Guilt feelings

[Gebidozo]

My Mom is almost 90 years old, she lives alone in something like a retirement house. We’ve been living in different countries for 30 years now. I have an older brother who’s been living in yet another country for almost 40 years. The three countries are far from each other; my Mom and my brother are the closest, a 5 hour flight apart.

I’ve been calling my Mom twice daily for many years. I try to visit her once or twice per year. She still feels very lonely, and lately she’s been saying things to me that are hard to hear. Stuff like “I wish I had daughters instead of sons, sons just neglect their mothers”. Out of the blue, she’d say stuff like “I know you don’t really care”, “I know you’ll never come again” (even though I would, and I did, and I will), and so on.

The smallest fight can turn into accusations - if it’s a phone conversation, she’d tell me “don’t call me again!”; if it’s face to face, when I visit her, it’s “don’t come again!”, and so on.

The way she’s been treating my brother is even worse. Last time he visited her, she told him on the second day “why did you even come, you’re useless”. Then she’d cry literally for hours because he didn’t kiss her or hug her hard enough.

She’s had this kind of outbursts and temper issues ever since I remember myself, but lately it’s gotten worse. Some of the things she says are very hurtful. The above examples are in addition to an inability to accept a different opinion, which makes conversation very difficult. If I disagree with her on political or religious issues (which she loves discussing, and on many of which I do disagree with her), I have only two options: lie and nod, or ignore what she says and try to steer the conversation away from the topic. Any attempt to sincerely state my different opinion and engage in a normal conversation would invariably result in yelling on her side.

All that means that going to see her is in many ways an emotionally exhausting experience, both for my brother and for me. Normally, we’d “recharge” in our respective countries and then visit her again with renewed mental strength. However, the recent subtle (or not so subtle) guilt trips have produced an adverse effect. I tried telling her that, but she only got very offended; naturally, that conversation ended with a “if you don’t like me the way I am, find a different mother”, as many conversations with her do.

She is a very charismatic person, very talented, smart, educated, witty, funny, and charming when she wants to be. I don’t know how to make it clear to her that those outbursts are getting hard to bear, that the guilt has been piling up and leading to emotional exhaustion.

I feel deeply guilty and ashamed that I’m not as happy to see my mother as I used to be. I also feel very guilty for not living in the same country and only seeing her once per year or so. She’s very lonely, but people annoy her tremendously, she pushes them away even as they flock to her, and then complains about loneliness.

My brother, my fiancée, and my best friend are telling me to stop feeling guilty. They say it is my right to have my own life and pursue happiness in the country I currently live in. They say I should stop taking what my Mom says seriously and ignore her outbursts. I’ve been trying to do that, but it’s very hard to evoke positive feelings when I know that any time some biting remark might pop up.

What do you guys think? Am I really guilty, or should I work on getting rid of guilt feelings and stop taking my Mom’s hurtful words so seriously, like people close to me are telling me?

[Leihla_B]

My heart goes out to you, G. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted by an elderly mother who pushes you away by deliberately trying to make you feel lousy. I'd consider working with a counselor who's experienced in dealing with geriatric issues. They can help you to put this in a more beneficial context and can give you tools to cope and handle your interactions with Mom in ways that won't have you buying into guilt trips.

[Gebidozo]

57 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

My heart goes out to you, G. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted by an elderly mother who pushes you away by deliberately trying to make you feel lousy. I'd consider working with a counselor who's experienced in dealing with geriatric issues. They can help you to put this in a more beneficial context and can give you tools to cope and handle your interactions with Mom in ways that won't have you buying into guilt trips.

Thank you, Leihla. I don’t think she’s doing it deliberately, she can be very affectionate and also has a very positive mindset sometimes. When she is like that there is no problem, but those mood swings are hard. Especially when she starts talking about how life has no meaning and her biggest wish is to die.