Girlfriend of 2 years has still not let me see her naked

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

Every time I have considered asking a woman out I always have this notion in the back of my mine that I need to be careful so they don’t think I’m the typical male horn dog with just sex on the mind.

If you push for sex after the first or second date, a woman might think you are a horndog. If the only thing that you ever talk about is sex, a woman might think you are a horndog. If you want to stay in all the time to have sex and you never take a woman out on a date, she might think you are a horndog.

Allowing a relationship to naturally progress to the point that you can talk about, tease each other, and enjoy a healthy sex life with another person - that’s normal healthy relationship/sexual behavior. 

I think you need to remove the word horndog from your vocabulary. And, maybe get back to counselling to learn more about what is a healthy relationship. As was said above, most women like sex - particularly in the early stages of a relationship. It’s called “the infatuation stage” for a reason…
 

[Gebidozo]

 

9 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

While I appreciate the info I just am not sold on the fact women in their 20’s to 30’s are into sex as much as men.

Of course they are. Some people are very much into sex, some people less so. This has nothing to do with gender.
 

9 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

Everything I have been taught and told has bee that men are sex hounds and women need emotional connections, not sex, while men need sex.

You’ve been taught and told a lie.

Most people, regardless of the gender, need sex and emotional connections. The patriarchal indoctrinations that we’ve all been subjected to for the last few thousand years have ingrained gender stereotypes into our minds. Attempting to adhere to them, some men tend to downplay and even hide their desire for emotional connections, while some women tend to downplay and even hide their desire for sex. In reality, most of the time both need both.

Edited November 22 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

Every time I have considered asking a woman out I always have this notion in the back of my mine that I need to be careful so they don’t think I’m the typical male horn dog with just sex on the mind.

There is nothing wrong with being a “horndog” with sex on your mind. What does “just” mean in this context? If you’re lying and misleading a woman who is serious about you, assuring her you want a relationship while in reality you just want to get your rocks off for one night, then yes, that’s bad and you shouldn’t be doing that. But it’s the deception that is immoral here, not the desire for sex. There is nothing wrong with wanting “just sex” if you honestly admit it and if the woman is on the same page. Women also sometimes want just sex, no strings attached.

 

Edited November 22 by Gebidozo

[Dazedandconfused86]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is nothing wrong with being a “horndog” with sex on your mind. What does “just” mean in this context? If you’re lying and misleading a woman who is serious about you, assuring her you want a relationship while in reality you just want to get your rocks off for one night, then yes, that’s bad and you shouldn’t be doing that. But it’s the deception that is immoral here, not the desire for sex. There is nothing wrong with wanting “just sex” if you honestly admit it and if the woman is on the same page. Women also sometimes want just sex, no strings attached.

 

So here’s an update. I spoke with my gf earlier and let her know I wanted to know if she ever intends to be intimate, or if she ever plans to at least go topless or be nude around me. I also told her we needed to have a real conversation about why she is so hesitant to even let me touch her breasts and that as much as I love her, I have needs and they aren’t being met.

she became very uncomfortable “arms crossed” and said she was unsure when she would want to make that next step and that in most relationships that kind of thing takes time. She said she doesn’t feel like we are to the point where she can feel comfortable being nude around me or being intimate. She did say she has had 2 prior sexual partners and regretted both of them and didn’t want to make the same mistake again and wants to wait until it feels right. She asked if it would make me feel better if she let me “quickly touch her breasts”.

I told her that I simply cannot keep going on like this and her flirtatious attitude and remarks like “you almost got to see them” or “god I’m so horny” only to tell me she had to leave and go home and would be “thinking about me in the shower”. I told her that it is best that we simply split up and go our separate ways.

god it hurts because she was absolutely amazing in every other way, and if this wasn’t an issue I’d say she is perfect.

I think I’m going to focus on my career and just not even bother for several years. The pain, frustration, and stress is just not worth a relationship.

She took all of her stuff that she had here at my house and left crying hysterically.

I feel absolutely horrible….

[Sony12]

18 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

So here’s an update. I spoke with my gf earlier and let her know I wanted to know if she ever intends to be intimate, or if she ever plans to at least go topless or be nude around me. I also told her we needed to have a real conversation about why she is so hesitant to even let me touch her breasts and that as much as I love her, I have needs and they aren’t being met.

she became very uncomfortable “arms crossed” and said she was unsure when she would want to make that next step and that in most relationships that kind of thing takes time. She said she doesn’t feel like we are to the point where she can feel comfortable being nude around me or being intimate. She did say she has had 2 prior sexual partners and regretted both of them and didn’t want to make the same mistake again and wants to wait until it feels right. She asked if it would make me feel better if she let me “quickly touch her breasts”.

I told her that I simply cannot keep going on like this and her flirtatious attitude and remarks like “you almost got to see them” or “god I’m so horny” only to tell me she had to leave and go home and would be “thinking about me in the shower”. I told her that it is best that we simply split up and go our separate ways.

god it hurts because she was absolutely amazing in every other way, and if this wasn’t an issue I’d say she is perfect.

I think I’m going to focus on my career and just not even bother for several years. The pain, frustration, and stress is just not worth a relationship.

She took all of her stuff that she had here at my house and left crying hysterically.

I feel absolutely horrible….

Are you sure she isn't secretary in the closet?

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry that you are hurting but it's for the best. She is very uptight about sex and chances are she just does not like it, that's why she delays and delays. She sounds very juvenile. You don't want a life of begging for sex, you're not 16. You're a grown man looking for a body & soul connection.

If you want to live like a hermit from here it's your business but if l were you l would look into deprogramming my brain of those false beleives that women don't need or enjoy sex. You know you've been taught a lot of wrong information so time for you to educate yourself properly. 

[Dazedandconfused86]

16 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Are you sure she isn't secretary in the closet?

I’m not sure what that even means.

[Sony12]

7 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

I’m not sure what that even means.

It means she secretly prefers intimacy with women.

[Dazedandconfused86]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sorry that you are hurting but it's for the best. She is very uptight about sex and chances are she just does not like it, that's why she delays and delays. She sounds very juvenile. You don't want a life of begging for sex, you're not 16. You're a grown man looking for a body & soul connection.

If you want to live like a hermit from here it's your business but if l were you l would look into deprogramming my brain of those false beleives that women don't need or enjoy sex. You know you've been taught a lot of wrong information so time for you to educate yourself properly. 

Where would you recommend I try to reprogram my brain with real world needs of women?

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

said she was unsure when she would want to make that next step and that in most relationships that kind of thing takes time.

It’s been two years… you’ve given it time.

The two of you are simply not compatible. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing ending it, OP. 

If she isn't even remotely comfortable with any sort of intimacy after two years, it's likely not ever going to happen.  You two were just not right for each other. 

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

While I appreciate the info I just am not sold on the fact women in their 20’s to 30’s are into sex as much as men. Everything I have been taught and told has bee that men are sex hounds and women need emotional connections, not sex, while men need sex.

If you've always lived in the same area and if that's considered the norm there, then the odds of you encountering evidence to the contrary are low. It might be worth your while to do some traveling (if you can afford to) or to try to read/watch material that you ordinarily wouldn't.

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

god it hurts because she was absolutely amazing in every other way, and if this wasn’t an issue I’d say she is perfect.

 

It's hard to believe that she was "amazing" or "perfect" in any other way.  This is a pretty big issue.  This is not some footnote to anotherwise great relationship.  Without intimacy, you have no relationship.  The way she has been acting is absolutely ridiculous and immature.  You 100% did the right thing.  Breakups are sad but I hope you don't feel too bad about it for too long.  This woman was a complete waste of your time and not the right person for you.  Most people would have broken up with her a long time ago and not put up with this for so long.

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

god it hurts because she was absolutely amazing in every other way, and if this wasn’t an issue I’d say she is perfect.

I can’t fathom how anyone can call a girlfriend who has been refusing intimacy for 2 years (!) amazing and nearly perfect.

You did the right thing. Take some time to heal, and then start dating women who aren’t asexual and who are genuinely into you.

[Els]

On 11/21/2024 at 6:55 AM, Dazedandconfused86 said:

I’m 38 I’ve been with my 33 year old girlfriend  for just over two years and we love each other dearly. We have nearly everything in common, get along amazingly, and love being with each other. We kiss passionately, hug, hold hands, and cuddle but that is it. I have literally not even seen her bras other than when she bends over to pick something up. I divorced my ex 6 years ago due to having no sex life for 7 solid years of our 15 years together

If you started dating your ex at 17, and married her, it sounds like you're in quite a different cultural demographic from most of the people here. Are you by any chance very traditional/conservative, and meeting women who are also very traditional/conservative? Or are you both very religious, perhaps?

I grew up in a very conservative culture and moved to one of the most liberal cultures in the world, so I guess I've seen quite the gamut. Yes, some people are still waiting for marriage to have sex - I personally know quite a few of those. But also, yes, some people are having sex with a person they met the same day. Generally the key here is compatibility - people tend to be most compatible with other people who have roughly similar worldviews to themselves. There are lots of women who like having sex early in a relationship, but you'd have to seek women with those worldviews, and also be okay with everything else that it entails - for instance, a woman close to your age who regularly has sex during the early dating phase would probably have over 50 previous sexual partners by now. There's nothing at all wrong with that, but you'd need to be able to accept that and reconcile it with your own, very different, worldview.

Quote

While I appreciate the info I just am not sold on the fact women in their 20’s to 30’s are into sex as much as men. Everything I have been taught and told has bee that men are sex hounds and women need emotional connections, not sex, while men need sex.

There are plenty of women in their 20s and 30s who are into sex as much as men, or more. They do have requirements of their own, though, even if they don't necessarily need emotional connection to have sex - e.g. a skilled and generous lover, or a very attractive lover, etc.

The things you have been taught are very typical of a conservative mindset. My own parents have said the exact same things, and they actually believed in them. A good life lesson is that not everything you were taught is correct.

Edited Friday at 08:10 PM by Els

[Els]

18 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

Where would you recommend I try to reprogram my brain with real world needs of women?

You can start by reading sex-positive literature. "She comes first" by Ian Kerner and "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski are both highly recommended. While I don't necessarily agree with every single thing mentioned in those books, they are good primers for a man just starting to learn about female sexuality. There's a ton of blogs and writing online by female sex educators, too.

In general, the main things that you need to know are (1) there are definitely women who like sex out there, but you'll need an open mind, and (2) how female sexual pleasure works, broadly speaking (hint: your penis is usually not the focus here).

[Dazedandconfused86]

18 hours ago, Els said:

You can start by reading sex-positive literature. "She comes first" by Ian Kerner and "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski are both highly recommended. While I don't necessarily agree with every single thing mentioned in those books, they are good primers for a man just starting to learn about female sexuality. There's a ton of blogs and writing online by female sex educators, too.

In general, the main things that you need to know are (1) there are definitely women who like sex out there, but you'll need an open mind, and (2) how female sexual pleasure works, broadly speaking (hint: your penis is usually not the focus here).

Thank you so much for the 2 replies. Yes I am of the conservative mindset and have been raised/taught as such. I’ve also lived in this same area all of my life.

she actually came over last night to get the last of her stuff. As soon as she came in, she grabbed me and gave me the most passionate and deep kiss I’ve ever gotten in my life. She said she is sorry for what she has put me through and if I give her another chance, she is more than ready to go to the next stage. I told her I didn’t think that was appropriate at this point. She proceeded to say she would do whatever it takes to save the relationship and then she loves me more than life itself. I told her that I love her as well, which is why this hurts so much, but it needs to happen. She spent the next 10 minutes begging me to not break up with her and kept saying we can make it better and she will do whatever I want.

It was extremely difficult, but I helped her load up the last of her items and had her leave. She has been texting me and calling non-stop since last night including sending me pictures of her breasts which is a bit irritating at this point. I don’t know what she’s thinking.

I’ve been thinking over the last several weeks and more intensely the last 48 hours about this whole ordeal. I’ve seen how my parents relationship has deteriorated, and I’ve seen countless others that have been cheated on and the constant stress a relationship can cause. I have experienced the stress and pain in a relationship’s first hand as well. As a result, I honestly think it’s best if I just stay single for the foreseeable future. I’m going to focus on my career which is reaching new heights recently with me being promoted to COO of a large local power company.

Staying single means I don’t have to worry about another person, and the stress of if they will cheat, when they will cheat, or the overall complexity of a relationship. Sex is not really the be all, end all of life. I mean in all honesty I haven’t had sex in nearly 10 years and I’m still alive. I think another 5, 10, 15, etc years is not a large issue either. Life has so much more to offer than just sex and relationships with women.

I want to thank you all for your help and opening my eyes to this. I appreciate you all more than words can express.

Edited Saturday at 04:14 PM by Dazedandconfused86

[smackie9]

Maybe she's not a woman at all. Trans? Would explain a lot.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

She said she is sorry for what she has put me through and if I give her another chance, she is more than ready to go to the next stage.

You don’t want to be with someone who is only agreeing to have sex out of a fear that she must - to keep the relationship. That’s a recipe for disaster.

There is nothing wrong with being single, but staying single for the next 5-10-15 years  is not the answer either. Sure, relationships are complicated and they don’t always end well. But, they can also bring infinite joy and satisfaction. I wouldn’t be so quick to write off relationship because you’ve had some bad experiences. With the right person, relationships can bring so much joy to your life… but, you have to pick wisely!! One may say, to love and be loved is what matters most in this life. 

[Els]

5 hours ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

I told her that I love her as well, which is why this hurts so much, but it needs to happen.

It's good that you stuck to your guns. The kind of sex that she's offering you would make many people uncomfortable, including myself. I just hope that you did it kindly - FWIW, I don't think she did anything wrong, she's just incompatible with you. She would be more suited to a relationship with a similarly conservative person that would probably progress to marriage quite quickly, and you're not that person. On the other hand, you have so much to explore and experience for yourself, and you're free to do that now.

I actually think it's a good idea for you to be single for some time. You were in LTRs for most of your life, so taking time to focus on your career and discovering yourself now isn't a bad idea at all.

All the best.

[Gaeta]

Tell her to stop contacting you and to respect herself by not sending nude pictures. Between you and l, l do not beleive she had sexual relationships before, she is really behaving and reacting like a teenage girl.

To me you're contradicting yourself when you say you're ok with a life with no sex but you breakup with her for exactly that, not having sex. 

Romantic relationships with the right partner are extremely rewarding and satisfying. Maybe it's not in your cards for now. Use this time to break out of your shell.

[ShyViolet]

Wow, your now-ex really has a lot of issues.  You did the right thing in not giving in to her attempts to desperately throw herself at you.  She is obviously not ready for a mature, adult relationship and she should just be honest with people and admit that rather than waste people's time with this crazy behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

You were right to stick with your decision, OP. 

She's only throwing herself at you now because she's desperate. That is a recipe for disaster even if you had caved and agreed to try again. She would have regretted it and it's not a healthy way to reconnect with someone. 

You will eventually find happiness with a woman who is ready for a mature relationship. This one is not.