are hotter women harder to get with?

[whenisfriday]

53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then you need to change your ignorant therapist!  There is A LOT of science researches backing that exercise/gym help OCD. Exercises releases feel-good chemicals called endorphins that decrease tension, lift your mood and reduce discomfort. It’s not a cure, but it can help ease OCD symptoms. Why would your therapist tell you to spit on that??

Hitting the gym has nothing to do with eating 3000 calories a day. I am NOT telling you to become Mr. Universe, I am telling you to hit the gym and build muscles, human muscles, not movie marvel muscles. 

also I'm not sure if you understand how ocd works. once you solve one issue your brain finds something else to obsess over. I mean that respectfilly(didn't mean to post this twice)

Edited November 20 by whenisfriday

[whenisfriday]

54 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then you need to change your ignorant therapist!  There is A LOT of science researches backing that exercise/gym help OCD. Exercises releases feel-good chemicals called endorphins that decrease tension, lift your mood and reduce discomfort. It’s not a cure, but it can help ease OCD symptoms. Why would your therapist tell you to spit on that??

Hitting the gym has nothing to do with eating 3000 calories a day. I am NOT telling you to become Mr. Universe, I am telling you to hit the gym and build muscles, human muscles, not movie marvel muscles. 

also I need that amount of calories to see results. I tried with less and didn't get any. it's not about looking like Mr. Olympia. a calorie deficit doesn't get you past beginner gains. I don't understand why some people suggest I eat less?

[whenisfriday]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Then you need to change your ignorant therapist!  There is A LOT of science researches backing that exercise/gym help OCD. Exercises releases feel-good chemicals called endorphins that decrease tension, lift your mood and reduce discomfort. It’s not a cure, but it can help ease OCD symptoms. Why would your therapist tell you to spit on that??

Hitting the gym has nothing to do with eating 3000 calories a day. I am NOT telling you to become Mr. Universe, I am telling you to hit the gym and build muscles, human muscles, not movie marvel muscles. 

also he's saying it loses effectiveness if my BODY is what I'm obsessing over 

[NuevoYorko]

What do you and your therapist work on together to help you manage your OCD?   

[Els]

Well, seems like you're in a bit of a pickle then. You don't want to put in the effort to be conventionally attractive, but you only want to date conventionally attractive women. In general, like begets like. Not necessarily in terms of "leagues", but rather that people who spend a lot of time and effort on their appearance will typically be attracted to people who share their view (i.e. people who also spend a lot of time and effort on their own appearance). Being conventionally attractive, especially for women, is ALL about putting in the time and effort, so if you're looking for women like that but don't want to go to the gym regularly, then it seems like you're shooting yourself in the foot.

[whenisfriday]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Well, seems like you're in a bit of a pickle then. You don't want to put in the effort to be conventionally attractive, but you only want to date conventionally attractive women. In general, like begets like. Not necessarily in terms of "leagues", but rather that people who spend a lot of time and effort on their appearance will typically be attracted to people who share their view (i.e. people who also spend a lot of time and effort on their own appearance). Being conventionally attractive, especially for women, is ALL about putting in the time and effort, so if you're looking for women like that but don't want to go to the gym regularly, then it seems like you're shooting yourself in the foot.

I don't know if the gym will help me based off of what my therapist is saying because he's saying it wont make me more confident with women and apparently people in the ocd forums agree. I'm also seeing a lot of women in online forums saying muscle doesn't matter much, unless that's just to make me feel better?? I'm not sure what to think. all the girls I find attractive are either with tall guys or guys who are decently built.

I've shaven my head, grown my beard and learned to dress better. I'm not sure if that's enough. I tried going to the gym for over the year but I couldn't keep force feeding myself enough calories. and no matter how much I tried I could not get stronger. I don't know why. unless you're saying that women are more likely to be receptive of me approaching them?

[whenisfriday]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What do you and your therapist work on together to help you manage your OCD?   

right now we're trying erp(exposure therapy) it works for at least almost an hour sometimes 

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, whenisfriday said:

I don't know if the gym will help me based off of what my therapist is saying because he's saying it wont make me more confident with women and apparently people in the ocd forums agree.

Quite true.  I used to work with a young man (no OCD) who was smoking hot. Tall, dark, handsome and comfortably muscled.  But he saw himself as being fat.   

We live in a word where body dysmorphia is a thing - not everybody has an accurate view of themselves

[whenisfriday]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Quite true.  I used to work with a young man (no OCD) who was smoking hot. Tall, dark, handsome and comfortably muscled.  But he saw himself as being fat.   

We live in a word where body dysmorphia is a thing - not everybody has an accurate view of themselves

I'm told I don't have body dysmorphia though 

[whenisfriday]

4 hours ago, Els said:

Well, seems like you're in a bit of a pickle then. You don't want to put in the effort to be conventionally attractive, but you only want to date conventionally attractive women. In general, like begets like. Not necessarily in terms of "leagues", but rather that people who spend a lot of time and effort on their appearance will typically be attracted to people who share their view (i.e. people who also spend a lot of time and effort on their own appearance). Being conventionally attractive, especially for women, is ALL about putting in the time and effort, so if you're looking for women like that but don't want to go to the gym regularly, then it seems like you're shooting yourself in the foot.

what's your personal definition of conventionally attractive? I usually go for women who are 7/10 in my eyes. People hate when I use ratings but I just don't know how else to describe it. I'm tired of not knowing who is and isn't in my league 

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, whenisfriday said:

I'm told I don't have body dysmorphia though 

My point is that being gym fit doesn't automatically improve a person's view of themselves.   I don't buy for a moment that getting pumped at the gym will always improve a person's self image.

I notice that your posts are all about the looks of a woman.  What do you want emotionally and intellectually?   Can you match it?   Yes, leagues are more than appearance. 

 

[whenisfriday]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

My point is that being gym fit doesn't automatically improve a person's view of themselves.   I don't buy for a moment that getting pumped at the gym will always improve a person's self image.

I notice that your posts are all about the looks of a woman.  What do you want emotionally and intellectually?   Can you match it?   Yes, leagues are more than appearance. 

 

ok I understand you now. as in what do I want in a woman other than look? I'd like someone who has similar views, interests and humor to me.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, whenisfriday said:

I don't know if the gym will help me based off of what my therapist is saying because he's saying it wont make me more confident with women and apparently people in the ocd forums agree. I'm also seeing a lot of women in online forums saying muscle doesn't matter much, unless that's just to make me feel better?? I'm not sure what to think. all the girls I find attractive are either with tall guys or guys who are decently built.

I've shaven my head, grown my beard and learned to dress better. I'm not sure if that's enough. I tried going to the gym for over the year but I couldn't keep force feeding myself enough calories. and no matter how much I tried I could not get stronger. I don't know why. unless you're saying that women are more likely to be receptive of me approaching them?

You don’t appear to understand the point we are trying to make here,

You seem to like women who are superficially, conventionally attractive, and who like the same type of men. You only have two choices here:

1) Work incredibly hard to improve your superficial, conventional attractiveness level, so that those women will like you more.

2) Start looking for women who are attracted to men like you.

Obviously, the second choice is much better. But it looks like you think that women with purely physical preferences must like you even though you don’t correspond to those preferences. That is just illogical. Women who are all about looks are attracted to men who are all about looks. Why would you even be interested in such women in the first place?

[whenisfriday]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t appear to understand the point we are trying to make here,

You seem to like women who are superficially, conventionally attractive, and who like the same type of men. You only have two choices here:

1) Work incredibly hard to improve your superficial, conventional attractiveness level, so that those women will like you more.

2) Start looking for women who are attracted to men like you.

Obviously, the second choice is much better. But it looks like you think that women with purely physical preferences must like you even though you don’t correspond to those preferences. That is just illogical. Women who are all about looks are attracted to men who are all about looks. Why would you even be interested in such women in the first place?

I get you. I definitely don't want to be with anyone who ONLY cares about looks.

[NuevoYorko]

Have you ever encountered a woman whose looks are  not necessarily high on a one dimensional numeric scale, but you still find them attractive?   I think it happens more often  as we're getting to know a person than just seeing them on the street or in a club.  Things a person does can become quite endearing and you grow to love looking at them even if they are not HAWT or whatever.  

Have you had this experience?

[whenisfriday]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Have you ever encountered a woman whose looks are  not necessarily high on a one dimensional numeric scale, but you still find them attractive?   I think it happens more often  as we're getting to know a person than just seeing them on the street or in a club.  Things a person does can become quite endearing and you grow to love looking at them even if they are not HAWT or whatever.  

Have you had this experience?

I'd say that a lot of the women I've tried with aren't exactly what you see on magazine covers. But they are cute enough for me and in some ways more attractive. some were even overweight on rare occasions if I liked their face and personality. I'm always trying to figure out who is and isn't out of my league and which women are worth trying with. 

 

There's been occasions where I may not have thought much of them until they started being really nice to me. However if I find someone UNattractive then attraction won't build for me even with personality. I have to already find them somewhat cute if that makes sense? So yes I agree attraction can build but there has to be somewhat of a starting point for me. I always say I'm looking for "semi conventionally" attractive women. although some of my guy friends will say they look average looking when I show photos.

 

 

Edited November 21 by whenisfriday

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, whenisfriday said:

I'm always trying to figure out ... which women are worth trying with. 

The women who show interest in you AND are a bit flirty.  

[whenisfriday]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

The women who show interest in you AND are a bit flirty.  

assuming those are my only options because I often don't find any of them attractive (usually it's their weight. I don't think they get approached a lot) not that they don't deserve love just not my preference 

[Leihla_B]

On 11/19/2024 at 8:23 PM, whenisfriday said:

... yet people are saying my looks aren't the issue so I don't know who to believe 

Unfortunately, you aren't going to believe anyone no matter what they say, you'll just keep obsessively asking the same question over and over and over again in different forms under different names.

The good news is, if you can work with your therapist to let go of this loop for long enough to break from it and focus on more productive things, you'll find over time and experience that your scope of attraction is likely to grow wider. That's natural maturity.

However, if you remain focused like a laser beam on your current definition of whatever makes women 'hot,' then you'll stay trapped in this loop of never wanting any woman who would date you. I hope for your sake that this will change for you.

[NuevoYorko]

I really think it might help if you get into a situation where you are interacting with women in your age range, who share some similar interest with you, regularly, to kind of "demystify" them.  

Maybe join a meetup and actually commit to going to it and engaging with the people there.  

Or take a class.  

Do you like to dance?  How about a salsa class.

I'm NOT suggesting this so you can meet a "7/10" woman to hook up with.  I am suggesting it so you can get comfortable interacting with women face to face.  Any women.  Learn how to make conversation,  show interest in other people and their lives (aside from their "rating") and share some enjoyable times.  

It would be a step in a positive direction.

[whenisfriday]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I really think it might help if you get into a situation where you are interacting with women in your age range, who share some similar interest with you, regularly, to kind of "demystify" them.  

Maybe join a meetup and actually commit to going to it and engaging with the people there.  

Or take a class.  

Do you like to dance?  How about a salsa class.

I'm NOT suggesting this so you can meet a "7/10" woman to hook up with.  I am suggesting it so you can get comfortable interacting with women face to face.  Any women.  Learn how to make conversation,  show interest in other people and their lives (aside from their "rating") and share some enjoyable times.  

It would be a step in a positive direction.

I'm in a hiking group but I have no time to do anything anymore other than work full time and take grad classes. there's barely any vacation day slots available at work. I'm burnt out, isolated and miserable and don't have job experience for anything better. my mental health disorders ruined my life.

Edited November 21 by whenisfriday

[basil67]

2 hours ago, whenisfriday said:

I'm in a hiking group but I have no time to do anything anymore other than work full time and take grad classes. there's barely any vacation day slots available at work. I'm burnt out, isolated and miserable and don't have job experience for anything better. my mental health disorders ruined my life.

Kindly, with such a busy life, when would you have time to date?

[whenisfriday]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, with such a busy life, when would you have time to date?

that's why I don't know if I want anything serious right now. would be nice to spend time with/sleep with someone here and there at least.

[whenisfriday]

10 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Unfortunately, you aren't going to believe anyone no matter what they say, you'll just keep obsessively asking the same question over and over and over again in different forms under different names.

The good news is, if you can work with your therapist to let go of this loop for long enough to break from it and focus on more productive things, you'll find over time and experience that your scope of attraction is likely to grow wider. That's natural maturity.

However, if you remain focused like a laser beam on your current definition of whatever makes women 'hot,' then you'll stay trapped in this loop of never wanting any woman who would date you. I hope for your sake that this will change for you.

yea. I'm hoping he can help me. idk how effective any therapy or meds have been. grounding skills sometimes work or sometimes they don't. usually for a few minutes. humor also seems ti help. having a laugh is a natural high. it's temporary but I guess it's better than self numbing 

[NuevoYorko]

What type of work do you do, and what are you studying?  Do you go to work and / or school or are these remote situations?