Am I Unreasonable? or Just a Mess

[HopefullyLove]

Hello, 

I am really going through and I’m not sure if I am unreasonable or need help. I have been with my bf a year now, we communicate frequently, meaning, we text during the day, and we talk in the evening. He has not called me today. I called him, it rang three times then my call was sent to voicemail. I texted him a funny meme earlier. Normally he initiates contact so I thought it was odd that I did not hear from him. 
 

he has some chronic pain he is dealing with and sometimes the meds make him very drowsy, I just feel so sad. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable. When we don’t communicate I feel anxious, I don’t know if I’m wrong, why this bothers me so. He is normally very sweet, he picks me up from work, spends time with me, I’m confused. 

[Gaeta]

So how long ago you text and called? 

Could he just have fallen asleep? Why does your head imagine the worse right away? Do you not trust him?

[ShyViolet]

So he didn't call you for ONE day and you're freaking out?  That's a bit much.  There could be a lot of reasons for this.  Maybe he wasn't feeling well and fell asleep.  Maybe something happened.  I'm sure you will find out tomorrow.  Unless there is a pattern of him communicating with you less and less over time, then this freaking out on your part every time you don't hear from him is insecurity and anxiety, which you need to get a handle on.

[HopefullyLove]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

So how long ago you text and called? 

Could he just have fallen asleep? Why does your head imagine the worse right away? Do you not trust him?

I sent a text earlier this afternoon that he just hearted. 
 

I called a little before 9 in the evening. He could have fallen asleep, my thoughts go there automatically. 
 

I look over our relationship and it doesn’t add up that he is doing anything malicious, but I feel hurt. 

[HopefullyLove]

36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

So he didn't call you for ONE day and you're freaking out?  That's a bit much.  There could be a lot of reasons for this.  Maybe he wasn't feeling well and fell asleep.  Maybe something happened.  I'm sure you will find out tomorrow.  Unless there is a pattern of him communicating with you less and less over time, then this freaking out on your part every time you don't hear from him is insecurity and anxiety, which you need to get a handle on.

Yea I need to work on my anxiety and insecurity. Thanks. 

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, HopefullyLove said:

Yea I need to work on my anxiety and insecurity. Thanks. 

Realistically, what do you think is the reason for him not calling?   Is the reason something which is worth a high anxiety level?

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you always this anxious in relationships?

You seemed to have hit the panic button here very fast. Why is that? 

[HopefullyLove]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

Realistically, what do you think is the reason for him not calling?   Is the reason something which is worth a high anxiety level?

In my mind, I’m like does he not want to be with me anymore, did I do something wrong? He’s on his phone a lot watching sports and shorts so I just feel it’s deliberate to not communicate with me. Not saying he has too, but we are in a relationship, he’s not someone I am just getting to know. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, HopefullyLove said:

Not saying he has too, but we are in a relationship, he’s not someone I am just getting to know. 

I've learned through my years that when we make a big deal of the small stuff, it's our way of not dealing with the big stuff going on in our life. There is something else going on. Do you spend a lot of time together? Usually, do you feel you are his priority?

Edited December 2, 2024 by Gaeta

[HopefullyLove]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you always this anxious in relationships?

You seemed to have hit the panic button here very fast. Why is that? 

Yes. In my prior relationship, we always talked unless my ex was upset with me and he would give me the silent treatment for days. This was his weekend with his kid, but he normally calls me when he is driving to drop the child off or coming from dropping the child off. I try to keep myself occupied. Maybe he was in a funk, but even with that he sends me a message. 

[HopefullyLove]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I've learned through my years that when we make a big deal of the small stuff, it's our way of not dealing with the big stuff going on in our life. There is something else going on. Do you spend a lot of time together? Usually, do you feel you are his priority?

Yes, we spend a lot of time together. Normally a few evenings a week. We go out and I do feel I am a priority to him. I live in a city with just me and my college age child. I feel lonely at times. I haven’t done the best with making friends. I think maybe I should do more to create friendships I enjoy being around others, laughing, shopping, you name it. Just trying to figure out how to do that at my age. 
 

 

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, HopefullyLove said:

Normally a few evenings a week

Do you spend weekends together?

[HopefullyLove]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you spend weekends together?

Yes we do. 

[Georgia46]

11 hours ago, HopefullyLove said:

Yea I need to work on my anxiety and insecurity. Thanks. 

Maybe you have a bit of anxious attachment.  I used to have that but I’ve chilled out a lot now and I just don’t care anymore.   lol.  Maybe tell him how you feel and I’m sure he’ll do his best to put your mind at ease. 
 

Sometimes people just need some time to themselves and it doesn’t mean anything about you.    

[NuevoYorko]

I do think you need to get some help with this - because it will turn out to become a "self fulfilled prophecy."   If a person not texting you one day is so devastating, this actually puts a pretty big burden on that person.  Your whole state of mind is dependent upon them  That can feel suffocating.  

You're right - you should try to expand your social situation a bit, so everything does not hinge on your boyfriend.   

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, HopefullyLove said:

In my mind, I’m like does he not want to be with me anymore

You need to de-dramatize this. 

If he doesn't want to be with you anymore there is nothing you can do about this. Worrying yourself will not make him want to be with you & it will not control the situation. If he's meant to leave you, he will and you will be OK. You were ok before him, you will be ok after him. This is a 1 year relationship, it won't be the end of you. 

[HopefullyLove]

1 hour ago, Georgia46 said:

Maybe you have a bit of anxious attachment.  I used to have that but I’ve chilled out a lot now and I just don’t care anymore.   lol.  Maybe tell him how you feel and I’m sure he’ll do his best to put your mind at ease. 
 

Sometimes people just need some time to themselves and it doesn’t mean anything about you.    

Yes. I think I do too. You make a good point, thank you. 

[HopefullyLove]

56 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I do think you need to get some help with this - because it will turn out to become a "self fulfilled prophecy."   If a person not texting you one day is so devastating, this actually puts a pretty big burden on that person.  Your whole state of mind is dependent upon them  That can feel suffocating.  

You're right - you should try to expand your social situation a bit, so everything does not hinge on your boyfriend.   

I am going to work on being more social because I don’t want to be a burden and I will look into help. Thank you. 

[HopefullyLove]

46 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You need to de-dramatize this. 

If he doesn't want to be with you anymore there is nothing you can do about this. Worrying yourself will not make him want to be with you & it will not control the situation. If he's meant to leave you, he will and you will be OK. You were ok before him, you will be ok after him. This is a 1 year relationship, it won't be the end of you. 

You’re right. Thank you. 

[Georgia46]

14 minutes ago, HopefullyLove said:

Yes. I think I do too. You make a good point, thank you. 

Take care.  
 

men aren’t the be all and end all.   They’re nice … sure ….
but you’d be perfectly fine just as you are, with or without him.    

😎

[HopefullyLove]

1 hour ago, Georgia46 said:

Take care.  
 

men aren’t the be all and end all.   They’re nice … sure ….
but you’d be perfectly fine just as you are, with or without him.    

😎

Than you Georgia. I had a moment last night, I appreciate the kindness of you all. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It seems you have made this man the centre of your universe, yes. 

And that is a lot for any partner to carry. He might simply be needing a bit of me-time to recharge his batteries. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you personally, but if it did, I would wager it's because he knows you don't have much going on apart from him and he doesn't want to bear the responsibility of being your only company. 

When you let yourself swirl in catastrophic thoughts, you write the doomed ending to your own story. Be careful not to project. 

[basil67]

On 12/3/2024 at 1:10 AM, HopefullyLove said:

In my mind, I’m like does he not want to be with me anymore, did I do something wrong? He’s on his phone a lot watching sports and shorts so I just feel it’s deliberate to not communicate with me. Not saying he has too, but we are in a relationship, he’s not someone I am just getting to know. 

Soccer widow here:  Of course it's deliberate to not respond - he's engrossed in the game.  

Perhaps a compromise would be if you text him and he's busy, that he replies "Sorry I'm doing X. Will call you later"   

[Els]

The only time I would advise prioritizing text/phone communication to the extent that you are requesting is if you're long distance and text/phone is literally all you have (and even then there are limits). If he is treating you well in-person, why does it matter that he doesn't answer texts or calls immediately the rest of the time?

Do you think you might actually want to be spending more time together in-person than you are getting now, and that might be the root of the problem? If you're genuinely happy with the amount of in-person time you're getting, then just treat the rest of the time as personal time, and give him his space. If you want more time together, then talk to him about spending more time together. Text/phone is a poor proxy.

I also agree that you need to try to be social more. Do you have any hobbies that you could join groups for? Everyone needs friends, regardless of their age and relationship status.

Edited December 5, 2024 by Els

[smackie9]

Yup you are being unreasonable. Go find something else to fill your time with. There's more to life than you BF. Stop letting your world revolve around him.