Either he changes or I go.

[Fiona_xyz]

I’m just about done with my marriage. I’ve tried everything but I just can’t get him to change. Maybe it’s me who is wrong, maybe he doesn’t need to change, but regardless I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this for.

The frustrating part is that our marriage is perfect in every way except in the bedroom. Even though our sex life is frequent, 7-10 times a week, it’s just plain boring. I’m sorry to say but it is. He’s great at what he does but missionary style sex every day for 11 years has just taken its toll.

I’ve spoken to him constantly about it, asked him to just do simple things like pull my hair or rip my clothes off or just take me without asking in the kitchen, anything, ANYTHING to add a little spice. I bought some sex toys and he legitimately got offended because that represents another man. Lingerie, no point, it’s only going to come off. I bought some of those vibrating panties and gave him the control. He refused to press the button. When I did he got angry and was going to leave the party. I bought the computer into the bedroom so we could watch porn together but he wasn’t interested because he has the real thing right next to him. Honestly, our sex life may be frequent but it’s boring. To his side, he says he loves our sex life. What’s wrong with good old fashioned sex he says.

He won’t go to a marriage counselor and says maybe I need to see a sex counselor. Even after I told him point blank that I can’t keep living like this he just says things like I’m having “issues” and it will get better soon. I don’t think that he doesn’t care I just think he’s oblivious. The funny thing is that if I said I was not happy with his weight, or haircut, or clothes he wears or anything like that he would address it straight away. But our sex life, can’t be a problem, he’s the king. Ok, that was mean, he’s never said that, but that’s what if feels like he’s saying.

One of my dearest friends confided in her husband that she had a fantasy to be tied up and dominated. He secretly went and did a shibari course and then one weekend she came home to a note telling her to change into the new lingerie he bought and put on the blindfold. He came and tied he up and left her tied up for a day and a half. Sex, toys, anything you can imagine and that’s just what she’s willing to tell us. He even fed her while she was blindfolded and tied and I don’t even want to think about bathroom breaks. Well I did ask but she won’t talk about that. I can’t tell you how much I would love my husband to do something like that for me.

Anyway, sorry, it turned into a bit more of a rant than I anticipated. I came he to ask out of desperation, what else can I do? Right now I feel like my options are limited to cheating or leaving neither of which I want but things just have to change.

[Gebidozo]

You and your husband appear to be sexually incompatible. You’re into BDSM as a sub, and there is nothing wrong with that. He isn’t into BDSM or anything kinky at all, and there is nothing wrong with that either. You two are just not suitable for each other.

Kinky people should be together with kinky people. I’ve discovered that only recently, in my late 40’s, after many years of being guided by prejudices and false shame, misunderstanding my own sexuality, and dealing with constant dissatisfaction. Sexual compatibility is very important.

You can’t change your husband, and he is not obliged to like things he isn’t into. I do think it would be better for you to be with a kinky, dominant partner. But cheating is really not an option, so the only way to change the status quo would be leaving.

[Fiona_xyz]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You’re into BDSM as a sub

I guess I would like it but it's not just about that, I just want something different.

We have 11 rooms in our home, only ever had sex in two of them, the second one being the ensuite in the shower, twice.  We have a pool and a secluded back yard. Never had sex in the pool, he won't even let me skinny dip. Same with our hot tub. It's honestly not about the domination, it's just about something different. I'd even love for us both to watch each other masturbate, heck at this stage let's even try anal sex.

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

he only way to change the status quo would be leaving

I fear you are correct and that just breaks me up inside.  Why won't he just listen and understand?

[basil67]

I have questions:

Why do you need his permission to be naked in the hot tub?  Just get in naked and tell him this is how it's gonna be!

And kink aside, how does he react if you try other basic positions such as doggie or scissors or having you on top?  What does he do if you pleasure yourself in front of him?   And if he does refuse all of these things, how did you end up marrying him?

Edited December 1, 2024 by basil67

[Fiona_xyz]

Just now, basil67 said:

Why do you need his permission to be naked in the hot tub?

Well I guess technically I don't but when your partner expresses a dislike of something you generally comply.

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

how does he react if you try other basic positions

Missionary, doggy, spoons, me on top is about the limit.  Even though we do it he doesn't really like 69 because he can't concentrate on two things at once.

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

how did you end up marrying him?

Young. Naive. More focused on status than happiness I guess. Although 10 times a week when I was younger was great, don't get me wrong, the novelty is just wearing off.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Fiona_xyz said:

Why won't he just listen and understand?

He's probably asking himself the same question about you. 

Just as you can't turn off your desire for more variety and spice, he can't turn on a desire that just isn't there. You have tried. He isn't interested and cleary isn't comfortable with some of it. There is not much more you can do but decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. 

[Els]

3 hours ago, Fiona_xyz said:

He came and tied he up and left her tied up for a day and a half.

I hate to break this to you but your dear friend is exaggerating, lol. No sane kinky person thinks it's safe to leave their partner tied up for a whole 36 hours - a bound person needs to be watched constantly and vigilantly, and after a few hours your risk of blood clots starts to increase. That's Literotica material, not real life BDSM.

But anyway, back to the topic... how did you guys end up getting married? Did you two not have sex before you got married? Or even talked about the types of sex that you like? Basically, if you two are so sexually incompatible, how did you end up deciding to sign the wedding vows anyway? Or was one of you different before, and changed?

If you are really this unhappy then you need to consider leaving. Obviously cheating is a terrible thing to do to the person you claim to love, so don't do it. Either see if you can find a compromise or leave. You're not wrong for wanting more but neither is he wrong for not wanting to do things that he's uncomfortable with.

 

Edited December 1, 2024 by Els

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Fiona_xyz said:

I fear you are correct and that just breaks me up inside.  Why won't he just listen and understand?

You say I’m correct, but what I’m saying is that your husband is not obliged to listen and understand. He doesn’t like variety in sex, he likes the same thing over and over again. And there is nothing wrong with that. You can’t force him to like stuff that he doesn’t like. It’s just that you and he are sexually incompatible. It’s nobody’s fault, but I wonder why did you marry him in the first place if you knew there was such a glaring difference in your sexual preferences?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Els said:

I hate to break this to you but your dear friend is exaggerating, lol. No sane kinky person thinks it's safe to leave their partner tied up for a whole 36 hours - a bound person needs to be watched constantly and vigilantly, and after a few hours your risk of blood clots starts to increase. That's Literotica material, not real life BDSM.

Also this. 

Your friend is spinning some tall tales, OP. 

[Fiona_xyz]

16 hours ago, Els said:

Or was one of you different before, and changed?

I was young. Sex multiple times a day seemed great. Now not so much. I guess the frequency masked the lack of variety. But that can only work for so long.

[Els]

5 hours ago, Fiona_xyz said:

I was young. Sex multiple times a day seemed great. Now not so much. I guess the frequency masked the lack of variety. But that can only work for so long.

Yes, unfortunately this is a reason why it's rarely advisable to marry very young. There are lots of dealbreakers that most people only realize after having some relationship experience and living as an adult for some time.

You will just have to decide which is more important to you, I'm afraid.

[Gaeta]

Was he the only man you had sex with?

You may just be having a big case of 'the grass is greener'. 

How old are you?

[NuevoYorko]

If you are really at the end of your rope with this situation, you do have a choice besides just leaving.

When things are ok between your husband and you - not when you're in a fight or any kind of conflict -  tell him you need to have a serious talk.

And then tell him that you are so unhappy with your sex life together that you feel as if you might have to leave the marriage.    

You've done a bit of exaggerating on this post; for example, you said "only missionary style sex" and later, that you have missionary, doggy, spoons and you on top. So that is actually a variety of positions.  Seriously - there are many couples who literally do ONLY missionary, with the lights off, and with their pajamas on ... all their married lives.

And ask him if he is willing to do anything at all to help you feel fulfilled.  

Do not pose this as an ultimatum.   Instead, be as honest as you can.  Bottom line is that you're not going to go on like this forever because you're feeling so unhappy.