falling apart

[oldschool83]

Hi everyone...I don't know where to even begin....it feels like everything I've worked towards is falling apart...been with my gf just shy of 2 years now. she's on anti-depressants and says it affects her sex drive (understandable)...I try to be supportive and encourage communication and building on intimacy in other ways.

earlier this summer i found pics on our computer that she didn't realize had synced up with from her phone...it crushed me...there was sexy pics dated from when were together for about 8 months (these pics never had been sent to me) as well as pics of other guys (while we have been together and before)...I asked about it and she said she took them to feel sexier about herself...ok...I guess that could be a maybe, and when I questioned certain pics I saw, she insisted there was no such thing (even though I know what I saw)...fast forward a few months I questioned a relationship she has with a "friend" in another city because one of the pics on the computer was from him, she insisted that she had the screenshot of the snap to tell him that's not appropriate (i didn't buy that)..she handed me her phone and told me to check their chats to see that they just send memes back and forth...I scrolled up to where there was text convo around the time she was guna visit his city for a movie convention (we were both going to attend, but I could no longer due to work...thankfully she ended up not going)...as soon as i questioned a comment he made about a hotel party and visit just between the two of them and not to answer right away, she got defensive and snatched the phone and put it away...this was a massive red flag for me...if she wasn't doing anything wrong, it would've been a simple convo and not become a fight..it bugged me for days...so when she went to a friends, I did something I never thought id do in a relationship...i went through her social media messages on her tablet...turns out those pics were definitely not for her...they went to about 4 different guys, one video she unsent to a guy (as per his comment, he still saw it)...it was the day before my nephews 3rd bday this past august...she sent it when i was upstairs in bed...it took me a few days to process my thoughts without flying into a fit of rage...then when I confronted her about it, I still blew up out of hurt and anger...before finding out about this, we had talked about marriage and kids (I was so in love)...she blocked 2 of the guys I mentioned specifically...i left out the other names because 1. she hadn't talked to the other 2 guys in about 6 months 2. I wanted to see if she would look for other offending convos and block those guys as well as a show of commitment to us....she hadn't....within days after she went back to acting lovey and talking about the future together....I've felt numb...kissing has become a chore, not a point of excitement any longer....I stayed because I know that relationships can be hard and take work, especially if the person you love has had past trauma...i guess in the end, I just want to be shown the same effort and care I give...yesterday I tried to spark some spicy interaction for us throughout the day...it was essentially ignored...abit later she went for a shower...so I thought ok tonight before bed I can surprise her with a blindfold or something...I notice she had used her toy instead that day...I get it that sometimes its easier to just do it yourself...but it felt like a snub all the same...I tried to talk about it in bed, she was reading her book...I wanted to gently bring it up vs making it an accusation...my questions/comments were basically brushed off as the best she would do is slightly look over her shoulder to answer me while still reading her book...I told her that I had been trying to engage with her all day...she responded with maybe tomorrow and rubbed my leg, then turned over back to her book...it feels like she's only with me for the convenience of having someone to take care of her no matter what while she seeks attention/validation from other guys (no idea if she still is, but my implicit trust is no more...something ive been trying to rebuild)...she still calls me "baby" or "my love"...frankly it feels like an empty sentiment...I don't know what to do anymore...on top of it she admitted this summer that she had in fact slept with another guy when we started dating...which also didn't add of from when she told me it happened and what she told someone else in a message....is this even worth trying for anymore...or should I cut my losses and accept that I'll never find a woman that genuinely cares for me and it committed to me

[Mrin]

First off, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks. Big time. I went through this once and it kinda screwed me up for a while relationship-wise. I didn't like who I became and I resolved to never let that happen again. 

So I made a new policy for myself. Simply put: if, for any reason, I lose trust in a woman I'm dating I immediately end the relationship. Period. Full stop. And I am very open about this with women who I date and expect the same from them. Full and complete trust in your partner is so critical for me that I never want to be without it. I would rather be alone than to be in relationship with a woman I don't fully trust. 

Now, it has been many years since I adopted this policy and I've only had to exercise it once. Every other woman I've dated has been impeccable in the trust department. So don't fret about not finding a woman who genuinely cares and is committed to you. I'm telling you brother, there are some incredible women out there. You just need to find them. 

Another thing to think about: we teach people how to treat us. You're doing it right now with your GF. The fact that you're still in a relationship with her and allowing her to treat you like this speaks volumes. What message are you really sending her? What are you teaching her right now about how to treat you? You are telling her through your actions that it is okay to treat you this way and you'll put up with it. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, oldschool83 said:

is this even worth trying for anymore...or should I cut my losses

I think you should cut your losses. Her insincerity and lack of sexual interest in you would be reasons enough. But the fact that she refuses even to discuss those grave issues, let alone change, speaks volumes.

 

6 hours ago, oldschool83 said:

accept that I'll never find a woman that genuinely cares for me and it committed to me

That’s a totally illogical conclusion. You should probably accept that she doesn’t genuinely care for you and isn’t committed to you. This has absolutely nothing to do with other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Cut your losses and get rid of this one. 

You can't trust her. Once that is gone, the relationship is over. She is sneaky and disrespects you and your relationship, whichi s a recipe for disaster even if you did try to stay and overlook her betrayal. This isn't going to end well so you might as well preserve your dignity and kick her to the curb now. 

[smackie9]

You will find a woman that genuinely cares for you...the one you are with obviously doesn't. I say cut your losses...you are being blind...open your eyes, listen to what you gut is telling you.

[MsJayne]

Yes, cut your losses, two years isn't that long. There are millions of good women out there, no need to waste your life pandering to someone who devalues you and makes you feel insignificant.