lola12321 Posted Sunday at 07:21 PM Share Posted Sunday at 07:21 PM So I have been with husband for 13 years and have one child. immediately before me he had a girlfriend of around a year who he was engaged to, he broke it off. all good. but no, I found recently he kept a folder of stuff, he spent 500x what he did on my engagement ring and an additional 200k on jewelry and gifts. In addition to that he bought her a car, and gave her a card for daily expenses as she chose to not work at 22. She went to get nails, blowouts, lingerie, outfits, Botox, filler, surgeries etc. all on him. They went on luxury holidays. He basically went to work and had trophy waiting in lingerie when he got home. Cute. I am so sad and upset about it, his retort when I brought it up was to tell me to f*** off, she was worth it. he has refused to make this right. I have began obsessing over it and every comment he has made in our relationship, it all goes back to him preferring this girl. Telling me he doesn’t care if I lose MY wedding rings, that he would never by me this or that. He has never supported me financially, even post partum when I couldn’t work (ballet teacher) due to injuries sustained at birth. He says I should be jealous and I don’t deserve it. She was much better in bedroom activities (he doesn’t come near me) BUT I was a more suitable match to settle for. very much first world problems, I guess but I am hurt and upset he loves or loved someone so much and doesn’t do the same for me.! I asked him to buy me a nice piece or take me out and he won’t, pretty sure he’s ashamed to be seen with me (I am not disgusting looking at all) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted Sunday at 07:45 PM Share Posted Sunday at 07:45 PM If you are saying you have spent 13 years with someone and found out he spent just 1 with somebody who he treated like a queen..but is not that nice to you… he won’t come near you also… leave him. life is so short to spend it living with someone like this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fadi20 Posted Sunday at 09:11 PM Share Posted Sunday at 09:11 PM I have read your post and found the explanation illogical. Everything you stated seems emotional without showing any efforts you made towards him to make him love you over the 13 years. Your jealousy only surfaced after discovering the file. However, you didn’t mention what your relationship with him was like during those 13 years before discovering the file. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola12321 Posted Sunday at 09:48 PM Author Share Posted Sunday at 09:48 PM 34 minutes ago, fadi20 said: I have read your post and found the explanation illogical. Everything you stated seems emotional without showing any efforts you made towards him to make him love you over the 13 years. Your jealousy only surfaced after discovering the file. However, you didn’t mention what your relationship with him was like during those 13 years before discovering the file. It was like I lived a lie, with a man that told me he was too chill to do any of those things. I was haven’t been for an evening meal alone for 5 years. He doesn’t want to be seen with me in public . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted yesterday at 12:48 AM Share Posted yesterday at 12:48 AM 2 hours ago, lola12321 said: It was like I lived a lie, with a man that told me he was too chill to do any of those things. I was haven’t been for an evening meal alone for 5 years. He doesn’t want to be seen with me in public . Well now you know the truth. He isn't in love with you. Leave him and find someone who loves you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted yesterday at 01:20 AM Share Posted yesterday at 01:20 AM Why did you marry him in the first place? At the very least, why didn’t you divorce him much sooner? He admitted he had married you without love, to “settle”. He has been treating you badly. It doesn’t even matter how he used to treat his ex, he doesn’t treat you well, period. It’s hard to believe, but I guess he is a genius actor and has been pretending to love you so convincingly for 13 years. Doesn’t matter, now he has shown you his true face. You have no reason to stay with him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
fadi20 Posted yesterday at 10:27 AM Share Posted yesterday at 10:27 AM 14 hours ago, lola12321 said: very much first world problems, I guess but I am hurt and upset he loves or loved someone so much and doesn’t do the same for me.! I asked him to buy me a nice piece or take me out and he won’t, pretty sure he’s ashamed to be seen with me (I am not disgusting looking at all) "It seems you're okay with him treating you the same way he treated his ex-girlfriend. So, what's stopping you from using the same techniques his ex used to attract him both sexually and emotionally and see what happens?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted yesterday at 12:02 PM Share Posted yesterday at 12:02 PM It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted yesterday at 01:46 PM Share Posted yesterday at 01:46 PM 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? This. Somethings not adding up here. Sounds to me as if he's spouting words because he's mad you went snooping and got aggitated about something that happened 13 years ago. Appears he had to show off and spend for material things for this ex girlfriend of over a decade ago, and now your asking for the same treatment. Could it be that he and the ex girlfriend didn't workout because of that exact issue and he fell in love with you because it wasn't about the monetary conditions like the ex? Money, greed, and vanity destroys a lot of relationships and marriages and thats a shame. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola12321 Posted yesterday at 06:48 PM Author Share Posted yesterday at 06:48 PM 8 hours ago, fadi20 said: "It seems you're okay with him treating you the same way he treated his ex-girlfriend. So, what's stopping you from using the same techniques his ex used to attract him both sexually and emotionally and see what happens?" I don’t have that effect on him. I’m not really into sexual favors for stuff. It’s more my pride and worth? Like surely if he’s prepared to date a young girl and do everything she asks including financially supporting her as she chose not to work….SURELY MY HUSBAND should want to take me on a date without me offering him sex first. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola12321 Posted yesterday at 06:51 PM Author Share Posted yesterday at 06:51 PM 6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: It sounds like the love has been gone from your marriage for a long time, long before you knew how he treated his ex. I am sensing a lot of backstory here. Has he always been rude to you? Unloving? How long have things been bad between you two, and how did you come to discover all this about his ex? Yes he has called me names before and has been extremely rude. The first time, I didn’t actually understand what was happening because it had never happened before. it makes me mad he was so loving to this girl (let’s just say not someone mommy would like) and then feels the need to be insulting and rude to me. Perhaps because I am 8 years younger. This is what saddens me the most, because if he treated me nicely, usually, then my discovery wouldn’t have been so bad’ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted yesterday at 06:52 PM Share Posted yesterday at 06:52 PM Looks like your minds made up. Sorry your marriage didn't work out. There's still too much nobody knows so that's all I can come up with. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola12321 Posted yesterday at 06:58 PM Author Share Posted yesterday at 06:58 PM 5 hours ago, tzorno said: This. Somethings not adding up here. Sounds to me as if he's spouting words because he's mad you went snooping and got aggitated about something that happened 13 years ago. Appears he had to show off and spend for material things for this ex girlfriend of over a decade ago, and now your asking for the same treatment. Could it be that he and the ex girlfriend didn't workout because of that exact issue and he fell in love with you because it wasn't about the monetary conditions like the ex? Money, greed, and vanity destroys a lot of relationships and marriages and thats a shame. I doubt any female or male would find joy in finding out their spouse spent hundreds of thousands on another person. Then kept all the details. It is a shame, especially since it was him that chose to spend this money on cosmetic and plastic surgery and gifts for girl he barely knew. Meanwhile he begrudges me a meal out. At least I have learnt that surgery and being all over a man like a rash is the true way to get things. I think that’s what he wants. I can’t behave like that. It’s just not in me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted 22 hours ago Share Posted 22 hours ago 3 hours ago, lola12321 said: At least I have learnt that surgery and being all over a man like a rash is the true way to get things. I think that’s what he wants. I can’t behave like that. It’s just not in me. If this is what he really wants, it makes no sense that the two of you chose to marry. Was this an arranged marriage where you had no choice? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author lola12321 Posted 19 hours ago Author Share Posted 19 hours ago 2 hours ago, basil67 said: If this is what he really wants, it makes no sense that the two of you chose to marry. Was this an arranged marriage where you had no choice? No it wasn’t arranged but basically when i found the folder he intimated that was why he spent money on her and not me Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted 19 hours ago Share Posted 19 hours ago 36 minutes ago, lola12321 said: No it wasn’t arranged but basically when i found the folder he intimated that was why he spent money on her and not me So if you hadn't found this folder, you'd still be quite happy in the marriage and the way he treats you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted 18 hours ago Share Posted 18 hours ago So, the ugly truth is that he paid his one-time fiancee for services rendered. More of an arrangement than an engagement. He's never been financially generous with you, and, when you questioned him about the reasons for the discrepancy in how you and the previous partner have been treated, he insulted and belittled you. Have I got that right? Sounds like it's more about finding out you were second choice than about money. Him keeping the folder you found might be a way to remind himself not to be so stupid again. On 12/2/2024 at 5:21 AM, lola12321 said: He says I should be jealous and I don’t deserve it. She was much better in bedroom activities (he doesn’t come near me) BUT I was a more suitable match to settle for. You have to make a decision about whether you want to stay with someone who devalues and diminishes you, or leave. If you decide to leave, see a family law specialist and find out what you're entitled to, get your ducks lined up before announcing it to him so he doesn't have a chance to go squirreling away assets. If he could afford to spend up big on live-in sex-on-tap fifteen years ago he should have no problem coughing up for child support now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted 12 hours ago Share Posted 12 hours ago This sounds like a deeply unfulfilling marriage. It also sounds as though he mistreats you. I would strongly advise you re-consider staying married to him. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted 5 hours ago Share Posted 5 hours ago 19 hours ago, lola12321 said: I doubt any female or male would find joy in finding out their spouse spent hundreds of thousands on another person. Then kept all the details. It is a shame, especially since it was him that chose to spend this money on cosmetic and plastic surgery and gifts for girl he barely knew. Meanwhile he begrudges me a meal out. At least I have learnt that surgery and being all over a man like a rash is the true way to get things. I think that’s what he wants. I can’t behave like that. It’s just not in me. I'm just trying to understand because things get lost during communication on forums. So this ex was before you were married correct? You found a folder or something he had laying around for over 13 years correct? You questioned him about it to the point he spilled the details and got argumentive? You can't let it go that he treated somebody differently than you over a decade ago and before your marriage? Lastly, am I correct in assuming this is just a block you are using for problems that have been evident for a long time now and not the sole purpose for your anger? I'm not trying to begrudge you if that's how i'm coming off as. I'm just trying to understand what's going on. It appears the marriage isn't a happy relationship and he devalues you. Don't ever let somebody do that. Leave the marriage if thats the case, but make sure it's just not because of money he spent on somebody that is meaningless at this point. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted 3 hours ago Share Posted 3 hours ago 21 hours ago, lola12321 said: I don’t have that effect on him. I’m not really into sexual favors for stuff. It’s more my pride and worth? Like surely if he’s prepared to date a young girl and do everything she asks including financially supporting her as she chose not to work….SURELY MY HUSBAND should want to take me on a date without me offering him sex first. More than likely since she was a young girl, he had to spend a lot of money on her to keep her. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted 3 minutes ago Share Posted 3 minutes ago 3 hours ago, stillafool said: More than likely since she was a young girl, he had to spend a lot of money on her to keep her. Exactly, which is no reflection to the OP. She seems to be the better person that didn't need to be won over by money or material things and that's the way it should be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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