To divorce over my husbands ex

[lola12321]

So I have been with husband for 13 years and have one child. 
immediately before me he had a girlfriend of around a year who he was engaged to, he broke it off. all good. 
but no, I found recently he kept a folder of stuff, he spent 500x what he did on my engagement ring and an additional 200k on jewelry and gifts. In addition to that he bought her a car, and gave her a card for daily expenses as she chose to not work at 22. She went to get nails, blowouts, lingerie, outfits, Botox, filler, surgeries etc. all on him. They went on luxury holidays.   He basically went to work and had trophy waiting in lingerie when he got home. Cute. 
I am so sad and upset about it, his retort when I brought it up was to tell me to f*** off, she was worth it. 
he has refused to make this right. I have began obsessing over it and every comment he has made in our relationship, it all goes back to him preferring this girl.  Telling me he doesn’t care if I lose MY wedding rings, that he would never by me this or that. He has never supported me financially, even post partum when I couldn’t work (ballet teacher) due to injuries sustained at birth.  He says I should be jealous and I don’t deserve it. She was much better in bedroom activities (he doesn’t come near me)

BUT I was a more suitable match to settle for. 
 

very much first world problems, I guess but I am hurt and upset he loves or loved someone so much and doesn’t do the same for me.! I asked him to buy me a nice piece or take me out and he won’t, pretty sure he’s ashamed to be seen with me (I am not disgusting looking at all)

[Georgia46]

If you are saying you have spent 13 years with someone and found out he spent just 1 with somebody who he treated like a queen..but is  not that nice to you… 

he won’t come near you also… 

 

leave him. 
life is so short to spend it living with someone like this. 

[fadi20]

I have read your post and found the explanation illogical. Everything you stated seems emotional without showing any efforts you made towards him to make him love you over the 13 years. Your jealousy only surfaced after discovering the file. However, you didn’t mention what your relationship with him was like during those 13 years before discovering the file.

[lola12321]

34 minutes ago, fadi20 said:

I have read your post and found the explanation illogical. Everything you stated seems emotional without showing any efforts you made towards him to make him love you over the 13 years. Your jealousy only surfaced after discovering the file. However, you didn’t mention what your relationship with him was like during those 13 years before discovering the file.

It was like I lived a lie, with a man that told me he was too chill to do any of those things.  I was haven’t been for an evening meal alone for 5 years.  He doesn’t want to be seen with me in public . 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lola12321 said:

It was like I lived a lie, with a man that told me he was too chill to do any of those things.  I was haven’t been for an evening meal alone for 5 years.  He doesn’t want to be seen with me in public . 

Well now you know the truth.  He isn't in love with you.  Leave him and find someone who loves you.

[Gebidozo]

Why did you marry him in the first place?

At the very least, why didn’t you divorce him much sooner?

He admitted he had married you without love, to “settle”. He has been treating you badly. It doesn’t even matter how he used to treat his ex, he doesn’t treat you well, period.

It’s hard to believe, but I guess he is a genius actor and has been pretending to love you so convincingly for 13 years. Doesn’t matter, now he has shown you his true face. You have no reason to stay with him.

[fadi20]

14 hours ago, lola12321 said:

very much first world problems, I guess but I am hurt and upset he loves or loved someone so much and doesn’t do the same for me.! I asked him to buy me a nice piece or take me out and he won’t, pretty sure he’s ashamed to be seen with me (I am not disgusting looking at all)

"It seems you're okay with him treating you the same way he treated his ex-girlfriend. So, what's stopping you from using the same techniques his ex used to attract him both sexually and emotionally and see what happens?"

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. 

I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? 

[tzorno]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. 

I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? 

This.  Somethings not adding up here.  Sounds to me as if he's spouting words because he's mad you went snooping and got aggitated about something that happened 13 years ago.  Appears he had to show off and spend for material things for this ex girlfriend of over a decade ago, and now your asking for the same treatment.  Could it be that he and the ex girlfriend didn't workout because of that exact issue and he fell in love with you because it wasn't about the monetary conditions like the ex?  

Money, greed, and vanity destroys a lot of relationships and marriages and thats a shame.  

[lola12321]

8 hours ago, fadi20 said:

"It seems you're okay with him treating you the same way he treated his ex-girlfriend. So, what's stopping you from using the same techniques his ex used to attract him both sexually and emotionally and see what happens?"

I don’t have that effect on him. I’m not really into sexual favors for stuff. It’s more my pride and worth? Like surely if he’s prepared to date a young girl and do everything she asks including financially supporting her as she chose not to work….SURELY MY HUSBAND should want to take me on a date without me offering him sex first. 

[lola12321]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. 

I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? 

Yes he has called me names before and has been extremely rude. The first time, I didn’t actually understand what was happening because it had never happened before. 
it makes me mad he was so loving to this girl (let’s just say not someone mommy would like) and then feels the need to be insulting and rude to me. Perhaps because I am 8 years younger. This is what saddens me the most, because if he treated me nicely, usually, then my discovery wouldn’t have been so bad’  

[tzorno]

Looks like your minds made up.  Sorry your marriage didn't work out.  There's still too much nobody knows so that's all I can come up with.

[lola12321]

5 hours ago, tzorno said:

This.  Somethings not adding up here.  Sounds to me as if he's spouting words because he's mad you went snooping and got aggitated about something that happened 13 years ago.  Appears he had to show off and spend for material things for this ex girlfriend of over a decade ago, and now your asking for the same treatment.  Could it be that he and the ex girlfriend didn't workout because of that exact issue and he fell in love with you because it wasn't about the monetary conditions like the ex?  

Money, greed, and vanity destroys a lot of relationships and marriages and thats a shame.  

I doubt any female or male would find joy in finding out their spouse spent hundreds of thousands on another person.  Then kept all the details. 
 It is a shame, especially since it was him that chose to spend this money on cosmetic and plastic surgery and gifts for girl he barely knew. Meanwhile he begrudges me a meal out. 
At least I have learnt that surgery and being all over a man like a rash is the true way to get things. I think that’s what he wants.  I can’t behave like that. It’s just not in me.