how to heal my own anger at my father

[thatwoman567]

All my life, I've held true to the phrase "i love my father, but I dont like him". I thought this was normal, until Ive met some really sweet dads and men who were actually nothing like my own father.

I respect and honor him for raising me and my family. However, he has anger and alcohol problems.

When he gets drunk, he says some mean things to me and everyone in my family. Our latest row had been about me being single and unmarried (at the time). He gives unsolicited advice when in a bad mood, criticises and acts like a d*ck. My mother has always taken his side and said that "when you find your own husband you will know". he treats her quite condescendingly as well, not allowing her to go out with friends, making fun of her weight, being a jerk. I wish they'd divorce. They keep snapping at each other. Its a terrible marriage to witness. They will probably never get divorced.

 

I hate being around my father, even just in the same house, alone. Last time we were together in the car, they'd just come back from vacation. He reeked of rum. I asked "whats that smell? like someone had been drinking." he hates when I mention his drinking. He didn't talk to any of us for the whole ride back.

 

I feel gaslit by my whole family into liking this man and I cannot stand him. He's unpredictable, an alcoholic, and rude. He tries to 'buy' my love by helping me both financially and phyically. I appreciate his help, but Im starting to wonder if I should stop accepting it.

 

I don't know what to do. I honor and respect my father for all he has done.  I know he is not his addiction or anger issues. But I cant stand pretending to like him. I need some advice from people in a similar situation...what can I do in this situation? I dont want to cut him off completely, but idk what else can solve my hurt.

 

Part of me has wanted to quit this city and live elsewhere. We dont live together in the same house, havent been for years, but just living in the same city is enough stress for me. Even talking on the phone pisses me off. There seems no corner on this earth far enough from the man.

[Gebidozo]

Have you had a serious conversation with your father about these issues? Perhaps you could tell him that if he continues to behave like this you’ll have to minimize your contact with him. Say that in a calm, polite manner, not as an invitation to have a fight. Maybe the fear of losing his daughter will push him towards a change.

And definitely stop accepting his help if you dislike him that much.

Moving to another city seems like overkill. You shouldn’t run away from your father. Rather, he needs to understand that he is going to lose the people he loves if he continues being a jerk. Your mother allows him to bully her instead of divorcing him. He is too used to always having his way. 

[thatwoman567]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Have you had a serious conversation with your father about these issues? Perhaps you could tell him that if he continues to behave like this you’ll have to minimize your contact with him. Say that in a calm, polite manner, not as an invitation to have a fight. Maybe the fear of losing his daughter will push him towards a change.

And definitely stop accepting his help if you dislike him that much.

Moving to another city seems like overkill. You shouldn’t run away from your father. Rather, he needs to understand that he is going to lose the people he loves if he continues being a jerk. Your mother allows him to bully her instead of divorcing him. He is too used to always having his way. 

I've never had a serious conversation with my father about these issues. I am scared to do so. I have in the past brought up my hurt when he is criticial, saying things like "I dont like it when you..." and "why can't you accept that I..." only to be told (in no exact terms) that I need to "know my place" and not "argue with your father" because its disrespectful. "I raised you, how dare you question my authority, I say what I want".

I dont think I would have the courage to be patient with him like that. I doubt he'd care. In recent years he tells me he loves me every time i leave the house or if he visits. I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But I do not trust him. He doesn't genuinely appoligize for his behaviour. After a row, he says "Im sorry. Okay? dont be mad at me. You know how I am!" and its infuriating because of course Ill forgive him. But I don't trust him. I dont trust him at all. I dont think he realizes how much he hurts me.

He is used to having his way. I dont know if this relationship has influenced, yes probably it has, the fact that I hate confronting people in general. I love keeping the peace, i like to be easy. If I feel like if I confront him, nothing will change, he wont give a damn.....

I dont know how I could go about having such a conversation. I have talked about him to my mom and she seems sympathetic to how I feel, but even she is powerless to tell him.

[Gebidozo]

Then maybe you should minimize your contact with him.

“You know how I am” is a classic attitude of selfish people who are unwilling to change. He thinks people should love him and be with him no matter how he is. Your mother has been condoning and encouraging such behavior for years. You shouldn’t be doing the same.

Tell him this, “Dad, I’ve been trying to talk to you, but you ignore everything I have to say, you only care about your own feelings, and you’ve been very disrespectful to me. For that reason, even though I continue to care for you, I won’t be having as much contact with you as before. If you want to spend more time with me, you’re going to have to change”.

Regardless of what he says then, minimize your contact with him. Call and visit him less than before, show with your actions that those words weren’t just a threat.

[thatwoman567]

20 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then maybe you should minimize your contact with him.

“You know how I am” is a classic attitude of selfish people who are unwilling to change. He thinks people should love him and be with him no matter how he is. Your mother has been condoning and encouraging such behavior for years. You shouldn’t be doing the same.

Tell him this, “Dad, I’ve been trying to talk to you, but you ignore everything I have to say, you only care about your own feelings, and you’ve been very disrespectful to me. For that reason, even though I continue to care for you, I won’t be having as much contact with you as before. If you want to spend more time with me, you’re going to have to change”.

Regardless of what he says then, minimize your contact with him. Call and visit him less than before, show with your actions that those words weren’t just a threat.

Thank you for your insights. Yes I need to set a boundary and honor my feelings. I need to make that distance known. I cant force him to change his ways or accept anything, but I can give myself room for clarity

[ShyViolet]

I can relate.  My father is not a good person, he was very verbally and emotionally abusive my whole life, and he left me with a lot of emotional damage.  When I became an adult the only thing I could do was distance myself from him.  He lives only maybe a mile from me, but I very rarely see him.  At times that he has become particularly toxic to me, I have cut contact with him.  The longest I didn't speak to him was about 6 months.  I blocked his number on my phone.  Then I decided to unblock it and have occasional contact, but I have told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever becomes disrespectful, abusive in any way, his number will be blocked again and he will not be hearing from me.  Period.  He knows it and he has definitely been on better "behavior" since then.  

When you have a toxic family member that causes you anguish and is bad for your well being, you have every right to do that.  Maybe what you need to do is just stop speaking to him.  It doesn't necessarily have to be permanent, maybe it can be for a few months so he gets the message that you're not tolerating this anymore.  You are not obligated to continue to take abuse or toxic behavior from a family member.