Transitioning from Friends to Lovers?

[MrPeoplePleaser]

Beth [F41] and I [M51] have had a complicated but meaningful relationship over the years. We briefly dated back in 2019, but she wasn’t over her ex and realized she wasn’t ready to date anyone else. After a period of not talking, we reconnected this past May and decided to give dating another shot in October. Back in 2019, we talked about the idea of having a baby, something she’s always wanted but never had. Recently, we’ve revisited those conversations and even started making plans, though she’s unsure about the possibility of conceiving naturally at this stage in her life (she’s 47, and I’m 51). She’s open to adoption, and it’s something we’ve kept on the table.

Our relationship is strong in many ways—we text, talk, and see each other a few times a week. We’ve shared some amazing experiences. We took a trip to Vegas back in October where we first had sex. But since then, we’ve only been intimate at her place, where she lives with her mother, which she says makes her feel less than sexy. On top of that, Beth has expressed that she doesn’t feel the romantic spark she believes is necessary, even though she says she’s attracted to me. Her sex drive has been significantly impacted by lingering neck issues she believes are affecting the part of her brain associated with sexual desire. I wrote her a heartfelt letter last weekend, but she admitted that she couldn’t write something similar because she’s not in the same emotional place, which was tough for me to hear.

One thing I’ve always believed is that it’s easier to build a sexual connection with someone you already have a strong, loving bond with than it is to build a deep relationship with someone where the connection is primarily physical. Beth, however, has mostly had relationships that were initially built on sexual chemistry, so I think that’s why she’s struggling with this shift. She’s very spiritual, into natural healing, and works as a massage therapist. She’s also a devout Christian, while I grew up Christian but don’t actively attend church anymore. She’s brought up that not visiting my house since we started dating feels like an imbalance, and I can see where she’s coming from on that.

How do we successfully navigate the transition from close friends to romantic partners, especially when the intimacy and spark weren’t immediately there like both of you have had in the past? How do we deepen the romantic side of our relationship while respecting and building on the strong connection we already have? If you’ve been in a similar situation, please let me know what worked for you.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

One thing I’ve always believed is that it’s easier to build a sexual connection with someone you already have a strong, loving bond with than it is to build a deep relationship with someone where the connection is primarily physical.

I think that the opposite is true. Sexual connection might grow into a deep relationship. But a deep relationship without an initial sexual connection is a platonic relationship, a friendship.

Sure, sometimes friends try a romantic relationship, but I’ve never seen it work long-term. It usually happens when one of the friends has romantic feelings for the other one, and the other one “settles”, because they are in a bad place emotionally and falsely assume that it’s better to be with someone they know and trust even without romance than to have another heartbreak.

What happens then is that the friend who has “settled” eventually heals, renews their strength, and then dumps the friend-partner the moment a new passion hits them.

I’m sorry, but if Beth herself honestly says she doesn’t feel romantic spark with you and that her feelings for you are much less intense than yours for her, I see no other way to handle it but to break it off and start looking for a woman who would reciprocate your feelings.

 

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

How do we successfully navigate the transition from close friends to romantic partners, especially when the intimacy and spark weren’t immediately there like both of you have had in the past? How do we deepen the romantic side of our relationship while respecting and building on the strong connection we already have?

Sorry, but for what it’s worth, my answer is “you don’t”.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

How do we deepen the romantic side of our relationship while respecting and building on the strong connection we already have?

I know this is what you want to happen, but you've written nothing which suggests it's her goal.  

At any rate, I can't say that I've ever done it before.   My relationship with my partner of 30 odd years started out with super hot sex on the day we met

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

She’s brought up that not visiting my house since we started dating feels like an imbalance, and I can see where she’s coming from on that.

Why hasn't she visited your house yet?

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

Her sex drive has been significantly impacted by lingering neck issues she believes are affecting the part of her brain associated with sexual desire.

Eh, sounds like a bit of a reach. I can absolutely agree that dealing with ongoing pain would affect someone's desire for sex - but not their romantic desire for their partner at a deeper level. Meaning, she would still be sexually attracted to you even if her pain means she doesn't feel like having intercourse. I think she is trying to spare your feelings here. 

1 hour ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

How do we successfully navigate the transition from close friends to romantic partners

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it might not happen. It's true that for some people, desire builds over time. However, it's not a given and not something that can be forced if one party just doesn't have those feelings. 

You can keep dating for a while and see if anything changes for her, but please don't assume it will or build your future around this woman yet. Set yourself a mental timeline as for how long you want to stick this out before conceding that it just isn't going to work. 

 

[MrPeoplePleaser]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why hasn't she visited your house yet?

Eh, sounds like a bit of a reach. I can absolutely agree that dealing with ongoing pain would affect someone's desire for sex - but not their romantic desire for their partner at a deeper level. Meaning, she would still be sexually attracted to you even if her pain means she doesn't feel like having intercourse. I think she is trying to spare your feelings here. 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but it might not happen. It's true that for some people, desire builds over time. However, it's not a given and not something that can be forced if one party just doesn't have those feelings. 

You can keep dating for a while and see if anything changes for her, but please don't assume it will or build your future around this woman yet. Set yourself a mental timeline as for how long you want to stick this out before conceding that it just isn't going to work. 

 

She hasn't been to my house because it isn't ready for guests. I never get visitors so I never keep it in condition to host anyone. I have been cleaning up for the last 2 days to get it in presentable form.

She has always been the one kinda pushing for a baby and family and I liked the idea. She was also open to the idea of co-parenting if we decided to not get married.

 

[MrPeoplePleaser]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I know this is what you want to happen, but you've written nothing which suggests it's her goal.  

At any rate, I can't say that I've ever done it before.   My relationship with my partner of 30 odd years started out with super hot sex on the day we met

When we dated back in 2019, we hooked up once with oral sex only. She said it was good, at least good enough to want to date again, years and two girlfriends later. 

She knew it was a risk to try to turn our relationship from FWB to monogamous romantic but is willing to try adjustments to our relationship to see if things improve.

[Sony12]

32 minutes ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

When we dated back in 2019, we hooked up once with oral sex only. She said it was good, at least good enough to want to date again, years and two girlfriends later. 

She knew it was a risk to try to turn our relationship from FWB to monogamous romantic but is willing to try adjustments to our relationship to see if things improve.

Were you officially dating at the time you had oral sex or was it just a hookup situation. If you were officially dating then there is nothing wrong with that as dating partners will have sex only situations all the time. If it was a traditional hook up it might be more difficult to form an actual relationship as you two would have already defined what you are to each other.

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

When we dated back in 2019, we hooked up once with oral sex only. She said it was good, at least good enough to want to date again, years and two girlfriends later. 

She knew it was a risk to try to turn our relationship from FWB to monogamous romantic but is willing to try adjustments to our relationship to see if things improve.

And yet none of this solves the problem of how to get from being friends to having strong sexual interest.   

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

I never get visitors so I never keep it in condition to host anyone. I have been cleaning up for the last 2 days to get it in presentable form.

Meaning you don't do basic housekeeping, even for yourself? 

[Sony12]

Generally for people that don't do basic housework it's usually good to get a maid to come once a month or so. As they can keep it cleaned up enough to where it doesn't get out of control.

If your house isn't even clean enough to have people come over it might be something to think about. If you live alone having a maid come once a month should do the trick.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Were you officially dating at the time you had oral sex or was it just a hookup situation. If you were officially dating then there is nothing wrong with that as dating partners will have sex only situations all the time. If it was a traditional hook up it might be more difficult to form an actual relationship as you two would have already defined what you are to each other.

It started as officially dating. We discussed starting a family on the first date. I know that is unconventional but I wanted what she wanted. I might have been a bit of a rebound at the time.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And yet none of this solves the problem of how to get from being friends to having strong sexual interest.   

I think we can go back to how we started back in 2019, as officially dating with strong sexual desire between us.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Meaning you don't do basic housekeeping, even for yourself? 

Not to the point where I would have company. Clean enough for me but not enough for visitors.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

I think we can go back to how we started back in 2019, as officially dating with strong sexual desire between us.

If you are sure you can do it, why are you asking advice? 🤔

Edited November 19 by basil67

[MrPeoplePleaser]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you are sure you can do it, why are you asking advice? 🤔

I am asking what has worked for other people to enhance my chances.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

I am asking what has worked for other people to enhance my chances.

Given that she sees you as essentially a FWB sperm donor, I wouldn't hold high hopes.  Absolutely NOTHING romantic can come of this is she's not feeling it....and there's nothing you can do which will make her get feelings for you.   If it were possible, the inventor of the technique would be a billionaire 

[Lotsgoingon]

This relationship can only break your heart and leave you in deep emotional pain. 

Dude, I've dated a woman who wasn't really turned on by me. You will it. I felt. Like every day you feel it. 

And btw: friendships DO NOT as a rule turn into romantic relationships. So if someone sees you as a friend, that's it. That's where it will stay. The only exceptions I can think of are when both people maybe work together for years--and they are not trying to date each other. They work together and get to know each other pretty deeply ... and then the real attraction--or mild interest-- in some cases might develop. I'm talking people working together for ten years.

But no the situation you are in will not change. Go find a good and compatible woman who is sexually turned on by you and you by her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

Not to the point where I would have company. Clean enough for me but not enough for visitors.

Doe she know this is the reason?

I would be put off if a guy couldn't have me over because his house was in such a state that he needed days to get it presentable - and that he didn't bother to do something about it until I questioned why I couldn't visit. 

 

[introverted1]

18 hours ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

She has always been the one kinda pushing for a baby and family and I liked the idea. She was also open to the idea of co-parenting if we decided to not get married.

She has openly stated her goal, which does not include a loving, sexually intimate relationship with you.  In fact, she has told you quite clearly that she feels a bond of friendship with you, but does not have romantic or sexual feelings toward you.  

Are you willing to fulfill her desire to have a child (whether naturally or through adoption) while putting your own desire for a romantic/sexual relationship on the shelf?  If so, proceed. 

[ShyViolet]

21 hours ago, MrPeoplePleaser said:

I think we can go back to how we started back in 2019, as officially dating with strong sexual desire between us.

She has told you that she doesn't feel a romantic spark with you.  You can't "make" her feel a romantic spark when she simply doesn't.  You really sound like you are grasping at straws here.

[S2B]

She may never have romantic feelings for you?

BUT - she may actually keep you around in case she does need a sperm donor  soon.

Have you ever had sex with her? If so, how many times?

[Leihla_B]

On 11/19/2024 at 1:45 PM, MrPeoplePleaser said:

She was also open to the idea of co-parenting if we decided to not get married.

I'm so sorry, but it sounds like she's headed here ^^^.

Decide whether being her sperm donor is enough for you, because she's already priming you to accept that that's as far as she's willing to go with you.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

On 11/19/2024 at 5:32 PM, basil67 said:

Given that she sees you as essentially a FWB sperm donor, I wouldn't hold high hopes.  Absolutely NOTHING romantic can come of this is she's not feeling it....and there's nothing you can do which will make her get feelings for you.   If it were possible, the inventor of the technique would be a billionaire 

Kinda feels like we have turned a corner over the weekend. She blamed the entire episode that lead to my story on hormones and her period. We have since decided to back off of the whole baby thing, continue seeing each other and spending time together. We've see each other every day since. Last night she introduced me to her best friends - a couple she has known for about 10 years.  This was an important step in that she in involving me more and more into her life. We plan on spending Thanksgiving at another of her friend's house.

Perhaps she will never give me the level of love that I want but it feels like we have gotten past this little rough spot.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

On 11/20/2024 at 3:08 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Doe she know this is the reason?

I would be put off if a guy couldn't have me over because his house was in such a state that he needed days to get it presentable - and that he didn't bother to do something about it until I questioned why I couldn't visit. 

 

She asked and I told her that was the reason. I never have visitors. But since, I have cleaned it up to the point of being presentable. She will be visiting later in the week where I will be making her dinner.

[MrPeoplePleaser]

On 11/20/2024 at 8:21 AM, introverted1 said:

She has openly stated her goal, which does not include a loving, sexually intimate relationship with you.  In fact, she has told you quite clearly that she feels a bond of friendship with you, but does not have romantic or sexual feelings toward you.  

Are you willing to fulfill her desire to have a child (whether naturally or through adoption) while putting your own desire for a romantic/sexual relationship on the shelf?  If so, proceed. 

I can put my feelings on the shelf if needed, but she seems to think she might need some therapy and took out some of her irrational frustrations on me.