mlchris2 Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I've been separated from my wife for 4 months now. She wanted divorce from day one, but I've tried everything for a last chance. I vowed I wouldnt pay for the divorce, but to help my sanity and peace of mind, I folded. We are splitting the cost. By the 1st of Feb, it should be official. I've told my wife that I will wait for her no matter how long it takes. I truely intend to. But I started thinking... how long do I really wait? I was thinking if after the divorce, waiting a good 6 months, to see how things go. If there is no advancement towards reconciliation, then wait another 6 months (1 year) and if she shows no signs of wanting to reconcile, then I would start dating again, etc. I really dont want to find love again, but I do miss the compassion and the sex. Am I crazy? Am I being unrealistic? Am I being fair to myself? I would like opinions and comments. Thanks MC Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 do you have any indication that she doesn't want to cut you out of her life completely? she seems to have gone a long way down the divorce route if she thinks at the back of her mind there could be any way back. but i guess it depends what caused the split. you say she's been certain 'since day one'. i assume you mean since a day something happened to make her decide she wanted a divorce. is that right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mlchris2 Posted January 7, 2006 Author Share Posted January 7, 2006 throught the entire separation she hasnt come right out and said it, but I've heard her on more than one occassion say something like " I just need space" or "I'm not ready to work it out, right now". So I've often wondered if she really does want to work things out, but doesnt feel she can trust me right now or be with me right now. Something definately caused the spit...(I had a addiction) that she put up with for 4 years and I feel we didnt work on the problem like we should have. We thought we could do it on our own.... thats why it went on for so long. There are alot of things... I could go on and no for hours. I feel that her wanting a divorce is a cheap way out... The last thing she asked me for was the divorce, because she needed to do things for herself and not be with anyone right now. The reason why I asked, is because deep down I feel time is all she needs. IF she doesnt love me, then why did she stick with me through 4 years of pain? Link to post Share on other sites
Spurned Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Yes you are a fool. But I don't mean it in a harsh way, because we're all fools in this sort of situation. If it's the porn you're referring to as "causing" the downfall of your marriage, I'd just like to say all men have a porn "addiction." I look at porn too (no not 24/7 just frequently enough to label myself a normal red-blooded guy) To blame it for the downfall of your marriage, well, I am not sure about that, even though I don't know all the details. It might be easier for you to grasp the porn "addiction" as a scapegoat. It makes the problems more logical for you and provides an explanation. There are likely bigger and more important issues in this marriage. The whole suicide thing in the woods is very disturbing, and I suggest you seek medical help immediately. I can tell you that wantonly displaying your heartbreak, neediness, and insecurities actually repulses your wife in most likelihood. There is a pattern here: you call her, she tells you she wants a divorce, and it crushes you. Try not calling her. You can control that, at least. You can't be disappointed by her telling you off if you don't call her asking for it! It is weird to read about how you are thinking about six months AFTER the divorce to try to reconcile. I mean, the divorce is the divorce. Why give it any more thought after it finalizes? I'd be a hypocrite to tell you to act perfectly strong because I've done stupid, irrational things during my separation as well. But it's easier to examine another's relationship and I hope you think about what I've written. Save yourself a headache, work on the divorce paperwork, submit it, and take some control over the situation. Honestly, I think there is a lot of truth to the adage, "If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you." Once YOU take control, once you stop looking like a suicidal and needy person, you may find her coming back to you. If you were her, would you want to go back to a psychologically disturbed mess? Stop trying to read what she means by delaying paperwork or not paying for this or that will just drive you crazy! Good luck big guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Yes you are a fool. It's over so accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Honestly, I think there is a lot of truth to the adage, "If you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you." Once YOU take control, once you stop looking like a suicidal and needy person, you may find her coming back to you. If you were her, would you want to go back to a psychologically disturbed mess? i couldn't have said this any better. IF at some point she chooses to come back, it won't be to the man you are right now. and it won't be to a man who has molded his life purely to get her back. get well first. do it for yourself, do it without hope of anything but a brighter future. don't delay the divorce. be kind to her. it sounds like you have both have a rough ride that needs to come to an end. and only when you're at the point (and it will come) when you could be happy with someone else, would you be ready to consider a relationship with this woman again. Link to post Share on other sites
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