Guilt feelings

[Gebidozo]

My Mom is almost 90 years old, she lives alone in something like a retirement house. We’ve been living in different countries for 30 years now. I have an older brother who’s been living in yet another country for almost 40 years. The three countries are far from each other; my Mom and my brother are the closest, a 5 hour flight apart.

I’ve been calling my Mom twice daily for many years. I try to visit her once or twice per year. She still feels very lonely, and lately she’s been saying things to me that are hard to hear. Stuff like “I wish I had daughters instead of sons, sons just neglect their mothers”. Out of the blue, she’d say stuff like “I know you don’t really care”, “I know you’ll never come again” (even though I would, and I did, and I will), and so on.

The smallest fight can turn into accusations - if it’s a phone conversation, she’d tell me “don’t call me again!”; if it’s face to face, when I visit her, it’s “don’t come again!”, and so on.

The way she’s been treating my brother is even worse. Last time he visited her, she told him on the second day “why did you even come, you’re useless”. Then she’d cry literally for hours because he didn’t kiss her or hug her hard enough.

She’s had this kind of outbursts and temper issues ever since I remember myself, but lately it’s gotten worse. Some of the things she says are very hurtful. The above examples are in addition to an inability to accept a different opinion, which makes conversation very difficult. If I disagree with her on political or religious issues (which she loves discussing, and on many of which I do disagree with her), I have only two options: lie and nod, or ignore what she says and try to steer the conversation away from the topic. Any attempt to sincerely state my different opinion and engage in a normal conversation would invariably result in yelling on her side.

All that means that going to see her is in many ways an emotionally exhausting experience, both for my brother and for me. Normally, we’d “recharge” in our respective countries and then visit her again with renewed mental strength. However, the recent subtle (or not so subtle) guilt trips have produced an adverse effect. I tried telling her that, but she only got very offended; naturally, that conversation ended with a “if you don’t like me the way I am, find a different mother”, as many conversations with her do.

She is a very charismatic person, very talented, smart, educated, witty, funny, and charming when she wants to be. I don’t know how to make it clear to her that those outbursts are getting hard to bear, that the guilt has been piling up and leading to emotional exhaustion.

I feel deeply guilty and ashamed that I’m not as happy to see my mother as I used to be. I also feel very guilty for not living in the same country and only seeing her once per year or so. She’s very lonely, but people annoy her tremendously, she pushes them away even as they flock to her, and then complains about loneliness.

My brother, my fiancée, and my best friend are telling me to stop feeling guilty. They say it is my right to have my own life and pursue happiness in the country I currently live in. They say I should stop taking what my Mom says seriously and ignore her outbursts. I’ve been trying to do that, but it’s very hard to evoke positive feelings when I know that any time some biting remark might pop up.

What do you guys think? Am I really guilty, or should I work on getting rid of guilt feelings and stop taking my Mom’s hurtful words so seriously, like people close to me are telling me?

[Leihla_B]

My heart goes out to you, G. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted by an elderly mother who pushes you away by deliberately trying to make you feel lousy. I'd consider working with a counselor who's experienced in dealing with geriatric issues. They can help you to put this in a more beneficial context and can give you tools to cope and handle your interactions with Mom in ways that won't have you buying into guilt trips.

[Gebidozo]

57 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

My heart goes out to you, G. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted by an elderly mother who pushes you away by deliberately trying to make you feel lousy. I'd consider working with a counselor who's experienced in dealing with geriatric issues. They can help you to put this in a more beneficial context and can give you tools to cope and handle your interactions with Mom in ways that won't have you buying into guilt trips.

Thank you, Leihla. I don’t think she’s doing it deliberately, she can be very affectionate and also has a very positive mindset sometimes. When she is like that there is no problem, but those mood swings are hard. Especially when she starts talking about how life has no meaning and her biggest wish is to die. 

[Gaeta]

It's emotionally hard to see our parents aging and then they lose their filter and say hurtful things. 

It's hard but you have to tell yourself that's what aging do on our brain. You continue visiting, you continue calling, don't take anything personally and remind her you think of her and love her. She will huff and puff but between calls she remembers those 'l love yous'.

Have you tried video calling instead of just calling? It makes a huge difference. Our parents are 10 hours away and my 3 siblings and I do a video call each weekend. Seeing each other live on video fights loneliness much more than just the voice. Parents also enjoy seeing their children together. A video call the 3 of you would certainly be like a balm on her heart. 

[ShyViolet]

When a family member/parent is toxic and verbally abusive to you, I would normally suggest cutting them off.  However, this is your Mom and she's 90 and she won't be around much longer.  Her behavior might be partially caused by age and cognitive decline.  One option is certainly to avoid seeing her.  However, the question is, if she were to pass away soon, would you feel guilty for the rest of your life about not seeing her much before she died?  Carrying around guilt for the rest of your life is an awful thing.  So just think about, if she were to pass away, what would make you have the least amount of guilt after she is gone?  Visiting her (even though you would have to deal with her negative behavior) or distancing yourself from her in her final days/years?

I'm not saying which one is right for you.  Only you can decide that.  There are lots of people in this world who go no contact with disrespectful and toxic parents, even when that parent is old and dying, and that is the right choice for them.  But only you can decide that.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's emotionally hard to see our parents aging and then they lose their filter and say hurtful things. 

It's hard but you have to tell yourself that's what aging do on our brain. You continue visiting, you continue calling, don't take anything personally and remind her you think of her and love her. She will huff and puff but between calls she remembers those 'l love yous'.

Have you tried video calling instead of just calling? It makes a huge difference. Our parents are 10 hours away and my 3 siblings and I do a video call each weekend. Seeing each other live on video fights loneliness much more than just the voice. Parents also enjoy seeing their children together. A video call the 3 of you would certainly be like a balm on her heart. 

Yes, we videocall sometimes, but she says nothing can replace my presence and she misses me a lot.

To be honest, it’s hard even when she is nice and doesn’t say anything hurtful, because she keeps telling me how lonely she is and my guilt feelings just keep mounting.

I forgot to say that taking her to the country I live in is not an option, because the country she is in has amazing healthcare and social benefits and generally a much better environment for old people. In the country I’m in she’d just be an old foreigner without any rights or benefits, and constantly fearing a visa refusal.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

So just think about, if she were to pass away, what would make you have the least amount of guilt after she is gone?  Visiting her (even though you would have to deal with her negative behavior) or distancing yourself from her in her final days/years?

Definitely visiting her. I won’t distance myself from her. Thanks for putting this choice into clear words.

[Gaeta]

Have you spoken to the people in charge of the home where she is? Would it help if they knew she is fighting loneliness?

Where l'm from aged people experiencing loneliness is taken seriously and plans are put in place to ease that burden.

[Leihla_B]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Have you spoken to the people in charge of the home where she is? Would it help if they knew she is fighting loneliness?

Where l'm from aged people experiencing loneliness is taken seriously and plans are put in place to ease that burden.

Yes. They can be very smart about this by asking for a lonely person's help to socialize someone else. They won't just throw them together; they'll ask the lonely person to join a meal or participate in something like a class or a craft, and then help the person they introduce by being kind to them and helping them to feel welcomed.

[Leihla_B]

On 11/20/2024 at 6:58 PM, Gebidozo said:

Especially when she starts talking about how life has no meaning and her biggest wish is to die. 

I understand. I would keep a running list of topics that enliven her--even if it's politics you disagree with or events from her past that she's told you many times. Then when she nosedives down this negative road, it might help to ask, "Mom, is this how you want us to spend our time together, or would you like to talk to me about something like 'x'?

PS: Don't argue her politics, just say things like, "Wow. I hadn't thought about it like that before..." Just give her the gift of being 'right'.

Also, play her music or stream comedians she loves. Share the moments with her and let her talk about her past experiences with the material.

Edited November 23 by Leihla_B