Girlfriend of 5 years broke up over text while working abroad, now she's in a relationship with someone else and I'm struggling to cope.

[22Skow]

Hi Everyone who reads this, this is my first time posting anything on the internet, I have never posted anything online before so hopefully it's not too awful a read, I apologize as it's very long, but I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Context. I M(22) got broken up with by my partner of 5 years F(22), over text and out of the blue. From December 2023 she was working on a cruise ship and came back September this year. At this point I was living with her family in their house, and I was studying at uni. I basically lived there for 3 years. I thought everything was going well considering the very long distance, I was obviously just missing her a lot. At the end of July she then suddenly says she wants a break until she's back as she can't see a future with me, I will go over the reasons shortly. Fast forward to early August and she sent another text message saying "I want to break up with you, like fully, I've developed feelings for someone else". Trying to even described how devastated and heartbroken I was is basically Impossible, but I want through a very bad time where I slept on my mums sofa for 3 weeks and lost over 4KG in weight. The reasons for the breakup according to her are because of how she has changed as a person, and how we are not compatible, that I have no ambitions, that I have no skills, and that I dont want to live an exciting life, and that my mental health took a toll on her. There is some very valid reasons here in that my mental health (anxiety) was awful for the last 5 years in that I find it very difficult to travel, go out places, make and keep friends and so on, and in 5 years she never met my grandparents because I was so scared of the interaction being awkward. This I fully understand as a reason to want to split as it made her not feel part of the family, and I will always regret that. However, I got paid therapy to address all of these issues (about a year before she went on the cruise) and got more to be able to get on a plane for the first time and visit her home country, which was huge for me. I did all these things and she came out with that she had to shove me into everything and I couldn't make decisions on my own, which fair enough, has credit to it, I understand that really i wasnt emotionally capable to be in a relationship from 16 when i had so many issues, but i just couldnt take my eyes off her. We also planned to go visit my grandparents a few weeks before she left, but the company called her on early so that never happened. While she was away I learned to drive, I graduated university with a first class, I was applying to my first jobs (also never had one before, which was part of the reason, she claims my lack of job is laziness and no ambition, even though again I had therapy to address the issue, and I now have my first job, I did have one accepted but I had to decline as she broke up with me on the day I found out I got it but I had to move house). I told her all of this, but all I got back was "I'm busy" or "talk about it later", and the longer she was away the more frequent that got. She said that halfway through she started loving me like a brother, and cared for me differently, and held pnto the idea of being together, but she never once spoke to me about any of her concerns about our relationship, so I was living believing everything was going good, maybe a bit naive, but I believed it. Then it all came crashing down. She agreed to have an in person chat when she got back , and we did, but she only gave us 2 hours as she didn't want us to go in circles, but I see that as cowardly,  after 5 years, to give 2 hours for closure after what id been put through, maybe I'm wrong, say what you think. And I agreed to no contact to try move on.

I have a night shift retail job so it's depressing with the light as is, but it's good money for me to find my feet while I go through this and build a portfolio for a career I want. The difficulty is I've lost a second family, as I spent all of my time over with her family, as her job and college was over there, so I spent all my time there. Her mum has been very supportive, and was a good friend to me whilst she was away, and so it feels like I've lost an aunt, I've also lost all our pet cats, one in particular which was ours, and this cat followed me around night and day, now I cant ever see them again. I also have 3 cats at my mums which were our cats litter, so every day I'm reminded of what ive lost. I think about her every day and try to get through my life trying to move on, and im not afraid to admit no matter how much she hurt me and changed, I still have feelings of love for her. Even after tonight, which is what made me write this. I found out she is already in a new relationship with the person she developed feelings for (which she said was irrelevant to her breaking up with me), but I never knew about this person, who she was apparently friends with for months, and now they are together, and it feels like my heart is broken all over again, I had to sit in the locker room at work for over an hour to cry it out. I thought I was doing well but the fact she could do everything to me, then get within someone a few months afterwards genuinely kills me, and I dont really know how to get over it, or how to move on. One of the big things is imaging her being physically with someone else, I know its something I shouldn't think of, but she's still all I think about and she's already getting close and personal, if you get my meaning, with someone and it makes my chest physically hurt. And I just don't know what steps to take and how to heal. If anyone has any ideas, support, or similar stories that we could just discuss together it would be amazing, as I'm in a very very very dark place at the moment. Thank you for reading, it means a lot.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much. I know many of us have been where you are, at some point in our lives. It's an awful feeling. 

There's no quick or easy way to heal. It will take time, But you will. Let it out when you need to let it out.  Set little goals for yourself each day, whether that's just getting out for a walk around the block or a coffee at your local cafe. Expect that there will be ups and downs and it some days will be worse than others. But trust the process, and that a few months from now you will be better than where you are currently. That generally keeps getting better. 

You say you're at your mother's place, which is good. Have you got a couple friends you could also talk to? What was your social life like outside the relationship? 

Hang in there, and write here when you need to. 

[22Skow]

Thank you, I try my best to, I have therapy in the daytime but as i work a night shift I find it very difficult to go out anywhere in the daytime.

I do have a few friends. I have my 2 brothers and 1 friend who is basically a third brother, we all play video games together online. And then I have a group from university I play D&D with every 3 weeks or so (huge nerd I know), but I dont really text them, I find it very hard to just do general chat. And that was the same during the relationship, I only really had those same people, and I never had close friends during high school or college, So when I was waiting for my partner to come home, I was waiting on my best friend, and that makes it all the more difficult.

I hope it does get better, as its been about 4 months of just pain. Thank you for your reply.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, 22Skow said:

I hope it does get better,

It does. I am twice your age and have had a couple significant heartbreaks in my day, and can assure you there are brighter days ahead. 

I am glad you have your brothers and some social activities. It will important to stay engaged with those as you heal. 

How recently did you find out she is dating someone else, and who told you? 

[fadi20]

I've enjoyed reading your post. I don't have specific techniques to help you overcome your feelings for the girl you love, but sometimes ignoring and forgetting can be the way forward. Life is full of challenges, and as you face new ones, you will naturally forget the old ones.

Stand up, embrace your new journey with ambition, and trust me, you will meet your new soulmate.

[Gebidozo]

Such heartbreaks are normal, common, and nearly inevitable, especially at your age.

Unfortunately, there is no quick magical cure here. Take your time to heal. I’m more than twice your age and I had quite a few heartbreaks that left me devastated. When I was 21 a girl broke up with me and I was almost contemplating suicide. Just under 3 years ago, a 7-year long relationship ended and I swore I won’t have love and romance ever again. But now I find myself in the best relationship of my life.

I assure you it will get better. Hang in there and focus hard on other aspects of your life. Work, hobbies, traveling, friends, books, movies, games, food and so on. Make yourself occupied. Be busy all the time, and train yourself to stop thinking about that girl.

[22Skow]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How recently did you find out she is dating someone else, and who told you? 

She messaged me asking to send her something that I "left" with. And her profile picture was her with this new man. Who was apparently always irrelevant. I will admit I called her out on in as she told me she didn't want any relationship while she was on these cruises, and that she broke up to work on herself. She proceeded to say that she can't wallow over what she did to me and im being selfish by expecting her to reflect on what she did. And it's just like another betrayal, even if we are not together, and if just makes me feel stupid.

[22Skow]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

and train yourself to stop thinking about that girl.

Thank you for your reply, as much as a horrible thought that it's happened to someone else, it's comforting to know people have gone through the same thing and got out okay. What would you say is the best way to train myself, as I do all the things you listed, but she keeps popping into my head with everything I do.

[22Skow]

4 hours ago, fadi20 said:

Stand up, embrace your new journey with ambition, and trust me, you will meet your new soulmate.

Thank you, ive got my first job now, and ive got an event coming up in a few weeks that could be an entrance into the career I want, so I am trying to focus on that, so I do have new things that are happening for me I guess, hopefully.

[Gebidozo]

47 minutes ago, 22Skow said:

What would you say is the best way to train myself, as I do all the things you listed, but she keeps popping into my head with everything I do.

Repeat to yourself the simple truth that she is not the love of your life and that it’s a good thing that she broke up with you now and not after 30 years. At the same time, be grateful for the experience and consider your life enriched thanks to that relationship. Rejoice at the prospect of future romances that you are now able to pursue.

[TeddyBundy1993]

It's happens sadly there is not easy way out. Long distance barely works I have been in few and it ends this way only. There is nothing you can do to expedite your healing process take it slow & don't supress your feelings. Talk to someone and take your time. 5 years is a long time and it will take time but eventually you'll be over it one day. Go no contact, enough closure have been given to you. 

You are young and yet to see a lot in life maybe meeting someone new will happen in future, most of us here have gone through the same and know how it feels like being dumped. As far as your ex is concerned be sure she was already with her new beau while being with you and it's easy for her to move on because she's already over you in long while and ended things with you much later than she realised she should. Pack up mate thats how life of a man is. Focus on your career, stay fit go to gym it will keep physically fit. Meanwhile as time passes her memory fades in your memory lane and probably you'll be fine again

[MsJayne]

You're going through the worst part now, the 'acceptance' part of a break-up, so you have my sympathy. You need to project your thoughts into the future, try to focus on possibilities and goals, (I know that's hard when you're being eaten up inside), imagine yourself looking back on this relationship in ten years time, as a fond memory instead of a painful experience. It's not what you want to hear, but it sounds like you and your ex were incompatible, and life was bound to expose that sooner or later. Maybe ponder the idea that clinging on to a false belief about a relationship and idolising a past partner can hinder your chances of finding happiness in the future. Maybe speaking to a grief and loss counsellor would help you move forward, it can be really beneficial to verbalise your grief as talking out loud about it can go a long way to clearing the fug of thoughts and memories.

[Shreey]

It's no easy way to say but time will heal the wound, and the most important is cut all contact with her!! it would be best also with her friends or anything that connected to her. DO NOT stalk her social media. Let her vanish from your sight and mind. It won't be easy, as soon as you cut all contact you will feel hard at first but this is the best way to get over her and make yourself feel better. Focus on hobby, or something you passion about, surround yourself with family and friends who don't talk about her! and do not talk about her!! 

I have the same experience and it was so so hard back then but when I think of it now I feel nothing and laugh at it and thought to myself why the hell am I wasting my time to think and loving someone who doesn't love me! eventhough when we were together he said that he loves me and bla! He wouldn't leave me if he really loves me would he? 

You and only you can decide, and take all the good advice here! I came here years ago with the same problem, trust me all of us here are really helping each other! CUT CONTACT IMMEDIATELY! Hope you get better soon, take care of your heart! 

[22Skow]

20 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Focus on your career, stay fit go to gym it will keep physically fit.

Thank you, I really liked your response, this stuck out as my job is one that does keep me currently fit, but im building a portfolio for a career I want, so that's my current goal. It sticks our as she made a comment I have no ambitions and I'm lazy because she now has a good career at 21, so it's one of those things I need to try find passion for again, as she made it feel like what I was doing wasn't worth it.

 

[22Skow]

16 hours ago, MsJayne said:

it sounds like you and your ex were incompatible,

Thank you for your reply. Yes this is something I have started to reflect on, as we met so young we didn't really know what people we were, so there is some small comfort in that. One of those things that I cling onto is that she didn't tell me for almost a year that she changed, and now she found someone else immediately, so it feel like I was living some sort of lie.

 

[22Skow]

7 hours ago, Shreey said:

CUT CONTACT IMMEDIATELY! Hope you get better soon, take care of your heart! 

Thank you very much. I actually have done that today. I decided to block her on absolutely everything and left a last message saying not to try contact me again. As she blocked me initially, then messaged asking for a controller of all things, and then revealed she has a new person, I don't know why she would do that and it was pretty cruel considering, but yes I said my piece and have fully blocked. Hopefully that does make it easier.

[MsJayne]

4 minutes ago, 22Skow said:

One of those things that I cling onto is that she didn't tell me for almost a year that she changed, and now she found someone else immediately, so it feel like I was living some sort of lie.

 

That’s understandable, but she was the liar, not you. Given the way she picked you apart with her negative judgments of you it’s no wonder you’re traumatised by the break up. Being condescending towards you says a lot more about her than it does about you. I’m glad you’ve blocked her, it’s a step forward 😊

[22Skow]

21 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I’m glad you’ve blocked her, it’s a step forward 😊

It was very hard to do, and yesterday she ended up emailing me with a 7 day notice about a VR controller I accidentally took when I left (we both had one I took the wrong one) Admittedly I said I will by myself a new one so she can aswell, and that was a bit petty, but it was just after she showed me a picture of her with her new thing, so I was just all over the place and wanted no interaction at all. But thats been something that has almost completely reset me back, as she made it our like I was stealing and she would contact the police, I know they couldn't do anything, and I agreed to send it because I just cant deal with it anymore, but to get that from someone you adored and thought was different, do something like that after what they've already done, its a very hard pill to swallow.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, 22Skow said:

it was just after she showed me a picture of her with her new thing

Wait, so she randomly sent you a picture of her with her new boyfriend? 

[22Skow]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, so she randomly sent you a picture of her with her new boyfriend? 

On whatsapp you can select who can and can't see your profile picture. She hid it from me a few months ago. When we were discussing the controller, the profile picture appeared for a good minute or so and showed her with her new. Yes it wasn't a photo sent. But that's a clear deliberate act as you have to physically choose if someone can see it.

[22Skow]

I dont know if she just wanted a reaction or anything, it did get one as I was obviously distressed about it, but it's just unnecessary and made me feel like s***

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, 22Skow said:

I dont know if she just wanted a reaction or anything, it did get one as I was obviously distressed about it, but it's just unnecessary and made me feel like s***

Let's assume she did do this on purpose. There's only one reason she would do it, and that's to inflict hurt, and that tells you two things. 1. She still has feelings for you and is hurting herself so feels the need to make you share the pain.  2. She is immature and spiteful.  I'd be telling her to shove the VR controller up her a**. 

[22Skow]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I'd be telling her to shove the VR controller up her a**. 

That gave me a much needed laugh haha thank you. I did reply to the email with quite a lot of, let's say unnecessary information, but it takes an awful lot to me reach that point and that was kind of the final straw. So it was a weird one as I felt really horrible sending it, but at the same time I have kind of just taken everything on the chin, so felt good to say some things.

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, 22Skow said:

That gave me a much needed laugh haha thank you. I did reply to the email with quite a lot of, let's say unnecessary information, but it takes an awful lot to me reach that point and that was kind of the final straw. So it was a weird one as I felt really horrible sending it, but at the same time I have kind of just taken everything on the chin, so felt good to say some things.

Yes! Taking some power back. 🏆

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, 22Skow said:

On whatsapp you can select who can and can't see your profile picture. She hid it from me a few months ago. When we were discussing the controller, the profile picture appeared for a good minute or so and showed her with her new. Yes it wasn't a photo sent. But that's a clear deliberate act as you have to physically choose if someone can see it.

Yes, I use What's App all the time. I am familiar with the features. 

In this case, I don't think she was trying to get a reaction from you. I think it was her rather cowardly way of being honest with you, though (that she is with someone else now, I mean) It doesn't appear as though she is mature enough to have directly let you know, so this was how she did it. Maybe she didn't want you to have false hope for a reconciliation or something. It's hard to say but I actually don't think it was delberate act of provocation on her part. I see it more as her passive way of communicating the truth about her. 

That doesn't make it less painful, I realize.  I am sorry this has been so hard, but know that it will get better.