My BF never lets me go anywhere unless he knows and is comfortable with the details

[ConfusedAlone137]

Some background - I (33f) Erica tend to be pretty open and honest about things, especially with my partner. He (35m) Eli came to the relationship with some emotional baggage from past relationships, trust issues, and I dont blame him because I understand the experiences. I try to be a supportive partner and can empathize with his past traumas. Sometimes though they manifest in controlling and abusive ways. For example every partner I've ever had has had access to my phone. Early on he would dig deep and start fights over innocuous texts. These texts might be worthy of clarification but not a fight. No matter what I'd say it was never good enough and he would just believe what he wanted to believe for years, ignoring everything I had said about them in the past whenever it was convenient to bring it back up again. He clearly brought issues that existed prior to the relationship and I had to cut him off from my phone because of his constant creating problems when I hadn't done anything wrong. I couldn't take it anymore and even tho this is a red flag, I really thought I had a future with him
On the other side of this, I never really went thru his phone but on one rare occasion when I did I found texts between him and a co worker at an out of state meeting where his co worker was flirting, he was repeatably texting back, and the exchange awkwardly ended when she gave him his room number. Huge red flags but I didn't start a fight, just asked for an explanation. He said that the last message crossed a line and he stopped responding because it felt awkward. I didn't really believe it because why would he have let it get to that point? but I let it go, because again, I wanted a future with him.
More recently he started a big blowout fight with me because I told him I would be home late from work (I was picking up a gift for his birthday last month) and he was demanding to know where I was going and why. For obvious reasons I couldn't tell him, and it ruined the weekend and I went to stay at my sisters. I threw the gift in the trash.
Anyway, hes always been jealous and invasive, and controlling over situations that he would blow out of proportion. Spiral into big fights. I would never check up on him in return, because I'm generally a trusting person
So the recent event. Last thursday I had a meeting with a prospective business partner and I let him know "I had a meeting". I told him I'd probably be out by 7 and to make plans for dinner and I would call him once I was free. I didn't want to talk about something that may or may not happen at such an early stage. I'm quite professional and didn't want to even get my own hopes up until something became real. We've had some recent talks about autonomy and hes made some progress, and I was honestly pretty proud of him when he realized that I didn't want him to push for details and he let things go. The problem started when I wasn't done by 7. He called my phone twice, and altho I saw it light up in my purse I couldn't take his call. I called him closer to 8 in a great mood and I could tell pretty quickly that things weren't alright. he was definitely upset and asking for details that I still didn't want to give, and I thought it would be ok since he had been understanding before. He kept pushing and getting more upset until I asked if we should just skip dinner. From here it turned in to a big fight again and I regretfully started yelling and calling him names, but I was triggered due to all of his past abuse and kind of lost my cool. This kind of thing has turned into baggage now for me too, which I realize is unhealthy. We fought, I went to my sisters, and we didn't talk for a couple of days.
Yesterday morning I was reminded of an event we had planned, something that I booked against my better judgement because we had just recovered from another fight a few weeks ago. It disappointed me and made me sad because I was really looking forward to it and we obviously couldn't hold things together for even a few weeks
We ended up fighting again last night, and hes unable to admit that this is an emotional problem he has to deal with and honestly I dont know if I can handle it anymore, especially the idea where I have to convince him that he has work to do. Hes on a soapbox and acting like I'm keeping secrets from him, and that I shouldn't have this level of (very basic) privacy. Healthy relationships are built on trust, and I can no longer see this as a healthy relationship.
I already succumb to a lot of his requests to avoid rocking the boat, (every time I do go somewhere I share the details) and the little bit of privacy that I do ask for is only in the most important moments. He obviously struggles to even give me that. He tells me that hes working on it but then gets emotional when it actually happens.
I dont want to throw away a long term relationship that has some very great moments, but I dont know if I can deal with his controlling BS any more while he works thru it, or if hes even capable of it.

[Els]

This sounds immensely concerning, and a whole lot like coercive control/abuse. I hope you're aware that everything you've mentioned is a textbook sign of an abusive relationship, including and especially the part where you said that you have "very great moments together". Yes, of course you do, because that's the cycle of abuse. If abusive partners were abusive 100% of the time, almost nobody would be in an abusive relationship. It's very common for them to be all sunshine and rainbows sometimes, and then abusive at other times - that's how they hook you in and keep you there.

You need to leave right away IMO.

[Gaeta]

Why in 2025 do young women still put up with this crap!!

Your great-grand mother, your grand-mother, even your mother faught for you to have freedom and equality and you through all their pain & efforts out the window when you allow a man to abuse and control you like this.

How would you feel if a man did this to your daughter, your little sister, what if a man treated your mother like this? If it's unacceptable for women you love then it's unacceptable toward you.

Fk his past trauma! If he can't move on and grow out of his past trauma than he's a man emotionally constipated who will control and abuse every woman crossing his path.

It's time for you to grow into a woman and leave.

Edited November 10 by Gaeta

[Leihla_B]

Jealous and controlling people don't grow out of that, they only get worse, and they usually, predictably, become physical abusers.

How much more of your life do you want to waste on exhausting your defenses, which will never resolve anything? If you stay, you will never be believed, you will never be respected, and you will find yourself reduced to defending against accusations of using your own bathroom to contact someone else who is waiting for you outside.

Is this the life you want? It's already happening NOW.

[S2B]

Get out while you can!

and you do not need to share where you are and what you may be doing with someone you date - at least not until it’s long established and shows he trusts you.

earn the trust and show you are trustworthy. Only share private info long down the road. Stop offering your info that is only for you to know until YOU trust HIM.

live a life with integrity - then you will know you don’t owe everyone your private info. 

Edited November 10 by S2B

[ShyViolet]

It's absolutely ridiculous that you've chosen to ignore red flag after red flag and stay with an abusive, controlling person like this.  It's pretty clear what needs to happen. You need to end this relationship.  Quite honestly something you should have done a long time ago.

[Gebidozo]

You are in an abusive relationship.

His behavior is that of a textbook emotional abuser. Jealousy, control issues, rage. You are an independent, adult, free person. Why are you tolerating this?

Are you staying with him out of pity? Because he’s been hurt before and has trust issues? Newsflash: we all have. Everyone has had some unpleasant experiences, heartbreaks, deception, and so on. He has to deal with that and stop behaving like a jerk. You aren’t his therapist or his nurse. You don’t have to take this crap from him.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Jealous and controlling people don't grow out of that, they only get worse, and they usually, predictably, become physical abusers.

Well, it is possible for a jealous, controlling person to grow out of that. I used to be a person just like that and I grew out of it. Obviously, it’s a long, arduous process that starts with a firm decision to change. The OP’s partner doesn’t seem to have that kind of resolve at all, so I do think that in this case you’re right about him potentially getting even worse. But I just wanted to add that, in principle, change is possible.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, ConfusedAlone137 said:

I try to be a supportive partner and can empathize with his past traumas. Sometimes though they manifest in controlling and abusive ways.

Empathising with past traumas which manifest in control and abuse is OK.  Staying with someone who continues to exhibit these behaviours is not OK.    

[smackie9]

His accusations and paranoia is what is called projecting. He's a cheater, and he's assuming since he is emotionally cheating/cheating on you, you are probably doing it too. He's not all damaged from past traumas, that's a load. He has an abusive personality. This is just how he is. He's the abuser to those in the past. With his narcissism he plays the victim to pull the wool over your eyes and get empathy. It's all about control. He's not a good guy, and you need to stop making excuses for his behaviour. He's completely bull $hitted you this whole time.That's why things have been so crappy throughout your relationship. But of course a lot of women don't see it that way because we are nurturers, we want to help, heal, empathize, it's in our DNA, but at times it's problematic and opens the door to being abused.

Edited November 23 by smackie9