Gaeta Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 21 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: Someone can be your girlfriend and you can still cheat on them, so what difference does it make, after 4 dates? I am spending time and money on you and clearly receptive to you. You're missing the point. I have a 20 year old daughter. My house is full of that gen Z. They don't date 2-3 months to make it official. They meet once or twice, they like each other and they become gf/bf instantly. You just did not understand who/what you were dealing with. Spending time and money on a 22 yo can be insulting to her if you don't put a title to it. I bet you she had a bunch of gf constantly asking her if you had made her your gf. Please note, being gf/bf at 22 is not the same as being gf/bf at your age. What she did, asking you about being gf/bf on date 4 is normal in that age range. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 9 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Because the blame is on you. You aren't being completely honest with these women and are taking advantage of them to an extent. Women tend to be much more emotional about sex than men are. For men sex is often just a physical act. It is probably best you not have sex with women until you feel that you are ready to become their boyfriend. Have sex early on with women who don't want a relationship from you. How am I taking advantage of them? I did not force anyone to have sex with me or make any conditions upon sex. I was honest with my thinking at that time. There is only so much affection I can develop for someone (not to be confused with lust or desire) after four dates. I need to know more about someone, I don’t think that’s controversial. I haven’t even been bf/gf with anyone at that stage. For me it’s too early, especially as I had concerns over how mature someone can be at 22. I mean she goes clubbing, which isn’t for me. I’m not even old 🤣, I’m just way too far down the line in life/career to go clubbing nowadays. Sex isn’t the issue here. The issue here is I can’t win, no matter how I approach a situation these days! Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: How am I taking advantage of them? I did not force anyone to have sex with me or make any conditions upon sex. I was honest with my thinking at that time. There is only so much affection I can develop for someone (not to be confused with lust or desire) after four dates. I need to know more about someone, I don’t think that’s controversial. I haven’t even been bf/gf with anyone at that stage. For me it’s too early, especially as I had concerns over how mature someone can be at 22. I mean she goes clubbing, which isn’t for me. I’m not even old 🤣, I’m just way too far down the line in life/career to go clubbing nowadays. Sex isn’t the issue here. The issue here is I can’t win, no matter how I approach a situation these days! Maybe you just shouldn't date 22 year old girls. I suspect women your age though would view you as being a little immature. Edited November 26 by Sony12 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 4 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Maybe you just shouldn't date 22 year old girls. I suspect women your age though would view you as being a little immature. Why am I immature? And yes I agree, I won’t be dating anyone in their early 20s ever again, no matter what they say. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 Hold on, you had your doubts, you say. And you admit you were keeping some distance. You say you like to be cautious. What I'm not getting or hearing is that you really liked her enough to continue seeing her. I'm not getting that. Your narrative is about all her actions. You have to step up and make exactly clear how you feel. And you need to find a way to tell a woman yes, I want to continue dating you and see where things go. The emphasis needs to be on the "I want to continue dating you." Look, you seem worried about getting trapped. You can always break up with someone. Always. On the spot. With no warning. You're acting like you have to hold back because you're about to get married--in a society that doesn't tolerate divorces. But you're only dating. All your examining of her--all your caution--is coming through to her (and likely the other women) as distance and disinterest. And I don't think these women are wrong. Dude, if you really like someone and are interested in serious dating, you gotta make that totally clear, after a couple of dates. Doesn't mean you can't back out as you learn more information. She can back out at any point and so can you. Another view: you might want to hold off having sex if going on multiple dates and having fantastic sex does NOT make you feel sure about proceeding with this person. Yes, even in this modern day, there are lots of women who if they are interested in a guy, want the guy to make clear his interest, especially if they are having regular sex. This holding back thing just doesn't work. Look, I go out with a woman for ten dates and we're having sex and she's still cautious and holding back, I'm reading that as "not interested." And I'm backing out. Very quickly. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 38 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You're missing the point. I bet you she had a bunch of gf constantly asking her if you had made her your gf. Please note, being gf/bf at 22 is not the same as being gf/bf at your age. What she did, asking you about being gf/bf on date 4 is normal in that age range. That just degrades the whole point of being bf/gf. How can you know someone after meeting a couple of times? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve been in relationships and have regretted many many decisions and it all comes down to not knowing enough about the person or being afraid to ask certain questions as the answer may be a deal breaker to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 4 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: Why am I immature? And yes I agree, I won’t be dating anyone in their early 20s ever again, no matter what they say. Because you are so indecisive. Most people by the time they have reached their 30's on up know what they like and what they are looking for. It doesn't take them 5+ dates (or however long it takes you) to simply decide if they want to be a BF or GF. Most women are attracted to men who know what they want so your inability to make decisions wouldn't be very appealing to many. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 6 hours ago, Lamron300 said: Day after she was very quiet not messaging at all, barely spoke on WhatsApp. I felt tense and knew something was off as she would usually message frequently. She wasn’t even going on WhatsApp. I didn’t message as I felt that my messages weren’t being read or engaged with so didn’t want to seem to be chasing or pressuring. On Friday after barely speaking in 48 hours she called me. I told her I was worried as barely heard from her. She said she had been working. She said what she wanted to talk to me about is she feels too much is going on right now and she has too much on her mind. Or words to that effect. She can’t do the relationship anymore and her mind isn’t in it. I was speechless but not surprised as communication had reduced and people tend to do that prior to an ending. i'd say this is a big part too. from this excerpt it sounds like you just completely didn't bother talking to her for 2 days and then she finally reached out to be like "hey this isn't working for me" like the others are saying, i think this is directly related to her not getting any type of signal from you that you were interested especially if you just constantly ignored her for days on end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 3 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Because you are so indecisive. Most people by the time they have reached their 30's on up know what they like and what they are looking for. It doesn't take them 5+ dates (or however long it takes you) to simply decide if they want to be a BF or GF. Most women are attracted to men who know what they want so your inability to make decisions wouldn't be very appealing to many. Well where we differ is to me it isn’t simple. There are a lot of things which are important to me , which can’t be ascertained after 4-5 dates. Also, what is the rush? 4-5 months is different. 4-5 dates could be over a week! From matching on app that isn’t a long period. I have learnt this year that there is lots of women out there, so it’s now to find who is right for me. Apart from an ego trip, what is actually different? If we are engaging in relationship activities and I’m only with you? Nothing. I could tell people what they want to hear and take advantage, that would be wrong. I earlier this year went on 15 dates with one woman and realised it was me doing the heavy lifting and I didn’t actually want to be with her and there was 0 chemistry. I am cautious as I have been burnt too many times by these online dating types. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 1 minute ago, Lamron300 said: Well where we differ is to me it isn’t simple. There are a lot of things which are important to me , which can’t be ascertained after 4-5 dates. Also, what is the rush? 4-5 months is different. 4-5 dates could be over a week! From matching on app that isn’t a long period. I have learnt this year that there is lots of women out there, so it’s now to find who is right for me. Apart from an ego trip, what is actually different? If we are engaging in relationship activities and I’m only with you? Nothing. I could tell people what they want to hear and take advantage, that would be wrong. I earlier this year went on 15 dates with one woman and realised it was me doing the heavy lifting and I didn’t actually want to be with her and there was 0 chemistry. I am cautious as I have been burnt too many times by these online dating types. Well maybe online dating isn't for you then and you should find an outlet you are more comfortable with. You clearly don't trust the women you are meeting online. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 8 minutes ago, flitzanu said: i'd say this is a big part too. from this excerpt it sounds like you just completely didn't bother talking to her for 2 days and then she finally reached out to be like "hey this isn't working for me" like the others are saying, i think this is directly related to her not getting any type of signal from you that you were interested especially if you just constantly ignored her for days on end. I didn’t ignore her. We last saw each other on Wednesday morning. She went home and then went to her friends house. I messaged her asking if she got things done she needed to that day. She responded and then I responded back and at 9.51pm she read my message and didn’t reply. I thought okay she is with her friend not too overthink. But day later she still hasn’t responded. I messaged again after many hours, got a brief response. Then between 15.46 on Thursday and 5pm on Friday, I didn’t hear anything from her. In this time she wasn’t on WhatsApp - you can see last online time. I figured she didn’t want to talk, was confused as to why as I hadn’t done anything. Literally last time I ever saw her was two days prior and things were fine, very passionate/affectionate from my side. Till she tried call me whilst I was at work. I called her back and was relieved to hear she was okay and then she said what she said and that was that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 You're getting really wise advice here, and you reject it all. Well if you want, keep doing what you're doing. We'll be here when you report on the next woman who reacts to your coldness that pulling away. We'll tell you the same thing and maybe what we say will resonate at that point. But keep going if you want, it's clear to me that any woman with some confidence is gonna hold back and pull away from you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 4 minutes ago, Sony12 said: Well maybe online dating isn't for you then and you should find an outlet you are more comfortable with. You clearly don't trust the women you are meeting online. I would love another outlet, I really dislike online dating and most of the people on it. it’s just seems to be that’s how people meet nowadays. With this particular woman I have a lot of ill feeling towards her. She told me her problems and I tried to listen or help where I could and as soon as she felt overwhelmed by them, I became disposable. This is why I don’t trust people/I am reluctant to go more than surface deep early on. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: I would love another outlet, I really dislike online dating and most of the people on it. it’s just seems to be that’s how people meet nowadays. With this particular woman I have a lot of ill feeling towards her. She told me her problems and I tried to listen or help where I could and as soon as she felt overwhelmed by them, I became disposable. This is why I don’t trust people/I am reluctant to go more than surface deep early on. If you dislike it that much you really shouldn't do it. There are plenty of other outlets to meet people than online. Online usually just gives you the most options. And in all honesty if you really feel what you said there in your last sentence there are probably some things about yourself that you need to work on before you can offer someone else a quality relationship. Spend some time to work on yourself. Edited November 26 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: You're getting really wise advice here, and you reject it all. Well if you want, keep doing what you're doing. We'll be here when you report on the next woman who reacts to your coldness that pulling away. We'll tell you the same thing and maybe what we say will resonate at that point. But keep going if you want, it's clear to me that any woman with some confidence is gonna hold back and pull away from you. It’s not really solid advice when I’m being held to some different standard. As soon as she felt overwhelmed with her life problems she decided seeing me was too much. When we were going out for dinners, planning a holiday and having constant sex it wasn’t too much. How does it make sense? Like I said, the origins of the relationship was on the app. She gave me her number and said she needed some time as someone close to her had died. I refused to message her as I felt she should take as much time as needed. Ten days later she messaged me and said she is ready to talk again. After that things went 100mph. Everything seemed okay, till last week. She got a bad grade on her thesis, which meant she couldn’t do a PHD, which was her life plan. I was sympathetic and shared my experience and gave her a pep talk. She never seemed the same and then unceremoniously dumped me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 5 minutes ago, Sony12 said: If you dislike it that much you really shouldn't do it. There are plenty of other outlets to meet people than online. Online usually just gives you the most options. And in all honesty if you really feel what you said there in your last sentence there are probably some things about yourself that you need to work on before you can offer someone else a quality relationship. Spend some time to work on yourself. Other outlets like what? I do work on myself everyday, I try hard not to hold grudges or let the past impact the future. I do need to be guarded though. I feel wronged by her. I’m 31 years old and got lovebombed, it is humiliating. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 Just now, Lamron300 said: Other outlets like what? I do work on myself everyday, I try hard not to hold grudges or let the past impact the future. I do need to be guarded though. I feel wronged by her. I’m 31 years old and got lovebombed, it is humiliating. Through regular real life friends. There are social groups you can sign up for where you can meet people who often will have some of the same interests that you do. Though people need to be careful with it many people do meet dating partners through work......etc.......etc....... Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 1 hour ago, Lamron300 said: I’m not sure how much more secure you can make someone feel other than telling them you’re only seeing them and that you’re dating. Telling someone you're dating them is pretty redundant. If you're going out on dates - you're dating. Duh. The part about not seeing anyone else - that could be meaningful; however, I have a feeling you did not offer this information couched in in an "I'd like to be exclusive with you" type of way. That would be just about tantamount to "making it official. So you told her you were not seeing or sleeping with anyone else, but gave her no reason to think that you had a commitment to exclusivity with her, because that's a RELATIONSHIP and that's not how you roll. But, this is how your dating pattern does roll. It will not serve you well, as you are experiencing over and over. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 1 hour ago, Lamron300 said: Anyway, why are you putting the liability on me? We were having sex without me confirming she was my gf, so why am I just responsible? She chose to make that decision too. Yup. And she also chose to move along. You're the one here complaining about the outcome. Not her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 51 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: That just degrades the whole point of being bf/gf. How can you know someone after meeting a couple of times? It doesn’t make sense to me. As @Sony12 12 above just posted: YOU ARE NOT MAKING A LIFELONG COMMITMENT when you and someone you really like a lot decide to make it official. The whole point of it is along the lines of "I really like you, I feel like putting myself on the line for this and seeing how it goes, you're worth the risk." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 29 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: It’s not really solid advice when I’m being held to some different standard. As soon as she felt overwhelmed with her life problems she decided seeing me was too much. When we were going out for dinners, planning a holiday and having constant sex it wasn’t too much. How does it make sense? It's very simple. If I feel a connection with the man I am dating it will ease dealing with life's burden. If the man I am dating is not connecting with me then he becomes another burden on top of the others. Let me probe your mind for a moment. How long do you think you need to date a lady exclusively before investing a little bit of yourself into it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 1 hour ago, Lamron300 said: With this particular woman I have a lot of ill feeling towards her. She told me her problems and I tried to listen or help where I could and as soon as she felt overwhelmed by them, I became disposable. This is why I don’t trust people/I am reluctant to go more than surface deep early on. You're only seeing this from your own perspective. She was apparently quite keen on you, but you refused to call her your girlfriend. Why would she stay with you if you're on a different trajectory to her? Thing is, you weren't the only one who was figuring out if this is a match 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: You're only seeing this from your own perspective. She was apparently quite keen on you, but you refused to call her your girlfriend. Why would she stay with you if you're on a different trajectory to her? Thing is, you weren't the only one who was figuring out if this is a match That’s not why we broke up though. It’s because too much is going on in her life she said and ‘it’s too much right now’ I can’t be with someone who will cast me aside when life throws them problems. I am not trying to reconcile with her, I’m trying to avoid this happening again, which is my question. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 26 Share Posted November 26 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: That’s not why we broke up though. It’s because too much is going on in her life she said and ‘it’s too much right now’ I can’t be with someone who will cast me aside when life throws them problems. I am not trying to reconcile with her, I’m trying to avoid this happening again, which is my question. You refused to call her a gf, so why would you expect her to put the extra work with you when things get difficult? And to be clear, what exactly is your question? Because I'm reading you being very firm in your views Edited November 26 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lamron300 Posted November 26 Author Share Posted November 26 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: You refused to call her a gf, so why would you expect her to put the extra work with you when things get difficult? And to be clear, what exactly is your question? Because I'm reading you being very firm in your views Because I explained to her my exact thinking. Her exact words were ‘am I your girlfriend’ I said we are dating. She said have you deleted the app? I said yes, she said good me too. She said are you seeing anyone else, I said no. That was on date 4 and it wasn’t discussed again. My question is how to proceed going forward. I either go back to just multi-dating and hoping something sticks, asking people their mindset on day 1 to avoid this happening or just quit online dating all together Link to post Share on other sites
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