Cheated, should I tell her?

[DestructiveGuilt]

I know I'm gonna get hate here, i just need some advice, this is tearing me apart.

 

I met my girlfriend in February. She's an intern who goes to college a few states away. Initially when we started seeing each other, she didn't want anything serious, but around month 3, we decided to give dating a shot. It was tough, she had never had a relationship before, and she's from another country, so there were some cultural differences we have clashed on. To name a few, she was very secretive and had her notifications hidden all the time, and I have a past where I've been cheated on(rich coming from me right?), so this was really difficult, and took some communication. She also comes from a culture where if you plan to meet at 6pm let's say, you show up at like 7. So those were two struggles we had.  In month 4, she was leaving back to her home country for a month, and couldn't state for certain if she wanted to stay with me after getting back. Once she left the country, she asked me only to snap her so my notifications wouldn't pop up in messages, so her mom wouldn't see(frowned upon in her culture to date). I insecurely asked if there was any other reason she didn't want my messages showing up in notifications, which was so dumb of me. She got mad at me after that, and then only sent me one word replies once every 24 hours since that for a few weeks. During this time, I figured our relationship was over, and was in a really bad place. I ended up confiding in one of my friends while out for drinks, and we ended up making out twice that night. I fully believed our relationship was over, and was going to end it myself once she got back.

 

A week before she got back though, she started talking to me again, saying she forgives me and misses me. I was cold on my reception because I still thought I was going to break up, but then she got back, and it was like we immediately fell in love all over again. I ended up not telling her because I didn't think it was going to last. Now over the last 3 months, our relationship has grown substantially. We are stable, I am deeply in love with her, we have both put a ton of effort into the relationship, and we are at the healthiest we've ever been. However, in the back of my head, this has been eating me away. She recently mentioned moving in together, and doing long-distance after her internship ends while she finishes her last semester. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm deathly afraid of losing her and hurting her. I see a future with her, and I love her deeply. I have never regretted an action more than that night. It goes against everything I've ever preached, and I hate that I did it. I have written and rewritten a note confessing, but I just need to get this off my chest and hear from others on this.

 

Context on the girl I made out with, she has been a close friend of mine since middle school, we don't talk too often since I went to college (graduated now), but will occasionally send life updates. After the incident, we both regretted it and we still occassionally keep each other updated on our life every few months, but it is purely platonic.

[glows]

This happens more often than you may think. I think it’s common and not to be blown out of proportion. 

That aside, I don’t think it’s wise to continue communicating with that friend. She sees you as more than a friend and took advantage of the situation when you were vulnerable. That is not a friend imho and seriously insulting to your relationship. Doesn’t mean she’s a bad person overall. She’s just got no place any longer in the future of yours or your gf’s lives. If I had a guess she probably has a crush on you but from afar. I wouldn’t say anything to draw attention or make her feel bad but just stop replying to her and let it fade.

[DestructiveGuilt]

Thank you glows. I agree with you on that. I've been slowly trying to let it fade, but not going so far as to ghost her, mainly because I'm also scared of her using that against me. I have not actively reached out to her, only have responded to an occasional message like when she has done a home project, but I try to keep the response extremely brief.

 

Do you think I should share this information with my girlfriend?

[glows]

12 minutes ago, DestructiveGuilt said:

Thank you glows. I agree with you on that. I've been slowly trying to let it fade, but not going so far as to ghost her, mainly because I'm also scared of her using that against me. I have not actively reached out to her, only have responded to an occasional message like when she has done a home project, but I try to keep the response extremely brief.

 

Do you think I should share this information with my girlfriend?

Yes. If you think this so called friend can be nasty enough to air out laundry absolutely come clean to your gf. You don’t need this in a new relationship. Then just stop responding to her. That you are living in fear or retaliation from the so called friend speaks volumes.

I might add that your girlfriend acted poorly and was non communicative or extremely passive aggressive giving you one word answers at the time. Be very careful of the company you keep. She may not be the right choice for you long term. 

Yes sure sleep with the enemy or enjoy your time together. But be aware of the types of people you have in your life. I do hope the best for your relationship but the way she behaved was just appalling. 

[ShyViolet]

You need to wait a good long time before considering moving in together with this girl.  You only met in February, way less than a year ago, and in that time you had a really bad spell where she was acting like she didn't care about you and would barely talk to you.  That's crazy, what was her excuse for that?  I wonder if she was with someone else during that time.  This relationship is not on solid ground and just because it's been great the last 3 months doesn't mean you should get too carried away just yet.

As far as telling her about this indiscretion of yours, sure go ahead and tell her.  If she blows up and acts like she wants to end the relationship over it, let her.  It doesn't sound like this relationship is as great as you think.

[Leihla_B]

If I had a lover who wouldn't promise a return to ME after a month out of the country, I'd say, "Buh-bye...and I'm doing whatever the hell I want."

And if I accepted this person back, there's no way I'd feel any need to pull off some misplaced confession. My private business, while this person was off cold-shouldering me with no promise of being with me again, is off-limits.

If you want to turn this into a tragedy, you can do that, but you don't get any do-overs when you don't like the results. As they say, "There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube." If you want to fall on a sword to make your life hell for no good reason, go ahead. That sounds like attention-seeking to me.

[Gebidozo]

OP, I don’t think you’re seeing things straight now.

Your relationship with this girl isn’t great. It’s way too early to guess whether it will ever be great; at this point, it’s barely holding. You aren’t “deeply in love”, this is a crazy thing to believe at this point. You’ve had a very short, very rocky, unstable quasi-relationship for just a few months, then it basically crashed and burned for reasons that are rather hard to understand. You’re trying again; good, but please don’t be too enthusiastic.

As for your purported infidelity - well, I’ve always disagreed with Ross from the TV show “Friends” over his “we were on a break!!” excuse for cheating on his girlfriend literally on the same evening the break occurred. However, in your case, it was a whole month. She basically broke up with you. She made no promises to return to you. So you hooked up with someone else.

What exactly is immoral here? Did she really expect you to wait for her to change her mind? Why do you need to feel guilty over that? It was something that happened while you weren’t together with your girlfriend.

Should you share that with her? Sure, if you want to. But if she breaks up with you over that, you can say “good riddance”.

Edited Tuesday at 10:01 AM by Gebidozo

[Gaeta]

Hold your horses. 

You had 3 good months out of 9. Meaning 2/3 of this relationship was bad. Now she's back and willing to give you some attention but this needs to stand the test of time. No one in their right mind talk about moving in together after 3 months dating. You're in the honeymoon phase and this needs to pass before you start talking future together. There is a reason why it's best to date 2 years before making plans like this. None of those cultural differences have gone away by the way.

I vote for not telling her. I have no clue why you let her treat you this way for so long. 

Edited Tuesday at 02:00 PM by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Tell her? you crazy? hell no. Not worth it dude. It would be different if she was an angel and your relationship was solid at that time she was gone..then she would deserve to know...but since she acted like a sea hag, she deserves nothing from you about it. Now in future if the relationship implodes on itself, tell her then.

Edited 7 hours ago by smackie9

[MsJayne]

Stop even worrying about this. You thought it was over, you acted like you were single because you thought you were, I'm not seeing any crime here. And you don't have to tell her, because it's none of her business. Just carry on as if nothing happened. And maybe stop allowing her to dictate stuff because of her culture, because that'll wear thin pretty fast. She actually sounds like she's got Drama Queen going on.