Simply Heartbroken/Bad Karma??

[MoonDancer]

This is very long, but I'm hurting and needing just to write: please bear with me.

 

My SO and I have been together 1 year and 8 months. Up until 8 months ago we were both unfaithful with other people; however, in May of 2005 we made a commitment and began planning our future together. At the end of May, he came to stay with me for one month. That time together can only be described as heaven! After one month he had to leave and return to his home (1.5 hours away). I had a very difficult time with his leaving and it resulted in many insecurities because I was terribly afraid our relationship would resort to what it was prior to May. On July 16, he and I were talking on the phone and he told me that I had to have faith in him, that he loved me, that I meant everything in the world to him, and that he would never hurt me again. On July 19, I discovered that on July 17 (just one day after he said all of those things to me) that he had talked with a woman for 3 hours that he met on a phone chat line. To ensure the story I got from him was true, I called her to determine the extent of their relationship. He had lied about most everything. For example: he initially told me he talked with her for 15 minutes and then asked himself, "What am I doing!!". He said that he realized what a wonderful girlfriend he had in me and that for this reason he immediately ended the phone conversation. That sounded strange to me so that is why I called her. She revealed they had not talked just 15 minutes but rather 3 hours (he later admitted that everything she said was true). According to her, the conversation turned sexual. The day following their phone conversation they texted on their cells throughout the day and then she sent him a picture. He replied to her after receiving the picture, "I don't think this is going to work for us". Anyway, I was very hurt. Actually, I was devastated beyond belief. Interestingly, on the afternoon of the July 18 he called me and was all bent out of shape (asking me, "were you just talking with someone on the phone, why are you leaving work so late, did someone just beep in. He called later to say he was sorry, he didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I had not given him any reason to think I was doing anything wrong, but that he was just tired and a little grumpy...I came to understand later that he was tired because he had only 2.5 hours of sleep after talking sexually with another woman for 3 hours into the wee hours of the morning!) In other words, he was feeling insecure because of his own actions and was taking it out on me!

 

Anyway, although we had both been unfaithful prior to our commitment, we both agreed that was our past and we would leave it there. From that moment of the commitment in May, I completely devoted myself to him to the extent of sharing the most intimate and personal things one can share with another. He knows my secrets...everything. This whole situation was made especially difficult because he and I live a lifestyle of dominance and submission (submission is my preferred lifestyle and one in which I thrive). The spirituality and emotionality inherit in such a relationship is one of the deepest and most fulfilling human experiences I have known and therefore, I felt particularly betrayed (if you don't truly understand the lifestyle of dominance/submission, please don't respond with I need to be more assertive, be a woman, etc...none of that has anything whatsoever to do with this lifestyle). So, it was hard but I managed to work through that devastation and give him another chance. I did this primarily because he promised so many things. He explained that he had not gotten over my prior unfaithfulness but swore he would never hurt me again. Recently, I discovered that he never stopped calling the phone chat lines. I do not know if he has ever met anyone from the chat lines. He says that he has not; however, there have been so many lies.

 

He promises me that this has nothing to do with me but rather is a "problem" with him. He states that I am an "awesome" and "wonderful" girlfriend and that there is nothing that I am doing wrong....sexually or otherwise. He says that sexually I am all that he could ask for and more. When this last incident happened and I immediately was enraged and threatened to end our relationship, he cried as I've never witnessed a man do....he appeared utterly devastated that our relationship was ending. Anyway, we have since talked and he states he enjoys a fantasy life of engaging other women who are inaccessible to him. To him, it is a game (he uses fake names and gives fake information....this I know to be true because the one woman I spoke with knew him by a completely different name). This explanation I can actually understand. What I have a problem with is that he has denied me sex many times and yet, he talks sexually with other women?? He accuses that all I think about is sex and even had the nerve to state once that he worries about my high sex drive. This is what is so confusing to me! I am very openly sexually and there is little that I would not explore with him. Sexually, he is free with me and we have enjoyed many wonderful and different experiences together. He has stated that I have opened his mind to many things he never knew he had an interest in and in such a way, he has been liberated. Perhaps I created this monster?

 

I can't help but feel there must be something wrong with me and now I have come to the point of obsessing about it. Perhaps it is as he said and the truth is, he has never gotten over my previous unfaithfulness (which was far more severe in nature than was his unfaithfulness). It does not seem to matter to him that I have worked through his past unfaithfulness and would in no way contemplate for a second being unfaithful again. From him I have learned so much...that I do not have to medicate my emotions and fears by having other men or pornography (the porno being a major problem for me at one time). I have also learned that I am very proud of myself for taking myself away from the chaos and degradation of my previous lifestyle concerning unfaithfulness, promiscuity, and the pornography. I have not relapsed during these 8 months not one time as I have learned what exactly are my triggers for past behavior and have learned to redirect myself. My past is purged from my soul to the extent that I have no desire to ever return there. It no longer holds any interest nor is it useful to me in any way. I realize it can do nothing but bring me pain and serves no purpose other than temporarily medicating the emotional and spiritual pain I was suffering during those times. I guess I had hoped he had arrived at the same place with me; however, it appears I arrived there first. Do I wait for him to catch up? He was patient with me while peeling back the layers of my life to reach the core and patient while I worked to make the necessary changes. It was the fact of me being willing to allow him completely into my life and reveal myself totally that gave rise to our commitment. I was finally free, so to speak, and I loved him deeply for standing by me and for actually forcing me to take a good look at myself and my life. The least I could do is stand by him and do the same right? He tells me that there is no way that he and I are ending, that he cannot envision a life without me, and that we can survive this.

 

I'm so confused and hurt. Perhaps this is my karma? Perhaps I am being repaid for all of the hurt I have caused others by my promiscuity and selfishness of my past?

 

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening (or reading, as the case is).

[MoonDancer]

Well, I guess I'm talking to myself in this thread. :-) Anyhow, he and I had a heart-to-heart talk and it was pretty amazing as he talked openly about the phone chat thing and some of his other interests. I can only imagine how difficult and scary that must have been for him. So now, I have a better understanding of him than I've had in the last year and 8 months. Amazing what a little communication and faith can do!

[cygny]

that was a really long post, so i skimmed it (sorry) but here's my impression. i don't think its karma. it's common sense. trust only people who show themselves trustworthy. people who are cheaters and liars rarely change. you know the song, promises, promises... i know you are hurting and i'm very sorry for that but maybe this gives you a chance to reconsider the people you choose to have relationships with. use it for good. don't wait for him. don't feel like you owe him. you do not, you have given him good things too. it is likely he will drag you back down if you stay.

[MoonDancer]

Hi, cygny: It was a long post, wasn't it? I'd have probably skimmed it myself! :-) Anyhow, prior to reading it in your post, I had strugged with "people who are cheaters and liars rarely change". I guess my saving grace from falling victim to that line of thought is that his past and mine are very similar yet I've worked very hard to overcome my flaws (lying, infidelities, etc.) and have been successful to this point. When I came clean about everything, so to speak, it was so liberating as to have been almost orgasmic. :-) I had never realize what burden I carried with my lying and such until it was lifted and I found peace for the first time in my life. When he and I talked, he came clean about things that I suspect he feared I would leave him over, but he did came clean. That was very important. I think if he continues with such sharing and openness and I continue to support him and try the best I can to be supportive and understanding, that he'll eventually discover such freedom as well. So, I think before leaving him, I must first give effort towards understanding him better (i.e. his needs, wants, desires, etc.). Hopefully, it'll work. :-)

 

MoonDancer

[cygny]

congratulations on your liberation, that is truly a rare achievement. i hope it all works out for you and good luck.