Did she physically cheat?

[warehouseboy]

 

 

We are all coworkers in one job. I'll use made up names in this story.

 

My friend Mark basically just broke the news to me. He's the roommate of Neil. He was going along with Neil and not telling me about this ongoing situation between Neil and my girlfriend Lisa, as they're close friends (and I think it would be awkward for them to fall out because they live together).

 

Apparently Lisa has been having long phone calls with Neil on many nights whilst I'm out or working. Mark was in the room with Neil when she called him and she was so comfortable with him she was even talking to him whilst she was on the toilet (peeing). 

 

And here's the kicker, Neil told Mark he had to promise not to tell anyone about this situation, presumably because they don't want to jepordise it if me or our other co-workers know. Mark went along with this for a while but then had to tell me, he's a good friend.

 

Lisa has been telling Neil that our sex life has fizzled out recently, I guess it has a bit, I've just been very busy working loads these last few months. She never came to me and talked to me about this. Neil also told Mark that Lisa is planning to leave me for him. 

 

Okay, I mean obviously the relationship between myself and Lisa is clearly over in my eyes, although they don't know I know yet.

 

Mark did say Lisa hasn't been round to his place where he lives with Neil but he reckons they've met up. So yeah, they slept together right? 

[Leihla_B]

How are we supposed to know? You're the one who knows these people, not us. I wouldn't accuse anyone of anything because it misses the point. Either you can trust someone to be loyal, or you can't. If not, then that renders anything they say or do irrelevant, so what would be the point in speculation?

[warehouseboy]

2 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

How are we supposed to know? You're the one who knows these people, not us. I wouldn't accuse anyone of anything because it misses the point. Either you can trust someone to be loyal, or you can't. If not, then that renders anything they say or do irrelevant, so what would be the point in speculation?

What's with the attitude? I'm posting my thoughts to get people's opinions on an infidelity that is happening to me.  I'll ask elsewhere, I'm not interested in what you have to say.

 

 

[Leihla_B]

1 minute ago, warehouseboy said:

What's with the attitude? I'm posting my thoughts to get people's opinions on an infidelity that is happening to me.  I'll ask elsewhere, I'm not interested in what you have to say.

It's not an attitude. It just makes no sense to speculate only to treat that as factual. Don't make yourself look foolish by accusing someone of something you can't be sure they've done. That's overkill. The disloyalty, of itself, is enough. Stick with that alone, and you will thank yourself later.

[warehouseboy]

Just now, Leihla_B said:

It's not an attitude. It just makes no sense to speculate only to treat that as factual. Don't make yourself look foolish by accusing someone of something you can't be sure they've done. That's overkill. The disloyalty, of itself, is enough. Stick with that alone, and you will thank yourself later.

I think I understand what you mean actually. Are you saying that her disloyalty, whether she slept with him or not, is already enough for me to see her for what she is? 

[Leihla_B]

Just now, warehouseboy said:

I think I understand what you mean actually. Are you saying that her disloyalty, whether she slept with him or not, is already enough for me to see her for what she is? 

Yes, unless you make room for the possibility that the guy who gossiped has a crush on your GF and is trying to break you up.

[warehouseboy]

1 minute ago, Leihla_B said:

Yes, unless you make room for the possibility that the guy who gossiped has a crush on your GF and is trying to break you up.

Well it's pretty much over in my eyes anyway if she's taking about our sex life to him, apparently telling him she's thinking of leaving me for him etc. 

 

Sorry if I flew off the handle earlier I'm emotionally hurt at the moment.

[Leihla_B]

Just now, warehouseboy said:

Well it's pretty much over in my eyes anyway if she's taking about our sex life to him, apparently telling him she's thinking of leaving me for him etc. 

How much do you trust the person who told you this?

Quote

Sorry if I flew off the handle earlier I'm emotionally hurt at the moment.

I hear.

[warehouseboy]

Just now, Leihla_B said:

How much do you trust the person who told you this?

 

I personally don't see what mark has to gain from telling me Neil and my girlfriend, Lisa, are potentially cheating behind my back. Especially as he lives with Neil and it could make his living situation awkward. I see mark as a good friend for this 

[Leihla_B]

Just now, warehouseboy said:

I personally don't see what mark has to gain from telling me Neil and my girlfriend, Lisa, are potentially cheating behind my back. Especially as he lives with Neil and it could make his living situation awkward. I see mark as a good friend for this 

Okay, then I would limit my focus to the disloyalty alone. Flinging accusations about anything based on gossip or speculation would only come off as unhinged. If your goal is to get out of this without outing your friend and making his life hell, then you can simply say that this isn't working for you. Then you don't need to involve anyone else, and you won't harm your own reputation by being a hot-head who operates on gossip.

That's a big caution in itself--it IS gossip.

[MsJayne]

Mark has nothing to gain by telling you what's been going on, though he may stand to lose two friends, so I would take the news of Lisa being two-faced as a fact. Discussing your relationship with Neil is ugly behaviour, so see that for what it is and don't make excuses for her. Don't throw Mark under the bus, he's got your back, which is more than you can say for Lisa. She's disloyal and sly,  just the sort of woman who, if you were silly enough to continue and end up marrying her, would one day take you to the cleaners. Just politely dump her and let Neil have her, he'll regret it soon enough when she does the same thing to him.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Just politely dump her and let Neil have her, he'll regret it soon enough when she does the same thing to him.

Indeed, best she be his problem than yours. 

We can’t tell you for sure whether she cheated - we were not there, in much the same way that you were not there. Jane gave a good assessment. And Leihla is not wrong - it doesn’t matter whether she actually cheated or not. You don’t trust her, and that is reason enough to end the relationship.