Struggling with My Boyfriend's Interest in Non-Monogamy

[lilmeow]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost five years, and recently, something came up that's been really unsettling for me. My boyfriend has two close friends that he's known for a little while—a guy and a girl, both engaged. The day after I met them for the first time, they suggested the possibility of a foursome to my boyfriend. While my boyfriend didn’t agree to it outright, he also didn’t completely dismiss the idea, and he would talk with me about it. He feels as though he wasn’t necessarily opposed. 

 

I’m a monogamous person, and the thought of sharing my partner makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I’ve expressed my concerns to my boyfriend, and while he acknowledges them, he’s also mentioned that he has an interest in non-monogamy due to his past experiences. He’s said he wants to explore these feelings now rather than later in life.

 

To complicate things further, I (female) have never kissed or been with a girl, and my boyfriend has never kissed or been with a guy. We haven't had any dialogue with these friends as a couple yet, so many questions are still unanswered about the dynamics of what anything would look like.

 

We’ve had a strong, healthy relationship, and I trust him deeply, but this situation is making me feel physically sick, especially thinking about watching him being pleasured by others. I’m worried about our future together. My boyfriend has expressed that starting new relationships has excited him in the past, and he had been non-committal in his past relationships. For him, it's an accomplishment to have been with me for so long, and just me. I find women to be attractive, but I've never felt sexual attraction, and in the past we exchanged jokes about including a stranger, but we didn't talk seriously about the idea of bringing in, or being with other people. I know he's going to have more conversations with his friends about their relationships, and learn their dynamics, intimacies and such, and how they make it work. I can't lie that I'm scared due to not feeling at the same growth and acceptance path that he is on.

 

I've always believed in finding one person to be with and have struggled with self-worth issues in the past. I’m scared of losing my boyfriend and also concerned about how this might impact my dreams and the dreams of our families. I know I need to set boundaries, but I’m having a hard time figuring out what those should be and how to communicate them effectively.

 

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you navigate these complex feelings and conversations? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading. ❤️🙏🏼

[Gaeta]

It's the beginning of the end. He told you this is the longest he's been monogamous and now the old habits are knocking at his door. It's clear this is not the world you want to live in, don't. You will get out of this hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lilmeow said:

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Not me, but my dear friend. Her now-ex approached her with the same sort of idea and conversation. 

Notice I refer to him as an ex. They didn't last, and yes, it is what broke them up. She went ahead and dabbled in non-monogamy for his sake, but very much against her own real desires. It was a disaster. She didn't enjoy it, he did, and they had to part ways. He later told her that even if she hadn't gone along with it, he would have ended the relationship since he wanted to be with other people anyway. 

My advice? You and your boyfriend are not compatible anymore. Don't put yourself though this. This isn't about growth and acceptance of his path, really. It's about realizing that he isn't right for you any longer. He wants to explore others, and you don't. That's a dealbreaker for most of us. I wouldn't continue with him, personally. 

1 hour ago, lilmeow said:

he had been non-committal in his past relationships

What does this mean, that he cheated on exes? 

[BaileyB]

You are fundamentally incompatible. 

This is not something that can be negotiated/compromised. I’m very sorry, if it was me, I would end the relationship. 

[ShyViolet]

If it makes you physically sick and you truly don't want to do it, don't compromise on this.  Tell him this is not something you are ok with at all.  So then he has a decision to make.... is he willing to put these desires aside completely and commit to this relationship with you?  Do you feel in your gut that he would cheat if he didn't have an outlet for these desires?

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry but I agree - you are not compatible.   He wants this and it makes you sick.   His wish to do it will interfere with your relationship when you don't.  You certainly should NOT do it because that would be very untrue to YOURSELF and damaging.  

[Gebidozo]

Unfortunately, you two appear to be incompatible in this aspect.

Such things are best discussed in the very beginning of the relationship. Everyone has boundaries and they must be communicated clearly.

 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, lilmeow said:

...this situation is making me feel physically sick,

My heart goes out to you. Follow your gut. Your feelings are valid. Any idea that would make you feel sick can only be compounded into real illness by actual participation.

I would be honest about my feelings, and I'd tell partner that he can take some time to decide what he wants to do.

Beyond this, I would not try to influence his decision, or I'd deprive myself of valuable information. Frankly, in my own mind, I'd have trouble trusting him even if he opts to skip this particular 'opportunity'.  

Write more if it helps.

[smackie9]

I guess he's come to a new point in his life where he wants to explore more sexually...and you don't. This is the end of your relationship as this is his choice to pursue sex with others. 

[Els]

8 hours ago, lilmeow said:

I’m a monogamous person, and the thought of sharing my partner makes me uncomfortable and jealous. I’ve expressed my concerns to my boyfriend, and while he acknowledges them, he’s also mentioned that he has an interest in non-monogamy due to his past experiences. He’s said he wants to explore these feelings now rather than later in life.

---

My boyfriend has expressed that starting new relationships has excited him in the past, and he had been non-committal in his past relationships. For him, it's an accomplishment to have been with me for so long, and just me.

Sorry to hear this. Did he talk about this at the start of your relationship, or did you only just find these things out? 5 years in is VERY late to be finding these things out about your partner. It sounds like a massive waste of time, really, since it's extremely difficult for a monogamous person and a poly person to be in a LTR that is satisfactory to both people.

Either way, I think you should leave now. This is a fundamental incompatibility that will eventually destroy you - even if you cave and allow him to do it this once, it won't be the last. And even if he says he doesn't need to do it now, it will be brought up again eventually.

[lilmeow]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What does this mean, that he cheated on exes? 

Yes, He was in a toxic relationship with a girl in the past before we met. In their relationship, he actively engaged sexually with other people, without her knowing/her consent. He is on a path of growth, he knows cheating is wrong, but he had described this as exciting for him, and if consensual with a partner I believe he'd want to engage in something like that again. But, thinking of that for myself it just isn't something I would want, or had envisioned for myself. 

Edited November 22 by lilmeow

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, lilmeow said:

In their relationship, he actively engaged sexually with other people, without her knowing/her consent.

So yes, he cheated on her. 

6 minutes ago, lilmeow said:

But, thinking of that for myself it just isn't something I would want, or had envisioned for myself. 

This is where you two need to go your separate ways. 

 

[lilmeow]

14 minutes ago, Els said:

Sorry to hear this. Did he talk about this at the start of your relationship, or did you only just find these things out? 5 years in is VERY late to be finding these things out about your partner. It sounds like a massive waste of time, really, since it's extremely difficult for a monogamous person and a poly person to be in a LTR that is satisfactory to both people.

Either way, I think you should leave now. This is a fundamental incompatibility that will eventually destroy you - even if you cave and allow him to do it this once, it won't be the last. And even if he says he doesn't need to do it now, it will be brought up again eventually.

This was not something we talked about at the start of our relationship. He grew up in a very conservative and religious household, and had always felt shamed for his past and things he was curious about. This is the first healthy relationship either of us have been in, and I would describe all of this as more of a new development. He never considered himself poly, or actively thought about being with others. I had known from the beginning that he has issues with commitment, but it hadn't popped up as an issue, there had been no problems. I know he loves and cares about me a lot, so he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe his new friends and radicalization has opened up his mind a lot to new ideas, acceptance of himself and the things he enjoyed in his past.

[Els]

1 minute ago, lilmeow said:

This was not something we talked about at the start of our relationship. He grew up in a very conservative and religious household, and had always felt shamed for his past and things he was curious about. This is the first healthy relationship either of us have been in, and I would describe all of this as more of a new development. He never considered himself poly, or actively thought about being with others. I had known from the beginning that he has issues with commitment, but it hadn't popped up as an issue, there had been no problems. I know he loves and cares about me a lot, so he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe his new friends and radicalization has opened up his mind a lot to new ideas, acceptance of himself and the things he enjoyed in his past.

I'm all for sex positivity, but all this stuff from him sounds like complete BS. If he wants to discover "new things" and "explore his interest in non-monogamy", then he needs to be single while he figures his shyt out. He should NOT be trying to shoehorn his gf of 5 years, who is monogamous, into allowing him to do these things. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

[central]

I mostly agree with those who've said you're incompatible in this area. I was completely monogamous in my first marriage of 24 years. After that, my next wife and I explored polyamory and related relationship types for nearly 20 years. Honestly, it was both exciting and enjoyable, and did not have any negative effects  on our relationship. I'll note that we're both completely heterosexual, so that wasn't an issue. We were involved with several different couples at different times, but usually had our own, separate lovers, often lasting for years. So, it's possible and can be very rewarding, but not if you're turned off by the concept.

You have a decision to make, but it seems like you know what it will be. Best wishes.

[lilmeow]

14 minutes ago, central said:

I mostly agree with those who've said you're incompatible in this area. I was completely monogamous in my first marriage of 24 years. After that, my next wife and I explored polyamory and related relationship types for nearly 20 years. Honestly, it was both exciting and enjoyable, and did not have any negative effects  on our relationship. I'll note that we're both completely heterosexual, so that wasn't an issue. We were involved with several different couples at different times, but usually had our own, separate lovers, often lasting for years. So, it's possible and can be very rewarding, but not if you're turned off by the concept.

You have a decision to make, but it seems like you know what it will be. Best wishes.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm 25 years old, and I wanted to provide a bit more context to my situation.

 

When I've thought about non-monogamy for me, I always believed it was more along the lines of something a couple might explore together if they're feeling unsatisfied or bored in their sex life. My boyfriend and I have had discussions about our sex life, and he has mentioned a few times throughout our relationship that he would like me to take more control in the bedroom, as he identifies as a switch and enjoys both dominating and being dominated. It's not that it's hard for me, but sometimes it's just unnatural, and I tend to do what I'm comfortable with.

 

When I brought up my discomfort with the idea of non-monogamy, my boyfriend explained that, for him, it's more about feeling that he's late to exploring these experiences with others. He mentioned that we've been together for a long time (5 years) and that he doesn't want to start branching out when he's 35 or 45. This desire of his has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in our relationship but rather a personal feeling of wanting to explore while he's still young.

 

This has been really difficult for me to process, as I've always valued monogamy and believed in finding one person to be with. I’m genuinely trying to understand his perspective, but it’s challenging to reconcile with my own values and feelings. I've never had friends or a place where I could discuss these types of things, and this has just been a lot to process.

 

Thank you again for your advice. I’m really trying to navigate these complex emotions and figure out what’s best for both of us.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, lilmeow said:

 

 

When I brought up my discomfort with the idea of non-monogamy, my boyfriend explained that, for him, it's more about feeling that he's late to exploring these experiences with others. He mentioned that we've been together for a long time (5 years) and that he doesn't want to start branching out when he's 35 or 45. This desire of his has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in our relationship but rather a personal feeling of wanting to explore while he's still young.

Really??  Well, maybe it has nothing to do with dissatisfaction, but it certainly has to do with absolute selfishness and, frankly, being very dismissive of you.  

I mean ... wtf is he doing in a monogamous relationship, if it's important for him to "branch out" before he's 35 or 40?

That also pretty much makes it clear that he does not see you in the picture when he's 35 or 40.   

I'm not really sure what there is here for you to "navigate."   It's very clear - one of you is not going to get what you want sexually.   That's a relationship killer.  I think you're the most at risk because having sex with other people when you really are not wired that way can be very damaging.   It could hurt you forever.

As for him, clearly he's planning his poly forays, whether he gets lucky and can start now, or wait until he's old.

[basil67]

I think there's a large difference between being open to an idea vs actively wanting to delve into that expereince.   The question is, which side of the discussion does he sit on?  

And make sure you say no to any sexual activity which you aren't 100% comfortable in

[Esteban]

Don't agree to do what he says, you will likely regret it.

I think the people immediately telling you to end it with him are being a bit quick to decide without knowing much about him and the both of you, like what good points he has, how much you love each other, and so on.

What if she gives a firm no and he backs down and immediately says he won't pursue it and sounds believable?

That being said, I think there's a good chance in the end they'll turn out to be right that you'll break up with him. But let's take more than 2 minutes to decide about ending a 5-year relationship.

[Esteban]

As an aside, 3 women I dated this year all basically told me the same thing "date other women if you like, if that's what you want to do". But in all 3 cases it was a test. When I pressed them on it, it was pretty clear that if I came back to them a week later, and said, "I had sex with someone else last night" that would have been the end of our dating immediately, and from them on only friendship would have been on the cards.

They didn't want to push me into monagamy/exclusivity, but they wanted me to declare it/propose willingly.

I think it must be a minority, perhaps even a small minority, of women that would happily be polyamorous.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, lilmeow said:

He is on a path of growth, he knows cheating is wrong, but he had described this as exciting for him

As a former cheater, allow me to warn you here. When a reformed-in-progress cheater is still excited about cheating, it means his reform isn’t complete yet. Such a person will still be looking for loopholes that would allow him to cheat. And this is exactly what’s happening with your boyfriend now.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, lilmeow said:

This was not something we talked about at the start of our relationship. He grew up in a very conservative and religious household, and had always felt shamed for his past and things he was curious about. This is the first healthy relationship either of us have been in, and I would describe all of this as more of a new development. He never considered himself poly, or actively thought about being with others. I had known from the beginning that he has issues with commitment, but it hadn't popped up as an issue, there had been no problems. I know he loves and cares about me a lot, so he doesn't want to hurt me. I believe his new friends and radicalization has opened up his mind a lot to new ideas, acceptance of himself and the things he enjoyed in his past.

Sorry, but cheating is something to be ashamed of, whether you are from a religious household or not.

It sounds to me like he still does have issues with commitment. To put it simply, he still wants to sleep with other women, he isn’t ready to be exclusive with you, but he wants to keep you as a steady girlfriend. This is a fundamental incompatibility with the way you (and most other people) view a committed relationship.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, lilmeow said:

When I brought up my discomfort with the idea of non-monogamy, my boyfriend explained that, for him, it's more about feeling that he's late to exploring these experiences with others. He mentioned that we've been together for a long time (5 years) and that he doesn't want to start branching out when he's 35 or 45. This desire of his has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in our relationship but rather a personal feeling of wanting to explore while he's still young.

I’m sorry, but I think your BF is being untruthful and selfish.

I assure you, as an ex-cheater and someone who has had wacky sexual experiences in the past and craved for many more: when a man is with a woman he truly loves, he doesn’t care about unexplored sexual experiences or “branching out”, he cares about the feelings of that woman. He doesn’t make sexual plans for himself at a later age, because he is too focused on pleasing his lady.

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, lilmeow said:

He is on a path of growth,

No, he's on a path of self-satisfaction where he clearly couldn't care less about your feelings. You're being manipulated. A year isn't that long, I say don't waste any more time with him. I'd like a dollar for every woman I know who's been cajoled/manipulated into going along with sex stuff that they don't really want to do. If he genuinely loved you he wouldn't wanting to get his paws on other people, much less see you being pawed by some other dude. You're incompatible, he doesn't know what genuine love means, you do. His friends sound sleazy. 

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, lilmeow said:

Yes, He was in a toxic relationship with a girl in the past before we met. In their relationship, he actively engaged sexually with other people, without her knowing/her consent.

In other words, he was the “toxic” in the relationship. He contributed to the toxic relationship - maybe it was toxic because he was unfaithful and that coloured the entire relationship. 

He’s telling you that he’s feeling the itch again… What is he going to tell his next affair partner - that your relationship is “toxic” and that’s why he is stepping out?

There is a pattern of behavior here that you would be wise not to ignore…