Hecticmom Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 (edited) 😔Advice? I’ve been off and on with a man for a little over a year. He has sexual issues in the bedroom and tried to cover them up and avoid talking about it for months. I discovered finally that he has a porn/strip club addiction that has desensitized him completely. He said his sexual issues have been going on for 15 years. He still denies his addictions and tries to blame it on everything but that. He’s a decent human and says he hasn’t been back to the strip club or watching porn as much. I also had To ask on several occasions why he’s following local strippers on social media. He finally deleted them after months of arguing. I can tell he worships the ground I walk on and even shared his location with me in hopes of building trust. He wants to be with me but sexually can’t perform and isn’t giving me what I need. I feel disgusted with him now. I truly don’t believe he’s kicked a 15 year habit out of the blue. He’s been promising therapy and finally had His first appointment when I threatened to leave. Anyone experience anything like this? Im younger than him and I know I'm not ugly nor do I have a bad personality. I could move on but for some dumb reason I haven’t yet. Edited November 13 by Hecticmom Forgot a question. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 Hmm… can’t perform sexually, lies about his behavior and refuses to seek help (only going because you essentially gave him an ultimatum… that doesn’t sound to me like a recipe for a happy relationship. The fact that this pattern of behavior is longstanding would be particularly concerning to me. It’s different, but it’s the same, maybe consider an Al-Anon group? Or individual counselling yourself? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 Nah, just get out here. A year of this off and on is not worth the emotional hassle. Find a man who's got his life in order and isn't dragging damaging addictions into relationships. I would not put myself through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 13 Share Posted November 13 19 hours ago, Hecticmom said: ...off and on You're wasting your time, sorry. It's not his problem, he's not changing it, so it's your problem if you stick with him. How much time do you want to waste on this problem before you decide to go find someone who will give you the relationship you want for yourself? We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. If these are your best fertility years, and you envision a future with a good sex life and starting a family, I'd consider that carefully. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 He needs to take care of this problem. It is his problem, not yours. He might be suffering from the very common (and very harmful) madonna/ whore complex. He is turned on by “dirty” sex with “bad” women (strippers, prostitutes, porn actresses), but can’t perform well with a woman he has a serious relationship with. He might be able to fix it by fantasizing and projecting “dirty” sex scenarios onto his sexual relationship with you. Or, to look at it from another angle, he should loosen up and accept your sexuality as exciting, without applying any negative connotations to the “dirty” kind of sex that has excited him so far. If this doesn’t work, then he needs to see a sex therapist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hecticmom Posted November 15 Author Share Posted November 15 I finally broke it off with him yesterday after trying to give him the opportunity to admit he needs help. He spun it around on me and said I needed therapy. I told him that was the last time he’d hear any complaints from me and blocked him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 OP just a heads up. Admitting you need help is inadequate. For problems like addiction, the person needs to aggressively get help and aggressively and continuously apply the behaviors that allow them to break the addiction. I come from a family beset with addictions. Admitting a problem is yes, huge. But also slippery and such an admission can occur one moment and denial can occur the next. When it comes to judging whether a partner is able to be in relationship with us, you need someone who has conquered the addiction and is continuing to get major multi-pronged help in keeping the addiction in remission. Good move on your part--still I'm still worried you're setting standards too low. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 4 hours ago, Hecticmom said: I finally broke it off with him yesterday after trying to give him the opportunity to admit he needs help. He spun it around on me and said I needed therapy. I told him that was the last time he’d hear any complaints from me and blocked him. block on all platforms and apps not just your cellphone for ie. Now you know in future what to avoid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 5 hours ago, Hecticmom said: I finally broke it off with him yesterday after trying to give him the opportunity to admit he needs help. He spun it around on me and said I needed therapy. I told him that was the last time he’d hear any complaints from me and blocked him. I'm sorry he insulted you and upset you. My concern is that you mentioned "off and on" is a pattern with the two of you. I hope for your sake that you're ending that cycle now. Head high. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hecticmom Posted November 15 Author Share Posted November 15 Thanks everyone for the advice. I let him make me feel like something was wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman with a good personality and a lot going for me but he almost ruined my self esteem with his porn addiction. He’s 10 years older than me and still hasn’t realized he’ll never have a decent relationship if he doesn’t get help. As for myself, I’ll been in therapy trying to figure out why I keep choosing the men I do 😫 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 16 Share Posted November 16 18 hours ago, Hecticmom said: Thanks everyone for the advice. I let him make me feel like something was wrong with me. I’m an attractive woman with a good personality and a lot going for me but he almost ruined my self esteem with his porn addiction. He’s 10 years older than me and still hasn’t realized he’ll never have a decent relationship if he doesn’t get help. As for myself, I’ll been in therapy trying to figure out why I keep choosing the men I do 😫 You choose because of how you see yourself. As women we are are natural born nurturers. We put everyone first before us...house, family, husband/partner. A lot of us doesn't know how to say no. We don't do enough self care because we are too busy taking care of everyone else. This is a great opportunity to be alone for awhile, and get yourself back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 16 Share Posted November 16 4 hours ago, smackie9 said: ...be alone for awhile, and get yourself back. Yes, and don't give someone else credit for robbing you of anything. It's up to each of us to act as our own advocate when it comes to screening out people who are bad for us. Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds--for everyone. Porn abusers have built that condition long before they will ever meet you--and it's NOT up to you to disabuse them of it. You can take the time to get to know someone well enough before becoming sexual to learn whether you can trust them to respect your vulnerabilities and also to reciprocate by discussing their own. This way, as you encounter any challenges to your relationship going forward, sexual or otherwise, you will feel safe enough to communicate. That's the only path to either resolving a given issue or recognizing that it's not resolvable. Anyone who shuts you down emotionally is NOT your match. Lose them early, and move forward to find the right man for you. Head high. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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