Going to turn 30 and still never had a serious relationship

[PeachPalm1]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, that makes sense about the holiday.   

But still, the low contact between meetups, and him not wanting to get together when you had more time was your indicator.   Don't mistake disinterest with being slow and steady in the build up  

I just hope it wasn’t my fault. Maybe I just wasn’t what he was looking for 

 

me and him are very similar in personality. If you know about myers briggs, me and him are both intjs. I realise his exes and his new girlfriend are very sweet motherly women who work with children. I am very different to them although I am someone who wants children myself, just a different personality to those girls

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I just hope it wasn’t my fault. Maybe I just wasn’t what he was looking for 

me and him are very similar in personality. If you know about myers briggs, me and him are both intjs. I realise his exes and his new girlfriend are very sweet motherly women who work with children. I am very different to them although I am someone who wants children myself, just a different personality to those girls

The only thing you did wrong was not recognise his low interest for what it was.   A guy who's keen on you will want to see you and make as much time for you as he can.

If those previous women were the right personality for him, they'd still be together.  

[introverted1]

To summarize, you state you are intelligent, interesting, well-read, good-looking, in shape, honest, loyal, and a pretty much ideal partner. 

So why do you think men aren't interested? 

[PeachPalm1]

19 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

To summarize, you state you are intelligent, interesting, well-read, good-looking, in shape, honest, loyal, and a pretty much ideal partner. 

So why do you think men aren't interested? 

I think maybe just a numbers game, that I need to talk to more and more guys and maybe one will stick around one day. I think I will be a good partner but also gone through a lot of self acceptance lately. I get asked out a lot like in the supermarket and things like that, not by men I deem good partners as they are all after my looks but I hope a lovely normal man comes along soon. Perhaps I have just had bad luck

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think maybe just a numbers game, that I need to talk to more and more guys and maybe one will stick around one day. I think I will be a good partner but also gone through a lot of self acceptance lately. I get asked out a lot like in the supermarket and things like that, not by men I deem good partners as they are all after my looks but I hope a lovely normal man comes along soon. Perhaps I have just had bad luck

I keep telling guys this when they ask about cold approaches!  Why would a woman go out with a guy who asks her based on her looks?

Yes, it's a numbers game, but you also need to know when to cut your losses.   This guy wasn't going to work out, and neither was the PT in your previous thread.  Even if you're keen on someone, don't continue with them if they don't show enthusiasm for you

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think maybe just a numbers game, that I need to talk to more and more guys and maybe one will stick around one day. I think I will be a good partner but also gone through a lot of self acceptance lately. I get asked out a lot like in the supermarket and things like that, not by men I deem good partners as they are all after my looks but I hope a lovely normal man comes along soon. Perhaps I have just had bad luck

I asked you a questions up thread you didn’t answer.

 

I have a feeling you are unapproachable or aloof or maybe you come off as abrasive.  A common issue with men is id have no problem working with her but I don’t want to date her.

 

the guys are saying I’m interested in you, I’d like to get to know you but it’s hard to have a deep convo in a supermarket.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I am very different to them although I am someone who wants children myself, just a different personality to those girls

How do you even know what their personalities are like? 

Do you know these women personally? 

[PeachPalm1]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

I asked you a questions up thread you didn’t answer.

 

I have a feeling you are unapproachable or aloof or maybe you come off as abrasive.  A common issue with men is id have no problem working with her but I don’t want to date her.

 

the guys are saying I’m interested in you, I’d like to get to know you but it’s hard to have a deep convo in a supermarket.

 

 

What question? Can you reshare I missed it. I’m on my phone not my laptop as I’m away on a trip. It always displays weird and hard to see other messages when multiple replies 

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I think maybe just a numbers game, that I need to talk to more and more guys

Then why do you have 5 threads asking the same thing, some of them going on for 20 pages?

Something about you is off-putting to the "lovely normal" men you wish to date.  Yet no matter what we suggest might be the issue, you assert is not a problem.  This means that whatever the problem is, it is something you are blind to or that cannot be deduced on a message board (possibly both).  Which brings me back to my original suggestion that you work with a counselor.  They can observe you in real time and provide actual feedback -- not just guesses -- about what is holding you back from achieving the interpersonal goals you have set. 

Good luck. 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

What question? Can you reshare I missed it. I’m on my phone not my laptop as I’m away on a trip. It always displays weird and hard to see other messages when multiple replies 

14th Post down on page 3 posted on Tuesday 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Then why do you have 5 threads asking the same thing, some of them going on for 20 pages?

Something about you is off-putting to the "lovely normal" men you wish to date.  Yet no matter what we suggest might be the issue, you assert is not a problem.  

This in itself is quite off-putting even here on this board.  It's like we are speaking into a void.  

OP,  I have to say that until you are prepared to take an honest look at yourself, your behavior, and your own issues, your romantic and social life will remain pretty stuck.  

 

[NuevoYorko]

Too late to edit, but I wanted to add:  Somewhere on this thread or maybe one of the other ones, I remarked that you may come off as "needy."  Of course you immediately refuted that.  

Do you understand that having multiple lengthy threads where you seem to be mostly attention seeking comes off that way?  As needy?  Also as if you don't listen to people when they respond to you unless they happen to be saying what you would like to hear.     

These traits can definitely contribute to losing a man's interest.  

[basil67]

I can tell you the answer as to what's going on based on your posts here:

• The first guy you talked about kept you at a distance.  Instead of recognising that he wasn't that into you and moving on, you fixated on the reasons why it could have happened
• The second you talked about wasn't into you and again you were unable accept the idea that this was possible.  You fixated on this for so long that the thread was closed.
• The third guy wasn't that into you, so instead of recognising it you stayed patient hoping for a positive outcome...and then it ended
• The fourth guy wanted casual sex but you couldn't accept that he didn't want to be a boyfriend

The thing you're doing wrong is being desperate.  Instead of worrying about whether he is a good match for you, you're trying to figure out why you're not good enough for a guy who's not that into you.  You're not recognising their lack of interest.

Fact: most of the people we date won't be a match and you can't force it. 

Also, you mention on one thread that nobody approaches you....and you also mention that a lot of guys do approach you when you're out and about based on your looks.  Now, I certainly understand that you don't want to be asked out based on your looks, but it's patently false that nobody approaches you.

How about you stop wasting time on time wasters.  And perhaps agree to a short meetup with the guys who approach you when you're out.....just to see if he's worth dating.  You may find that one of them is a gem

 

 

 

[Els]

9 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Then why do you have 5 threads asking the same thing, some of them going on for 20 pages?

Something about you is off-putting to the "lovely normal" men you wish to date.  Yet no matter what we suggest might be the issue, you assert is not a problem.  This means that whatever the problem is, it is something you are blind to or that cannot be deduced on a message board (possibly both).  Which brings me back to my original suggestion that you work with a counselor.  They can observe you in real time and provide actual feedback -- not just guesses -- about what is holding you back from achieving the interpersonal goals you have set. 

Good luck. 

This. You are waaaaay above our pay grade, OP.

[Versacehottie]

OP, I don't think you have the best sense of yourself. Your multiple posts (and PERSONAS because I definitely am sure you've been other accounts on here previously) give the readers on here at least a basic impression of you.  Ironically, it's the opposite of what you are now conveying as your issue in securing dates. I'll start with a common theme I've seen over and over on your posts: you said on this thread that you are intelligent, etc yet you repeatedly use poor grammar that would indicate that you either don't have the intelligence, education or care to put the effort in to use proper grammar. I'm not trying to be the grammar police--I rarely (if ever) have commented on someone's grammar...I'm just trying to show to you what a person does and says give an impression of what they are about and what makes them tick, motivated and shows what sort of partner you'd be.

Many guys want someone that seems like a "lady" who brings their level up by association. Just taking the simple example of speech patterns & grammar, if you elevate that, you'd elevate your impression given.  I can think of other examples throughout your posting history where you do and say things that do not give off an "intelligent" vibe (sorry!). Book smart in terms of doing something in the science field doesn't necessarily translate into emotional intelligence where you can be mentally attractive & challenging to potential partners. 

You said it's "not your looks". Ok if I take your word on that, then by default, what's left is personality...Even if dating is somewhat difficult in London, you have to work on what is within your control--which is your side of it (looks, personality, effort you put toward dating, socializing strategy, etc).  If your looks are fine, let's start with: are you getting asked out by guys you aren't attracted to? That pretty much always happens if indeed you are good looking and in shape. If it doesn't at all, then you might need to reassess what your looks actually are, what your socializing is like, what your demeanor is? By demeanor, I mean that a person can be so off-putting, that they are not approached. You sound eager enough--where I'm not quite sure that is your problem.. That said, from your posts here, I get the sense that you operate in a mentally chaotic way, like no through line, very surface and no real way of CONNECTING with others.  If it's all about me, me, me and POSSESSING a boyfriend so that you can check it off some list, it's transactional and not that organically interesting. In order to BE interesting, you have to be interested...I'll give you a good example of that...with ANY advice you've received on this thread, have you replied back with a)gratefulness b)asking the poster to expand on some part of their post c)interacting to show that you've understood, agree etc d)infuse a bit of lightheartedness & fun & self-deprecation, etc....I didn't really go through this thread to see if you did any of this but you can ask yourself... my general overall impression is that you are defensiveness and blocked. On the "blocked" note, I would say that in a dating context this probably comes off as boring and detached. 

Lastly, I think when you get stuck in a narrative such as "i never" "no guy ever likes me" "i've never had a boyfriend", it becomes a story you are telling yourself that is hard to get out of. It will almost sabotage things before you even get started. I don't sense a lot of confidence from you. Which is what telling yourself those kind of stories over and over will do. How could you improve your self confidence? That is not dependent on whether or not someone else pays attention to you?  

Edited December 5, 2024 by Versacehottie

[ExpatInItaly]

You have very little insight as to how you come across, OP. 

That much is evident from all these looping threads. 

[PeachPalm1]

On 12/5/2024 at 9:03 PM, basil67 said:

I can tell you the answer as to what's going on based on your posts here:

• The first guy you talked about kept you at a distance.  Instead of recognising that he wasn't that into you and moving on, you fixated on the reasons why it could have happened
• The second you talked about wasn't into you and again you were unable accept the idea that this was possible.  You fixated on this for so long that the thread was closed.
• The third guy wasn't that into you, so instead of recognising it you stayed patient hoping for a positive outcome...and then it ended
• The fourth guy wanted casual sex but you couldn't accept that he didn't want to be a boyfriend

The thing you're doing wrong is being desperate.  Instead of worrying about whether he is a good match for you, you're trying to figure out why you're not good enough for a guy who's not that into you.  You're not recognising their lack of interest.

Fact: most of the people we date won't be a match and you can't force it. 

Also, you mention on one thread that nobody approaches you....and you also mention that a lot of guys do approach you when you're out and about based on your looks.  Now, I certainly understand that you don't want to be asked out based on your looks, but it's patently false that nobody approaches you.

How about you stop wasting time on time wasters.  And perhaps agree to a short meetup with the guys who approach you when you're out.....just to see if he's worth dating.  You may find that one of them is a gem

 

 

 

No cause I got approached in the supermarket by a man who wouldn’t take no as an answer and it made me feel uncomfortable, I got a bad gut feeling about it

[PeachPalm1]

22 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

OP, I don't think you have the best sense of yourself. Your multiple posts (and PERSONAS because I definitely am sure you've been other accounts on here previously) give the readers on here at least a basic impression of you.  Ironically, it's the opposite of what you are now conveying as your issue in securing dates. I'll start with a common theme I've seen over and over on your posts: you said on this thread that you are intelligent, etc yet you repeatedly use poor grammar that would indicate that you either don't have the intelligence, education or care to put the effort in to use proper grammar. I'm not trying to be the grammar police--I rarely (if ever) have commented on someone's grammar...I'm just trying to show to you what a person does and says give an impression of what they are about and what makes them tick, motivated and shows what sort of partner you'd be.

Many guys want someone that seems like a "lady" who brings their level up by association. Just taking the simple example of speech patterns & grammar, if you elevate that, you'd elevate your impression given.  I can think of other examples throughout your posting history where you do and say things that do not give off an "intelligent" vibe (sorry!). Book smart in terms of doing something in the science field doesn't necessarily translate into emotional intelligence where you can be mentally attractive & challenging to potential partners. 

You said it's "not your looks". Ok if I take your word on that, then by default, what's left is personality...Even if dating is somewhat difficult in London, you have to work on what is within your control--which is your side of it (looks, personality, effort you put toward dating, socializing strategy, etc).  If your looks are fine, let's start with: are you getting asked out by guys you aren't attracted to? That pretty much always happens if indeed you are good looking and in shape. If it doesn't at all, then you might need to reassess what your looks actually are, what your socializing is like, what your demeanor is? By demeanor, I mean that a person can be so off-putting, that they are not approached. You sound eager enough--where I'm not quite sure that is your problem.. That said, from your posts here, I get the sense that you operate in a mentally chaotic way, like no through line, very surface and no real way of CONNECTING with others.  If it's all about me, me, me and POSSESSING a boyfriend so that you can check it off some list, it's transactional and not that organically interesting. In order to BE interesting, you have to be interested...I'll give you a good example of that...with ANY advice you've received on this thread, have you replied back with a)gratefulness b)asking the poster to expand on some part of their post c)interacting to show that you've understood, agree etc d)infuse a bit of lightheartedness & fun & self-deprecation, etc....I didn't really go through this thread to see if you did any of this but you can ask yourself... my general overall impression is that you are defensiveness and blocked. On the "blocked" note, I would say that in a dating context this probably comes off as boring and detached. 

Lastly, I think when you get stuck in a narrative such as "i never" "no guy ever likes me" "i've never had a boyfriend", it becomes a story you are telling yourself that is hard to get out of. It will almost sabotage things before you even get started. I don't sense a lot of confidence from you. Which is what telling yourself those kind of stories over and over will do. How could you improve your self confidence? That is not dependent on whether or not someone else pays attention to you?  

Ok I will address the first comment here now, I don’t have bad grammar at all. I have normal grammar. Everyone makes mistakes when typing quickly but you can usually get a good grasp of a person from their overall text, so I disagree with comments on my intelligence regarding grammar. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

No cause I got approached in the supermarket by a man who wouldn’t take no as an answer and it made me feel uncomfortable, I got a bad gut feeling about it

How is your experience with one annoying man relevant to the lots of other men who ask you out?   

[PeachPalm1]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How is your experience with one annoying man relevant to the lots of other men who ask you out?   

Because they all come across that way, I get approached in a very sexually aggressive way. Comment on my bum or my figure. And it happens all the time when I go out. I am looking for someone who isn’t so sexually forward 

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Because they all come across that way, I get approached in a very sexually aggressive way. Comment on my bum or my figure. And it happens all the time when I go out. I am looking for someone who isn’t so sexually forward 

How do you go with online dating?

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

How do you go with online dating?

I usually send a message, I use bumble. I ask a question about their profile, or one of their hobbies based off picture. But they never ever ever reply. It’s hopeless. I got 100 matches over the last few weeks. Tried with things like ‘hey how are you?’ To more specific questions on their profile.

 

my profile has a mix of pictures showing my hobbies and some nice ones of me dressed up. My bio is ‘always down for new adventures, hiking and exploring new places. Looking for someone equally outdoorsy to join me’ 

 

so I don’t know what’s going on really. I’m going to give up now I think. 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I usually send a message, I use bumble. I ask a question about their profile, or one of their hobbies based off picture. But they never ever ever reply. It’s hopeless. I got 100 matches over the last few weeks. Tried with things like ‘hey how are you?’ To more specific questions on their profile.

my profile has a mix of pictures showing my hobbies and some nice ones of me dressed up. My bio is ‘always down for new adventures, hiking and exploring new places. Looking for someone equally outdoorsy to join me’

 

How many men do you message weekly?  

Have you jumped on a website to ask independent people to review your pictures and bio?   Your bio sounds very generic, perhaps it's time for a refresh?

 

Edited December 6, 2024 by basil67

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

How many men do you message weekly?  

Have you jumped on a website to ask independent people to review your pictures and bio?   Your bio sounds a bit generic, perhaps it's time for a refresh?

 

Yeh I posted my profile on Reddit and it all good quite good reviews and I made improvements. Including my hinge profile. I got 6 matches this week, I messaged them all and they didn’t reply. I find texting strangers really difficult and unnatural and I worry about saying the wrong things . It’s so easy for a man to just read your text as boring or over enthusiastic. 

[NuevoYorko]

Messages like "hey, how are you" combined with your basically generic profile aren't exactly inspiring, but if you're as good looking as you claim to be, guys should be giving you a shot anyway.