on rape

[broken_doll_18]

hi, i am hoping i could get some advice on how to go in to a relationship after rape.

i have been with my new partner for a few weeks and yes some time in the future we are going to want to have sex, but i cant even imagin what it would be like now. i have so little faith in men now that i dont think it will be the same.

i was raped by an ex-boyfriend who abused me physically as well, i have tried bloking it out and not thinking about it but when i do it seems to come back with avengance. he has really hurt me physically and mentally, please give me help and advice on how to deal with something like this as i dont know what elce to do.

my partner does not know about what happened to me, dont get me wrong im not scared to tell him (i think) im just scared of his reaction.

HELP

[whichwayisup]

Have you ever sought therapy for yourself? If not, you could consider it to help you gain confidence and learn how to heal.

 

I do believe that he should know what happened to you. I completely understand your reservations about telling him and all your fears...But the more honest you are, the more he'll understand. I'm assuming you're scared that he'll leave if you tell him?

 

I don't mean to pry, but how long ago did you and the ex break up? And how long have you been seeing the recent guy.

 

I am sorry for what you've been through.

[broken_doll_18]

yes you are right i am scared he will leave if he knows.

me and the ex have been broken up for 4 years, and my new boyfriend and i have been together for 7 weeks.

no i haven't had counciling or anything like that as i did think that it was my fault and i would be judged by the person who i was talking to, my close friend has been a great help and has tryed to get me to talk about it, but i find it really hard to talk about it in detail. does that sound stupid?. i have only just started to realise that it wasnt my fault etc, and i am going to seek help, but i dont know where to get the help.

thank you for replying.

[slubberdegullion]

BD, you're confusing a couple of things. Rape is not an act of sex. Rape is violence. It has nothing to do with sexual contact, other than the fact that he assaulted your vagina rather than your face or any other part of you.

 

That said, it's very very common for rape survivors to feel ashamed and guilt-ridden. You're not alone, not by a long shot.

 

If you're looking for advice, this is what I would propose:

• Lodge a complaint with the police. This is not only for you, but to help other women in your situation that may be faced by this dude in the future;
  
• Get counselling. There are rape crisis centers all over the continent, and they deal with this sort of thing every single day;
  
• Integrate the understanding that what he did to you was an act of violence, not a sexual act. This is easier said than done, but with help it will work;
  
• Don't tell your new bf just yet. Honesty is usually the best policy, but the sense I get is that you're still somewhat fragile. Wait until you're stronger to tell him, but when you do, tell him the truth;
  
• Remember, your memories do not control you, you control them. So when it all comes flooding back - and it will - honour them and then put them aside to be dealt with professionally, and do something good for yourself.

 

Good luck.

[broken_doll_18]

well now i've gone and messed up that relationship, i couldnt handle being close to my boyfriend so i had to end it, have i done the right thing?

[roxyg]

You need to stop thinking that what you do is wrong. It is probably better for you right now to stay out of a relationship, only because you haven't dealt with what happened to you. Usually a counselor will not pass any judgement on the person they are helping. I told a few people that I had been raped, and I thought that's all I needed to do. I didn't go to the police for fear of being chastised by a community that is too small to forgive and forget. Everything was always easier said than done, it has taken me years of resentment and pain to get passed what happened to me. I never thought it actually affected me as much as it did, the memory of rape hangs on to not only the mind but the body as well. I could never feel as if I were fully clean, I could sit in the shower for hours trying to scrub off the filfth, the hands that grabbed me, and the pain that it all caused me. I'm still trying to work on everything, it's all a healing process, but the sooner you talk with a professional counselor the better it will be for you to move on from all that pain. Good luck in finding a counselor, ask around for opinions, and do your own searching in the process. Some people after this happens feel more comfortable in talking with a female, my counselor is male, and was referred to me by a great friend. When the time is right, you can always let your current ex-b/f know that what you did was for your self, not about him, if you two are still in contact, if not, then it wasn't meant to be.

[broken_doll_18]

I didn't go to the police for fear of being chastised by a community that is too small to forgive and forget.

i was the same i never went to the police either, plus i go to a local group called sure start, they have a privert and confidencial unit for people with problems and issues. many times i have gone but just looked trough the door, i couldnt pick up the courage to go in.

the only person i feel confident with is my best friend and she tries and tries to get me to talk about it, i have tried to but i just break down, and all my words get mixed up.

i used to be such a out going and confident person always going out with friends etc, but now all i do is stay in the house watchin the clock, i hardly sleep, when i do its only for a few hours:

i just hope that my ex can forgive me and understand.

thank you!!

[boshemia]

If you don't deal with it now, you will have to deal with it later. I managed to ignore it for four years and then it came out that I wasn't the only victim of this creep. Even worse he hurt someone else I was close to, she is like a little sister to me.

 

Four years later I still had to face it... I couldn't stand for my husband to touch me, I felt sick, and used... I's sorry but it doesn't go away by ignoring it, nothing does. It's hard, but once you face it it does get a little easier.

 

And you need to be honest with any man that comes into your life... he needs to know about it. He needs to understand that you are fragile, and pressure will only break you...

 

Playing games with your own head isn't good... but the people at the rape crisis centers are really cool. They are most likely there because they have had a similar experience, a lot of us have. You aren't alone, I know of seven girls that have had the same experience with the same guy now. I thought i was the only one, I thought it was my fault, and I thought somehow I deserved it...

 

You need a lot of support, and any man who truly loves you will understand that I promise. My husband held me night after night afterwards, witing for me to stop pulling away, stop pushing him away... he was patient and he just waited for me to be ready again... Sometimes he got frustrated and told me so, but he also told me that he loved me and would try to support me...

 

That's the only kind of guy you need right now, anything else will revictimize you... okay?

 

Go talk to the woman at the crisis center... they are there for you. It's okay to let it be about you right now, it really is...

[broken_doll_18]

i feel as though i havent got the right to be thinking about me, because there are people who are worse off then me. if that makes any sence what so ever.its weired the way i feel in fact i dont know how i feel at the moment. i totally understand where your coming from though, and i appreciate all the advice thank you

[witabix]

I hope you read this BD.

 

I can, even as a man, echo some of the things I have read in the above posts.

 

My gf has talked about never feeling clean, even after a shower. I have held my gf close to me, to let her know she can trust me. I have no details, I only something happened, not what actually happened.

 

I have borne the brunt of her frustration, and will continue to do so, for as long as I can. Even though I have received advice that I am not her counsellor, nor am I here to fix her. Advice given freely and in good faith, and I accept it as that.

 

You are not to blame.

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

It is NOT your fault.

 

It is the fault of the thing that did this to you. It looked like a man. It was not. It was a deeply flawed person. Not a product of his past, he has NO excuses for what he did. You do not have to let him continue hurting you.

 

You will find that most men will be understanding, and outraged, by what has happened to you. These are not special men, these are normal everyday men.

 

We not all monsters.

 

You have to believe this.

 

If you want counselling you probably know where to get it. I am no counsellor, just a guy, like so many other guys.

[broken_doll_18]

You will find that most men will be understanding, and outraged, by what has happened to you. These are not special men, these are normal everyday men.

 

We not all monsters.

 

witabix i hope your right, i dont think i could cope with letting someone close know just for them to turn there back on me, its hard enough as it is, you said that your g/f never feels clean even after having a shower thats so true. i really know where shes coming from, to be honest i never thought i would have a man reply to my thread. its good to have a males view sometimes, my friends b/f is amazing he was the one who had to pick me up from places ive never been to before. after this attack i used to think that the answer was at the bottom of a few bottles of vodka. im not going to stress on that because thats all stopped.

[witabix]

Just so you know Slubs a guy too.

 

Glad to hear that you realise the answers are not in the bottle.

 

I do not have the answers either.

 

I want you to know that I do support you in your search for peace. I wish there were some magic wand or potion I could offer to you.

 

All I can offer is this. I hate your attacker, I hate what he has done to you. I would never blame the victim of such a terrible thing for what has happened to them.

 

Please try to trust some one. Don't let this carry on. If you find some one who cares about you, and you care about them, let them know. Let them know how much you have been hurt, let them know how scared you are.

 

I have been through this now with two women. I can still see the fear and hurt on their faces as they told me of what had happened.

 

One girl told me the whole story, from beginning to end, how it had affected her family, what had been done to her, everything. That was a long time ago, and I still remember how I felt.

 

So you know that men can be empathic, and I am in NO WAY unusual in this, this is how I felt.

 

Anger at the man, he was never caught, but I wished I could find him.

 

Relief that she felt she could tell me. A major trust had been given to me.

 

She wanted to work through it with me, and we did, I think successfully for her.

 

My current SO has told me something has happened to her. I have almost no details, and at the moment she does not want to talk. So my reaction this time is different.

 

I have let her know that she may talk to me at anytime, about anything, that I will listen.

 

I do not question her.

 

We have had a majorly troubled time recently. But I know that this is an underlying problem for her. I get the feeling that she is working through it on her own, but I hope that she can eventually trust me enough to share her pain.

 

And maybe that is what I am saying. When you love a person you want them to share everything with you, especially something so painful for them that they would rather leave you than tell you about it.

 

It is not your fault, it never was and it never will be.

[Astarte]

I hope you listen to what I say and even more I hope, it gets through to you.

I got raped at 16, the first time ever I had "sex".

But a rape is no sex, it's a violation, me and you and many others are crime-victims, VICTIMS, not the ones to blame, not your fault, not my fault, not any woman's fault.

We got victims of poor, sick and dangerous arseholes, of criminals.

I was ashamed, I didn't talk about it, no police, no councelling, no therapy.

No trust, no lust, no access to myself or others.

I was numb for years refusing to deal with it, but it broke through with all its might and nearly destroyed me.

So I made a therapy and learned to deal with it. Had to learn to trust again. Hard work, no illusions there.

It was so worth it, as today I am a free and lucky woman, I have self-esteem, I got so strong and balanced, I have the most wonderful and satisfying sex as I can let go into it completely, I am alive, not just the shadow of myself anymore.

It's all about YOU, you have all right in the world to feel grief and pain and fear, but please...realize, you don't need to be ashamed, you are the VICTIM not the criminal, get help, get support, get a therapy, you are more than worth it and it will be.

And if you ever should meet a guy who can't deal with what happened, he is not worth you.

Don't hide it in any future relationships, I've not met a man who was awkward when he heard my story, I've met fantastic guys and especially one who loves me with all the past and present and future and if you allow yourself to heal and if you take it in your hands (as no one else can), you'll be fine, even stronger than you are already and you'll get over it.

It never is away completely, but you can really live with it without it affecting you in a way that is destructive and puts you to borders.

I wish you love, love and love and strength, loads !!!!

[broken_doll_18]

wow erm i dont know what to say well i have actually started theapy, kind of anyway the woman from rape crisis is coming to my home just to evluate what needs to be done. so i am starting to think of myself as my friend keeps telling me. time to start looking on the bright side thank you all xxx

[sparticuss]

wow erm i dont know what to say well i have actually started theapy, kind of anyway the woman from rape crisis is coming to my home just to evluate what needs to be done. so i am starting to think of myself as my friend keeps telling me. time to start looking on the bright side thank you all xxx

 

 

Doll! Whatever you do DON'T just take your therapy from this woman no matter how expert she thinks she is or claims to be.

 

Sure she can say "rape is an act of violence not sex" but so can my parrott if I teach it to.

 

She doesn't have the background or upbringing to fully understand violence. No woman has. From that fight with the neghbours kid aged four, till the day she is raped aged 14 the average woman is both protected and banned from violence while little boys are tolerated and even encouraged to partake in violenct sports.

 

A feamale counseller can help you with these feelings fo feeling dirty all the time (Belive me I can't understand what you are talking about. I'm not being cruel. I'm being honest. And I'm being male.)

 

But you should seek counselling from the "Men against Rape" groups for good male counsellers.

 

 

I'll finish by answering another of your questions.

 

Should you have told him. ?????

 

Answer- Not right away.

 

Reason - Not becasue he regards you as a tainted woman. But because he will have aprehensions about if you can EVER enjoy a normal relationship, including sex.

 

Male and female counselling m dear. Definitely.

[broken_doll_18]

S, just so you know my councilling has started as of yesturday, and what i meant by saying i have kind of started therapy and a woman from rape crisis is coming out to my home, is she is my councilor and fully trained in this sort of thing, she also had a 'bad experiance' with a male i dont know what exactly but anyway i would not feel comfortable with talking to a man about what i am going through and what happened, its ok on hear because im not face to face with a man but if i was i surely wouldnt be talking about that.

[witabix]

S, just so you know my councilling has started as of yesturday, and what i meant by saying i have kind of started therapy and a woman from rape crisis is coming out to my home, is she is my councilor and fully trained in this sort of thing, she also had a 'bad experiance' with a male i dont know what exactly but anyway i would not feel comfortable with talking to a man about what i am going through and what happened, its ok on hear because im not face to face with a man but if i was i surely wouldnt be talking about that.

 

Excellent news BD. I am really pleased.

 

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.

 

I understand how you would not feel comfortable talking face to face with a man. That is perfectly understandable.

 

But you can do it here. I think there are some rape counselors on here, males too.

 

I am NOT, repeat NOT, a counselor of any description.

 

I have experienced rape and abuse only second hand, through the lives of friends and SO's.

 

All I want to offer you here is that it is totally possible that a regular guy can hear this and not be affected adversely.

 

I'll finish by answering another of your questions.

 

Should you have told him. ?????

 

Answer- Not right away.

 

Reason - Not becasue he regards you as a tainted woman. But because he will have aprehensions about if you can EVER enjoy a normal relationship, including sex.[/quote[

 

That is possibly true, I have faced this before, and I am at the moment.

 

I honestly believe that anyone can recover from anything given support, commitment, time, and the self will to want to.

[broken_doll_18]

thank you witabix, i am pritty nervous about it though. its weired because i could not talk about this with anyone but since i have been on here and read a few of other peoples attacks then i realised that i could get advice off here to. i did not realise that men repled to things like this so i was a bit cautious about carrying on with my thread, untill i thought about it and realised that it could be a huge help for me to maybe listen to a mans view on it.

ill keep all of you informed as to how things go

thank you once again!

[witabix]

Thats my pleasure BD.

 

I am happy to offer what I can.

 

But please remember, I am not a professional in this area in any way at all. Just a man.

 

Take care of yourself and let us know how its going?