A prostitute text my boyfriend.

[Chels13]

Hi, 

Not really sure where to turn to. So was looking for some advice from out siders or people with experience in my situation. 
4 years ago I actually wrote my first post on this site. I unfortunately can’t get back in to that account now so just to recap…A message came through to my boyfriend’s phone. It was some what a long the lines of “available tomorrow (postcode.” I only see it as our daughter was watching something on his phone and she swiped it up. I found it strange and typed the number in google and it brought me to the adult works website. There I could find all her details. (Also the weekend before this he was away for work so this would have been when he met her) I then left our home with his phone and pretended to be him and replied a few times sparking conversation. I cropped a picture of him which made it look like a selfie & sent it to her and she confirmed she remembered him but under a different name. It’s then that I revealed to her she was actually talking to me. She agreed to talk to me. She told me he turned up at her hotel room but never went ahead with it. He apperently said he had a girlfriend and said he felt very uncomfortable and paid her and left. Nothing happened. He was adamant she was lying and had the wrong person. He never admitted it. I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd child at the time. Please try to not judge but I didn’t leave. In fact we have gone on to have a third baby and get married. But something happened recently, nothing terrible, he told a silly white lie to be honest. But there was a look in his face that hit me like a tonne of bricks, it was very familiar to when all this happened with the prostitute. Something in me thought to take it further so the following day he went away for another work commitment. When he got home I told him I have solid proof he went to the prostitutes room. That I had spoken to her again. That evening he told me he did. Everything I had thought was true. But now I’m thinking maybe the prostitute was lying, covering her back and that they did in deed have sex. Although this happened 4 years ago hearing him say the words makes me feel just like I did when it all came to light the very first time! My gut has always thought I was right there was far too many things that pointed to him being guilty. But I felt so vulnerable at the time. I feel like our marriage is tarnished now, going in to it with such a big lie. I keep questioning myself now, if he walked away and didn’t go through with it why would she message him a postcode saying she’s available for tomorrow the following week? Is that was prostitutes do? Do they save numbers? Or just text everyone they’ve seen? why pay her if he didn’t have sex with her? Or is that something they have to do for time wasting? Is he relieved that the prostitute said he walked away so he is covered and doesn’t have to tell the full truth!? I just can not get my head round any of this right now! The thing is how will I ever know now, because he will stick to what she has said even if she is lying. One minute I’m strong the next I feel like my world of crashing because I stayed! 
 

all advice welcome! 
 

[glows]

It sounds terrible and I’m sorry you’ve been through this. Can you confirm again when exactly was the most recent text from her received?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Chels13 said:

But now I’m thinking maybe the prostitute was lying, covering her back and that they did in deed have sex.

More than likely. 

They generally know to lie to wives or girlfriends. They don't want an angry partner trying to track them down (or an angry client looking for revenge for tattling on him) and heck, they might even get a return visit from the grateful man whose skin she just saved. I wouldn't buy his version of events. It doesn't add up. 

1 hour ago, Chels13 said:

But something happened recently, nothing terrible, he told a silly white lie to be honest. But there was a look in his face that hit me like a tonne of bricks, it was very familiar to when all this happened with the prostitute.

What was this white lie? 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Chels13 said:

why pay her if he didn’t have sex with her?

When a guy sees a sex worker, they are paying for her time.   What happens during that time is variable.  Yes, sex is big on the list.   But sometimes the guys just want to talk, sometimes they want a cuddle, sometimes they plan to have sex and change their mind or can't get it up.

 

[Chels13]

4 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds terrible and I’m sorry you’ve been through this. Can you confirm again when exactly was the most recent text from her received?

Thank you! 
So there was only the one message I found, that was on 2020 where she text saying “available tomorrow (postcode)” 

But he has now admitted that he text her to book her, I never see those messages as they got deleted! Wish there was a way to see them to be honest! 

[Chels13]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

More than likely. 

They generally know to lie to wives or girlfriends. They don't want an angry partner trying to track them down (or an angry client looking for revenge for tattling on him) and heck, they might even get a return visit from the grateful man whose skin she just saved. I wouldn't buy his version of events. It doesn't add up. 

What was this white lie? 

So the white lie was actually to do with his mother

[Chels13]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

When a guy sees a sex worker, they are paying for her time.   What happens during that time is variable.  Yes, sex is big on the list.   But sometimes the guys just want to talk, sometimes they want a cuddle, sometimes they plan to have sex and change their mind or can't get it up.

 

I did think this. I’m guessing even when you don’t go through with it you still need to pay as they are running a business and you’re wasting their time. The text saying she was available tomorrow and leaving her postcode just makes me feel really uneasy, if he didn’t go through with it, why would she text him

[Leihla_B]

12 minutes ago, Chels13 said:

The text saying she was available tomorrow and leaving her postcode just makes me feel really uneasy, if he didn’t go through with it, why would she text him

Those are bot messages to their client list trying to fill open sessions. 

[Chels13]

16 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Those are bot messages to their client list trying to fill open sessions. 

Right I see, would they still text someone this even if the person never went through with it the weekend before? This is what I can’t get my head around

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Chels13 said:

Right I see, would they still text someone this even if the person never went through with it the weekend before? This is what I can’t get my head around

They don't care what he did there, he paid.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Chels13 said:

Right I see, would they still text someone this even if the person never went through with it the weekend before? This is what I can’t get my head around

There's no rule that you must have sex.  The only rule is that you pay for their time

[ExpatInItaly]

At the of the day, OP, we can't tell you why this person texted him again, whether he had sex with her, who actually texted him, why he paid, and so on. You're looking for ressurance when we can't really give you that, because we don't know any better than you do (what reallly happened, I mean) Yes, we can speculate, but you surely also realize we are hypothesizing jiust as much as you are. 

If you don't trust him, this is done. You have good reason not to trust him, to be clear, but you have to decide if you can trust his version of events because you will never know the 100% truth about this.  

[MsJayne]

I wouldn't believe either him or the sex worker. For me, just finding out that my partner had been engaging with sex workers would be enough to end it, but you have kids and history so only you know whether you can deal with his deceit in the name of keeping your family together.  It doesn't sound like you really got past the hurt when it first happened, so maybe a bit of counselling would help you to clarify your feelings about it. 

[Chels13]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

There's no rule that you must have sex.  The only rule is that you pay for their time

Last night asked for a polygraph test and he agreed - this morning he doesn’t want to! 🤔 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Chels13 said:

Last night asked for a polygraph test and he agreed - this morning he doesn’t want to! 🤔 

What is his reason for changing his mind? 

Look, if he'd been honest and knew his marriage was on the line, I imagine he would want to prove his innocence to you. I know some may say he shouldn't have to take a polygraph to get you to trust him, but personally, he gave you every reason not to trust him. 

He knows there is more that will come out. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Chels13 said:

Last night asked for a polygraph test and he agreed - this morning he doesn’t want to! 🤔 

There is a reason polygraph tests are not admissible in court, they are not trust worthy. 

Drag his butt to marriage counseling and don't let him off the hook. The only way you can move on is A) Forgive. Of course he had sex with her B) look into why he needed to see prostitutes C) Work on regaining trust. Without marriage counseling this is going nowhere. You will live a life of worry and you'll look 60 before reaching your 40th b'day. 

[smackie9]

Just assume they did indeed have sex and boot him to the curb. 

[Chels13]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Just assume they did indeed have sex and boot him to the curb. 

I feel so weak right now! 😩

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, Chels13 said:

I feel so weak right now! 😩

That's why a counsellor could help, so you've got some support while you decide how to deal with it. You either stay, smother your feelings and turn a blind eye, or you confront it and demand some respect. If he can afford to pay people for sex he can afford Child Support payments and all the other financial, social, and emotional costs associated with a marriage breakdown. 

[smackie9]

23 hours ago, Chels13 said:

I feel so weak right now! 😩

Find your strength in anger. You should be absolutely pissed off. Like how dare he!

[Chels13]

So I finally got the truth. and the way I found out I know was wrong but I basically tricked him into thinking he was talking to the prostitute. And in the messages he begged her not to “tell the truth” there was lots of messages back and forth. He was saying how he did leave and how they never had sex, so I said (pretending to be the prostitute) “but I gave you oral and you cum”  He said “please don’t tell her, I never told her that, I told her we never had sex but you went to do oral and I couldnt and left” still pretending to be the prostitute I said “it’s best coming from you” 

so he messaged my phone that night (he was away with work) he said “I’m so sorry she gave me head, I cum on myself, went to the bathroom to wipe it off and felt sick because I’d just done and left” 

now I have my truth I don’t know how to move forward. I love this man, I believe he wishes he never done and feels guilty but he has only ever been sexually active with me, he has never done anything with another woman apart from a kiss. 
 

I feel sick to my stomach and don’t know if I can ever get over this! 

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, Chels13 said:

I feel sick to my stomach and don’t know if I can ever get over this! 

I wouldn't even bother trying. 

He is dishonest to a deplorable degree. Someone who loves you would never behave this way. I am sorry, but I can't suggest anything else than ending the marriage. 

[BaileyB]

The day that my husband visits a sex worker is the day that I file for divorce.

I’m sorry, I know that you have children with this man so I know it’s not easy to contemplate the end of your marriage. I honestly don’t know how you trust again and come back from this…

[happyhorizons]

On 12/1/2024 at 2:43 AM, Chels13 said:

So I finally got the truth. and the way I found out I know was wrong but I basically tricked him into thinking he was talking to the prostitute. And in the messages he begged her not to “tell the truth” there was lots of messages back and forth. He was saying how he did leave and how they never had sex, so I said (pretending to be the prostitute) “but I gave you oral and you cum”  He said “please don’t tell her, I never told her that, I told her we never had sex but you went to do oral and I couldnt and left” still pretending to be the prostitute I said “it’s best coming from you” 

so he messaged my phone that night (he was away with work) he said “I’m so sorry she gave me head, I cum on myself, went to the bathroom to wipe it off and felt sick because I’d just done and left” 

now I have my truth I don’t know how to move forward. I love this man, I believe he wishes he never done and feels guilty but he has only ever been sexually active with me, he has never done anything with another woman apart from a kiss. 
 

I feel sick to my stomach and don’t know if I can ever get over this! 

You have every right to "feel sick to your stomach" and you certainly do not deserve any of this.  It is very sketchy behavior on his part to say the very least.