Boyfriend pointed his finger right into my face in frustration

[foxy25]

Hi,

With my partner 5 years, we are engaged. Last month I was upset and a bit dramatic going to bed and when I got into bed I was so angry and started to give out to my boyfriend about something we were to have done that day. (Picking our music for our wedding).

He got so annoyed he turned on the side lamp and told me I needed to calm down and that we would discuss tomorrow. He had sat up but I was lying down. While he was saying this he had his finger pointed right into my face.

He has never acted like this before but I was shocked. Is this a red flag?

 

 

Edited November 28, 2024 by foxy25

[Gaeta]

It's a warning to *you* that your attitude is killing the love. It means he was VERY mad/annoyed at you and he was at the end of his roll with you. He controlled himself but you pushed him beyond anything he experienced with you before. Is it a red flag? No. I would personally not see this as a red flag if there was no history of control in the past AND he did not make any threats while he was pointing his finger. It was a gesture generated by deep annoyance. 

Foxy25: Approach your partner with patience and kindness, even when you're feeling dramatic, mad or annoyed. You're not on your way to have a happy marriage if you don't practice patience toward each other. 

[NuevoYorko]

It might be a red flag - indicating that the two of you don't have healthy conflict resolution skills, and that you probably don't hold yourself accountable for what you say and how you behave when you're feeling angry and frustrated.  

You "giving out" to your bf in bed is probably at a similar level of inappropriateness as his finger pointing - though I will concede that there is an implied aspect of intimidation / power play in his move that wouldn't have been present in yours.

[Els]

I really have no idea why some people (usually, brides) take their wedding planning so seriously that they start to drive away the person they are marrying. Is your wedding music so important that it's worth losing your fiance over?

That being said, it sounds to me like his response was proportional to your provocation. In the future, you definitely want to work on your own behaviour and communication skills.

[foxy25]

It wasnt necessarily meant to push him away. I had told him it was the one thing I wanted to book and have organised and out of the way. We avoided it for weeks, sitting down to go through videos etc and then the day we decided to do it he wanted to visit his brother but I said I would go but that the condition was that once we got back we would pick a band or make a start. We got back late and it didnt happen so I was annoyed.

[Els]

7 minutes ago, foxy25 said:

It wasnt necessarily meant to push him away. I had told him it was the one thing I wanted to book and have organised and out of the way. We avoided it for weeks, sitting down to go through videos etc and then the day we decided to do it he wanted to visit his brother but I said I would go but that the condition was that once we got back we would pick a band or make a start. We got back late and it didnt happen so I was annoyed.

I would just tell him I'm picking it the next morning and he's welcome to join me if he wants... or otherwise just put him in charge and he handles the fallout if he doesn't pick one in time. It's really not that big of a deal?

To be clear, I understand being annoyed or disappointed over this. I don't understand you being "so angry and starting to dish out" over this.

Edited November 28, 2024 by Els

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, foxy25 said:

We got back late and it didnt happen so I was annoyed.

So your solution was to blow up at him?

I would have opened my phone agenda and say: honey I know we're both tired so there is no point trying to pick wedding music tonight but can we agree on which night this week we can sit down and finally accomplish this!?

Sure it was not meant to push him but it did  because our words and attitude have consequences on people. You only thought about you in that moment and that's not what makes a marriage work. If you cannot have empathy for your partner when he's tired, if you cannot give them a break on undelivered promises, then you don't have another 5 years together. 

[foxy25]

Thank you both for your feedback.

I just need to learn not to let these things get to me and to be more patient. Im hoping I can learn this so I can be the loving partner I know I can be.