basil67 Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Serious question then. How come I know couples that have been dating for years but haven’t gotten married? Is marriage starting to essentially be phased out as a non-essential? Back again.....I've been with my partner for 30 odd years, defacto, two kids, own a house and two birds. Our laws cover defacto couples, so marriage wasn't required for us. That said, our daughter and her boyfriend and talking about getting engaged, so marriage is not dead Edited November 21 by basil67 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 5 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Interesting, when I was in high school back in 2001 and 17-18 nobody was having sex. People dated for years but never did more than make out. I think I’m still living in the older times. I wonder where your high school was… in my high school, many people lost their virginity before the age of 18. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 2 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Serious question then. How come I know couples that have been dating for years but haven’t gotten married? Is marriage starting to essentially be phased out as a non-essential? I don't know where you are from. I know marriage is still important for most Americans. I am French Canadian and we don't marry anymore. We still are in relationship and have homes and children together, we just don't marry. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 8 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I’ve always thought women in general thought of men to be horn dogs that want only 1 thing and that 1 thing needs to be earned. It’s just how I was raised, but thanks for the replies. I might be a bit more screwed up than I thought. It’s okay, sometimes it takes an effort to get rid of some pre-conceived notions. The whole concept of “earning sex” is gravely outdated, objectifying, and demeaning to both genders. “Horn dog” shouldn’t be a gender-dependent term. Some people, men and women, have higher libido, while others, men and women, have lower libido. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 25 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I think I’m still living in the older times. I think you're living in times which never existed. My grandmother's diary in 1939 illuded to the premarital sex going on then. My other grandmother got married in the 1920's because she was pregnant at 19. Fooling around is nothing new Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: I don't know where you are from. I know marriage is still important for most Americans. I am French Canadian and we don't marry anymore. We still are in relationship and have homes and children together, we just don't marry. I’m from rural Michigan. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 1 hour ago, basil67 said: I think you're living in times which never existed. My grandmother's diary in 1939 illuded to the premarital sex going on then. My other grandmother got married in the 1920's because she was pregnant at 19. Fooling around is nothing new I really appreciate the feedback. I was just raised to believe women look at men as wanting only 1 thing and that it should be earned and never given away. The more I think about this situation and my past relationships I might simply just be happier to be single and focus on my career. I don’t have any interest in games with relation to dating. It’s just too much effort I think. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 2 hours ago, Gebidozo said: It’s okay, sometimes it takes an effort to get rid of some pre-conceived notions. The whole concept of “earning sex” is gravely outdated, objectifying, and demeaning to both genders. “Horn dog” shouldn’t be a gender-dependent term. Some people, men and women, have higher libido, while others, men and women, have lower libido. Honestly, the more I think about it and the games required to date. I just don’t have the time. I have a very good career that keeps me focused and am just starting to see dating as a hassle. I don’t have time to go out to “events”, and don’t “club”. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I don’t have time to go out to “events”, and don’t “club”. Yeah, you might be too old for clubbing, but no social life? You never have fun with friends? All work and no play..... Edited November 21 by basil67 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yeah, you might be too old for clubbing, but no social life? You never have fun with friends? All work and no play..... Oh I absolutely get together with friends. That’s how I met my current girlfriend. Other than that, I really don’t have much time for anything else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 49 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Oh I absolutely get together with friends. That’s how I met my current girlfriend. Other than that, I really don’t have much time for anything else. You may also meet a new girlfriend through friends Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 I think your girlfriend is a virgin, OP. And if she can't even have an adult conversation about sexuality and her preferences, needs or desires without "giggling"? It's time to find a true adult, not a woman with the maturity of a teenager. None of what you describe is the new "norm". You just haven't felt confident enough in yourself to weed out the incompatible ones. 2 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 12 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I’ve always thought women in general thought of men to be horn dogs that want only 1 thing and that 1 thing needs to be earned. Women in general have the same biological interest in sex as men. I would at that you’ve “earned” it - in that you’ve shown her after two years that you are not only in it for the sex. 12 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Is marriage starting to essentially be phased out as a non-essential? Marriage rates are declining, for many reasons. That doesn’t mean that people are not getting married or cohabitating anymore… Do you not have friends or family - you must see people in relationships… These are some pretty antiquated assumptions that you are making… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think your girlfriend is a virgin, OP. And if she can't even have an adult conversation about sexuality and her preferences, needs or desires without "giggling"? Agree. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 12 hours ago, basil67 said: My other grandmother got married in the 1920's because she was pregnant at 19. Fooling around is nothing new I have a cousin who became pregnant at 16 - they married, had two children, and they have been married for 60+ years now. Fooling around is nothing new… Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 (edited) 16 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I’m 38 I’ve been with my 33 year old girlfriend for just over two years You're both fully grown adults, yet we are to believe that you've never had a mutual adult discussion about each of your goals for seeking a relationship, including your sexual expectations? Most people have these discussions within a few dates to learn whether these important values align and whether they make a good match with one another. Have the conversation, or not. If not, here you are. Edited November 21 by Leihla_B Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 59 minutes ago, Leihla_B said: You're both fully grown adults, yet we are to believe that you've never had a mutual adult discussion about each of your goals for seeking a relationship, including your sexual expectations? Most people have these discussions within a few dates to learn whether these important values align and whether they make a good match with one another. Have the conversation, or not. If not, here you are. I have tried to have these conversations with her and she is open to discussing everything except sex. She starts to either giggle and say things like “I don’t know”, “sex is not the be all end all of a relationship”, “she doesn’t see the need for it”. When I ask her why I can’t even see her in underwear she giggles every single time and says things like “Do you really need to?” I mean I don’t really need to since it seems like we will never have sex. It’s just irritating we have been together for just over 2 years and I haven’t seen anything more revealing on her other than a tank top and shorts I’m going to talk to her today and let her know where I’m at and I’ll update this post. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Women in general have the same biological interest in sex as men. I would at that you’ve “earned” it - in that you’ve shown her after two years that you are not only in it for the sex. Marriage rates are declining, for many reasons. That doesn’t mean that people are not getting married or cohabitating anymore… Do you not have friends or family - you must see people in relationships… These are some pretty antiquated assumptions that you are making… While I appreciate the info I just am not sold on the fact women in their 20’s to 30’s are into sex as much as men. Everything I have been taught and told has bee that men are sex hounds and women need emotional connections, not sex, while men need sex. Maybe the other poster is correct that I’m not confident enough to actually weed out the bad matches. My ex pretty much destroyed my sense of self esteem after she cheated and then we didn’t have sex for 7 years solid. That’s a lot for someone in their late 20’s and early to mid 30’s to deal with. I guess I’m also upset with myself for wasting my 30’s and being completely sexless for nearly 1/3 of my life. In short, I’ve conditioned myself to have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think your girlfriend is a virgin, OP. And if she can't even have an adult conversation about sexuality and her preferences, needs or desires without "giggling"? It's time to find a true adult, not a woman with the maturity of a teenager. None of what you describe is the new "norm". You just haven't felt confident enough in yourself to weed out the incompatible ones. Your remark about confidence definitely resonates with me. I think you are right. Every time I have considered asking a woman out I always have this notion in the back of my mine that I need to be careful so they don’t think I’m the typical male horn dog with just sex on the mind. I’ve been to therapy for 3 years at the end of my marriage, and an additional year after that by myself and it never seemed to help. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 2 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I’ve been to therapy for 3 years at the end of my marriage, and an additional year after that by myself and it never seemed to help. What was your therapy focused on? 2 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: Every time I have considered asking a woman out I always have this notion in the back of my mine that I need to be careful so they don’t think I’m the typical male horn dog with just sex on the mind. OP, most of us ladies also enjoy sex and want to have sex with our partners. If you are not always talking abou it or pawing at them, it is unlikely the women you want to ask out are going to mistake you a "typical male horn dog." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 1 hour ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I have tried to have these conversations with her and she is open to discussing everything except sex. She starts to either giggle and say things like “I don’t know”, “sex is not the be all end all of a relationship”, “she doesn’t see the need for it”. When I ask her why I can’t even see her in underwear she giggles every single time and says things like “Do you really need to?” I mean I don’t really need to since it seems like we will never have sex. It’s just irritating we have been together for just over 2 years and I haven’t seen anything more revealing on her other than a tank top and shorts Being "irritated" by it is madness. Why expect something from someone who clearly can't or won't give that to you? Recognizing that you and her are just not compatible and walking away is the only reasonable thing to do. 13 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: I was just raised to believe women look at men as wanting only 1 thing and that it should be earned and never given away. You've been living with these generalizations in your head based on your very, very limited experiences, which aren't representative of what's really out there in the world. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 1 hour ago, Dazedandconfused86 said: She starts to either giggle and say things like Then she's not mentally adult enough to have an adult relationship. Are either or both of you neurodivergent? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheEternalPessimist Posted November 21 Share Posted November 21 This is so awkward, I'm surprised you're still with her after all this time. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 3 hours ago, Leihla_B said: Then she's not mentally adult enough to have an adult relationship. Are either or both of you neurodivergent? I’m speaking with her at 5:30 when she comes over to tell he Z I’m pretty much done. I can’t keep living like this. No, we both enjoy socialization. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dazedandconfused86 Posted November 21 Author Share Posted November 21 2 hours ago, TheEternalPessimist said: This is so awkward, I'm surprised you're still with her after all this time. I may not be after I talk with her tonight. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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