I spoke to a female eriend I had not talked to/seen in years, now I feel down, is this normal?

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm a guy and I used to go to high school with a girl, we can call her Emily for the purpose of this discussion. Emily and I went to the same school from 2006 to 2011 and we stayed in touch sporadically after that up until 2016 or so. I say sporadically because for a while she didn't have Facebook or a cellphone so we communicated via email as if we were in 2000. Eventually that didn't really work out because she didn't respond regularly but later on she got a cellphone around 2016 and started dating this older guy who had kids. I didn't really like that and we weren't talking often anyways so we gradually cut ties and then in 2018 I moved out of North America to Europe where I still live today. I haven't been back to North American and the city where I lived before nor do I necessarily plan to come back even for a visit.

Fast forward to now in 2024, I was on Facebook about 2 weeks ago and I see Emily's profile appear in my friend suggestions list so I sent her a message and she happily responded, telling me she finally got Facebook after 15 years, said 'of course I remember you (my nickname)' and said she wanted to hear from me again now so we arranged a call and spoke last night for over an hour. The call went well for the most part although looking back I realized I interrupted her a bit too often and feel bad about it. I also laughed a lot about a high school anecdote that Emily didn't seem to find funny at all so that made it awkward. I'm also always afraid of saying or asking something inappropriate. As opposed to my early 20s, I barely have any friends today and interacting with anyone for over an hour has become a rarity for me so I guess me interrupting came from the excitement of the situation but looking back it feels like I did most of the talking and it annoyed me a little bit. We spoke at length about some common high school memories we have together, back in the day we went clubbing a couple of times, for instance. I found out that she has a new boyfriend now and that they bought a house together which I congratulated her for. We agreed to talk again eventually at some point and that was the end of it. I went to sleep shortly after because it was already 1 am on my side of the world by the time the call ended.

It's been about 24 hours since the call now and I woke up this morning feeling down, I spent most of the day thinking about it. I can't quite explain why, I just know it doesn't make any sense and I can't put my finger on it, maybe it's nostalgia maybe it's something else but either way it's unpleasant. Is this normal? Have you ever felt this way after talking to someone who lives far away and who you haven't spoken to in years? I guess I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to handle this going forward, I hope I'm not alone in the way I feel.

Just to be clear, we've never kissed or dated and I'm not interested in her in that way. There were plenty of opportunities over the years to make a move had I really wanted to but it just never felt right.

[MsJayne]

Maybe you're experiencing a sense of loss. Talking to Emily raised the past and probably heightened your awareness of being so far from what was once home, and also the fact  that she has a significant other may have left you with a sense that time has marched on. I'm guessing you're in your early thirties, and this is an age where many people start settling down with a partner, buying a home, planning a family, etc, and maybe Emily telling you about committing to buying a house with her guy has made you feel left behind. Even if you choose to be single and focus on career, buy property alone, etc, you can be left feeling a sense of loss when you see others enjoying coupledom and reaching life milestones together.  

[TheEternalPessimist]

I'm definitely experiencing something "traumatic", I just can't quite explain it to myself let alone here. Yes, we are both 30 now, I forgot to specify that. We went to high school together from the ages of 12 to 17 and then stayed in touch until we were in our early 20s before going on this 7-8 year long hiatus.

I'm actually not really bothered by her reaching life milestones, in fact I'm very happy for her. Obviously at the same time it makes me wonder where this is all going for me but we talked aout that. It's weird because now I want us to hang out again and I know it might never happen or that it might take several more years. I did tell her she was welcomed to stay at my place if she comes visiting though if she gets a kid soon (her sister has two kids) then obviously this will delay everything else. 

On a sidenote, I had other friends reach life milestones and it didn't make me feel awkward or lesser. My best friend (a guy) got married at 22 and got twins at 25. 

Edited Thursday at 08:21 PM by TheEternalPessimist

[ShyViolet]

I don't think your feeling down has to do with her.  Maybe you've been feeling down because this conversation reminded you of your issue with being socially awkward and your issues with struggling to make friends.  It sounds like you're feeling the discomfort of how the conversation went a little awkwardly.  Nothing to do with her as a friend.  I would let this be a sign that you should find a way to work on those issues.

[TheEternalPessimist]

5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think your feeling down has to do with her.  Maybe you've been feeling down because this conversation reminded you of your issue with being socially awkward and your issues with struggling to make friends.  It sounds like you're feeling the discomfort of how the conversation went a little awkwardly.  Nothing to do with her as a friend.  I would let this be a sign that you should find a way to work on those issues.

Well I didn't feel down before talking to her and reconnecting with her.

[Leihla_B]

On 11/21/2024 at 1:16 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

I realized I interrupted her a bit too often and feel bad about it. ... I guess me interrupting came from the excitement of the situation but looking back it feels like I did most of the talking and it annoyed me a little bit.

I hear. I've done my share of backward censorship where my behavior seemed okay at the time, but things like you've raised will bother me, too.

I'd send friend a followup message thanking her for the call. I'd tell her that I really enjoyed this time with her. Thinking back, I realize I was so excited that I interrupted her a lot and did most of the talking. I'm sorry for this, and I promise more self-control next time we speak.

Raising things that bother me about my behavior keeps me accountable and helps me to improve going forward. It demonstrates to my friends that I'm aware that I could have been more gracious to them. This also stops these things from nagging at me.

[TheEternalPessimist]

5 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I hear. I've done my share of backward censorship where my behavior seemed okay at the time, but things like you've raised will bother me, too.

I'd send friend a followup message thanking her for the call. I'd tell her that I really enjoyed this time with her. Thinking back, I realize I was so excited that I interrupted her a lot and did most of the talking. I'm sorry for this, and I promise more self-control next time we speak.

Raising things that bother me about my behavior keeps me accountable and helps me to improve going forward. It demonstrates to my friends that I'm aware that I could have been more gracious to them. This also stops these things from nagging at me.

I thought about sending a follow-up message but I also don't want to overdo it. Maybe she didn't even feel annoyed and this is just me speculating.

My behavior is not the only thing nagging at me right now. 

[Leihla_B]

12 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

I thought about sending a follow-up message but I also don't want to overdo it. Maybe she didn't even feel annoyed and this is just me speculating.

My behavior is not the only thing nagging at me right now. 

I understand. A mentor I admired taught me to do this, and it has served me well. Overdoing it would be asking for another conversation, but I keep my 'thank you' followups short and sweet. Funny thing is, these often prompt the other person to respond with a suggestion to meet again.

What else is nagging at you?

Edited 20 hours ago by Leihla_B

[TheEternalPessimist]

9 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

I understand. A mentor I admired taught me to do this, and it has served me well. Overdoing it would be asking for another conversation, but I keep my 'thank you' followups short and sweet. Funny thing is, these often prompt the other person to respond with a suggestion to meet again.

What else is nagging at you?

Feeling so down after the conversation even now almost 3 days later. 

[Leihla_B]

4 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Feeling so down after the conversation even now almost 3 days later. 

Yes, you've said that, but what are you down about?

You're the only one who can tell us this, we can't tell you.

[flitzanu]

On 11/21/2024 at 12:16 PM, TheEternalPessimist said:

. I say sporadically because for a while she didn't have Facebook or a cellphone so we communicated via email as if we were in 2000. Eventually that didn't really work out because she didn't respond regularly but later on she got a cellphone around 2016 and started dating this older guy who had kids. I didn't really like that and we weren't talking often anyways so we gradually cut ties

this either sounds passive-aggressive or like you actually do have some unresolved interest in a romantic way, especially the part about not liking her dating an older guy, that sounds like jealousy.  you said you don't have romantic interest, but it's quite curious why you included these statements about her being slow to respond and not liking her dating.

maybe that's why you're sad.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, I don't get this. Sounds to me like you have some romantic feelings--or had some romantic feelings or fantasies--about her. I am not saying you now want to get romantically involved with her. I'm saying it sounds like part of the challenge of really connecting with her on the call was that you have some deep feelings that you aren't quite identifying. 

Sounds to me also that you are out of practice for conversations of this sort. Believe it or not, conversations like this one do benefit from some practice. So for example, you are really critical of what you said and how much you talked during the conversation. Nothing wrong with someone doing most of the talking. Sounds to me though that you never made clear your goal or your feelings towards her. 

For example, I had a friend from graduate school, a woman, that I was really close to. I haven't talked to her in 20 years. If and when I do talk to her, I know I will tell her how much she meant to be during this particular period of my life. She and I were really only friends, and yet I could flirt with her and tell her how beautiful her legs looked in shorts. I think she is the only woman friend in my life that I could flirt with and still stay in friend mode with. And I could just about tell her anything. We sometimes got together and giggled like little kids giggled. There was just some kind of deep and effortless trust that we had for each other. If I were to talk to this friend, I would definitely want to articulate how special my friendship with her was--and how fun it was, how playful it was--during a key period of my life. If I wasn't able to make my appreciation clear, then I'm not sure the conversation would have a chance to go anywhere. Now she could also (in this future conversation) take a lead. 

So it seems to me that neither of you got down to the juice, to the real and deep and wonderful feelings you had for each other during these five years of high school. And look, sometimes even if you do share the real feelings (deep platonic in this case) it's still possible for the other person to be distant. 

I get your angst. It can be maddening to have a conversation with someone from the past that leaves you unsatisfied and yet unclear about what was so unsatisfying. My theory above is only a guess. Sometimes unsatisfying connections just happen. 

 

In any case, ease up. You are grading your conversation too harshly. 

 

[TheEternalPessimist]

10 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Yes, you've said that, but what are you down about?

You're the only one who can tell us this, we can't tell you.

I don't really know, I can't explain it and that's the messed up part. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

8 hours ago, flitzanu said:

this either sounds passive-aggressive or like you actually do have some unresolved interest in a romantic way, especially the part about not liking her dating an older guy, that sounds like jealousy.  you said you don't have romantic interest, but it's quite curious why you included these statements about her being slow to respond and not liking her dating.

maybe that's why you're sad.

I just didn't think it was appropriate for a than 22 year old to date a guy in his late 30s with kids, it made me feel uneasy. Either way, they are no longer together so that's a non-issue and it as nothing to do with how I feel now. I included the part about being slow to respond to explain how and why we drifted away even before I moved away despite being super close.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's quite obvious: you do have a crush on her, and you were sad to realize it won't amount to more. 

She is happy with her life and her partner, it seems, so this talk was a confirmation that you and she will remain only friends. It seems to me that you have been harbouring latent hope that you could maybe spark something with her, and have been disappointed to learn it's not going to go that way. 

Edited 9 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[TheEternalPessimist]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it's quite obvious: you do have a crush on her, and you were sad to realize it won't amount to more. 

She is happy with her life and her partner, it seems, so this talk was a confirmation that you and she will remain only friends. It seems to me that you have been harbouring latent hope that you could maybe spark something with her, and have been disappointed to learn it's not going to go that way. 

Did you even bother reading my post? I am fine with us remaining only friends, in fact we've always only been friends so this is not the issue. I would have to be a complete moron to think the way you think I'm thinking. If I wanted something with her, I wouldn't have left in 2018 to focus on my career and life abroad. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, TheEternalPessimist said:

Did you even bother reading my post?

Yes, I read all of it. 

I stand by my opinion. 

[TheEternalPessimist]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I read all of it. 

I stand by my opinion. 

So I'm in love with my friend and to make things easier for me and in hopes of having a relationship with her (despite us not communicating at all by 2018), I decide to move to another continent several years after we had stopped seeing each other? Yep, makes perfect sense. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Moving to another continent doesn't mean you don't still have lingering feelings for her. You can have a crush despite logisitics. I am not sure why you think those are mutually exclusive.

I also live abroad (in Italy, from North America) so I it's not like I don't know how you're feeling being so far away. I get it better than most here, because I have that in common with you. 

Deep breath, man. Why so defensive? I am not sure why you're so offended by some of us assuming you like this woman. What's so bad about that? 

Edited 8 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[TheEternalPessimist]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Moving to another continent doesn't mean you don't still have lingering feelings for her. You can have a crush despite logisitics. I am not sure why you think those are mutually exclusive.

I also live abroad (in Italy, from North America) so I it's not like I don't know how you're feeling being so far away. I get it better than most here, because I have that in common with you. 

Deep breath, man. Why so defensive? I am not sure why you're so offended by some of us assuming you like this woman. What's so bad about that? 

If I had lingering feelings, I had at least 10 years or so to act on them but I didn't because I never had any so either I'm a complete moron for not acting on those alleged feelings AND moving abroad thus killing off any chance of anything happening or you don't know what you're talking about. 

I get offended because it's a distraction and an attempt to derail the discussion instead of focusing on the issue.