Affair

[Confusedinlife]

61M partner with 47F for last 18 years. We have one daughter 14 and I have two sons from previous relationship 28 and 24. The previous relationship breakup was disastrous for me, I handed over all the financials and house to break away and make sure my sons had minimal disruption. This has carried forward in my mind as a reason not to leave my current partner and obligation to me daughter. I have overwhelming guilt at the thought of leaving and not being a proper dad in the house with her. I flip from thinking this is right but not what I want. I met another woman, who supported me through relationship anxiety as my partner was accusatory and calling me when I'm at work nonstop. I have to hide and pretend I'm in my hotel room rather than being with colleagues. At this stage, there was no reason at all for this behaviour. In the past, we don't really argue but l have a real problem with being monitored and the only reason it has stopped is because I upped security on my phone. My reaction was severe anxiety. My colleague, the female, noticed this and I was her manager and we discussed her DV relationship which she broke away from about a year prior. I now don't have concerns and also was impacted mentally by work. I developed strong feelings for the other woman but have treated her appallingly. I tell her I want to be with her then I panic. She has been subject to my turns for the last two years and when I calm down I just can't stop thinking about her and reach out again. Then I think I just stay where I am. I do love my current partner but and not in love. My strength of feeling for the other woman came out of nowhere and wasn't intentional, but is the closest thing to love I have ever felt. I keen sunpressing this and denying it. We don’t see each other often, so it's not about the stereotypical physical affair. I have cut her off many times for weeks but something always draws me back. I think about her all the time, daily. When we do meet, the connection between us is electric. She does want to be with me. But I can't move. I am stuck. I have recently seen her and we had a great time, talked, it all made sense but the next morning I took a small overdose.This spiralled me and made me cut the other woman off. Then I reached out to her again within a few days and then turned on her again. I now want what I already have but she says it sounds like I need to have further help before I make decisions. I am still in shock over what I tried to do to myself and am waiting for help. Last week I have put in my retirement papers and want a change in lifestyle and part of that is committing to where I already am but I’m in panic. Not sure if this is the right thing to do given the other person never leaving my mind despite doing this many times before. She is overwhelmingly upset and confused because I have flipped again and I say to her what I want then change it. I am being toxic. She asked me to calm down and get help before making big life decisions and feels like I’ve possibly lied about how I feel for her. This isn’t true it’s the hardest thing I’ve faced but she always get the back end. She says it’s easier for me to get rid of her because of convenience and I said yes I know. My previous counselling sessions made me realise the relationship at home is beyond repair but I keep trying anyway. Has anyone else been in this situation. Am I kidding myself I can fix this and will living for obligation, despite having love for my partner, ever work. My partner knows I have broken my commitment several times already but keeps me around. 

 

Shall I take a leap and how do I get over the guilt?

 

Should I try again to forget the other woman?

[S2B]

It appears you need serious and long term counseling.

be in your own and find how to be happy alone.

during that time be a good dad.

a good dad wouldn’t cheat and put the family unit in jeopardy.

find out why you have the need to cheat. Then do the work necessary to NOT cheat.