A sad, recent break-up

[please123]

My girlfriend and I (24F, 21M) recently broke up a week ago. It has was a complete shock to me and it has been a horrible week. I think some context is needed and as I want the best advice possible, I want to give the most info possible, so get ready for a tale.

We first met in Jan 2023 (so were almost together for 2 years). We were both at university, she was about 5 months away from finishing her degree and I still had 4 and a half years left in my degree (it's a long degree lol). So when we first starting seeing each other, though we enjoyed each other's company, neither of us expected things to ever become serious. But like I say we liked each other enough to go on more dates, and then some more. Eventually I realised even though she was leaving my city in a few months, I'd like to spend those months with her properly before she leaves. So we talked about it of course. Not only was she graduating, but she was then going travelling for 6 months before moving to another city and starting her career. Again, I was still at uni for years. But we decided to still become official for a few months before she graduated and we were happy. We saw each other during our exams and spent time together making memories. Eventually, I had some holiday plans with friends cancelled, so suggested to her that we go on a holiday together over Summer to Italy and she agreed as she was going travelling anyway and we began planning. Meanwhile, we kept dating and grew our relationship, knowing it would end. We went on early Summer walks and introduced each other to our friends. My friends really liked her and hers really liked me. After our exams finished in early June, our university holds lots of really big balls before everyone leaves for the year or graduates. We went to a few together and it was incredible. The biggest of the balls, lasted until 5am and as we partied and celebrated the night away with our friends and as the sun rose my girlfriend and I were in the crowd listening to the morning choir before the end of the ball. I whispered in her ear "I think I love you" and she turned around smiling saying "you think?", then we confessed our love to each other in one of the last times we expected to spend together at university.

The next week she graduated, but we still had our holiday to Italy coming up for August and we planned to break up when we finished that holiday. So meanwhile, in July, we stayed at each other's houses and introduced each other to our families. Her family liked me, but my family loved her (and this was always one of my biggest concerns that my mum in particular would not often like my girlfriends) to the extent that when she left my house after she stayed for 4 days, my family said that they would be happy for me to marry her (they only met her 4 days earlier). I didn't have the heart to tell them that we expected to break up in August.

We spent 2 and a half weeks in Italy - my first time there and it's now my favourite country in the world. That period, only 2 and a half weeks were the favourite 2 and a half weeks of my life. We went to Milan, Venice, Florence, Rome, Naples and Puglia. I made sure to document everyday and honestly I would have not changed a thing. We were deeply in love and completely enjoyed each other's company. We did not discuss the break up at the end of the trip that was coming, but enjoyed every day. Then came the final night before we were due to fly home and break up. On the last night we had dinner together and I remember saving my name on her phone as "my love." She then completely broke down into tears. I did too shortly after. We cried all night on our last night together and went to sleep crying. The next day (15th August 2023) we got the flight home and during the flight we did things for each other without telling the other. We had agreed to meet up in December, not to get back together, but just to check up on each other. So I wrote on random days in her calendar on her phone until that point telling her she was beautiful and that I loved her and how I hoped she was looking after herself and a bunch of different messages. Meanwhile on the same flight a few aisles away, she was writing me a letter about how much she'd miss me and how she was grateful for the experience and memories we had together.

We landed back in the UK and had to part as we got taxis in different directions. We both cried the whole way home. I did not tell any of my friends or family who liked her so much for a month which probably did not help. But her and I talked every day from the day we broke up as we missed each other so much. After around a month of being apart, I decided I would write her a letter too. In it, I said we should get back together and do long distance because I loved every aspect of her and I wanted more time together, not less. She read it and was very upset and emotional, being on the other side of the world in South America at the time. It took her another 2 weeks to decide on what she thought. Eventually she decided she thought it was too difficult and as much as it hurt, she did not want to hurt more. I was heartbroken and was rather silly and tried to throw myself into dating again to replace the void she left. However, about 2 weeks later, she messaged me again saying she thinks she made the wrong decision from the moment she made it and she wanted to try to work things out and see how they went. She was still travelling at the time, but wasn't enjoying it as much as she'd hoped. But we relied on the love we had between us to build the trust back up gradually and 2 weeks later she decided to finish her travelling and fly back to surprise me and her family - 15th November 2023. We were both worried if things would be the same when we saw each other again in person, but thank god they were and we quickly realised we were still in love. We went skiing together and during this trip, I broke my colour bone and needed to come home to see a doctor. She, without question gave up the rest of the trip to carry my bags through the airport and plane and come home with me. That was the kindest thing someone had ever done for me.

Soon Christmas came around and her family invited me on a holiday with them between Christmas and New Years. We went and had the best time, you see we had similar interests and a lot of mutual friends (not enough to suffocate each other however as we both had our own lives), but we loved spending time together. She really brought out the compassion and love in me that I did not know I had. I spent months thinking on gifts for her and in the end I got her a silver locket with a picture of us together from the ball where we confessed our love to each other. Needless to say she loved it.

After the New Year, we kept going from strength to strength and absolutely loved spending time together. I began to depend on her a lot at this time. Soon her birthday came up and I got her another thoughtful gift - a perfume from a perfume shop that we went to in Florence that she loved so much and again she loved the gift. In March, she started her job and we went long-distance more fully, only seeing each other about every other weekend, but we made the most of the times we saw each other. We kept falling in love more and more and she got me wonderful gifts for my birthday too. Soon came June and the balls at our university came again, we went back to the same ball we confessed our love at and had the best time together again.

In Summer 2024, we went to each others houses a lot and had a good time together, still being in love. Then we went on holiday for a week to Turkey. This was a nice holiday, not perhaps as enjoyable as Italy, but the stakes weren't as high and the holiday wasn't as long. For some reason, we did bicker a bit on this trip and we never did before and never did since. A few months later during the break up she said that this happened as she felt like I was the perfect boyfriend but for some reason didn't love me the way she was meant to, so tried to find holes to pick. Regardless, we still had an overall nice holiday and ended on a good note.

After Summer, in October 2024, I headed back to uni and we continued long distance. At this point, our relationship got perhaps less romantic, we still enjoyed spending time together and I thought it was the point in a relationship where everyday life sets in and you love each other as best friends and the relationship gets deeper. Sadly, I was wrong.

Come November, she had for a month been debating whether I was the one for her. I think for what I'm about to say next, I should describe us slightly. I didn't know what I was looking for in a partner before I met her and though the breakup is fresh, she does have all the attributes I looked for in a partner now - honesty, kindness, has some similar interests, enjoys similar things as me but she was also inspiring and incredible in every sense of the word. I was certain she was the one for me.

Then came the weekend of the 9/11/2024. I had planned our weekend together and I was excited as I hadn't seen her for 2 weeks since she was ill and spent every night in my room that time as I looked after her (and I loved doing so). But on that night, some weird things were happening. She was already in my university city seeing friends and didn't mention it to me, which I thought was weird as normally I'd meet her at the train station wherever she was going and carry her bags for her. Then when I was about to cook her dinner, she didn't want me to saying we would discuss what to have for dinner when she got there. I thought this was a bit weird, but I could be being paranoid - I wasn't.

She came to my house and I carried her and her bags up the stairs to my room and tickled her to make her smile like we always did. But when she got into my room, she asked me to sit on the bed. She told me that I was the perfect boyfriend to her in every way and that there was never anything I could have done for her more, but she wanted to end things. We sat in my bedroom for 3 hours and she was strong at first as I cried, but soon the idea that she would not see me again made her cry too. She said she still loved me but as a friend, not in a romantic way anymore. She said that she did not think I was "the one" and that she thought I now loved her more than she loved me and that wasn't fair on either of us. I was understandably destroyed by this. It didn't help that I wrote her a letter that week before and gave it to her. It was spontaneous and it had a list of my favourite memories with her and ended with how I was so excited to make new memories with her. I gave her this letter during the break up.

I have a folder on my computer with old messages from her and old pictures and videos from us spending time together and we went through this together as we cried on my bed. I was in shock and did not know what to say in response to her. I was heartbroken but could not force her to stay with me. She offered to stay the night if I wanted her there one last time, but I did not think that was a good idea. So, I said I'd walk her back to her friends in the same university city. The walk was about 40 minutes and it was hard. We talked the whole time, past all the places where we had made such good memories and pointed them all out together with all the places we went on dates and all the love we had shared. Eventually we got to her friends and then we spent 20 minutes saying goodbye, saying we loved each other and were going to miss each other as best friends terribly. I begged her to come back to me and made sure these were the last words I told her. She took a picture of me when I was walking away to keep as a memory and in that moment I prayed that she was having doubts about her decision.

The next morning, I woke up and wished it was all a bad dream, but obviously it was not. I messaged her mum and then her friends thanking them for being so welcoming and wishing them the best lives now. They responded saying they're so sorry for it all happening and that they were grateful for how well I always treated my girlfriend and how I could not have done anything better. I then sent her a message - a long one saying that I loved her so much and how she underestimated how much she loved me and how I thought she was wrong and we were still potentially the ones for each other. I put in a message saying only respond if you want to work things out, but it was such a big message that I expected her to respond anyway as I knew she still cared for me so much. After 4 days of no contact, we messaged again as she was ready to respond. I sent her another big message before she did with all my thoughts now that I had more time to recover. This time I talked more about our memories together and how I'd never stop wanting her and I'd love her for the rest of my life (something she'd admitted even during the break-up that she'd also do. I talked of how I thought her reasons were silly as we were so happy together (this wasn't me assuming, she also confirmed that we were) and how I didn't want other boys to end up with her and I didn't want to look for her in anyone else. I asked if she had any doubt in her decision and whether she'd come back as I knew she was struggling too (she'd gone home to her family for the week taking time off work).

We called the next day - 15th August 2024 a full year on from when we first got back together after we first broke up. We talked for a few more hours and she said some more things and I made sure I said everything I wanted. She told me she was sure of her decision and that she loved me as a friend, but to some extent fell out of romantic love with me since September. I told her how I'd be there in an emergency if she or anyone she loved was in trouble. I told her I still wanted to give her her expensive Christmas gift - VIP tickets to see her favourite artist in concert.

I'd been begging her to stay with me a lot this week. And during this final week, I'd cried a lot, all the time every day. I cried on this phone call and she was not. She had already mourned me before the break up and cried earlier, when she knew she was certain of her decision. I wanted to leave with my respect whilst crying. I knew she wasn't coming back this time. So I said to her that we must go no contact for a very long time as I heal. She said we could go for meals one day or coffee not to get back together but to talk and check on each other. I said we were not to message unless she was in an emergency, or she wanted to try and work on things with me to get back together (but I did say I may not accept her back after it hurt so much) or unless one day long in the future I was fully healed and only if I wanted to, I could message again. And then we told each other we loved each other and went to put the phone down. We both waited for the other to put the phone down, then after we realised we were both doing it, we agreed to put it down on the count of 3 and we did it (though I noticed she put it down a fraction of a second before I pressed the screen so I know I didn't put it down on her).

We will still interact in the coming months, not often but it will happen. She has a book of mine from a library I rented. She intends to send this as a delivery, but if she forgets, I will have to remind her. I also want to give her her xmas present still (I told her what it was during the break up and she again thought it was so thoughtful). My best friend thinks I should give it in person and I actually have until late Feb to give it to her as the concert is in March, which gives me more time to recover if I do want to give them in person. The last of her friendship group graduate from my university come June, and so I know she will be here several times then. I could meet up with her then if we want a chat and I feel healed enough to talk, not to beg her to come back, but to talk. That is not a guarantee as it is still  many months in the future and everything is so fresh. I also told her in the last call that in many years time if I am healed there is a chance I would want to be friends, but I must make sure this is not because I have some hope to cling onto her and for things to work out, and that I didn't want to be friends as an attempt to cling on to her. I also said that maybe one day we could go on a date again in years if we both wanted to one day, but again I must ensure that I do not cling onto this.

Do not think this was a toxic relationship, she broke up with me because she thought I deserved someone who put me on a pedestal the same way I put her on one. Though it hurt, she wanted me to be loved too. I hate all the ideas of right person, wrong time and the "one" and all these ideas. I am logical and believed that if people are in love, then they make it work. But now I feel doubtful. Even though, she did not think I was her one, I know and her friends and family do to, that I made her so happy, and she me. We got on so well and genuinely never argued. We had our differences sure, but not enough to fall out and before you say I'm looking at it through rose-tinted glasses after this recent break-up, I am being very sincere when I say that everything that I said is true, without rose-tinted glasses. 

I believe that she is the one for me. I am young, still 21, but I love her passionately and deeply. I understand that I need time to heal and find myself without her again and to find happiness without her in my life, a long long time before I'm able to reconsider dating, not just re-approaching her. I will work on myself and though I will struggle not to message her, I believe I am strong enough to avoid that. We may meet up a handful of times in the next few years as I mentioned, but that is not guaranteed. 

In 3 years time, I will move to the same city as she is in now. I will not move for her, I always wanted to move to London where all my friends were moving to and where everybody seemed to spend their 20s before settling down. Then in 3 years, I will be 24 and her 27. I expect to have moved on in those 3 years and have found myself and healed. I even expect that I will likely date other people, though it is horrible to think of now as I love her, I think it is realistic. She will even date others I expect and that hurts to feel.

But I loved her deeply, I do not think I will find someone like her. She was not flawless and had her problems, but I accepted them and supported her for them. She made my vision of the perfect woman into her. And I do not expect to find someone like her, nor do I think it is fair to others for me to mess them around once I realise that I will not feel the same way. I know that I will heal and I will be better than I am right now, but I do not know (and nobody does) that I will ever be better than I was with her. The period of life spent with her was the best period of my life and whilst she may get overdue credit as it was a period of discovery for me for many things which made everything more exciting than it perhaps would've been otherwise, without doubt she made those years better. 

I do not believe that she will find the one either, that is not to sound selfish, though I very much wish I end up with her. I just believe that she will not find the "one" that she is looking for despite me wishing for her and the love that I bear her that she does. This is not to sound cocky, but she admitted that I was the perfect boyfriend and I could not have done more for her, as did her friends and family admit that too. She told me during the break up how handsome I was still. So I guess my point is that even if another boy comes along and she loves him as she loved me and he is again the perfect boyfriend for her, surely he will at the very maximum only get as far as me? Maybe there is someone more perfect for her than me and she gets lucky, but I am not sure. I was her longest relationship (out of several), lasting almost two years. Most of her relationships lasted little over a year as I believe the mundanity of life sets in and she maybe misses the spark and the excitement that exists at the start of the relationship when that happens. So I guess I'm not sure that her idea of the one will be achieved for her, maybe that is more me hoping she realises it's me, but you have to admit I could be right.

Anyway, if in 3 years, we are in the same city again and I'm expecting to have healed and dated others in the meantime then, but never recapture the happiness that I had with her, then I would like to reach out again and try again. There are a lot of ifs and buts to that, it is easy to say now for sure, but at that time I may be with someone else, and she may be or I may not want to hurt again from her or I may not care enough to try again at all. But if I do, then I will ask again. And maybe by then, she will realise that we did have a good love where we made each other happy every day we were together (again I'm not imagining that from her side of things). She may not, but she may. This is all very fresh and you may say time heals and I'm sure it will and I will feel better. But what if, I am right and I never find someone I loved as much as her in those 3 years or maybe more

I need to respect myself and if there is any chance we end up together, I need to heal and the no contact will make her respect me to again or at the very least stop me losing more in her eyes by begging. So I know we will not speak for ages, maybe with the Christmas present but other than that I will try and stop myself, hard as it may be.

I am also well aware that I am still young and that I will probably love again and hurt again, especially as this is my first true love and the innocence and purity of it all makes it more special in my eyes. But if by some small chance I am right and never find someone that delivers the same happiness that I had with her, then maybe she is the person I was meant to end up with (I hate that phase lol).

Anyway that's really the end of my rant. It's a long tale, but what do you think I do? Do you think my ideas are a good idea if I feel this strongly still in 3 years? Yes time heals the pain, but the love you bear doesn't always fade and the happy memories you hold don't disappear. 

Perhaps to you I sound obsessive, but we made each other happy, and that is why I was so taken aback when she ended it with me. If it's meant to be it's meant to be right?

For now I will rediscover happiness without her, but I'd appreciate any advice or recommendations anyone has? It is fresh, but I fundamentally believe she is the one for me!

[NuevoYorko]

You'll get more responses if you give a "tldr" version at the end.  

[basil67]

I think that you're a romantic and have a lot of love to give the right woman.  You will have more loves yet - and a few heartbreaks - and end up finding someone who loves you just as much as you love them.   Just take your time to let yourself heal, then slowly get yourself back out there.

And for what it's worth, a person who doesn't see you as the right match isn't the person you were meant to be with.   And a lot of what she said to you was just about her softening the blow.  It was essentially a long winded version of "it's not you, it's me".   

[Gebidozo]

I know how you feel.

I had a very tough breakup when I was exactly your age (21). I was sure I’d never find a woman as perfect as the one who broke up with me back then. It took me a very long time to get over her.

But I got over her. And you will get over this girl, too. She is not “the one” for you. If she were, she wouldn’t have broken up with you. She wouldn’t have lost her romantic feelings for you. It was a great romantic experience for you, but just one of the many to come.

I think that waiting for her, having hopes for a reunion, making long-term plans about her, and even communicating with her at this point aren’t very good ideas at all. You can’t put on a person on a pedestal, it’s an unhealthy delusion. You can’t fixate on a person after they’ve broken up with you.

Don’t contact this girl again. Don’t rush into a new relationship, be alone for a while. Take your time to heal.

 

[giotto]

11 hours ago, please123 said:

For now I will rediscover happiness without her, but I'd appreciate any advice or recommendations anyone has? It is fresh, but I fundamentally believe she is the one for me!

You might think she is the one for you, but she doesn't. I would try and do my best to forget her. I have been there. It's heart-breaking and very difficult to get over, but, with time, you will. Yes, rediscover happiness without her, but be careful not to date too soon to forget her because all relationships you will form will be rebound ones and you don't want to hurt other people with your selfishness.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you're hurting so much, OP. 

Break-ups like this are awful. But this was inevitable. She is not The One for you, and you are not The One for her. Why do I say that? Well, you would still be together  but also, this would never have been part of the plan: 

20 hours ago, please123 said:

we planned to break up when we finished that holiday

This is not what a healthy relationship with a chance of hell in lasting looks like. Strong couples who are actualy committed don't schedule a break-up. My guess is that this was probably mostly her idea, but regardless, this is never a factor in relationships in which both parties truly want to be together. 

My read on all of this is that she enjoyed her time with you, and doesn't want you to hurt, but she knows you two aren't each other's forever-person. And I think she has always known it, but wanted to see if things might change for her. She doesn't see this relationship the same way you do any longer, which hurts a lot, but she was right to end this and not drag it out. 

Focus on healing now. Don't try to plan or think ahead months of years down the road. Concentrate instead on accepting what has happened, and moving forward.