Controlling?

[Jess85]

Doesn't like if other guys see me dancing- not me dancing with guys just guys being in the same venue.
Gets angry when I don't respond straight away
Told me im not good for disagreeing with him on something
Told me he wouldn't like me wearing shorts
Tried to tell me he loves my daughter more than I love her.
When I told him no one loves her more than me he got angry
Called me stupid and empty minded
Slowly took things away from me like some kind of punishment
Complained about people on my social media I'd known for years. Made me feel like I had to delete them. Then when I did turned round and said he didn't make me do anything.
Got jealous over celebrities I followed
Thought it was ok to leave me crying
Got angry with me when I didn't know he was depressed.
Liked to use the phrase it's you not me
Didn't take accountability for anything
Would remove things making me feel like it's punishment
Called me a whore
Following half naked girls even though didn't like me Following guys who were old school friends
Called me the devil
Measured me on facetime because I was too far down on the screen. My whole face was on screen??
Complained about me wearing a dressing gown. I'm in the UK, it was freezing!
Said I look better with my hair up because it makes me look younger
Called me a raging bull for my reaction to him saving half naked girls
Got angry with me for not contacting him when I was very sick one time and had slept most of the day
Told me I'm lucky he's still here
Complained I never sent voice notes in the morning, so I started too.Today I sent a voice note and then a reel. He's now decided he won't speak to me until the afternoon because he doesn't like reels in morning.

Each day there seems to be more and more complaints from him and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. His behaviour alternates too. One day he's so kind and loving and the next he's back to making me feel rubbish again 

[basil67]

If you want permission to leave, you have mine

[Jess85]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you want permission to leave, you have 

I feel such an idiot for putting up with it for so long 

[Jess85]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you want permission to leave, you have mine

I feel such an idiot for putting up with it for so long 

[BaileyB]

Yes, he is very controlling. I would actually say, emotionally abusive. 

I agree with basil, you have my permission to leave as well. The only thing worse than staying in an unhealthy relationship for a long time is staying for one more day when you could make a different decision…

[Gaeta]

I could only read half through it because it upsets me deeply when women allow abusers in their life and especially their children's life.

Please free yourself from this toxic abuser

 

[Jess85]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, he is very controlling. I would actually say, emotionally abusive. 

I agree with basil, you have my permission to leave as well. The only thing worse than staying in an unhealthy relationship for a long time is staying for one more day when you could make a different decision…

I know in my head this is what I need to do. I guess I'm holding on to the good times. It can be lovely for a while and then without warning, I've apparently done wrong. 

[Jess85]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I could only read half through it because it upsets me deeply when women allow abusers in their life and especially their children's life.

Please free yourself from this toxic abuser

 

I'd just like to say he hasn't actually met my daughter yet. I think if I was giving someone the advice I've asked for I'd be saying the exact same thing as you. Thankyou for your reply.

[basil67]

It's really quite fortunate that he is long distance and hasn't met your daughter.  Ending it will be far less complicated than if you lived close or together

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

It can be lovely for a while and then without warning, I've apparently done wrong. 

This is called the cycle of abuse. Google it.
 

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

I guess I'm holding on to the good times.

Even the most abusive of relationships have “good times” some of the time. Abusers are rarely abusive 24/7 - if they were, they would never convince anyone to stay with them. 

Please don’t introduce your daughter to this abuse. She will watch and learn from you - if she sees you allow this man to disrespect you, she will allow the same to happen in her grown up relationships.

If you have the ability to get some counselling, it would be the best thing you could do for yourself and your daughter. ❤️

Edited November 14 by BaileyB

[happyhorizons]

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

I know in my head this is what I need to do. I guess I'm holding on to the good times. It can be lovely for a while and then without warning, I've apparently done wrong. 

You can DO IT........you are stronger than you think that you are and you DO NOT DESERVE to be treated like this or controlled in any way shape or form.  Droo this guy like a bad habit.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Jess85 said:

I know in my head this is what I need to do. I guess I'm holding on to the good times. It can be lovely for a while and then without warning, I've apparently done wrong. 

Please don’t hold onto the good times. They have nothing to do with the fact that he is abusive. Abusers can be (and usually) are very warm, sweet, and charming when they want to. Control freaks can be very caring and protective. Just because a cruel dictator doesn’t cut off heads 24/7 and sometimes makes grand gestures towards his people doesn’t make him less cruel.

[glows]

Is this someone you’re talking to online Op? Have you met? 100% leave.

Edited November 14 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

Get away from this  man before the sun goes down today. 

He is awful. 

[Jess85]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Please don’t hold onto the good times. They have nothing to do with the fact that he is abusive. Abusers can be (and usually) are very warm, sweet, and charming when they want to. Control freaks can be very caring and protective. Just because a cruel dictator doesn’t cut off heads 24/7 and sometimes makes grand gestures towards his people doesn’t make him less cruel.

Very true. I guess I know what I must do 

[Jess85]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Is this someone you’re talking to online Op? Have you met? 100% 

It is yes. No we didn't meet yet. We planned to in summer but too much happened in life. We've faced timed many times though. I'm too scared to meet him now anyway as his moods are so unpredictable 

[Jess85]

9 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You can DO IT........you are stronger than you think that you are and you DO NOT DESERVE to be treated like this or controlled in any way shape or form.  Droo this guy like a bad habit.

Thankyou yes I just need to be strong don't I. I have terrible luck with men. I think I'll keep single from now on 

[Jess85]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's really quite fortunate that he is long distance and hasn't met your daughter.  Ending it will be far less complicated than if you lived close or together

It will be yes. I tend to keep my daughter separate from my situations

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

I have terrible luck with men.

Bad luck usually only plays a small role in these situations. A much bigger factor may be that you don't weed out guys like this soon enough, and don't have a good sense of boudaries for yourself. 

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

No we didn't meet yet

All of this crap from a man you haven't even met is deeply, deeply worrying. It's disturbing behaviour on his part, and extremely concerning that you have gone along with it and not already run screaming for the hills. Have you got a history of abusive relatonships? How did you meet this man?

17 hours ago, Jess85 said:

Slowly took things away from me

How can he take things away from you when you haven't met him? What did he take away? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

No we didn't meet yet.

Oh goodness, if he is this bold when you have not even met, I can only imagine what he will be like in person. 

Jess - don’t even tell him that you are leaving, just block him. Don’t give him the opportunity or any more ammunition to hurt you - just block. No goodbyes needed. No explanation. No apology. Just walk away… you haven’t even met the man in person - you owe him nothing. 

And please, find a counsellor if possible to understand why you have given your power away to a man that you have never actually met. The fact that you have allowed this man to be so abusive from a distance is deeply disturbing, as was said above.

Hugs, my dear. You deserve more than this, but only if you have the courage to require it. Take care of yourself, and your daughter. You got this. 

Edited November 14 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Jess85 said:

It is yes. No we didn't meet yet. We planned to in summer but too much happened in life. We've faced timed many times though. I'm too scared to meet him now anyway as his moods are so unpredictable 

What are you getting out of this?  I mean, the "lovely" parts ... when you have not met.  

Is this man from a culture where women are expected to behave in a different way than in your culture?  For example, in Egypt and various other Islamic cultures women are not supposed to wear shorts.  Or dance in public places where men are.  Etc.  

 

[Jess85]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Oh goodness, if he is this bold when you have not even met, I can only imagine what he will be like in person. 

Jess - don’t even tell him that you are leaving, just block him. Don’t give him the opportunity or any more ammunition to hurt you - just block. No goodbyes needed. No explanation. No apology. Just walk away… you haven’t even met the man in person - you owe him nothing. 

And please, find a counsellor if possible to understand why you have given your power away to a man that you have never actually met. The fact that you have allowed this man to be so abusive from a distance is deeply disturbing, as was said above.

Hugs, my dear. You deserve more than this, but only if you have the courage to require it. Take care of yourself, and your daughter. You got this. 

Thankyou so much for your reply. Yes I'm quite disappointed in myself for letting it get this far. 

[Jess85]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bad luck usually only plays a small role in these situations. A much bigger factor may be that you don't weed out guys like this soon enough, and don't have a good sense of boudaries for yourself. 

All of this crap from a man you haven't even met is deeply, deeply worrying. It's disturbing behaviour on his part, and extremely concerning that you have gone along with it and not already run screaming for the hills. Have you got a history of abusive relatonships? How did you meet this man?

How can he take things away from you when you haven't met him? What did he take away? 

Ok so if I'm going out with friends and I tell him what time and I'll message him when I'm home. He will get annoyed, Tell me he won't call me anymore,  he won't send any video anymore ( nothing sexual) He wants to know what I do all the time. 

[Jess85]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Bad luck usually only plays a small role in these situations. A much bigger factor may be that you don't weed out guys like this soon enough, and don't have a good sense of boudaries for yourself. 

All of this crap from a man you haven't even met is deeply, deeply worrying. It's disturbing behaviour on his part, and extremely concerning that you have gone along with it and not already run screaming for the hills. Have you got a history of abusive relatonships? How did you meet this man?

How can he take things away from you when you haven't met him? What did he take away? 

We share a birthday and I had wished him happy birthday on a scorpio page. I wished others happy birthday too not just him and he sent me a message. For around 3 months there was zero problems and then he started to change. This was a year ago November 7th 

 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Jess85 said:

if I'm going out with friends and I tell him what time and I'll message him when I'm home. He will get annoyed, Tell me he won't call me anymore,  he won't send any video anymore ( nothing sexual) He wants to know what I do all the time.

He has no right to ask this of you - you are not in a relationship with the man. You have never met him. 

Even if you were in a relationship with the man, even if you were living with or married to the man, he has no right to ask this of you (unless you live in an oppressed culture where women are required to cover themselves and not allowed to leave home without their husband or father’s permission). 

Further to the question above - what are you getting from this that’s positive? I would ask - would it be any kind of loss to you if he didn’t call or send videos anymore? I mean, if your choices are go out and socialize with friends or stay in and suffer his abuse - I would choose go out and enjoy the company and support of friends any day compared to the isolation and abuse that he would impose on you… if he could. 

Edited November 14 by BaileyB