BeyondBlue58star Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 (edited) Hi everyone...I am 66 years old and my husband of 46 years (yes married at 20!) is causing me grief and for a while now. He is an extreme convert narcissist which is a term i did not even know a few months ago when after therapy i finally had the answer for all his behaviours and ill treatment of me over the years. However, this is not exactly why i am here. He is a Real Estate Agent and so takes alot of calls over the phone and in the car (hands free on speaker). At times when he takes some calls in the car for a while now...he always reminds the caller that he is in the car/or on speaker when I am present (not sure if I wasn't). Now on the surface this may seem just like a courtesy but it gives me this bad vibe that I cannot shake. To me it's like he is reminding them that I am there and they better be careful what they say. This happens with mostly male callers and usually his work colleagues. Yesterday we were returning on a long trip and a male work colleague rang and the first thing he said was "oh how I've missed you"...then my husband jumped in..."Hi David, I'm in the car" .....What the? I've often thought my husband has had sex elsewhere but now I am confused...is he now attracted to guys. (this colleague is married with kids). We only live together now, we are not sexually active. I've had enough of him really and now I've got myself in a frightful state and don't know what to do...am I imagining all this??????????????? Edited November 11 by BeyondBlue58star Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 Well they say always trust your intuition it’s usually right. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 11 Share Posted November 11 Nobody is going to be able to tell you what he is doing except the man himself. Is divorce a possible option for you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 5 hours ago, BeyondBlue58star said: ...We only live together now, we are not sexually active. Is this non-sexual relationship your choice, his choice, or mutual? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 I read that you seemed to tolerate him having sex elsewhere if it’s been with women but it’s possibly not acceptable if it’s with men. Does the gender or sex matter? What would help to ease your fears? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 9 hours ago, glows said: I read that you seemed to tolerate him having sex elsewhere if it’s been with women but it’s possibly not acceptable if it’s with men. Does the gender or sex matter? What would help to ease your fears? Yep, this is the stuff we don't know. Are you not having sex with him because you don't want to? Or, do you want sex with, him but he's stopped having sex with you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 Hm. If you're so sure he's a narcissist, and you don't trust him, and your relationship is not sexual, and you've had enough of him anyway ... why is his announcing that he's on speaker a huge deal to you? Isn't it kind of late to look for clues? It seems that you're not getting anything from this relationship except perhaps materially - we don't know. But maybe it's time for you to move on? *For the record, I ALWAYS tell whomever I talk with on speaker if there is someone else with me. I think it's a common courtesy. They might say something that they don't mean for anyone else to hear, or even if that would never happen, they have the right to know that it's not just a convo between the two of us. I think this is quite normal. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 (edited) Agree, it is quite normal. I don’t talk on the phone in the presence of another while driving because I find that distracting and disrespectful. But, if I did, I would definitely disclose to both parties that it’s not a private conversation. That said, just because it’s a normal doesn’t mean that he is not hiding something. And based on your description, I too wonder why you stay if you are this unhappy… Edited November 12 by BaileyB Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted November 12 Share Posted November 12 If you’re certain that he’s a covert narcissist I’d guess that secrecy during phone calls is the least of your problems. But, keeping in mind that you’re aware he’s not a nice person, obviously this change in his behaviour has made you feel uneasy, so there’s a reasonable chance he’s hiding something. It could be to do with money, perhaps something shady property deal he doesn’t want you to know about, or he could be carrying on some sort of flirtation with someone he knows through his work, just a couple of possibilities. May I ask your reasons for staying with an abusive man? Is it money, family obligations, fear of being alone? My advice to anyone married to a narcissist is go see a family law expert, line your ducks up like a top secret military operation, and then make your bid for freedom. Forty-six years is a long time to be down-trodden by an oxygen thief. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 On 11/12/2024 at 4:24 PM, MsJayne said: If you’re certain that he’s a covert narcissist I’d guess that secrecy during phone calls is the least of your problems. But, keeping in mind that you’re aware he’s not a nice person, obviously this change in his behaviour has made you feel uneasy, so there’s a reasonable chance he’s hiding something. It could be to do with money, perhaps something shady property deal he doesn’t want you to know about, or he could be carrying on some sort of flirtation with someone he knows through his work, just a couple of possibilities. May I ask your reasons for staying with an abusive man? Is it money, family obligations, fear of being alone? My advice to anyone married to a narcissist is go see a family law expert, line your ducks up like a top secret military operation, and then make your bid for freedom. Forty-six years is a long time to be down-trodden by an oxygen thief. Ah. Thank you, Jayne. This makes it clearer to me, OP, that your concerns aren't about him cheating on you, but rather, you're frightened that he's planning to harm you, and that's why he didn't want a caller to blurt out anything in front of you? In all the years you've driven with husband, did he ever notify callers that they were on speaker before? Concider contacting one of the Domestic Violence Prevention hotlines on the Internet. They can refer you to local services to make a safe plan to get yourself to safety. Many of these resources are of no cost to you and not generally known to the public for safety reasons. Another option is to contact your local hospital's human services department for a referral to local help. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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