SweptAway Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I'm going to try and keep this short. A new guy started at my work and we totally hit it off. Great conversation, lots of stuff in common etc etc. I was instantly attracted to him, was flirting a bit and he was flirting back A LOT. There was heaps of chemistry, an outsider could pick the attraction in a second. And then I find out he has a girlfriend...of one year. He never spoke of her, and only mentioned that he wasn't happy with her every now and then. I stupidly continued to persue him and we eventually ended up kissing and cuddling etc. The next day he goes on about how he wants more from me, not just a fling but doesn't want to throw away his "THREE YEAR" relationship. Fine. He wants to stay friends. So do I. We end up talking for hours, he tells me things he has never told anyone before, how much he cares about me, how sorry he is that he has hurt me. ( Why did he chase me the way he did, and then not leave his girlfriend???!) Working together was fine, but now the flirting has started again. I don't know how to cut him off because I care about him so much and I have this emotional connection with him that I have never had with anyone. I know he has hurt me, and still is. I just don't know what to do! What the hell is he doing? Is he planning on breaking up with her? Why is he having this emotional affair with me and staying with her? It's not purely to feed his ego, this I know, and others that know him agree its not just to feed his ego. I just don't know what to do. Stay friends and get over it? But how? Pray he breaks up with her? Ergh. I want to be a nun. I've been riding an emotional rollercoaster since we admitted with both had feelings for each other. I don't know how I got caught up in this, should have known better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweptAway Posted January 7, 2006 Author Share Posted January 7, 2006 Just to add, after we kissed he did end up telling his girlfriend, th next day. It sounded like he wanted her to make the decision for him, the way he phrased it. He told her he had feelings for me and that we kissed. She got upset but she didn't want him to leave her. And if he has feelings for me, is it possible that he can turn them off just like that? I know I wouldnt be able to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasarts Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 well i usually have the will power to be able to "ice" a girl...just shut off all emotional facets connected to her in a day. From then on, depending on how deeply involved i was with her...i can maintain the will power to just cut them off forever...the less involved the faster and easier it is...if there were real emotions, then i wrestle with my conscious long enough to make any encounter brief and awkward. to me its not hard but thats just one guy outta a bajillion so i cant speak for the male race. some guys are softies, some guys are dicks, yadda yadda seems tho that he wants you bad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweptAway Posted January 7, 2006 Author Share Posted January 7, 2006 Well, there's certainly no "ice-ing" or cutting me off on his behalf. Every time I seem to have a grip on the situation (by trying to keep the conversation light and casual, encounters brief) he gets all upset and starts flirting BIG TIME. I got annoyed with it at one stage because ..it hurts... and told him to save it for his girlfriend. He was not happy about that comment. I think I just have to accept that he doesn't have the balls to leave her. She's quite co-dependent from what I hear. Stupid confusing situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasarts Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 take it or leave it thats all i can say if hes worth the trouble... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 He is having an emotional affair with you. You have to ask yourself what kind of man would cheat on his present girlfriend with you and hang on to you both ? I would find someone else ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 And if he has feelings for me, is it possible that he can turn them off just like that? No. He can't ice you or anything like that because right now he feels like he can't live without you. He is afraid of hurting his girlfriend, and still cares about her too, and it sounds like he's handling that side of the issue as maturely as can be expected. Nonetheless, your connection with him is deeper and more meaningful than what he has with his girlfriend, you are his soulmate, she is not. He's not ready to leave her yet, because he is still in shock about his unexpected relationship with you. He apologized to you because he respects you, and probably feels like he came on to you like someone he'd meet a bar or something. He still doesn't get that this is different. This will be painful for you, but you are in much better shape than many who go through this because neither of you is married. Still, you will both continue to have these feelings, and he's going to feel more conflicted as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Deirdre Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 well if i were you i would clearly define that relation as friends only, and try to reduce physical contact to a bare minimum. only until he is able to resolve his issue with his current girlfriend will he be fit to get involved romantically with another. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 try to reduce physical contact to a bare minimum don't think that'll make a difference, the strong feelings will still be there Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweptAway Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 Well, I get mixed opinions about this one, thanks for your advice. My friends think that he didn't handle the situation well, he should never have chased me, told me he wanted more and then stayed with his girlfriend. And yeah, its an a**h*** thing to do, but I was just as dumb to let him get away with it. On the other hand, I couldn't stop myself. I've been told by a friend who was in his position that the attraction was too strong that he couldn't stop himself either. He couldn't NOT chase me. I yelled at him the other week and it really upset him. I apologised and things are ok now, but my work mates think he was so upset because he thought he would lose me for good. I dunno. It was a month ago and there's no sign of him leaving her. I feel like he's slipping away because I'm trying to keep some distance, I figure it's the only healthy option. It's hard to let go when I see him around all the time though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 He blew it ' One month and still with her. I told you....He needs to stay away from you . Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweptAway Posted January 14, 2006 Author Share Posted January 14, 2006 He can't stay too far away, we work together. I think he's noticed that I'm keeping some distance and he is reciprocating. And now I'm upset because I feel like he has lost all those feelings for me and I don't mean anything to him anymore. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this. I'm seriously questioning my self esteem, which used to be really high, and why I crave his affection so much. Blergh, I'm never getting myself into this sort of situation again! Thanks for your advice guys Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Swept, I'm sorry, but I think you are contributing to your own heart ache. We all have self control and if you weren't being selfish, you wouldn't be pursuing a guy who's been in a relationship with another girl for 3 years. I don't care what song and dance he's been telling you, he is a liar. He told you they were together for one year, then three years. He clearly thought it would make a difference if he told you the truth. He was stringing you along in the event that things ended with the other girl. He clearly still loves her and feels like he'd be losing a lot, or he would have left her by now. A few "deep" talks and flirting usually aren't enough for a guy to leave someone. He doesn't know you like he knows her. If you guys do end up getting together later on (although something tells me he won't leave the girl) you will be stuck with a liar who will do this to you when the going gets rough. Is that what you really want? And can you honestly say that you're doing the right thing by hurting some girl you don't know just to get what you want? I say this because I was that girl once (he broke up with a girlfriend of 4 years to date me) and it really bit me in the ass. He ended up being a complete and utter jerk and I was miserable. And yes, he showed signs of being the same with me as he was with her so I had to go. Karma does bite you in the butt sometimes. You do have self control and you have to look past that ephermal feeling of "connectedness". It's a fantasy to cover the unattractiveness of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Thats right. He is stringing you along. When the going gets tough over there he knows he can call on you to soothe his wounds. He should have ENDED it with her before he got involved with you. I see no improvements. He is getting exactly what he wants. And what , you should wait ? For what ? That is bull turds ! Link to post Share on other sites
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