Long distance feeling one sided - do I take a wait and see approach here?

[Els]

Probably going to be the devil's advocate here, but I can actually understand why it would make sense for you to be the one to travel more often (and also to move) in this situation. Tenure track is the primary goal of virtually every academic's career, and it makes sense to me that the person who can work remotely would be the person to travel and move.

The question here IMO shouldn't be "why is the travel not 50/50", but rather "what is he doing to make up for that?". I don't personally think that literally everything needs to be 50/50 - sometimes circumstances dictate that one person will be doing more of a certain thing, and I think that's fine. The key here, to prevent one-sidedness, is that the other person should be doing other things to balance it out. So, if he can't travel and can't move, what does he do to balance this relationship out? Do you see him making an effort in other ways, or is his effort lukewarm in ALL areas of your relationship?

 

[NuevoYorko]

45 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

 

At the moment I'm trying to tell the difference between intense pressures that will be relieved so he can visit from a man that loves me and wants to be with me, and someone who may not be very committed/is therefore putting off that conversation.

It's not "either / or."  But you yourself don't seem to be coping with this well.   I agree with the poster above who noticed that you are using language that is giving the impression here that you don't entirely trust him or believe that you're both on the same page.

If you were easy going and okay with taking things as they come it could be okay, but you're not and you want him to be proving himself in a way that is evidently not  viable to him under his  current circumstances.

It's not necessarily that he is not very committed, or doesn't care much.  He may simply be maxed out.  

 

 

[Insignificantdetails]

@ElsI mostly agree with this. I am the most mobile and able to work from his. I have done this several times since he moved.

Except there are times it isn't as convenient for me. At the moment I am caring for a relative who is sadly in her final weeks/month. I have to be with family now and hoped he could take a turn visiting. It isn't an option for me to go anywhere this month.

In addition I co-run a local theatre which has a Christmas show coming up. 

In terms of effort, last month he missed a planned FaceTime once which upset me. It didn't happen again after that.

When I actually visit him I have his undivided attention. He makes lovely meals, he's present and thoughtful always.

This is a very difficult time for both of us. His work, my family situation, and knowing being together relieves this but doesn't feel possible.

Edited Friday at 09:47 PM by Insignificantdetails

[Insignificantdetails]

@NuevoYorko thanks for reminding me of the generous interpretation - that he might simple be maxed out. 

In May we discussed how this would work. He said we would take turns visiting and that the travel was easy for him. He hasn't visited me since August, although we've been on other trips or I have visited.

I struggle with the fact we had an agreement and now it isn't happening.

I also want him to spend time with my family and friends occasionally - he will not do this if he never visits. It's about sharing a life together too. That's what I want.

[Els]

10 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said:

In May we discussed how this would work. He said we would take turns visiting and that the travel was easy for him. He hasn't visited me since August, although we've been on other trips or I have visited.

Was this BEFORE he took up the position? I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to know how their new job is going to be before they start. He might well have expected a lower workload than he was faced with.

As for the situation with your family, that's incredibly sad, and I'd hope he'd put in the extra effort to give you support during this time. Personally this is what I'd be focusing on - that this is a really rough month for you, not the "agreement".

At the end of the day,  this sounds like a very salvageable LDR if both of you want it to be. For contrast, I was in a LDR that required a flight across thousands of km in order for either of us to visit, and we couldn't close the distance for 2 years due to education commitments. We made it work, and we've been together for 15 years and are happily married. In your case, you are only 3 hours apart and moving in the near future is technically easy. The question is just whether you feel like this is the right person for you, and it's hard for us to answer that for you.

[S2B]

When he talks with you on the phone - what does he describe he does in his free time? Who is he socializing with now that he’s settled in there?

when he’s not with you - does he send you gifts knowing he’s been absent from being in front of you?

what does he talk about with you - besides his work?

[Leihla_B]

8 hours ago, Els said:

Was this BEFORE he took up the position? I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to know how their new job is going to be before they start. He might well have expected a lower workload than he was faced with.

My thoughts exactly. None of us know exactly what we're signing on for with a new job. I've faced extreme challenges that I'd never anticipated. It would be especially difficult with demands rather than suppoert from loved ones.

[NuevoYorko]

Some people have been very discombobulated by having to work "hybrid" remotely, too. I'm that way.   It's common.  For some of us it's a big challenge to shift gears and be working from home, or someone else's home, and then at the workplace, all at kind of random intervals.   

It's not necessarily a piece of cake and something that a guy would "obviously" offer to do to prove his love.  Not if it throws him off.  

This is not going to be a period of time when the boyfriend will be at his best when it comes to keeping his relationship intentions at the fore.   I'm afraid that it will be up to the OP to take most of the burden of travel and making things happen, relationship-wise, if she wants to keep going.   Unfortunately, they didn't make any future plans in advance of this situation.  So it seems like she will just have to go on faith and / or enjoy the good times when they can happen, if she chooses to hang in there.