My boyfriend hit my arm while we were driving

[Aub2024]

Hi,

Me and my boyfriend are together 6 years (engaged 6 months of that), we have a very loving relationship and he is the most respectful partner I could ever ask for.

A couple of weeks ago we were in a campervan ( he was driving, I was the passenger) , it was stressful as it was a city we had never been to before and we were trying to navigate around without getting any fines etc.

We were approaching a junction and the light was turning from amber to red but as we were in motion we carried on through. I told him I thought we should have stopped there as I was afraid we would get a fine.

The second set of traffic lights came and the same thing but as we approached these and move through them , I shouted at him and used bad language as I was panicked and felt we should have stopped.

While I was shouting he was changing gears and turned to me and said " stop" and then faced back towards the road. As he did that he hit back on my arm. It wasnt a punch or a slap I am not sure how I would describe it. If you were to put your thumb up to someone with your thimb facing the sky and then the bottom part of that hand part.

When it happened I was shocked as it happened so fast. I said " did you just hit my arm , I can feel that on my arm" , it wasnt hard but I could still slightly feel it. 

He pulled in once safe to do so and apologised profusely. I also apologised for shouting at him and using bad language. We had a serious talk that day about the behaviours. I did get a small bruise on my upper arm a couple days later and it lasted for 2 days.

Is this something to end our relationship over? I am not sure if I am under reacting or over reacting? Can we moved past this?

Or is this seen as the same if it happened in our house or a bedroom for example? Does the environment and context make a difference? Thanks

Edited November 11 by Aub2024
Mispelling

[basil67]

Honestly, I wouldn't describe something that you "could slightly feel" as a hit.   It sounds more like an act of frustration after you yelled and swore at him.   I think that both of you need to reflect on your own behaviours.   

Edited November 11 by basil67

[Aub2024]

@basil67 I probably shouldnt have said slightly. I could feel it on my arm but it didnt hurt but I was aware I had been hit. I just hope we can moved past it. 

I was just confused wondering if it was as severe as had this happened in our kitchen. And also thinking about when people say one hit should be enough to leave. Thank you for getting back to me

Edited November 11 by Aub2024

[Gaeta]

He was in a highly stressful situation, with both your lives in his hands,  and you kept pushing his button and he did not have the option of walking away from you. I don't excuse what he did but it's explainable. It's possible that gesture broke something in you that cannot be glued back together. If you feel torn, and because you are engaged to be married,  I suggest you make an appointment with a therapist, first with you alone and she/he may suggest a meeting with the both of you after that. It does not need to be a expense, just 1-2 meeting with a therapist can really help.

[Aub2024]

@Gaeta I just made this post for almost some reassurance. That I am not infact wrong in wanting to stay in this relationship. That it would be a huge over reaction to end a 6 year relationship over this given the context and something that I would regret. 

So you would not see this as the same had it happened outside of the campervan?

 

Thank you

Edited November 11 by Aub2024

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Aub2024 said:

So you would not see this as the same had it happened outside of the campervan?

I think the campervan aggravated the situation, yes, but, there is always a but. 

I would not break a happy 6 year relationship without bringing all this to a therapist and making sure this incident will not keep me from expressing myself to him without fearing another incident. Both of you need to explore why it came to this.

You need to express yourself differently. My ex enjoyed speeding on the highway and tailing other cars and it drove me nuts. I did not yell at him, I would tell him <please slow down I am very scared right now>. That always worked with him, hearing his gf say she's scared put him in protective mode and he'd slow down. It's not the same as yelling at him '&^%$*&^ what were you thinking!!'. 

It is imperative for your boyfriend to explore why he resorted to physically react to you. He needs to talk to someone about that. Even if it's explainable, it's not ok. If you and him plan on having children, let me tell you, nobody pushes your buttons to the limit like children do. 

You're not crazy for wanting to stay in this relationship, this could be just a bump in the road. It would be crazy though to not look deeper as to why it happened.

[glows]

I’m curious about your reaction and why not stopping or missing a turn caused you to react that way. Were you afraid of being late? Were you meeting other people that day? Why not use this as an opportunity to figure out what caused you to get to that state and see whether you can learn to de escalate your reactions.

He probably needs to figure out the same.

 

 

[Leihla_B]

You've been with him 6 years; have you ever seen any other signs of aggression in all that time?

My panic response when I'm driving, whether I'm fast breaking, fear an impact, or otherwise startled is to swat my hand over the passenger seat. I probably picked it up to block objects or a person from flying forward, but I do it even if the passenger seat is empty.

I've never had anyone YELL at me while I'm driving, which is not a bright thing to do, but I can imagine that someone screaming in my ear while I'm behind the wheel might cause a panic reaction.

Is it a good thing? No. Is it 'violence'? I dunno. The whole situation sounds volatile and dangerous. My focus would be more on both of you taking a clear and sober approach to safety in a moving vehicle rather than pointing fingers of 'blame' about this. I'd make the phrase, "Please pull over..." our code words between us for future potential incidents.

[Aub2024]

@glowsas we were travelling around I just didnt want us picking up fines as we had been warned by friend to be careful re parking, speeding and traffic lights

[Aub2024]

@Leihla_Bno he is the most placid person that I know. He has never even raised his voice at me. I have never seen any aggression in him ever. I think this is why I am more hung up on it because of the way he reacted as it is really not like him.

I also take full accountability for yelling and swearing. 

[glows]

Do you both talk about the incident since? 

[Aub2024]

@glows we pulled in that day and spoke about it. I apologised and so did he. He began to cry and I was upset too. He asked me if I wanted to leave him as I deserve better than to be with someone who would hit them. I think he took it on himself and began labelling himself as an abuser.

After that day we spoke about it briefly but neither of us wanted to keep going back to that moment so we havent since.

The couple of days after I still had a small bruise on my upper arm ( I have always bruised easily throughout my life) and he could barely look at me until the bruise was gone. I think me having the bruise made it much worse.

Edited November 11 by Aub2024

[Els]

1 hour ago, Aub2024 said:

@glowsas we were travelling around I just didnt want us picking up fines as we had been warned by friend to be careful re parking, speeding and traffic lights

You were so afraid of getting a fine that you decided to instead put both your lives at risk by shouting, swearing, and going into full-blown panic mode while he was driving?

I don't think he should have reached out with his hand, but it sounds like your panic was making him panic and so he instinctively did whatever he could to try and get you to stop. I would consider this a "yellow flag" for both of you. You need to work on your panic reaction - if you overreact like that in the car again, you might cause an accident. But you also need to be very careful to note every time something like this happens with his hand, because if it happens again in a non-panicked situation, then it could be a sign of potential abusive behaviour.

[ShyViolet]

If this is truly an isolated incident.... if he has never, ever hit you in any way in 6 years, I think I would let this one slide because it almost sounds like he did it as a reflex.  He was in a very stressful situation, he was driving and you were screaming at him in the car which could have caused an accident.  It sounds like he was pushed to a state of mind where he just reacted without thinking because frankly you were acting pretty hysterical and out of control yourself.  Work on your own behavior, but at the same time, if he ever gets physical again in any way whatsoever, it would be grounds to break up.

[Lotsgoingon]

If this is isolated, as I assume it is, then no, this is not worth leaving over. Not even close. 

You guys were tense in this new area. He was probably highly anxious. But he was no doubt trying to push his anxiousness aside (in this uncertain environment) and your shouting just increased his anxiousness. 

Note: I am not saying your shouting (for him to be more careful) was wrong. Just that he was already anxious. And look, if you were scared you probably were primed to shout. But you've been with this guy for six years. How is he overall as a driver.

Most likely his brain was already overwhelmed with driving, so it doesn't seem like he meant to "hit" you, more like he didn't know how to tell you how anxious he was and how your shouting just exacerbated things. 

I don't want to tell you to speak softly in a situation like this--because if you think you are in danger, then yes, it's OK to speak loud. But ideally, you could say what you said in a quieter voice. 

Suggestion: he's feeling guilty and ashamed. One way to ease his shame is to tell him that you understand that he was driving (a big responsibility) in this new area. And you understand that he was trying his best for both of you. And say you understand how your own shouting could have made him more anxious. And then give him a huge and kiss.