Long distance feeling one sided - do I take a wait and see approach here?

[Insignificantdetails]

We've been together for 1.5 years and long distance for the last six months. We are three hours apart.

For the first few months, the visits were about equal. Then I started visiting him more because I have a mostly remote job and he is a professor who needs to be on campus half the time. We also had a lovely holiday together in October.

This month we haven't met at all due to his deadlines and a family illness on my side. It's been hard but we've kept in touch via phone calls and daily messages.

Thankfully he said he would finish his schedule at the start of December then visit me for a week. 

Out of nowhere tonight he says the head of department was moving schedules around and he has had to submit something to ensure he gets the time off or the visit will be ruined. I said I'm glad he got it sorted and he said 'not yet but hopefully.'

For me, it isn't an option not to see each other for an additional month. I'm not ok with it. Should I say something now or see if the schedule is approved first? 

Edited Thursday at 09:57 PM by Insignificantdetails

[S2B]

You know - if he wants to he will find a way to come see you.

if it goes any longer I think you should understand he’s really not making the effort to come see you.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B this is what I think/feel.

We've had one fight in our relationship (by phone) and he came to see me the next day before going back for work the next day. Took him 3 hours to get here.

I love him so much and feel he is great husband and probably great father material too (if we were nearby). I want it to work out. But I don't want to be the one doing all the running or visiting.

[ShyViolet]

Why did the relationship switch to long distance, and is there any plan for either of you to move closer so it won't continue to be long distance?

[Insignificantdetails]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why did the relationship switch to long distance, and is there any plan for either of you to move closer so it won't continue to be long distance?

Hi @ShyViolet 

We met in my city when he was completing a PhD. He  lived here for five years and then he was offered an amazing tenure track position 3 hours south of here. It's academia and tough to come by these positions so would have been nuts to pass it up.

If anyone moves it will need to be me. The issue is I have my family and a strong support network of friends here. We have not made a plan yet.

In the short term we agreed to take turns visiting but his 'turn' is increasingly less frequent. When I stay with him it's for 1-2 weeks.

Edited Thursday at 11:41 PM by Insignificantdetails

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Insignificantdetails said:

If anyone moves it will need to be me. The issue is I have my family and a strong support network of friends here. 

In the short term we agreed to take turns visiting but his 'turn' is increasingly less frequent. When I stay with him it's for 1-2 weeks.

If you don't genuinely see the possibility of you moving to be closer to him soon, like within a year, then this relationship is a waste of time.  You are clearly seeing the effects of how tiresome and draining a long distance relationship can be.  It shouldn't go on indefinitely like this.

[Insignificantdetails]

@ShyVioletin the interim I do feel he should be making more effort. We are one 3 hour train ride apart. His schedule is demanding but he could come on a Friday and leave on Sunday. I want to ensure that I'm in an equitable relationship before moving anywhere.

In theory I would be willing to move within the year. My reluctance is not about my feelings towards him. I lived abroad for years so for the last 5 years I have loved being near my family and friends again. I also co-run a small theatre which brings me a lot of joy.

This life would be hard to leave behind. On the other hand, I miss him so much when we are apart. Food for thought.

Edited Thursday at 11:55 PM by Insignificantdetails

[S2B]

Let him come to you next.

he doesn’t seem to prioritize it - so wait it out.

looks like you care more than he does. Just wait and see if he gets more consistent in making effort.

In the meantime I would stay super busy if I were you - he may be taking you for granted.

it looks like you’re willing to make effort for him - but has he even asked you?

Edited Friday at 12:47 AM by S2B

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B thanks. I think you're right. My mum even advised I should visit more! Because he's busy but I'm busy too. It feels wrong for me to make yet another visit, without him reciprocating.

The irony is I feel he was the more invested one before the move. He definitely sold it to me, saying we'd take turns making the effort and make it work. He said he was happy to travel.

I think he has underestimated the pressure of his new role but even if that's the case, I'm not willing to be kicked to the bottom of the priority rung on the ladder.

He hasn't asked me to move there yet.

Edited Friday at 12:57 AM by Insignificantdetails

[S2B]

So he hasn’t asked you to move and he isn’t making extreme effort to see you more often.

can you see it looks like this is fizzling on his end?

when any man WANTS to- he makes the effort.

every day for 3 years when I dated my soon to be husband - he stayed in the same town as me and drove 90 minutes to his job. Then drove 90 minutes back to be sure and see me every day.

he did that drive even after we married…for ten years.

when a man wants to see you often they figure out how to - nothing gets in their way.

you say you want to stay - but what for? For no time and attention from him?

start by making less effort for him - let him know you plan to be busy making other plans since he can’t see you.

he's probably doing the slow fade.

I had a friend - her guy would get on a plane every Friday to spend the weekend with her. Every weekend he would fly to the other coast.

this guy isn’t making effort for you.

stop allowing him to think his effort is ok - it’s really not ok. You could be out dating someone else every weekend. 

He’s not invested…an invested guy would travel to you every damn weekend!

Edited Friday at 02:58 AM by S2B

[Leihla_B]

6 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said:

Should I say something now or see if the schedule is approved first? 

I can only speak for myself. I'd pull back on my own efforts and any pressure on him. Otherwise, I'd deprive myself of valuable information.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B I actually don't think he is doing the slow fade. But I could be wrong.

He contacts me multiple times a day and when I am visiting, he is totally present. We go on trips together, shopping, he cooks for me, and tends to my comfort/happiness. 

But before we started this he said we could work from each others home when possible - I do this, so far he hasn't done this since moving.

I need to find out why, but as @Leihla_Bsays for now I need to be leaning back right now.

Edited Friday at 07:25 AM by Insignificantdetails

[petee]

It sounds to me that there needs to be a bit more give for now, from you. You've mentioned that he's in a fantastic job for his field and it just sounds like the hurdles are popping up all over...for now. Nothing is forever, so maybe cut the guy some slack?

What I don't see helping is an ultimatum. If its too much then cut and run, and if you can wait for a quieter time then it could be that the relationship gets to marriage.

[NuevoYorko]

I am agreeing with the above.  I do not recommend an ultimatum or any kinds of demands at this juncture.   

There are a lot of people, some on this board I believe, who had long and difficult separations from their partner when one of them was in a particularly demanding career phase. 

I think what is really important is that you both are on the same page regarding the future.   If you're "dating" maybe this is not the right situation.   I can see that.  But if you BOTH are solidly future planning then you both should be able to manage this period of disruption.

Where are you at with your future plans?  

[S2B]

What is the plan for the Thanksgiving weekend? 
who is traveling if you are to spend it together?

[Insignificantdetails]

@petee and @NuevoYorko thanks for your replies in a similar vein.

The truth is we haven't planned. I said I was keen to plan and discuss the future this month, and he asked me to wait until his work calms down in January.

In theory I am willing to make the move to him but I can't do it right away. You raise a great point - we aren't working towards anything concrete now, always just 'next time'.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B we aren't Americans so we don't have one/won't meet that weekend. We're in the UK.

Edited Friday at 05:15 PM by Insignificantdetails

[S2B]

Are you upset that he could ask you to move to his area - yet he hasn’t as of now?

[Leihla_B]

What does he claim are his reasons for not traveling to you on any weekends?

[Insignificantdetails]

@Leihla_Bat the moment he is also working weekends, lesson planning etc apparently. 

However, I'm going to ask him why he can't do this from my place. He told me he would work from my place and he hasn't. I need him to do this more next year is the relationship is to grow.

In October we saw each other for two weekends and an extra 5 days of me working at his home. We were on city breaks in different places.

[Insignificantdetails]

@S2B honestly, yes a little. I don't really want to be asking him if he wants me to move there - I'd prefer he asked.

Edited Friday at 05:37 PM by Insignificantdetails

[S2B]

No, do t ask if he wants you to move there.

the fact that he hasn’t brought it up shows that’s not on his mind right now.

[NuevoYorko]

57 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

@S2B honestly, yes a little. I don't really want to be asking him if he wants me to move there - I'd prefer he asked.

I don't think it's that important who asks this question.  The crucial thing is that the two of you should be moving towards a common goal at this stage, or else not subjecting yourselves to a relationship that is very challenging to conduct.  

The fact that this question:  "Where is all of this leading?" is not currently on the table seems to me to be concerning.   Also I don't know why you are supposed to talk about it in January.   If you are not both on the same page, why would you choose to keep on the current path for another 2 months?

Believe me, I know it would be a very tough conversation with a risk of ending the relationship.  But, 1.5 years is really enough time for each of you to know what you are wanting out of it.

 

[petee]

Sorry, you’re using words that flag you don’t trust him…‘apparently’.

I think I’ve read enough to confidently say there’s no future with this chap. 
I think it’s time to draw stumps and move on to a happier place.

[Insignificantdetails]

@NuevoYorkoit wasn't my choice to wait until January. I'd rather talk now.

I don't think he's coping very well with the pressures of an intense new job. So he wants to wait until he has headspace. But it's not easy to wait all this time to discuss our future.

At the moment I'm trying to tell the difference between intense pressures that will be relieved so he can visit from a man that loves me and wants to be with me, and someone who may not be very committed/is therefore putting off that conversation.