesn't feel any desire to have sex with you while you do feel the desire to have sex with her... And your solution to that is to ask her to do something that further increases YOUR desire? How is that supposed to work?

How are things going romantically between the two of you? And by "romantically" I don't mean sending her porn clips (which you seem to associate with romance).  Do you go out on dates and do things with just the two of you? How often do you do that? Do you do anything for her that makes her feel like you are looking out for her - little things, like making her coffee in the morning, getting her her favorite takeaway sometimes, etc?

 

Edited November 10 by Els

[Gebidozo]

I might be mistaken, but it’s probable that the romantic life in your marriage has stagnated. It is possible that your wife craves romance. Dates, exciting trips, romantic dinners, quality time spent together. Try being more affectionate to her. Court her, compliment her on her beauty and attractiveness. Show her you want her, but not in a mechanical way, certainly not by asking her to dress more attractively.

Women, like most human beings, grow tired and weary of routine and don’t like to be taken for granted. They want to feel desired. They want to be romanced, courted, wooed. Make her feel like she is the hottest woman on Earth and you’re head over heels in love with her. See if that changes things between you.

Edited November 10 by Gebidozo

[Els]

On 11/10/2024 at 2:34 PM, Gebidozo said:

I might be mistaken, but it’s probable that the romantic life in your marriage has stagnated. It is possible that your wife craves romance. Dates, exciting trips, romantic dinners, quality time spent together. Try being more affectionate to her. Court her, compliment her on her beauty and attractiveness. Show her you want her, but not in a mechanical way, certainly not by asking her to dress more attractively.

Women, like most human beings, grow tired and weary of routine and don’t like to be taken for granted. They want to feel desired. They want to be romanced, courted, wooed. Make her feel like she is the hottest woman on Earth and you’re head over heels in love with her. See if that changes things between you.

For real. Honestly, I feel like this "problem" is so prevalent that maybe high school sex ed classes should make it a point to teach people how female sexuality generally works (after teaching them the two most important things, of course, which are safe sex and consent). It's insane how many men seem to think that they just need to ask their partner to do things that turn them (the men) on, and that'll automatically lead to them having great sex?! Including men who have apparently been married for decades...

Many women are very sexual beings with an extremely high ceiling for pleasure and desire. Unfortunately so many men seem to think the opposite, probably because they're trying to unlock the door with the equivalent of a rubber chicken.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Els said:

For real. Honestly, I feel like this "problem" is so prevalent that maybe high school sex ed classes should make it a point to teach people how female sexuality generally works (after teaching them the two most important things, of course, which are safe sex and consent). It's insane how many men seem to think that they just need to ask their partner to do things that turn them (the men) on, and that'll automatically lead to them having great sex?! Including men who have apparently been married for decades...

Many women are very sexual beings with an extremely high ceiling for pleasure and desire. Unfortunately so many men seem to think the opposite, probably because they're trying to unlock the door with the equivalent of a rubber chicken.

Unfortunately, men have just begun to disentangle themselves from the false notions of patriarchal mentality.

When men believe, deep down and probably subconsciously, that women aren’t really agents of free will, but something akin to objects, or perhaps pets, or children at best - they find it very hard to understand their sexuality and needs in general.

It is still so deeply ingrained even in Western men that it usually takes a conscious effort and a lot of growing up to steer away from that kind of thinking. 

[Els]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Unfortunately, men have just begun to disentangle themselves from the false notions of patriarchal mentality.

When men believe, deep down and probably subconsciously, that women aren’t really agents of free will, but something akin to objects, or perhaps pets, or children at best - they find it very hard to understand their sexuality and needs in general.

It is still so deeply ingrained even in Western men that it usually takes a conscious effort and a lot of growing up to steer away from that kind of thinking. 

Yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head. If a man is viewing his partner solely as the object of his desire (or even just that it is her "duty" to see that his "needs" are met), then I can definitely see how it leads to this sort of thinking. Which is rather unfortunate, because they're just shooting themselves in the foot - few things are less desirable than a man who thinks that sex is all about him. On the other side of the coin, if society keeps perpetuating the notion that women are meant to be sexy and not sexual, that also leads to situations where the man genuinely wants to give pleasure but the woman can't bring herself to receive any of it guilt-free. It's just bad for everyone.

Man, I really lucked out with H. 15 years, and sex is still amazing. There are ebbs and flows of course, but in general I still look forward to it each and every time, and I still get tingly when I reminisce about a particularly good sesh.

Hopefully the OP is able to reexamine his viewpoint here.

[Soxfaninfl]

On 11/9/2024 at 5:26 AM, Nikks said:

Through one of these games, I discovered she had a relationship before we got married, which she had never mentioned. While I’m okay with her past, it bothered me that she had lied when I asked about it earlier in our relationship.

I’ve never understood this why people pry into previous relationships. It’s non of your business. You weren’t with that person then, so it doesn’t concern you. What matters is what is happening in your current relationship. Worry about the present. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Soxfaninfl said:

I’ve never understood this why people pry into previous relationships.

Obviously, prying is bad. If the other person doesn’t want to share, you shouldn’t press for it. But willingly, mutually sharing information about one’s past with your partner is a healthy thing that builds up trust, when done right.