What are some good relationship advice you got from older people around you?

[angelo1111]

What are some good relationship advice you ever received from older people ? 

I'll go first. 

I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years so far and she is the woman I want to be with. She is a good woman overall.  We did talk about marriage. We don't live together yet. We won't live together until marriage. 

But i was raised by my single father and I have 5 brothers. 

Here are  important relationship advice that my father gave me. 

Make sure you work hard and know how to save money in order to provide. Women like hard working men who can provide for them and protect them. 

Do the household chores without her having to ask you to do so. The last thing a woman wants is to baby a grown man. Don't expect her to cook for you either. It's up to you to cook for yourself. 

Have your own car and your own house before you even think about getting into a relationship. It's important to be 100 percent independent and never rely on your woman for anything. Don't even ask her for rides. If your car breaks down, take the bus or train to work. 

Always pay for all the dates. Yes even if you go out for your birthday, still pay for everything. 

And last but not least, be mysterious. 

Don't be too open and vulnerable to your woman. Don't talk to her about your childhood memories or bad childhood trials that you went thro, don't talk about your bad days at work. Even if you have a bad day at your job, come home with a smile and a positive attitude and tell her your day was wonderful when she asks you how your day was. Don't ever tell her about any of your relatives dying and don't grieve and get emotional in front of her. If you need to cry it out, do it in the shower and make sure you lock your door. Keep any struggles and vulnerabilities to yourself. Even she says that you can feel free to be open with her and confide in her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Woman here. I will say I disagree with several things your dear Dad has taught you. 

Rather than get into that, my parents (married over 50 years now) have instilled in me the importance of true friendship and partnership. Take on life's challenges together, try to find the joy in the small things in each other, be each other's soft place. Be open and fair in communication with each other. 

And most of all? Life is short. Enjoy the ride togehter as much as possible. There will be bumps, but have a hell of a good time with each other. 

 

Edited November 12 by ExpatInItaly

[Els]

I mean, when it comes to advice, "good" and "bad" is somewhat subjective. I disagree with some of the things that you mentioned, but hey, it doesn't matter. If it's working for you in your relationship and you're happy, then that's all that really matters.

Personally my parents have given me pretty shitty relationship advice, lol. It's hard for any advice to be applicable when we have such different worldviews from each others' (alongside a generation gap, cultural differences, etc), so I generally just smile and nod. I've gotten a lot of good advice from other people though, including a few folks on this forum in the past.

[Gebidozo]

Well, first of all, while some of the advice your Dad gave you is good, I disagree with some other.

I hope you don’t follow all of it blindly. The most important advice anyone could give you here is that people are different, they have different needs and desires and there is no one perfect set of relationship rules to follow.

My Mom gave me some good relationship tips and some bad ones. Sometimes people give advice that is fundamentally good, but very poorly worded. For example, my Mom always told me “not to love your woman too much, women like it when the man is a bit cold”. Taken literally, this is terrible advice. But I think what she meant was that I shouldn’t be a hysterical wreck, get rid of my neediness and clingy behavior, and stop mistaking emotional outbursts for real love. Which is good advice indeed.

Generation gap can be a problem, too. My Mom’s advice to younger women has always been, “get married and have kids as soon as you can, children are the meaning of a woman’s life”. That’s how people of her generation and her culture (a fairly patriarchal one) were indoctrinated to think. Hearing this all the time, I grew up with the conviction that every young woman’s dream is to get married and have kids as early as possible. I was very surprised to discover that wasn’t the case.

To be honest, some of the best relationship advice I ever got was from the people on this forum. 

Edited November 13 by Gebidozo

[Gaeta]

On 11/12/2024 at 9:47 AM, angelo1111 said:

Don't be too open and vulnerable to your woman. Don't talk to her about your childhood memories or bad childhood trials that you went thro, don't talk about your bad days at work. Even if you have a bad day at your job, come home with a smile and a positive attitude and tell her your day was wonderful when she asks you how your day was. Don't ever tell her about any of your relatives dying and don't grieve and get emotional in front of her. If you need to cry it out, do it in the shower and make sure you lock your door. Keep any struggles and vulnerabilities to yourself. Even she says that you can feel free to be open with her and confide in her

Your dad was from an older generation, the generation of men that don't open and don't cry, that's why men suicide is so high.

His advice on being the soul provider of the family was realistic 40 years ago, it's practically impossible nowadays.

My parents have been married 60 years. I wish they had given me their best advise. Their philosophy was it's always best to learn our lessons ourselves so they never ever spoke to me about dating, relationship and marriage. And boy did l learn the hard way! 

Now l'm at an age l give my adult daughters relationship advise - don't sweat the small stuff, work as a team, be kind toward each other, have short term and long term goals together.

[Foxhall]

On 11/12/2024 at 2:47 PM, angelo1111 said:

Don't be too open and vulnerable to your woman. Don't talk to her about your childhood memories or bad childhood trials that you went thro, don't talk about your bad days at work. Even if you have a bad day at your job, come home with a smile and a positive attitude and tell her your day was wonderful when she asks you how your day was. Don't ever tell her about any of your relatives dying and don't grieve and get emotional in front of her. If you need to cry it out, do it in the shower and make sure you lock your door. Keep any struggles and vulnerabilities to yourself. Even she says that you can feel free to be open with her and confide in her. 

I tend to agree on the above actually,

"Never say anything negative to a woman (about yourself especially) is always a good motto,

 

Im not sure if I am qualified to offer any "advice" on the topic of women,

However I cant resist I suppose

If your asked to choose between two women- choose the one who excites you and gives you butterflies- do not choose on the basis that one is more "reliable" than the other,

If love and passion is lacking- reliability will not sustain the relationship.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm like some of the others above. I am not sure I got much wisdom from older people. 

The roles of men and women and the expectations around dating and relationships and marriage have changed dramatically since the time my parents dated. It's a completely different world. 

I definitely do not want to pay for all the dates. Heck I've dated women who make as much or more than I do. I'll pay for initial dates. But over time, that's going to be back and forth. I find that whole habit of men paying for all dates to be outdated and unfair to men. I also think that's a pose. Instead of playing the role of some kind of protector, how about I just be a really good and thoughtful partner? I have all kinds of women friends married to men who paid for all dates--and they feel distant from their husbands who are emotionally closed. 

OK, a few suggestions are coming to me from my beloved mother. 

She was an extrovert who loved to smile and go out. She said if you're an extrovert, consider seriously whether you want to be with an introvert. She felt like my dad wasn't up for going out as much as she was. Now, to update this. My mother didn't drive, and in her world, it was unusual for a woman to go to a dinner or party by herself. These days, married women (and men) friends of mine will go out without their husbands or wives--and that's OK. So if you're an extrovert paired with an introvert these days, you're not as locked in as in the old days. Still every extrovert I know who is married to an introvert is quite aware that the introvert does not want to go out nearly as much as they do. 

My parents believed in finding a partner who had your level of education and ambition. That applies today as well--but there is nothing special about that advice.

Saving money is great, but in a mature couple, that is a shared goal and a shared action. Again, I know women married to guys who were great savers and still they barely can stand the guys. Saving money ain't enough in this world. It's great, but it doesn't make up for warmth and connection and thoughtfulness and on and on. 

 

[basil67]

On 11/13/2024 at 1:47 AM, angelo1111 said:

Don't be too open and vulnerable to your woman. Don't talk to her about your childhood memories or bad childhood trials that you went thro, don't talk about your bad days at work. Even if you have a bad day at your job, come home with a smile and a positive attitude and tell her your day was wonderful when she asks you how your day was. Don't ever tell her about any of your relatives dying and don't grieve and get emotional in front of her. If you need to cry it out, do it in the shower and make sure you lock your door. Keep any struggles and vulnerabilities to yourself. Even she says that you can feel free to be open with her and confide in her. 

I'm a woman and this wouldn't work for me.  Why?  Because it means I wouldn't properly know him and how he thinks and feels.  That said, nor would I want a guy who complained all the time without doing something to address it (and I want would not want this in a woman either!)    

As it so happens, it's not uncommon to see women writing here who are disappointed about their men not letting them in emotionally

Edited November 14 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Never say anything negative to a woman (about yourself especially) is always a good motto

Well, many women do prefer emotionally open, vulnerable men. In general, women tend to be compassionate and like it when a man isn’t being a “cool macho” but honestly shares his weaknesses and fears.

The problem is that some men think that having uncontrolled lousy moods, being mean and spiteful, badmouthing, whining, and overloading women with problems equals “being emotionally open” and “vulnerable”. Obviously, that kind of negativity is toxic.

 

6 hours ago, Foxhall said:

If your asked to choose between two women- choose the one who excites you and gives you butterflies- do not choose on the basis that one is more "reliable" than the other,

If love and passion is lacking- reliability will not sustain the relationship.

Totally agree, good advice.

Edited November 14 by Gebidozo

[Foxhall]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, many women do prefer emotionally open, vulnerable men. In general, women tend to be compassionate and like it when a man isn’t being a “cool macho” but honestly shares his weaknesses and fears.

No doubt I agree with you this is the way it should be,

vulnerability brings connection- 

I suppose what I said above is based on my own experiences- where Ive found showing weakness has resulted either in the ending or the non progression of relationships,

so for the time being anyway carrying a certain bitterness.

[Gebidozo]

18 hours ago, Foxhall said:

No doubt I agree with you this is the way it should be,

vulnerability brings connection- 

I suppose what I said above is based on my own experiences- where Ive found showing weakness has resulted either in the ending or the non progression of relationships,

so for the time being anyway carrying a certain bitterness.

Maybe the women you were dating were simply incompatible with you in that way. They seem to be the wrong type for you. If you’re an openly emotional person and don’t want to put on a “macho” mask, look for women who appreciate this in a man. Don’t hide your character, on the contrary, make it clear that you are what you are, this way you’ll weed out incompatible people faster and won’t have to go through painful breakups because of that later.

[spiritedaway2003]

My guy is emotionally available (and vulnerable depending on circumstances) and I love that about him, so I don't necessarily agree with the advice on not being vulnerable.  We all have fears and weaknesses - that's what makes us human.   Maybe back in the day when there is more of an expectation to put on a "macho" persona (more of my parents generation), but I don't need or want that in a partner.  I want to know him, as a person.  Who he is. What makes him tick.  My guy is emotionally self-aware and balanced, and I'm the same with him.  He knows me truly as I am.  We have seen our share of losses over the years and other challenging health issues with those around us.  We can just be our true authentic selves with each other.   We share a lot of love and laughs together and we support each other through tough times.  I've seen him cry; he's seen me at my lowest points.  There is nothing to hide between us; it's the healthiest relationship either of us have been in.

For relationship advice, mine is simpler:  Be kind, support one another, appreciate each other.  People say you have to "work" in a relationship.  I think when you're in a compatible relationship, it  doesn't feel like it's "work" as much as it's about "working together".

[basil67]

On 11/14/2024 at 7:58 PM, Foxhall said:

No doubt I agree with you this is the way it should be,

vulnerability brings connection- 

I suppose what I said above is based on my own experiences- where Ive found showing weakness has resulted either in the ending or the non progression of relationships,

so for the time being anyway carrying a certain bitterness.

It can depend on what the weakness is.   For example, too much insecurity (from either gender) can kill a relationship.  Too much complaining without doing anything about it (from either gender) can kill a relationship.    But expressing concern about an aging parent, concern about job security, disappointment over a cancelled event, crying because your pet died, etc etc is fine.   Heck, both my father and husband tear up at sad/emotional scenes in movies and it's all good.  It's nice to know they have a heart

[Clockwork]

Never let the sun go down on your anger. Don't go to bed mad at each other. Ever. You'll have a Golden wedding anniversary if you stick to this. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Clockwork said:

Never let the sun go down on your anger. Don't go to bed mad at each other. Ever. You'll have a Golden wedding anniversary if you stick to this. 

What does this actually mean in practicality?    I've been in situations where there was really no immediate resolution, so we slept it off and came back to it with new eyes the next day

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

What does this actually mean in practicality?    I've been in situations where there was really no immediate resolution, so we slept it off and came back to it with new eyes the next day

I agree with that. Some people cannot be pushed to resolve an issue and they need to be left alone for a period.

It's a game of give and take. Sometimes l'm patient, sometimes he's patient as long as we're both committed to resolving the issue.

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I agree with that. Some people cannot be pushed to resolve an issue and they need to be left alone for a period.

It's a game of give and take....

I agree. I like to think of this as a 'dance' rather than a game, because it's mutual and supports being on the same side rather than a game 'against' an opponent or adversary.

[Els]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

What does this actually mean in practicality?    I've been in situations where there was really no immediate resolution, so we slept it off and came back to it with new eyes the next day

Agreed. Taking some time off to calm down before discussing the issue again can be much more productive than arguing all night, IMO. Obviously don't just stew on it for days and days, but sleeping before another discussion is fine. If you're tired, hungry, angry, etc, it's usually a bad idea to try to handle complex emotions or difficult discussions.