Cupcake Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 A close friend of mine recently confided in me that she was molested as a child by her father. It started when she was 7 years old and lasted until she was 16. She described him performing oral sex on her when she was younger. It was a routine they called, "Bedtime." She liked it and thought it was normal. But her father explained to her that it was to be kept secret. She actually thought all little girls did this with their fathers. She lost her virginity to her father when she was 13. By that time, she had been taught in school that molestation was wrong. She was in denial that her father was molesting her. Sometimes, she even initiated the sex with him. The molestation ended when she was 16 after her mother caught them having sex one morning when they thought no one else was at home. Her mother and father got divorced and she had to live in a foster home until she was 18. Her mother still hates her today. And her father is in the streets somewhere strung out on drugs and alcohol. He has been in prision. My friend says she still loves, and will always love her father despite the molestation. She still believes that he didn't mean to hurt her and he loved her more than anyone else in the world. How can she feel this way ??? Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 How can she feel this way ??? Your friend may well be perfectly right in saying that her father loved her more than anyone else in the world ever has, and that he didn't mean to hurt her. Who are we to say? That doesn't mean that what he did was okay, that it wasn't abuse or that your friend wasn't harmed by the experience. Does the fact that she still loves him mean that she liked being molested? I don't think the two necessarily equate. She might never have a really accurate recollection of whether she enjoyed what happened with her father or not. As children, we're often "told" what we like and don't like...and we just sort of accept that as being the way it is. It sounds as if your friend had a very rough time of it, and the complete rejection by her mother in amongst all of this must have been incredibly painful. Viewed in the context of that rejection, the relationship she had with her father (however skewed) might have seemed like a far more warm and human thing. Society can tell us what's right and what's wrong...but it can't tell us how to feel, who we can love and who we can't love. What your friend's father did was obviously abusive, as was her mother's reaction on finding out what was going on. Continuing to love a parent who has abused you shouldn't necessarily be viewed as a sign of weakness or strangeness, though. The important thing is to teach those people how to protect themselves from potentially negative consequences of loving and trusting unconditionally. I'm sure your friend's feelings about these events must be very confused. My main worry about her would be that the absence of a healthy relationship with a responsible parent when she was a child may impact on the relationships she has as an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicholas Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Her father probably did love her, and the chaotic nature of the afterevents sort of reinforced him as the positive influence in her life. That doesn't make what he did okay. He abused that love, and took advantage of his position as her father. You can and should love your daughter without having sex with her. She needs a lot of counseling, or she may never have a healthy adult relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 How can she feel this way ??? Because she was manipulated, brainwashed and taught from a very early age that what her father did to her was OK. He is a sick person and it's just awful that her mother has shut her out now. But I'm positive that her mom probably blames herself for not seeing what was going on and now can't live with the guilt. I do hope your friend is seeking therapy to undo all the damage done to her. What she went through sadly, has screwed her up for life and even more sadly if she has children she could repeat what she learned as a child. She needs help, so please, as her friend try to get her some. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cupcake Posted January 8, 2006 Author Share Posted January 8, 2006 My friend said she never had a good relationship with her mother because her mother was always suspicious of what was going on but never had any proof. Her mother was angry at the father since he clearly abused my friend. But the mother was most angry at my friend because when she caught them, she heard my friend moaning and saying sexual things from pleasure. The mother realized that my friend enjoyed it. And at 16, she was a fully developed teenager. I guess the mother no longer saw her as a daughter. I don't know...when I heard my friend describe how much she enjoyed sex with her father, it made be cringe. If I were the mother, I would have been jealous too. I would have been angry. From the mother's view, it would have been easier to understand if the father had forced himself on her and she had been crying out for help. Maybe if my friend hadn't liked being molested, things would have been different. And I wonder about my friend and how she plans to raise her own children. Will she molest them? Will she allow someone else to do the same? She doesn't have any children right now. But I don't know what to think of her now that she has told me this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 If she gets therapy, alot of it she can change and learn how to be a parent, the right way. Not all that are abused that way end up doing the same to their kids, but there's always a chance. That is why intervention of some kind is SO important! She needs to heal, to understand what happened, to undo the hold her father had/has on her. I don't think it was her 'liking' it, as I mentioned in the other reply, she was brainwashed by her father! She is messed up because of it. He has done SO MUCH damage to her. It's so sad that her mom doesn't see it that way. I mean, her mom had every right to be upset and disguisted, but she also should have known that most that are abused do not cry out for help, especially if the father had that much power over her. Also, none of this is your friend's fault. NONE of it. She didn't ask for it at an early age, she probably had no choice but to accept it. I'm betting my life on this, but he threatened her when she was younger and she learned how to accept it and learned to like it. Just shows her mind isn't thinking clearly and again, therapy will help her. Be a friend to her, but don't become her therpist. You aren't equipped to handle her problems...Don't think differently of her, she is still the same girl you knew before she told you...Just now you some very intense private things about her. If she is a good person to you and you fun together, there is no reason to stop that. She needs a grounded normal friend, someone who makes her feel safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Roo-bie2 Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 I agree with who ever said don't become her theropist.......... She can still love a person that abused her. You don't automicaly have to hate them. Also molestation isn't always painful...Many times they do things to make it pleasurable. Many people that have been molested have issues because they actually received pleasures from the acts. They also can have guilt and confussion about these pleasures. I would discuss these issues with a counciler. Link to post Share on other sites
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