Going to turn 30 and still never had a serious relationship

[NuevoYorko]

Thank you for sharing about yourself.  It gives a much fuller picture of the situations you have found yourself in.  

Do you have any close female friend(s)?   

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Thank you for sharing about yourself.  It gives a much fuller picture of the situations you have found yourself in.  

Do you have any close female friend(s)?   

I do have close female friends but we grew apart after my ex dumped me and their relationships got more serious. For example, my best friend would always call me up for advice and support. She doesn’t do that anymore, she turns to her boyfriend for advice. I equally really struggle as I never have anyone to turn to as everyone is so busy so I do feel sad quite a lot of the time as I don’t have a support system. It’s hard living in London. I feel like I’m falling behind too as I really want a partner. 
 

I enjoyed being with my boyfriend the support we gave each other. Being each others number one fan 

[NuevoYorko]

40 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I do have close female friends but we grew apart after my ex dumped me and their relationships got more serious. For example, my best friend would always call me up for advice and support. She doesn’t do that anymore, she turns to her boyfriend for advice. I equally really struggle as I never have anyone to turn to as everyone is so busy so I do feel sad quite a lot of the time as I don’t have a support system. It’s hard living in London. I feel like I’m falling behind too as I really want a partner

Well, you need better friends.  You're almost 30?  And people don't have time to be friends because they have a boyfriend?  Sounds more like high school behavior.

The essence of friendship is not all about calling for advice, though it is important to have those people in your life. It's not all about "support."  That would be terribly draining.

Friends are also to share happy times with and good news.   And getting a partner is surely not any kind of a race.  This site is filled with  women and men your age who are completely single, though they'd like to find a partner, and who still have friendships.  

It seems to me like you need to stop looking for attention for your woes, and look for joy in your life.  Do you really like your career?  Is it demanding, do you have to use your brain and be challenged?

What about hobbies?   It seems that you don't have any and that you're hyper-focussed on trying to get something started with a man.  Why not participate in some Meet-up groups?  

 

Quote

I enjoyed being with my boyfriend the support we gave each other. Being each others number one fan 

So, you've experienced that ... that's great!  Not everyone has had that experience.

But, you are way way too hung up on trying to land a man.  Change your focus for a while and revisit after you get your regular social life up and running.  

[PeachPalm1]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well, you need better friends.  You're almost 30?  And people don't have time to be friends because they have a boyfriend?  Sounds more like high school behavior.

The essence of friendship is not all about calling for advice, though it is important to have those people in your life. It's not all about "support."  That would be terribly draining.

Friends are also to share happy times with and good news.   And getting a partner is surely not any kind of a race.  This site is filled with  women and men your age who are completely single, though they'd like to find a partner, and who still have friendships.  

It seems to me like you need to stop looking for attention for your woes, and look for joy in your life.  Do you really like your career?  Is it demanding, do you have to use your brain and be challenged?

What about hobbies?   It seems that you don't have any and that you're hyper-focussed on trying to get something started with a man.  Why not participate in some Meet-up groups?  

 

So, you've experienced that ... that's great!  Not everyone has had that experience.

But, you are way way too hung up on trying to land a man.  Change your focus for a while and revisit after you get your regular social life up and running.  

I do have hobbies. I go to the gym, I play instruments and have lessons but because of my work, I don’t have time to join a band. I like travel, I sew and I knit and make art. I literally fill my time and can’t fit anything else into my life very easily, I’m always busy. My job isn’t very stimulating or enjoyable but I am busy, but job hunting also. I am a scientist

 

i do go to some meetup groups sometime but I find such weird people go there. I felt very uncomfortable the last time I went. if I see something I like though I will go but I don’t meet partners through them 

[PeachPalm1]

11 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well, you need better friends.  You're almost 30?  And people don't have time to be friends because they have a boyfriend?  Sounds more like high school behavior.

The essence of friendship is not all about calling for advice, though it is important to have those people in your life. It's not all about "support."  That would be terribly draining.

Friends are also to share happy times with and good news.   And getting a partner is surely not any kind of a race.  This site is filled with  women and men your age who are completely single, though they'd like to find a partner, and who still have friendships.  

It seems to me like you need to stop looking for attention for your woes, and look for joy in your life.  Do you really like your career?  Is it demanding, do you have to use your brain and be challenged?

What about hobbies?   It seems that you don't have any and that you're hyper-focussed on trying to get something started with a man.  Why not participate in some Meet-up groups?  

 

So, you've experienced that ... that's great!  Not everyone has had that experience.

But, you are way way too hung up on trying to land a man.  Change your focus for a while and revisit after you get your regular social life up and running.  

One more thing is I am trying the dating apps. I thought I’m quite good at being engaging, I ask questions and I’m friendly. But men never reply to me. They always just stop mid convo which is a bit sad as this never used to happen to me. I read my messages back and I showed my friends and they said I come across really well. Super confusing 

 

also the last guy I dated. We had so much fun together, gigs and playing golf with lots in common. But now I just keep worrying what is wrong with me still and why he didn’t feel a romantic spark with me either. He stayed friends and still checks in from time to time, he told me it was nothing to do with me and that I’m a wonderful fun person and he’s impressed by my humour and intelligence, but this whole year has been so hard moving on from it as I don’t think I’ll find someone as special as him 

Edited Friday at 11:14 PM by PeachPalm1

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t have time to join a band. I like travel, I sew and I knit and make art. I literally fill my time and can’t fit anything else into my life very easily, I’m always busy

Keeping busy is great.  But how would you manage a boyfriend and dating if all of your time is literally filled?

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

But how would you manage a boyfriend and dating if all of your time is literally filled?

I was wondering the same thing. 

You sound too busy for a boyfriend, OP. 

[PeachPalm1]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Keeping busy is great.  But how would you manage a boyfriend and dating if all of your time is literally filled?

I do have time for a boyfriend. I just fill my time as I am lonely. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I do have time for a boyfriend. I just fill my time as I am lonely. 

I am also a crafter- sewing, crochet and art, but unless you’re doing these in company they are solitary pursuits.  No criticism, I love my solitude!  But if you’re wanting a chance to meet someone, being in a band is a better option

[NuevoYorko]

You really need to use some of your time doing things with other people.   That's why I keep asking you about your social life.   You're filling your time because you are lonely, you say. 

Fill up some of that time doing things with other people.  Not talking about your problems or their problems.  HAVING FUN.  And probably you will end up meeting some guys who are also having fun and you'll end up at some point with a boyfriend.

I have a feeling that you are coming off as needy and / or potentially clingy.  

[happyhorizons]

On 11/30/2024 at 1:08 AM, PeachPalm1 said:

I do have time for a boyfriend. I just fill my time as I am lonely. 

Forcing THE ISSUE normally NEVER works out in your favor.......let things naturally happen and maybe have a more CHILL approach to dating as a whole.

[PeachPalm1]

16 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You really need to use some of your time doing things with other people.   That's why I keep asking you about your social life.   You're filling your time because you are lonely, you say. 

Fill up some of that time doing things with other people.  Not talking about your problems or their problems.  HAVING FUN.  And probably you will end up meeting some guys who are also having fun and you'll end up at some point with a boyfriend.

I have a feeling that you are coming off as needy and / or potentially clingy.  

I’m not clingy in the slightest as that’s not my nature. When I was dating a guy in 2021, he told me he felt unsure if I liked him as I was so independent and didn’t message much 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’m not clingy in the slightest as that’s not my nature. When I was dating a guy in 2021, he told me he felt unsure if I liked him as I was so independent and didn’t message much 

Independence has nothing to do with the amount of messaging. Independence means not needing another person to fill your own void. Your topics are all about your strong and even desperate need to find a boyfriend, ergo you aren’t really independent.

You actually followed your friend’s bad advice to have sex with that guy when you didn’t want to, just because you were supposed to be happy he paid attention to you. That is clinginess, neediness, and a definite sign of dependence.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

When I was dating a guy in 2021, he told me he felt unsure if I liked him as I was so independent and didn’t message much 

This isn't really what it means to be independent.

As @Gebidozo rightly pointed out, if you were truly an independent person who was confident in herself, you wouldn't have gone and had sex with some guy just because you friend made you think you should.

I think your perception of yourself and your true mindset are at odds. This is what makes me wonder if despite your claims to the contrary, there is something in the way you conduct yourself on dates or in communication that is off-putting to these men. You don't seem to have a realistic idea  of how you may be coming across to others, as evidenced by your choice to have sex with this recent guy even though you think you are confident and independent. 

So while you think you are doing everything right on dates and project a confident and self-assured air, my guess is that you are rather oblivious to how you actually come off. There is a disconnect between your idea of yourself and how you put yourself out there to the world, it seems. 

Edited yesterday at 06:18 AM by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

he told me he felt unsure if I liked him as I was so independent and didn’t message much 

As the others pointed out, independence causing lack of messaging isn't a thing.  But it could be that a) you are so independent he didn't feel like there was space for him in your life and b) you didn't message much so he figured you weren't interested anyway. 

How about you tell us why you didn't message much?   Was it lack of interest on your end....or were you game playing/testing?  

[PeachPalm1]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

As the others pointed out, independence causing lack of messaging isn't a thing.  But it could be that a) you are so independent he didn't feel like there was space for him in your life and b) you didn't message much so he figured you weren't interested anyway. 

How about you tell us why you didn't message much?   Was it lack of interest on your end....or were you game playing/testing?  

I was never playing games, he was unemployed and I was at work so he texted me a lot. And then In the evenings he didn’t leave his house so was on his phone whilst I was downstairs cooking with my friends and often forgot about my phone. I’m not.much a texter and let him know this. I definitely tried my best, like some days I felt we were texting all the time but it was a distraction to my work. I let him know this and told him I would prefer a phone call in the evenings but he didn’t take up that offer

 

i never play games, I just find texting hard especially as I’m an overthinker. Naturally I prefer to phone call as I can be myself

[PeachPalm1]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't really what it means to be independent.

As @Gebidozo rightly pointed out, if you were truly an independent person who was confident in herself, you wouldn't have gone and had sex with some guy just because you friend made you think you should.

I think your perception of yourself and your true mindset are at odds. This is what makes me wonder if despite your claims to the contrary, there is something in the way you conduct yourself on dates or in communication that is off-putting to these men. You don't seem to have a realistic idea  of how you may be coming across to others, as evidenced by your choice to have sex with this recent guy even though you think you are confident and independent. 

So while you think you are doing everything right on dates and project a confident and self-assured air, my guess is that you are rather oblivious to how you actually come off. There is a disconnect between your idea of yourself and how you put yourself out there to the world, it seems. 

It wasn’t because of my friends, it was a choice I made. Because I was curious and I believed it might have been fun. I’ve never had a one night stand before and even though I didn’t want it to be just that, I don’t think I should be shamed for wanting to have sex when I’ve only slept with 3 men in my life. 
 

I’ve asked for constructive criticism from my friends. And a guy I dated I stayed friends with. The guy told me I carry myself well, confident, funny and intelligent and that I shouldn’t think it’s anything wrong with me. He just didn’t feel a romantic connection and it was intangible. He still checks in with me as friends so surely if there was something I’m doing, he wouldn’t still be friends

 

im on a forum for dating in London and I’ve been discussing with some girls this week and we are all experiencing the same thing with men in London. We believe it’s the location, people thinking they have tons of options and just general fatigue of dating in London. I do home that will change 

 

I am feeling more confident in myself this week, that I’m not the issue. Last week I was feeling hormonal. This week I took a flight on a trip and a nice man was chatting to me on the flight, and we had a wonderful conversation and connection. It made me realise I just need to be patient and someone will come along 

[PeachPalm1]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't really what it means to be independent.

As @Gebidozo rightly pointed out, if you were truly an independent person who was confident in herself, you wouldn't have gone and had sex with some guy just because you friend made you think you should.

I think your perception of yourself and your true mindset are at odds. This is what makes me wonder if despite your claims to the contrary, there is something in the way you conduct yourself on dates or in communication that is off-putting to these men. You don't seem to have a realistic idea  of how you may be coming across to others, as evidenced by your choice to have sex with this recent guy even though you think you are confident and independent. 

So while you think you are doing everything right on dates and project a confident and self-assured air, my guess is that you are rather oblivious to how you actually come off. There is a disconnect between your idea of yourself and how you put yourself out there to the world, it seems. 

But also the problem I am having lately is despite having a good dating profile , showing my interests, men message me first, I reply and that’s it, ghosted.

now about this, I’ve shown my friends my conversations and they are as confused as me . I’m quite witty and send good responses and always ask questions. One girl I know thinks it’s because I come across as very intelligent, and that can be offputting to some men. Obviously I am not going to dumb myself down but it’s a little disheartening  . I’m not getting dates in the first place. 

Edited yesterday at 09:42 AM by PeachPalm1

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

One girl I know thinks it’s because I come across as very intelligent, and that can be offputting to some men.

Men who find intelligent women off-putting aren’t worth dating anyway.

What is a bit off-putting is you calling yourself witty and very intelligent, and independent, and not needy at all, and so on. I have the feeling that you aren’t very confident, otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to assert your praiseworthy traits so forcefully.

[PeachPalm1]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Men who find intelligent women off-putting aren’t worth dating anyway.

What is a bit off-putting is you calling yourself witty and very intelligent, and independent, and not needy at all, and so on. I have the feeling that you aren’t very confident, otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to assert your praiseworthy traits so forcefully.

Oh why does everyone criticise everything I say, I’m just trying to build up my confidence. 

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Oh why does everyone criticise everything I say,

Because you're here asking for feedback in what you're doing wrong.   We look for clues in order to help you

Quote

I’m just trying to build up my confidence. 

So Gebidozo was right about you not being confident.   Truly confident people don't feel the need to state that they are confident, so perhaps guys are picking up on your bravado and are a bit put off?   Do you make these statements in your profile?

Edited yesterday at 11:10 AM by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I don’t think I should be shamed for wanting to have sex when I’ve only slept with 3 men in my life. 

Nobody shamed you. You can have sex with whomever you want, whenevr you want. The inconsistency is the reason you're giving for why you did it. You were curious, fair enough. That's fine. But it was you who cited your friends' opinions as another reason why you went for it. That isn't the hallmark of an independent adult who knows her own mind. 

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I’ve shown my friends my conversations and they are as confused as me

These same friends who encouraged you to have sex with the gym guy?

Not sure they are the best source of insight. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

im on a forum for dating in London and I’ve been discussing with some girls this week and we are all experiencing the same thing with men in London. We believe it’s the location, people thinking they have tons of options and just general fatigue of dating in London. I do home that will change 

Eh, you'll find confirmation bias when you seek it out. 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Because you're here asking for feedback in what you're doing wrong.   We look for clues in order to help you

So Gebidozo was right about you not being confident.   Truly confident people don't feel the need to state that they are confident, so perhaps guys are picking up on your bravado and are a bit put off?   Do you make these statements in your profile?

No of course I don’t make statements like that in my profile. My profile just says my hobbies and interests and I’ve had my friends vet my profile. And I’m down to earth as well. Heck the last guy I dated told me that it wasn’t me and stayed friends with me and always checks in and we are good friends now. He told me nothing wrong, he just didn’t feel romantic. Obviously I beat myself up a bit about that but that happens sometimes right? That you can do everything right bht someone doesn’t feel romantic?

[NuevoYorko]

You come off as needy, self absorbed and somewhat unrealistic. 

From the way you post, it seems like all you talk about with everyone is your dating woes and why nobody likes you.  "All your friends" tell you you're just perfect, it's not you, it's the men.  And here, you ae very defensive in order to make sure nobody here can think you might be doing something to contribute to your situation.

 

In service of your defensiveness,  you contradict yourself quite readily.  Your stories change at the drop of a hat; for example, you say you've never had a relationship, no guy ever comes on to you, etc.  But recently on this thread you are bringing up the guys you've dated and what they think of you.  You say you have NO friends because none of them have time for you since they all have boyfriends, and now you're talking a lot about all your friends.  And again, it seems like you are talking about this topic with them nonstop.  

That will push people away from you.  

If you are authentic, living your life with purpose,  and being solid and true friend, you will find your way to a relationship.   As it stands it really seems like you have a great deal of growing up to do - including learning to be accountable for yourself. 

 

Edited yesterday at 04:52 PM by NuevoYorko