Struggling with My Boyfriend's Interest in Non-Monogamy

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, lilmeow said:

he doesn't want to start branching out when he's 35 or 45.

Then, he needs to be single or with a partner who also wants to be in an open relationship/have sex with others. 

If that’s not you, that’s ok. As others have said, don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing. This would be a dealbreaker for many people.
 

16 hours ago, lilmeow said:

This desire of his has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in our relationship but rather a personal feeling of wanting to explore while he's still young.

This desire has nothing to do with you - it’s all about him. He is stating his intention to have sex with other people. He’s hoping, selfishly, that you will agree to go along… but, if you don’t agree, he is still likely to do as he pleases. Whether you heed this warning or not, is your decision.

If you want a monogamous relationship - this is not your guy. Sorry. 

[Gaeta]

On 11/22/2024 at 6:41 AM, lilmeow said:

and he had been non-committal in his past relationships

 

16 hours ago, lilmeow said:

 has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in our relationship but rather a personal feeling of wanting to explore

Let's use the right vocabulary here. This has nothing to do with feelings, this is about sexual urges. These will not go away when he hits 40. 

He's telling you a story, listen. He was never monogamous before. He tried before you and he ended up cheating. He wrapped it up in a nice sentence about not having his ex's consent...he cheated! 

Now it's your turn. He's giving you the heads up...you and him is not enough anymore. Again he wrapped it up in a nice sentence it's not about you..no it's not about you, but it's that *just you* is not enough anymore.

*just you* will never be enough.

[NuevoYorko]

16 hours ago, Esteban said:

Don't agree to do what he says, you will likely regret it.

I think the people immediately telling you to end it with him are being a bit quick to decide without knowing much about him and the both of you, like what good points he has, how much you love each other, and so on.

What if she gives a firm no and he backs down and immediately says he won't pursue it and sounds believable?

That is certainly possible - but how could the relationship sustain that?  If one person has made it clear tht they want to explore a sexually open relationship and the other doesn't want that -  there will be a big divide.   Worse, he's talking about not wanting to "wait" until he's 35 or 40.  So he is obviously seeing this as happening in his life.

As I said - one way or another, somebody is going to be "untrue" to their own sexual nature.   I don't see how resentment, at the very least, would be avoided.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I had forgotten to mention earlier, but I have a childhood friend who sounds quite a bit like your boyfriend. 

He'd been unfaithful in relationships and finally decided that monogamy wasn't for him. So, he met a woman a couple years ago and they apparently agreed to an open relatiosnhip. I always suspected that he was much more "open" than she was and that she was just going along with it for whatever reason. It was clear to me she at least wanted more "togetherness" in their relationship, whlie he was off seeing and sleeping with other women. 

I am not sure exactly what happened, but he told me one day last year that she found out about some things and that he hadn't always been as honest with her as he should have been. My gut says she discovered that he was not just occasionally having dates with other women, but doing so on a fairly regular basis. Obviously their relationship didn't last. 

He is now dating someone else, and he tells me it's also an open relationship. Fine, if that's what they both want and agree to (and if he's being honest) My point? He decided in his early 30s that he didn't want monogamous relationships anymore. He is now almost 50. It is very likely that this is just who your boyfriend is and that he won't change. My old friend never has. He's still on various apps and he and his partner visit adult clubs. I think this is going to be your boyfriend. Doesn't sound good to you, I imagine. I would get out now. 

[Leihla_B]

22 hours ago, lilmeow said:

...he actively engaged sexually with other people, without her knowing/her consent.

...But, thinking of that for myself it just isn't something I would want, or had envisioned for myself. 

Okay, so your choices are to go pursue someone whose views of commitment align with your own, OR, stay in this relationship with the knowledge that your partner will cheat. 

Edited Saturday at 06:34 PM by Leihla_B

[Els]

On 11/23/2024 at 10:51 AM, Esteban said:

I think the people immediately telling you to end it with him are being a bit quick to decide without knowing much about him and the both of you, like what good points he has, how much you love each other, and so on.

What if she gives a firm no and he backs down and immediately says he won't pursue it and sounds believable?

Major sexual incompatibility almost always catches up with you eventually. If not now, then in 1 or 2 or 5 years' time. This isn't just a passing curiosity for the OP's bf, he has gone as far as making concrete plans and telling her he wants it to happen ASAP. It's basically the equivalent of a monogamous woman continuing to be in a relationship with a man who said that he has discovered that he really wants to have sex with men and that he wants to do it within the next year. Even if he "backs down" when given an ultimatum, it's not going to change much.

[stillafool]

On 11/22/2024 at 3:01 PM, lilmeow said:

Yes, He was in a toxic relationship with a girl in the past before we met. In their relationship, he actively engaged sexually with other people, without her knowing/her consent.

^This sounds like he was in a relationship with a girl and the relationship turned toxic because of his cheating.  Have you asked him if he's ever had sex with men?

[NuevoYorko]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

^This sounds like he was in a relationship with a girl and the relationship turned toxic because of his cheating.  Have you asked him if he's ever had sex with men?

Indeed it does.  I'm sorry OP but you likely  have this to look forward to if you stay in the relationship.   

His interest in polyamory is not the same thing as his willingness to cheat in order to get sexual variety.   It's just ... garden variety cheating.  He will do it again.