riversidemf Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 My two sister in laws don't get along. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. One says she won't attend things if the other is there, and I'm afraid it's going to be so divisive within the family. I don't want to pick sides. I'm aware its up to my two siblings to never allow the wives to get in between them, but it still worries me. Does anyone have advice on inlaws who don't get along? And how to ease my anxiety. I notice ones wants to sit around and gossip about the other. I won't and can't do it. She's the mother of my nephew. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 (edited) Yes, it will be divisive in the family, but don't spend time worrying about things you can't change. Just focus on the practicalities. I think that a good solution is to invite your brothers, and tell them that their wives are only welcome if they can behave. Tell your brothers that if anyone is less than perfectly mannered, they will be asked to leave. Edited November 11 by basil67 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 1 hour ago, riversidemf said: notice ones wants to sit around and gossip about the other. I won't and can't do it. She's the mother of my nephew. I would interrupt her and say, "Respectfully, I'm asking for your help in an agreement that none of us will speak badly about another family member who isn't here to defend themselves, and thank you." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author riversidemf Posted November 11 Author Share Posted November 11 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Yes, it will be divisive in the family, but don't spend time worrying about things you can't change. Just focus on the practicalities. I think that a good solution is to invite your brothers, and tell them that their wives are only welcome if they can behave. Tell your brothers that if anyone is less than perfectly mannered, they will be asked to leave. Can you explain what you mean by focusing on the practicalities? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author riversidemf Posted November 11 Author Share Posted November 11 16 minutes ago, Leihla_B said: I would interrupt her and say, "Respectfully, I'm asking for your help in an agreement that none of us will speak badly about another family member who isn't here to defend themselves, and thank you." I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings. I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 15 minutes ago, riversidemf said: I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings. I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other. May I suggest the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. At this point, you're worrying about things you cannot change Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author riversidemf Posted November 11 Author Share Posted November 11 2 hours ago, basil67 said: May I suggest the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. At this point, you're worrying about things you cannot change This is exactly what I needed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 Dude, everyone is in an awkward place. Not just you. So chill. There is nothing for you to do. Other than to politely say, to MIL, "I like you. I'm sorry you're going through this." And say same to FIL. Let their children take care of them. Don't worry about the future. Does MIL like having the grands over? Does FIL? If so, they will want the kids over after the divorce goes through. Don't worry about offending the other. All you're doing is LISTENING (if you do that). The in-laws know this is awkward for everyone. You're over-worrying here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 On 11/10/2024 at 9:28 PM, riversidemf said: I don't engage in the conversation. She gets the hint. I'm scared if she doesn't like me, and they have kids one day she won't allow me to see them and distance me from my sibling. Same with the other inlaw. Although I know that's up to my siblings. I don't know what kind of relationship I should have with my inlaws, individually without offending the other. I mean, if I go out with one on a shopping day, am I upsetting the other. I wouldn't invent imaginary future blackmail scenarios. It's up to your siblings to manage their own wives. I'd be pleasant to each, and I would socialize with whichever one offers or is in front of me at a given time. If either were to try to strong-arm me against the other, I'd tell her that I have two brothers, so I'm not going to play. People don't respect those who don't have good boundaries against being manipulated. If you agonize over this, then you're the one who's imposing torture on yourself instead of taking a firm position against engaging in any unfairness. You won't get applause for it, but you will gain respect--and that's the only position from which you can win. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 I don't understand why this should give you anxiety. This is literally their problem and not yours. If they want to act petty and immature, let them. This is not your problem to solve. Learn to put up strong boundaries and not let other people drag you into their drama. If one tries to talk bad about the other, shut it down and let them know you're not interested in getting involved in the drama. If one says they won't attend events if the other is there, why is that YOUR problem to agonize over? You really need boundaries. It's not your job to be the peacemaker for the entire family. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 Yes. The only part of this that's a "you" problem is that you need to work on your boundaries. Yes, their behavior can take the joy out of family gatherings for everybody else, but you can rise above it. Your choice. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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