Being Friends with an Ex and Someone I Met on a Dating App

[Esteban]

I dated C in June, but on the 3rd date she said she just would prefer to be friends. I never even kissed her on the dates (only because she kept avoiding it), although I did kiss her later in July at a party, since then just friends.  I tend to see her about once every 2-4 weeks when I'm dating someone, and maybe once a week when I'm not.

I dated E in August and September. She wasn't too happy about my friendship with C. E almost broke up with me one day I went to see C. After that day I decided to not see C for a few weeks and went to see her again once E broke up with me (for a different reason). E and I decided to be friends.

I am now dating M. M isn't too happy that I'm friends with C and E. After the 2nd date with M, after sleeping together, I said I wanted to be exclusive and she agreed. I also said then however that I am going to be friends with C and E and she didn't really comment but in reality when I saw E she wasn't happy I saw her 1 to 1 (i.e. no-one else there), or that I told her the next day rather than in advance.

I have very few friends where I'm living now, apart from C and E I only have one other friend in this country. I like having female friends. I realized I missed having female friends which I haven't had for so many years. When I explained this to M, she accepted that I could see C and E 1 to 1, however to make her feel more comfortable I said I wouldn't see them at my house, or get drunk, or go dancing. M was uncomfortable when C was at my house for hours one day.

M is my neighbour, but C and E met me on Bumble, and we don't share mutual friends, so we usually meet 1 to 1. In the 6 weeks I've been dating M I've seen her 10-15 times and met up with C once and E also once.

E has been dating others since we broke up. E is very open to meeting M or whoever I'm dating to make her feel safer.

C hasn't been dating, and it's not clear how much she really finds me attractive. I asked her when I was with E if she finds me attractive, thinking I could use the answer to judge whether I could be friends with her, and she only said "you are attractive" but didn't exactly answer the question. I've told C I don't see myself with her romantically long term. She tends to be a bit evasive about meeting others I'm dating, and makes an excuse, saying the 3 of us would be awkward and I should introduce a new partner later after a longer time together. C and I just feel like good friends at this point.

C and E exchange whatsapp messages around a few a week. I generally mute them and don't respond to them when I've with M.

I'm 44. M is 48, E is 48, C is about 42.

Do you think my friendships with C and E are OK? How would you feel about them if you were dating me?

Are 1 to 1 friendships with women while dating another generally bad? Or perhaps having a 1 to 1 friendship with someone is OK but not if you met them on a dating app, or they are your ex?

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Esteban said:

Do you think my friendships with C and E are OK?

Fundamentally, yes. In your context, probably not.

You said M wasn’t very happy about these friendships. I think the natural thing to do here is to minimize your interaction with E and C to please your girlfriend.

Everyone has different boundaries and ground rules in these matters. I’m fine with my SO messaging exes or meeting them in groups, but I wouldn’t be okay if she had one on one meetings with them.

 

16 minutes ago, Esteban said:

Are 1 to 1 friendships with women while dating another generally bad? Or perhaps having a 1 to 1 friendship with someone is OK but not if you met them on a dating app, or they are your ex?

Exactly. I think it’s not generally bad, but it could be bad if there had been some romantic interaction in the past and if your current partner isn’t comfortable with that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be wary of a guy who seemed to have a pattern of keeping women in his orbit that he'd previously dated, yes. 

[Gaeta]

If you keep A,B,C,D around I would not date you. Not many women will date you.

If you want friends then make friends outside a dating app. The problam is you were attracted to all these women. No mature woman will date a man keeping his conquests around the way you do.

 

[Dazedandconfused86]

I may be biased based on first hand experience but this is a prime example of why relationships are not worth it. You should not have to give up pre-existing friendships for a new girlfriend.

[smackie9]

Yeah as pointed out by Gaeta, not many will be interested in dating you or would appreciate it when you are friends with past romantic interests. Having no friends is no excuse for that. I agree there are better ways to make friends than from dates that didn't work out. I have to ask, how would you feel if the person you are really into had a stack of attractive men that they dated, chose to be friends with, stays in contact, hangs out with? And gives you the song and dance about not having friends is why these men still remain in her life....

When you choose to commit to someone, then you adjust contact with exes, etc accordingly. Same rules would apply to your GF. If you live by different rules and expectations from whom you are with, then you are incompatible. If you wish to keep these friends, get rid of the GF.

[Gaeta]

54 minutes ago, Dazedandconfused86 said:

I may be biased based on first hand experience but this is a prime example of why relationships are not worth it. You should not have to give up pre-existing friendships for a new girlfriend.

I would not give up my long term friends for a new boyfriend but l would drop in a heart beat men l kept in touch with for 6 months. I would not call friends people l met in June & September. 

It's perfectly fine if relationships are not your priority but for people looking for a life partner, keeping orbitors says a lot about their needs of any type of attention.

[Leihla_B]

Yeah, I would not continue seeing a guy who kept dating site friends. My own private rule is to never involve myself with anyone who is still involved with exes beyond shared children. It's not a prescription for anyone else; it's just too messy for me. With billions of people in the world, remaining attached to exes speaks of unfinished business that I would have no desire to step into.

[Esteban]

M is not my girlfriend, but I have seen her over 10 times, been on a weekend away with her. So it's close to that.

It looks like the consensus is I should end or limit my friendships with C and E, at least if I want to continue with M.

My friendship with C, who I met in June, is a very good friendship. We know everything about each other, spent the majority of our time together 1 to 1, have had hour long conversations just to chat. I've been friends with people for years and years and not reached this level of closeness.

[Esteban]

21 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 I have to ask, how would you feel if the person you are really into had a stack of attractive men that they dated, chose to be friends with, stays in contact, hangs out with?

I'd be fine with it in the first weeks of dating. Longer term...less so.

I think there is a difference between being friends with 1-2 people you met on a dating on vs a "stack" of them though. The latter would give a different impression about a person.

But of course I would not complain about the person I'm dating doing the exact same thing I'm doing...give me some credit...