Going to turn 30 and still never had a serious relationship

[PeachPalm1]

Even in high school, I never once got asked out. I thought as an adult things would be different. I don’t know how things will ever change?

 

I started dating someone when I was 18 back at home and we both started the same university coincidentally. Then one night I introduced him to my course mates out at a meal and then he ended up dating my course mate. 😞 he had never taken me on dates or anything

 

The rest of university was the same, putting myself out there and no one wanting me. All my friends finding their forever partners at university

 

When I was 25, met a first boyfriend. It was easy and fun and I felt amazed to have someone to call my boyfriend.he was my first love but even he never took me on a romantic date. He dumped me and told me he never fell in love with me. My mum still goes on about how much she liked him, and misses him and so do I really. I don’t know why he didn’t love me and why I am so unlucky 

 

And ever since no one has come along.

 

A brief dating situation last year. I met a man who I really clicked with, he kept even telling me he felt we really connected and we were really similar. Compatibility wise we were such a match too. but I was kept at arms length and if I didn’t plan dates, they wouldn’t happen. And then he told me he didn’t see me in a romantic way and only as a friend. Like how?????

 

My male housemates, they downloaded dating app. Saw some girls on there, messaged them and now they have girlfriends they treat as queens. Me on the other hand, I only get men who are half interested and still don’t plan dates. Or mainly men message me on dating apps, I reply and then it’s just silence from them. What’s more I have a good profile and I’m quite pretty

 

I’m tired of it, no one understands why I can’t get dates. Even when I go get a date, they never offer to pay. And I wonder what is wrong with me

 

More recently, I finally got asked out organically. It was new and exciting to me. But he was too agressive about the physical side, on the first date sucking my breast in the car which was making me uncomfortable. I did sleep with him on the second date mainly as I am 28 and haven’t really ever had a sex life and I want to learn that, but he left immediately and never spoke to me again. I did have suspicious he actually might have a girlfriend 

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Men never approach me. I signal to them with body language that I am interested in being approached. I’m told I’m pretty too

[Gebidozo]

It’s not the first time that you post this content here.

I wonder whether you actually read what people were telling you and did something to follow those advices. It seems that nothing has changed.

As long as you keep complaining, your attitude will continue to turn off independent, mature men.

As long as you keep being desperate for a relationship, wanting just anyone to be with, you’ll be attracting dubious, weird, unreliable men.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

finally got asked out organically. It was new and exciting to me. But he was too agressive about the physical side, on the first date sucking my breast in the car which was making me uncomfortable. I did sleep with him on the second date mainly as I am 28 and haven’t really ever had a sex life and I want to learn that, but he left immediately and never spoke to me again.

Why did you sleep with him after he made you uncomfortable on the very first date? That was your cue to run, not to get in bed with him. 

You need to learn to weed out bad apples and not pin hopes on them to be anything other than what they show you they are. He showed you on the first date what he was all about. You igmored that huge red flag. 

[smackie9]

Go get yourself a make over..hair, makeup, clothing, hit the gym. Men a visual creatures...attractiveness/confidence gets your foot in the door.

[NuevoYorko]

What are your other types of relationships like?  Do you have close friends?  Any friends you've known for many years?  How about your family?   

[PeachPalm1]

55 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Go get yourself a make over..hair, makeup, clothing, hit the gym. Men a visual creatures...attractiveness/confidence gets your foot in the door.

I literally care so much about my appearance there’s nothing else I can do other than lip fillers and stuff. I change up my hair all the time, I’m very into my fitness etc. 

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I literally care so much about my appearance there’s nothing else I can do other than lip fillers and stuff.

This could be part of your problem.   The sheer level of vanity required to be doing this stuff would be off putting.   Then if you've passed the point between just a tiny touch of enhancement into looking ridiculous, you're not going to get much attention from men.   

What if you go back to being a normal woman?

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

The sheer level of vanity required to be doing this stuff would be off putting. 

Exactly. As a man, witnessing this kind of overkill effort, bordering on despair, is a real turn off.

OP, you’re basically screaming “Please date me, please have me, please love me, I’ll look nice for you, I’ll have sex with you if you want to”. This attitude can only attract sleazy, insecure, lonely, freaky, creepy men with all sorts of issues.

 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

This could be part of your problem.   The sheer level of vanity required to be doing this stuff would be off putting.   Then if you've passed the point between just a tiny touch of enhancement into looking ridiculous, you're not going to get much attention from men.   

What if you go back to being a normal woman?

Huh? No what I’m saying is I’m all natural, I don’t want to get lip fillers or any cosmetic things 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

This could be part of your problem.   The sheer level of vanity required to be doing this stuff would be off putting.   Then if you've passed the point between just a tiny touch of enhancement into looking ridiculous, you're not going to get much attention from men.   

What if you go back to being a normal woman?

I don’t look ridiculous. I look natural 

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Huh? No what I’m saying is I’m all natural, I don’t want to get lip fillers or any cosmetic things 

My apologies- I read it wrong. 

[MsJayne]

My guess is there's something going wrong in the way you interact with men, maybe you come on a bit too strong, or maybe you've got poor boundaries and they perceive you as a pushover, could be any number of fixable things. If you have a guy friend who you're close enough to, ask him to be really honest with you, but only if you feel comfortable hearing things you may not want to hear.  

[introverted1]

Gently, the same obsessiveness with which you post here, and the same inability to hear and act on the advice provided, is likely indicative of how you interact in person.  I'd venture to guess that it's this rather than your appearance that turns men off.

Since we don't know you and only experience you on a message board, this is something you might want to speak to a trained counselor about.  They can help identify (and help you resolve) thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you from achieving your interpersonal goals. 

[NuevoYorko]

Did you read the post above?  Please read it.  

You do come off as pretty clueless when it comes to other people, rarely engaging with the posts here when you are receiving a lot of advice.  I ask you direct questions which you do not acknowledge.  Interestingly, you jump right in when it was regarding your physical appearance.

I'm still interested in knowing about your friendships, hobbies, things that get you excited about life.   

I hope you realize that people get interested in other people when they find them INTERESTING.  Compelling.  Simply being on top of your wardrobe, gym routine and hairstyles won't be getting you very far.

[basil67]

If you've never had a serious relationship at 30, the problem is you.   Have you talked about this with your friends?   What do they see as the problem?

[PeachPalm1]

On 11/25/2024 at 11:21 PM, basil67 said:

If you've never had a serious relationship at 30, the problem is you.   Have you talked about this with your friends?   What do they see as the problem?

Yea I have talked about it with my friends. They have given me constructive criticism but nothing major. I’m always working on self improvement. They said if anything I am very self critical and hard on myself. Something I am working on.

although, when I dated my ex, I wasn’t self critical at all. I loved him and worked hard on the relationship, I was caring and supportive. Yet he never took me on dates and that started to upset me. Because I planned free things for us to do, I felt financially he had no excuses. And it started to get me down. And my friends started telling me h was using me . When I tried to talk to him and discuss the way I was feeling… he ended things and said he don’t feel romantic 

 

Then I went into my next dating situation very cautiously. I felt me and him had a nice connection and was very complimentary of me and telling me how well we got along. After dates however, he would take 2 - 3 days to reply my very normal texts. And so was kept at arms length which didn’t feel nice given I was feeling open to date again. Eventually he said he didn’t feeel romantic and I reheat myself up about it, worrying what I did wrong

 

he insisted on staying friends. Taking me to play sports, to gigs. Holding my hand and telling me how much he missed me. He would text me all day every day. I felt confused cause obviously I must have not done anything wrong if he wanted me to be in his life still. Then he stopped. I get an occasionally check in message but he will never reply. It’s sad 

 

and then recently once again I opened up to dating a again. Got asked out by a personal trainer at my gym. Went on some dates. But he was too forward physically and I felt a bit taken back. Turns out he had a girlfriend.. 

 

so maybe non of this is my fault 

 

I feel like men like me for my looks and for an ego boost but I’m more than that. I’m funny, and adventurous, kind and creative and I have curiosity about others. I’m not selfish or anything like that 

[NuevoYorko]

Ever think of answering questions that people ask you on your posts?

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ever think of answering questions that people ask you on your posts?

My thoughts exactly. 

I had a question for you OP:

On 11/24/2024 at 6:29 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did you sleep with him after he made you uncomfortable on the very first date?

 

[PeachPalm1]

11 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Ever think of answering questions that people ask you on your posts?

I do ask most thr questions . Just sometimes when there are a lot in one post I struggle to answer them all and miss some 

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My thoughts exactly. 

I had a question for you OP:

I slept with them because I was curious but also because my friend told me I was self sabotaging and I should be excited that a man is very attracted to me. And that I’m just overthinking 

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I slept with them because I was curious but also because my friend told me I was self sabotaging and I should be excited that a man is very attracted to me. And that I’m just overthinking 

Sorry, but you are an adult. You don't need to have sex with people just because your friend's opinion is that you should. 

Come on. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 11/24/2024 at 10:47 AM, NuevoYorko said:

What are your other types of relationships like?  Do you have close friends?  Any friends you've known for many years?  How about your family? 

That's my third try at asking you direct questions.   You haven't acknowledged any of them.  

THIS is probably indicative of why you're having so much trouble with dating.  Apparently you don't really engage with people.  You also might be pretty boring.  Sorry, but if the extent of your connection with the world begins and ends with all the stuff you do to look pretty and having meaningless sexual encounters with random guys,  what do you have to talk about with people?   What's the draw?  

Truth:  Being "hot" only gets a person so far - often that means it can get you laid and not much more.

[PeachPalm1]

19 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's my third try at asking you direct questions.   You haven't acknowledged any of them.  

THIS is probably indicative of why you're having so much trouble with dating.  Apparently you don't really engage with people.  You also might be pretty boring.  Sorry, but if the extent of your connection with the world begins and ends with all the stuff you do to look pretty and having meaningless sexual encounters with random guys,  what do you have to talk about with people?   What's the draw?  

Truth:  Being "hot" only gets a person so far - often that means it can get you laid and not much more.

I’m sorry but the above questions in the post aren’t appearing to me. I wasn’t ignoring? 
 

I am very engaging with people and a curious person who asks lots of questions myself. I am not boring I don’t think. I can be a bit stressed from time to time and overwhelmed as I have adhd and it can hard to manage everything. But I don’t act in a negative way. Like I just got back from a work trip and I loved chatting to everyone in my team at dinner and I arranged for us all to go and play golf and have people a little tour I gave them of my old town. 
 

And I don’t have endless meaningless encounters with men. He is the first man I have slept with outside of a more serious dating scenario. Only slept with 3 people in my life

 

please don’t criticise me I didn’t ask for that. I’m here to vent because I feel quite sad. Especially as going through grief after having a bereavement, I’m feeling quite sorry for myself. You don’t know. Me 

[PeachPalm1]

19 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's my third try at asking you direct questions.   You haven't acknowledged any of them.  

THIS is probably indicative of why you're having so much trouble with dating.  Apparently you don't really engage with people.  You also might be pretty boring.  Sorry, but if the extent of your connection with the world begins and ends with all the stuff you do to look pretty and having meaningless sexual encounters with random guys,  what do you have to talk about with people?   What's the draw?  

Truth:  Being "hot" only gets a person so far - often that means it can get you laid and not much more.

My other types of relationships are ok. I live in London so everyone is quite busy and I feel lonely a lot of the time, that’s why I like going to the gym as the gym guy was always very friendly. Especially when I work from home 

 

I suffer from migraines. So sometimes social situations can be hard because it affects my speach processing part of my brain. So I can just sit there and listen and sometimes I get anxious that I am being boring or too quiet. But then the next day, I feel back to normal and chatting. Sometimes I beat myself up about this. Epically with the the last guy I dated, the last date I suddenly got a migraine and I told him this, but I just wanted to curl up on the sofa and not cuddle and wanted my own space. This can make relationships hard in a way 

 

im close with my family and talk to my mom every day. But they live a long way away. My brother has nothing to do with me but I hope that may change when he grows up a little. 
 

Most of my friends in relationships and busy most of the time. I tried to plan something for my birthday but people had other plans. I try and put effort into my relationships but often feel one sided 

 

I’ve asked friends for constructive criticism. They said I’m just really hard on myself all the time. And that’s true, I beat myself up a lot. 
 

the last guy I dated, I helped him find place to live, emotional support, I really cared about him. I planned adventures for us both. I listened and was supportive. Yet he told me he didn’t love me. It was very confusing for me but my friends say he just wasn’t in a place to give me what I wanted . His best mate messaged me and told me ‘I am so sorry for what he has done. I just want you to know it’s been lovely getting to know you and he has only ever spoken highly of you. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.’ 
 

maybe this is a case of bad luck 

[PeachPalm1]

19 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's my third try at asking you direct questions.   You haven't acknowledged any of them.  

THIS is probably indicative of why you're having so much trouble with dating.  Apparently you don't really engage with people.  You also might be pretty boring.  Sorry, but if the extent of your connection with the world begins and ends with all the stuff you do to look pretty and having meaningless sexual encounters with random guys,  what do you have to talk about with people?   What's the draw?  

Truth:  Being "hot" only gets a person so far - often that means it can get you laid and not much more.

Oh and I have lots to talk about. My travel, my music I create, my art, my job, and intellectual conversation stimulates me.