She said dating is 'too much' right now, how do I proceed?

[Lamron300]

49 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's very simple. If I feel a connection with the man I am dating it will ease dealing with life's burden. If the man I am dating is not connecting with me then he becomes another burden on top of the others. 

Let me probe your mind for a moment. How long do you think you need to date a lady exclusively before investing a little bit of yourself into it?

Not a set timescale, more experiences. Could have had a lovely weekend trip to somewhere and things feel right. I tried a younger woman as women my age often have more baggage, now I’m seeing the flip side. Immaturity.
 

Why am I even upset? I don’t know. I’m better of out of it if that’s how she is going to be. 

[NuevoYorko]

21 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I am not trying to reconcile with her, I’m trying to avoid this happening again, which is my question. 

What you're trying to do is to frame this so that you hold no part in what happened.  

It's possible that you didn't; however, the people around here are pretty unanimous in the opinion that you will continue to lose all women you are interested in as long as you keep up this program of yours.

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Because I explained to her my exact thinking. Her exact words were ‘am I your girlfriend’ I said we are dating. She said have you deleted the app? I said yes, she said good me too. She said are you seeing anyone else, I said no. That was on date 4 and it wasn’t discussed again. 

My question is how to proceed going forward. I either go back to just multi-dating and hoping something sticks, asking people their mindset on day 1 to avoid this happening or just quit online dating all together 

I think you need to quit online dating. You clearly don't trust the people on there and that likely isn't going to change.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Because I explained to her my exact thinking. Her exact words were ‘am I your girlfriend’ I said we are dating. She said have you deleted the app? I said yes, she said good me too. She said are you seeing anyone else, I said no. That was on date 4 and it wasn’t discussed again. 

Let me tell you what she expected, what most women expect: * l would really like for you to be my gf. I deleted my profile, l am not seeing anyone else because l don't desire to see anyone else, just you! *

If a week later she turns out to be a total nut case you break up and move on. How much gf/bf cost you? Nothing.

A 4 date girlfriend does not expect the same as a 200 date girlfriend. She just wanted to feel she was special to you. When women start asking *what are we* it means she feels you're not investing enough and she needs reassurance.

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Because I explained to her my exact thinking. Her exact words were ‘am I your girlfriend’ I said we are dating. She said have you deleted the app? I said yes, she said good me too. She said are you seeing anyone else, I said no. That was on date 4 and it wasn’t discussed again. 

My question is how to proceed going forward. I either go back to just multi-dating and hoping something sticks, asking people their mindset on day 1 to avoid this happening or just quit online dating all together 

You weren't boyfriend/girlfriend....you were just dating.  So it makes sense that she wouldn't bother working through issues.  You know how you're taking your time to see if it's a good fit?  She was doing the same thing - and then decided that you weren't a good fit.  

You don't say what 'mindset, you want to ask about.  If it's about their view of bf/gf label, sure, you can ask if you want.   They might be happy you raised the topic or they may think you've got too much baggage and are risk adverse.  You do what works for you, and if that means you lose someone who isn't on your wavelength, then that's no loss.   

Edited November 26 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I am very reserved as I don’t see a benefit to taking things fast. I didn’t treat her differently than I would have if she were my girlfriend. Spent a lot of time and money on her. 

This sounds pretty calculated and not very romantic, kind of dry. If that was the vibe you projected when being with her, it’s possible that she just picked up on your lack of romantic interest and was understandably turned off by that.

 

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I said after sex, something along the lines of I’m worried we’re having sex this soon

This might have sounded to her like you weren’t really into her. Like sex with her was disappointing. Unless you added “…but I just couldn’t help myself, you’re so sexy and I wanted you so much” or something like that. Otherwise, it just sounds kind of cold and unromantic.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Why am I immature?

Because you view dating in terms of winning and losing, not in terms of developing connection and feelings.

Also, you appear to be in this permanent indignation mode, as though all women were obliged to like you and it’s somehow abnormal if they don’t.

And finally, I have the impression that you don’t really know what kind of woman you want to be with. It seems that you’re trying too hard to date women you aren’t really excited about.

 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I have learnt this year that there is lots of women out there, so it’s now to find who is right for me.

Then why are you so outraged that women drop you after a few dates? You don’t want to be attached to them because you’re not sure they’re right for you. Well, they don’t want to be attached to you for the same reasons, so they dump you when they see you’re just playing the field. You’re being emotionally uninvolved and calculating, so why would you expect women to want to date you seriously?

And why do you want to “keep” those women if you aren’t serious enough about them? Just to keep having sex? As options? That doesn’t sound like the right attitude to me.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I tried a younger woman as women my age often have more baggage, now I’m seeing the flip side. Immaturity.

Oh man. This sounds so unattractive. So calculated, so unemotional. How can you expect to woo women with this kind of attitude?

And it’s wrong, too. She didn’t do anything immature here, while your immaturity is rather obvious, as others have pointed out.

[Lotsgoingon]

Another tip here: ignore her words about "too much going on."

That was just her speaking gently. Most likely what she really felt was "You're distant. I cannot read you. I cannot tell if you really like me. You seem standoffish. I don't want an intimate relationship with someone who looks at me every moment like he's agonizing over whether he likes me."

To go more personal, this is also what she meant. "I am opening my heart to you, and I don't feel like my heart has been accepted. I can't tell what you're feeling or thinking and so I don't want to go any further with you. I want to be with someone who I can tell really likes me and wants to be with me."

 

Edited November 27 by Lotsgoingon

[Maldives]

As I'm learning with dating these days in the age of dating apps, have a few options and don't settle for one immediately. Keep a few going in case it doesn't work out. I wouldn't be surprised if she was doing the same. 

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

What you're trying to do is to frame this so that you hold no part in what happened.  

It's possible that you didn't; however, the people around here are pretty unanimous in the opinion that you will continue to lose all women you are interested in as long as you keep up this program of yours.

I am sure I didn’t. Everything was fine till last Friday. I am moping around because it’s draining getting to know people and starting from scratch, especially when I’m very cynical of women on online dating. Someone who was conflicted doesn’t go along to the extent she does. If she really felt conflicted why on Wednesday were we holding hands in cinema and then going back to mine to have sex (which she initiated). The only thing that is really pertinent is when we were having a chat on that day is she said it’s been a really hard few months for her with things going on and I told her not to worry that things will turn around in 2025. That was only thing that seemed different on the surface. 

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, Sony12 said:

I think you need to quit online dating. You clearly don't trust the people on there and that likely isn't going to change.

I would be better without it. I keep procrastinating on using websites to find local activities. I just want a level playing field. I’m pretty sure that some people I talk to online are probably even in a relationship or dating stage with someone. 

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Let me tell you what she expected, what most women expect: * l would really like for you to be my gf. I deleted my profile, l am not seeing anyone else because l don't desire to see anyone else, just you! *

If a week later she turns out to be a total nut case you break up and move on. How much gf/bf cost you? Nothing.

A 4 date girlfriend does not expect the same as a 200 date girlfriend. She just wanted to feel she was special to you. When women start asking *what are we* it means she feels you're not investing enough and she needs reassurance.

Hmm, that’s an interesting thought I’d keep it in mind, but I think it wouldn’t make a difference ultimately. There is no evidence that if we were bf/gf she would have acted differently. I think at 22, she is immature to handle her issues. She could’ve called me on Thursday or earlier or said when we were in person on Wednesday. Why leave it till Friday? I usually say what I mean and mean what I say. Although at the moment I’m playing so many games in my head to avoid disappointment. I do feel quite gutted about this, as it started off on fire. 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Everything was fine till last Friday.

I doubt this is true.  People rarely end a relationship in an instant.  Rather,  they quietly process their feelings for a while and when they've made their decision, they announce it.   And before you ask why she didn't discuss the issue, it's because you were only dating.  

None of this is immature

 

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

You don't say what 'mindset, you want to ask about.  If it's about their view of bf/gf label, sure, you can ask if you want.   They might be happy you raised the topic or they may think you've got too much baggage and are risk adverse.  You do what works for you, and if that means you lose someone who isn't on your wavelength, then that's no loss.   

I did like her hence we were planning a holiday together (which was her idea). I just had my reservations, which I’m entitled to. If she has an anxious attachment style that isn’t really my fault. 

[Lamron300]

Just now, basil67 said:

I doubt this is true.  People rarely end a relationship in an instant.  Rather,  they quietly process their feelings for a while and when they've made their decision, they announce it.   And before you ask why she didn't discuss the issue, it's because you were only dating.  

None of this is immature

 

What kind of person has constant sex with someone, lovebombs them and then unceremoniously dumps them. I’m not going to lie to you, I am gutted. I’ve dated a lot of women this year and nothing has really worked out, some due to me, some due to them. It’s just so tiring. At no stage does something seem secure. Until 2024 I didn’t even know people had constant sex and then change in a second. 

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Another tip here: ignore her words about "too much going on."

That was just her speaking gently. Most likely what she really felt was "You're distant. I cannot read you. I cannot tell if you really like me. You seem standoffish. I don't want an intimate relationship with someone who looks at me every moment like he's agonizing over whether he likes me."

To go more personal, this is also what she meant. "I am opening my heart to you, and I don't feel like my heart has been accepted. I can't tell what you're feeling or thinking and so I don't want to go any further with you. I want to be with someone who I can tell really likes me and wants to be with me."

 

I think you’re giving her too much credit. It would make sense if she didn’t have problems. I am not disputing she had problems going on, I just don’t think they were substantial enough to end the ‘relationship’. 
 

I can’t win. Let people in, I’m at risk, keep at arms length, I’m at risk. Even saying is mundane. Moving forward am I going to be going to the same restaurants, same pubs, same cinemas etc? Might as well just be casual and have no stress. I’m failing to see what would’ve been different if I just had sex with these people and that it

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

As I'm learning with dating these days in the age of dating apps, have a few options and don't settle for one immediately. Keep a few going in case it doesn't work out. I wouldn't be surprised if she was doing the same. 

I think that’s what I’m going to do from now on, issue is there is most likely one person you like more than the others. I think if she was 29 instead of 22, maybe things would’ve worked out. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Hmm, that’s an interesting thought I’d keep it in mind, but I think it wouldn’t make a difference ultimately. There is no evidence that if we were bf/gf she would have acted differently

You still don't get the point. 

The point was to make her feel secure and special. Let's take the gf/bf out of the equation because that seems to scare you to no end. 

* l would really like to keep on dating you exclusively. I deleted my profile, l am not seeing anyone else because l don't desire to see anyone else, just you! *

In 10 dates have you ever told her how special she is to you? Ever told her you miss her? Told her you can't wait to your next time together?

Edited November 27 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

especially when I’m very cynical of women on online dating

You are cynical of women, period.

There is no difference between a woman online and a woman at your local park. Women want a man that will make them feel special, that's the part you fail because you are too worried an once of your feelings is gonna get hurt. Hurt is part of life, you deal with it, you get past it and you get back on the saddle. Look, you invested no feelings in this young woman, you were on your guards from the beginning and still you're hurting. If you are to experience hurt anyway why not give your relationships all of your best. 

[Sony12]

He invested no feelings but yet he still got laid. I suspect that that was his plan all along. Nothing criminal about it as people do that all the time these days. But to then turn around and try to place all the blame on the lady is a little humorous.

 

[introverted1]

20 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That just degrades the whole point of being bf/gf.

I think you are being too rigid about what bf/gf means. Sure, it can mean that you are a long-term, established couple.  But it can also mean that this is the person with whom you are exclusively dating on a regular basis, ie., there isn't any question that you will see each other 2-3 times a week (barring travel or other conflicts).  Of course, at any time, either one of you could call it off, although the presumably mutual hope is that, with increased learning about each other, this would become less likely rather than more so. 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You still don't get the point. 

The point was to make her feel secure and special. Let's take the gf/bf out of the equation because that seems to scare you to no end. 

* l would really like to keep on dating you exclusively. I deleted my profile, l am not seeing anyone else because l don't desire to see anyone else, just you! *

In 10 dates have you ever told her how special she is to you? Ever told her you miss her? Told her you can't wait to your next time together?

I told her I missed her all the time and she told me that. She was in Morocco on holiday for 6 days. No one offered to pick her from the airport and I asked her why she didn’t ask me to and she was like I was going to but decided not to, I know you would have picked me up etc. I’m not sure why I would need to spell out more than I deleted my account (which people usually have to ask each other to do) and I’m only seeing you. She hugged me and kissed me after I said that, so it’s either she was lying or accepted what I said. 

This experience is just baffling and the one with previous lady. Why go 100mph? Sex etc and then just change. I need to find women who are emotionally balanced and I don’t think they are on online dating. 

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

This experience is just baffling and the one with previous lady. Why go 100mph? Sex etc and then just change. I need to find women who are emotionally balanced and I don’t think they are on online dating. 

What does this have to do with emotional balance?

She liked you, had sex with you, then realized she wasn’t feeling enough to have a long term relationship, and broke up with you. Why are you so bitter about this? People do it all the time. There is nothing abnormal or immature or unbalanced about that.