Controlling?

[glows]

13 hours ago, Jess85 said:

It is yes. No we didn't meet yet. We planned to in summer but too much happened in life. We've faced timed many times though. I'm too scared to meet him now anyway as his moods are so unpredictable 

There’s an emotional attachment there although you’ve not met in person but this is a false attachment too. Imagine what a person is able to conceal when you don’t see their regular routines in person or have not met their friends or family. Your friends and family also haven’t met him then and they can’t support or help you vet him. There are nuances missing like how he looks at you, his tone instead of texting, how fast his moods change or any number of major red flags. This went on so long because you couldn’t see those things in person. You deserve to but have been deprived of it..I’m not sure if you understand what I mean. That’s why this has gone on so long and why it’s false not seeing who he really is. 

I don’t know about you but for me the realest reality check is often my intuition when thinking on my feet and coming face to face with someone, reading body language, hearing and seeing how they respond in person. It’s so incredibly important. This is missing and dangerous. I hope you block him on every platform and app and never look back. Girl you’re a diva. Why are you mixing with fools.

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Jess85 said:

I have terrible luck with men. I think I'll keep single from now on 

From my experience, luck has very little to do with our misfortunes in romantic life.

Usually the problem is in our bad recurrent patterns. Either we keep behaving badly without changing, or we keep choosing people who behave badly without changing as our romantic partners.

Your case seems to be the latter. There is no need to be single forever from now on, there are good men out there. You’ll just need to learn to recognize them, to weed out the bad ones.

Edited November 15, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Jess85 said:

Ok so if I'm going out with friends and I tell him what time and I'll message him when I'm home. He will get annoyed, Tell me he won't call me anymore,  he won't send any video anymore ( nothing sexual) He wants to know what I do all the time. 

Why do you let him know what you do all the time?

This kind of control would be overkill in a committed long-term relationship. In an online chat, this is downright insane.

You don’t have a common household, you haven’t slept together, you haven’t even met! What right does this person has to even expect any answers to his questions concerning your whereabouts and activities?

 

[MsJayne]

Being as you haven't met this DVP, (Domestic Violence Perpetrator), yet, all you have to do is block him on all platforms. He's unwell, and is showing all signs of someone who would soon start bashing you if you let him into your real life. If he pesters you after you've blocked him keep all records of him trying to contact you and mention that you will report him. Most DVP's s**t their pants at the mention of police because they're all cowards. 

[Jess85]

Hi all, I'd just like to say thankyou for your responses. I realise I let this situation go on for far too long. I took the advice and have blocked him. I know I should have done this much sooner than I have. I feel a fool for letting a man I've never met control me for so long. I must work on setting boundaries. Maybe now I can breathe a little easier without feeling I have to inform someone of my every move. Not even my own mother knows my every move, so to allow this with someone I have never met is not good. I have friends of over 10 years online, who I have met up with, been to concerts with and they are the loveliest people. I guess from him being so 'sweet' in the beginning, I thought it would be the same with him. I know that isn't the case now. Time to focus on myself and stay away from toxic situations 

[ExpatInItaly]

How did you even meet this guy?

[Jess85]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How did you even meet this guy?

We share a birthday and I'd wished him happy birthday on a page we was both members of. I wished others happy birthday too. He then sent me a DM. He was polite and seemed lovely. He was for the first 3 months.I should have ran at the first sign of a problem tbh. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Jess85 said:

I should have ran at the first sign of a problem tbh. 

Yes, you should have. Don't ever give people this power over you. 

How far away does this man live from you? 

[Jess85]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, you should have. Don't ever give people this power over you. 

How far away does this man live from you? 

We are in different countries,so far away enough

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Jess85 said:

We are in different countries,so far away enough

So I would encourage to ask yourself these questions:

1) How realistic a prospect was this? Even if he hadn't turned out to be a terrible person, do you have the financial means and opportunity to travel? It takes a lot of time and money to sustain long-distance relationships. 

2)  When did your last relationship end, and was it also toxic? You seem to have been very vulnerable to some sweet words, and really latched on to this man, so I am wondering what your emotional landscape was like before you met him. 

3) How did you justify (to yourself) being controlled like this? What was it you said to yourself that explained actually going along with his demands? 

4) What has he told you about his own background? How much have you even been able to verify? 

5) You mentioned somehing about intending to meet up this past summer (I think). Why didn't that happen? 

[Jess85]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So I would encourage to ask yourself these questions:

1) How realistic a prospect was this? Even if he hadn't turned out to be a terrible person, do you have the financial means and opportunity to travel? It takes a lot of time and money to sustain long-distance relationships. 

2)  When did your last relationship end, and was it also toxic? You seem to have been very vulnerable to some sweet words, and really latched on to this man, so I am wondering what your emotional landscape was like before you met him. 

3) How did you justify (to yourself) being controlled like this? What was it you said to yourself that explained actually going along with his demands? 

4) What has he told you about his own background? How much have you even been able to verify? 

5) You mentioned somehing about intending to meet up this past summer (I think). Why didn't that happen? 

To answer your questions:

1) I do have the financial means, but I'm reluctant to spend money on something I feel on edge about. So I'm glad it never got that far 

2) I ended my last relationship 9 years ago. He became toxic after we split

3) I told myself he can be nice and he's really funny. I saw a good side, like I try to with everyone 

4) I've seen his home, spoken to his mum with him translating, spoken to his nieces, he's shown me family albums, shown me his degree certificates and bar license, he's told me many things about his life with evidence to back it up.  He never asked me for money or to send any unsolicited pictures. 

5) I have a pretty busy lifestyle and spent the summer going to concerts with my daughter and on a holiday, so it just never happened.  He also expected me to travel to him. A female on my own and I don't feel comfortable with that. He is in Egypt. If I'm going to go there I'd much prefer to go to the tourist areas like Hurghada or sharm

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

He also expected me to travel to him. A female on my own and I don't feel comfortable with that. 

Of course he did. You were smart not to go. The fact that he'd expect you to travel alone to him is a red flag in and of itself. What was the reaon he woudln't travel to you, or meet you somewhere in the middle? 

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

He is in Egypt.

I am going to guess there are some significant cultural and religious differences between you two. 

1 hour ago, Jess85 said:

I told myself he can be nice and he's really funny. I saw a good side, like I try to with everyone 

Most of us do, but there is a point in which we can't let some sweetness cloud or better judgment when the person behaves abusively. Abuses rarely abuse constantly, though it sounds like he was a jackass most of the time with you. He was taking this to an extreme and you hadn't even met. Imagine how awful he would have been in person. 

I would block this person in every possible way. 

 

[Jess85]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Of course he did. You were smart not to go. The fact that he'd expect you to travel alone to him is a red flag in and of itself. What was the reaon he woudln't travel to you, or meet you somewhere in the middle? 

I am going to guess there are some significant cultural and religious differences between you two. 

Most of us do, but there is a point in which we can't let some sweetness cloud or better judgment when the person behaves abusively. Abuses rarely abuse constantly, though it sounds like he was a jackass most of the time with you. He was taking this to an extreme and you hadn't even met. Imagine how awful he would have been in person. 

I would block this person in every possible way. 

 

Yes he was. I can't live my life walking on eggshells either. I guess in some way he got me attached too. He is now blocked and won't be hearing from me again

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Jess85 said:

He is now blocked and won't be hearing from me again

Excellent. 

It will be a relief to have this clown out of your life. 

[Jess85]

Just now, Jess85 said:

Yes he was. I can't live my life walking on eggshells either. I guess in some way he got me attached too. He is now blocked and won't be hearing from me again

Sorry I replied too soon. He claimed it was easier for me to travel to him with him being in Egypt it was harder for him. I have no idea. Cultural most definitely. He is muslim yes but not really strict muslim. He doesn't pray or attend mosque, so I'd say the cultural differences were stronger. I so also find it odd a man of his age doesn't go out and doesn't have many friends, I'd say 90% of his time is spent at home with his mum

[Jess85]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is good to read. Well Done. He does not deserve you.

Thankyou. I will not repeat this mistake again 

[Jess85]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Excellent. 

It will be a relief to have this clown out of your life. 

Already feeling the weight lifted. Thankyou