fonine Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 (edited) Haven't had sex in 3.5 years. Tried and realized I cannot get back into it at all. Is this common for such long lapses of time? Edited November 14 by fonine Link to post Share on other sites
Author fonine Posted November 14 Author Share Posted November 14 Been married for a decade and sex has been limited. When we tried recently it was so incredibly off-putting that I couldn't even show my boobs to my husband. I felt sick and don't understand anymore how any of it can be pleasurable. I have wanted to try having sex with another man just to see if it's a me issue or our dynamic. But my husband doesn't allow an open marriage and I'm on the rocks about cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 Have you talked with your doctor? Any life changes recently? Stress? On any medications? Do you feel like you have any emotional bond to your husband at all? Do you respect him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fonine Posted November 14 Author Share Posted November 14 32 minutes ago, glows said: Have you talked with your doctor? Any life changes recently? Stress? On any medications? Do you feel like you have any emotional bond to your husband at all? Do you respect him? We have an emotional bond but not a sexual bond. That's why I asked for an open marriage but he doesn't want it. I want to understand if it's my problem or our problem, not sure which it is. After such a long time it feels very strange to start over again sexually. Feels like molestation. He never sees me naked anymore and I feel gross showing my boobs to him much less for him to touch them. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 3 minutes ago, fonine said: We have an emotional bond but not a sexual bond. That's why I asked for an open marriage but he doesn't want it. I want to understand if it's my problem or our problem, not sure which it is. After such a long time it feels very strange to start over again sexually. Feels like molestation. He never sees me naked anymore and I feel gross showing my boobs to him much less for him to touch them. I wouldn’t be able to have a romantic relationship with a person that evokes such feelings in me. I don’t think this problem can ever be solved if you’ve never had a sexual bond with your husband to begin with. It sounds like you see your husband as a platonic friend, not as a lover and a romantic partner. If that is the case, I don’t think anything short of divorce and a new relationship with someone you’re actually attracted to will work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author fonine Posted November 14 Author Share Posted November 14 17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: I wouldn’t be able to have a romantic relationship with a person that evokes such feelings in me. I don’t think this problem can ever be solved if you’ve never had a sexual bond with your husband to begin with. It sounds like you see your husband as a platonic friend, not as a lover and a romantic partner. If that is the case, I don’t think anything short of divorce and a new relationship with someone you’re actually attracted to will work. And what about the sexual relationships that fail all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 What happened 3.5 years ago that you two stopped having sex? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 If it's so bad that you literally feel revulsion at the thought of doing anything sexual with your husband, and this has been the case for years... well, it doesn't sound like there's much left to salvage, honestly. But if you really want to, then you need professional help. Both individual therapy and MC would be helpful, to try and untangle the reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 (edited) 14 hours ago, fonine said: But my husband doesn't allow an open marriage and I'm on the rocks about cheating. I would suggest counselling, not cheating. This is definitely a you problem, and possibly an “us” problem. Having sex with another man isn’t going to solve the problem in your marriage. That seems like a very odd “solution” to me. How does your husband feel about the fact that he’s in a sexless marriage? Is he upset about this, or has he accepted it? Edited November 14 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 14 hours ago, fonine said: And what about the sexual relationships that fail all the time? What about them? I don't know where you're going with this question Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 14 Share Posted November 14 Seriously, not having sex for 3.5 years is like not riding a bike for 3.5 years. You don't "forget" what to do. I don't consider 3.5 years without sex as very long at all. OP, sounds like you got some serious rejection of your body going on. Are you sure that's not the problem? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 20 hours ago, fonine said: And what about the sexual relationships that fail all the time? Do you mean relationships that are based only on a strong sexual attraction? Well, obviously, those will eventually fail as well. But sexual attraction is the basis of any romantic relationship. Without it, how can romance even begin? Sexual chemistry is like a foundation of a building. You can build something on it, but if there are no construction materials, there will be no house. But lack of sexual chemistry means there is no foundation at all. Nothing can be built, the house will collapse on itself. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 Sexual/physical attraction is a component of a "romantic" relationship. The healthiest romantic relationship is one that has both - emotional intimacy and physical/sexual attraction. If you're repulsed by any touches by your husband, it's either going to stay that way, or you solve it by going to marriage counseling or even a sex therapist. See if there are any medical issues that may affect these feelings. Whatever it is, DO something to see whether it can or cannot be solved. If it can be fixed, great. If you cannot, then you have two real options: You continue to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life (since open marriage is not an option) or you make peace by separating. I will say this -- cheating will cause more issues that will lead to more guilt/shame/trauma, with likely the same outcome (divorce, only with more pain). You have the option now to bite the bullet and start afresh. Otherwise, when you eventually meet someone months or years down the line whom you are attracted to (especially with you being in a dead room), you're going to be in trouble. You're going round and round now to avoid the problem ---- which is how to address the "ick" for your partner (based on your description that it feels like molestation). Most people - when they have the "ick" - can't come back from it, but whether you can or cannot, still depends on you. 3.5 years is both a long time (when you're in a relationship) and it's really not that long depending on your vantage points. But let me ask you this: is # of years the true barometer? How long do you think is too long to go without it between husband and wife, provided there are no medical issues. 5 years? 10 years? Rest of your life? What's your own gauge for this and do you really think that attention elsewhere will solve this problem? (To be fair, your husband faces the same dilemma - would he want to stay in a sexless marriage?) 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 Why are you with him if this is the way your marriage is? have you done any counseling about the way you feel about your body? what is good about your marriage - and how long have you been married? was there a time when the sex was good? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted November 15 Share Posted November 15 On 11/13/2024 at 10:17 PM, fonine said: We have an emotional bond but not a sexual bond. That's why I asked for an open marriage but he doesn't want it. I want to understand if it's my problem or our problem, not sure which it is. After such a long time it feels very strange to start over again sexually. Feels like molestation. He never sees me naked anymore and I feel gross showing my boobs to him much less for him to touch them. If you have an emotional bond I’m not sure why this feels like a violation /molestation as you say. That’s contradictory to me. Is it possible you’re in denial or don’t have any bond? Above another member asked if you have addressed or gone to counselling about your body. 3.5 years suggests this might not be the entire time you’ve known one another. It also suggests perhaps things were good at the start. Clarify? If so what happened? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 17 Share Posted November 17 If you don't have a sexual bond, just an emotional connection, then you will find it very difficult to have sex with your husband again. Not sure why you are trying to have sex again? It would be like me having sex with my (ex)wife after 5 years. Very awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
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