Mom, we gotta talk.

[bravojohn]

Maybe someone here can offer perspective regarding the best approach. This may get a little long but pls bear with me.

I'm in my 40s. I've got a sister 2 years younger than me. Since the moment she was born my parents (especially my mom) doted over her. Everything was done to ensure sis was OK. Me on the other hand had to forge my own path, often unsupported. Life was often hard, and I did my part to get to where I am today, with a good job, and stable life.

Sis on the other hand went completely off the rails in adulthood and as a result, today has nothing. Like, literally, not two cents to rub together, living in someone's back yard. Not had a job basically ever. She lies and steals her way through life.

She's also over the years done some terrible things to try to garner attention or money from people. In the 2010s the once had a massive "funeral fundraiser" for her brother that died in a terrible car accident. Well, that brother is the one typing this post.

On another occasion she committed property fraud and unbeknownst to me my name was on the documents with a falsified signature as co-owner of a nonexistent property she was using to scam people out of security deposits. This almost cost me my job as to my complete embarrassment the police showed up at my place of work.

As a result I have decided to break all ties with her years ago. I honestly want nothing to do with her.

However, this is still my mom's daughter and my poor 70yr old mom still tries to make my sis feel valued etc, but, through emotional manipulation and forcing cooperation from my side from time to time. This however after me and mom having a very tough heart to heart about how I feel about my sister a couple of years ago. My mom lives in a different county so when she visits us, it MUST also include plans to accommodate my sis (often at our house) or organising, and paying for alternative options including transport as, yes you guessed it, sis doesn't own a car. It drives mad.

When I bring up that I owe her (sis) nothing considering the past, mom's tactic is to always tell me how much sis looks up to me, and how I have done fairly well in life and she hasn't. Feels totally manipulative. Yes, I've done alright in life as I worked hard, and built what I have from nothing.

Now, it's come to light that sis is getting married next year. Now, remember, she has nothing. Her future husband also, has basically nothing. Now, all kinds of favors are being called in from my mom, to my and my girlfriend, to help make this day memorable and as nice as it can be for sis. Of course, I'm livid, as honestly, I could care less. But again, cue the manipulation from mom. Mom even offered my house to my sis to do the pre-wedding prep at, and that my gf will do her hair and makeup!? This without consulting with either me or my gf.

Please advise regarding a diplomatc way of putting a stop to this. I love my mom but she completely ignores boundaries in this instance. She knows very well what's happened in the past but prefers to overlook it for the sake of sparing feelings. This has been a yoke I've been carrying way too long and I want it off me for good. I need my mom to understand that, I respect the fact that it's her daughter, but me or mine needn't be involved with anything for her, or to make her life better.

[basil67]

I don't think there is a diplomatic way of handling this.  The only way you can do it is to be clear and firm.   "Mom, I understand that you want to make sister's wedding a nice as possible, but as you know, she burned her bridges with me long ago.  She will not be using my home and we will not be attending the wedding"  If mom argues or pleads...or says "but I already offered it" remind her that it was not her place to offer and she has to fix this herself.    If she still won't stop, you're going to have to read your mother the riot act

Edited November 19, 2024 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

You say no.  Period, end of story.  You can only be manipulated if you LET people manipulate you.   When your mom tries to guilt you into letting your sister be included in events with you, use your home, whatever, you learn to say NO and mean it.  Forget about being "diplomatic".  You try saying it diplomatically at first, but if the message is not getting through to your mom, you tell her the answer is NO and you hold that boundary.

On 11/19/2024 at 4:52 PM, bravojohn said:

 My mom lives in a different county so when she visits us, it MUST also include plans to accommodate my sis (often at our house) or organising, and paying for alternative options including transport as, yes you guessed it, sis doesn't own a car. It drives mad.

No one can force you to do any of this stuff.  You have been allowing it.  

[Leihla_B]

I'd consider how much help I'm willing to offer my mother as opposed to it being about sister. I'd give Mom that amount of money and tell her, "I love you, and this is the maximum I will contribute to make YOUR day happy. I don't trust sister or her people, and I will not allow them on my property. You'll need to find a venue."

If she raises an argument, I'd tell her she's welcome to appreciate my limits or not, but they stand firm.

Edited November 23, 2024 by Leihla_B

[samantha888]

It sounds like you've been carrying a heavy burden for a long time. Setting clear boundaries with your mom is crucial—maybe explain gently but firmly that while you respect her love for your sister, you're not willing to compromise your peace or involve yourself in situations that have caused harm in the past. Prioritize your well-being and stand by your decision without guilt.