I've had enough... Think I'm tapping out...

[Lishy]

Walk I did what you did 100 times - All it does is prolong the agony and put it off until another day! Why sit and wait for the worst to happen? Why hang around getting treated like a child? Why stick with a guy who does not love you like you deserve to be loved?

 

I understand the fear you are feeling more than most Walk and I will tell you this from experience, it gets worse!

 

The fear you feel is just more proof of the hold he has on you. He has made you feel so worthless and downtrodden that you have turned it into fear and now you do not feel you deserve any better than he can offer - You probably even feel like no one else would want 'stupid you' anyway, right? WRONG!!!!

 

He has made you feel like you do right now! Do you like feeling like this? Leaving, getting up and getting your stuff and walking out of the door is SO DAMN SCAREY, but you know what hon? It lasts until you are away and then a feeling of peace overcomes you! He cannot continue to have this hold over you darling!

 

I know you want someone to give you the magic answer! To hear someone tell you that they was in the same position and now they are so happy with their partner .... You wont hear that honey!

 

You need to leave when the time is right for YOU! No one can tell you to leave because you need to feel that strength deep inside you, but honey all you are doing is prolonging it!

 

Take it from someone who lived it!

 

Love you Walk, and remember, whatever you choose to do I am here for you!

 

[blind_otter]

Why are you afraid of the confrontation? It's the anticipation that's worse. You don't need a reason he understands, nor do you need to justify what you do in order to maintain sanity and some kind of grasp on yourself.

 

I will pray that you find the strength you need.

[Walk]

*sigh* I'm sick. ick.

 

He's texting me that he's upset now because I didn't take his $20 he left for me. You know how awful that makes me feel. I have no money at all, I have things I absolutely need, he's mad at me because I "take" more then give. And now he's mad I didn't immediately take his 20 bucks.

 

So I text him back and tell him I don't want to take anymore especially if he feels all I do is take.

 

And I'm mad now, so I text him again.. long ones. I'll write what I wrote.

 

"I wante my feelings to be seen as valid to. I feel I set mine aside 4 you. How I feel is unimportant. I apologize for hurting you. But if I'm hurt you say I shouldn't be."

 

"My first day at a real 4 year college and I was scared, afraid. But not a word from you cause your pissed at me. When I need you, you get angry and I deal with it alone."

 

"I try to be availabe anytime for you. I'm punished for upsetting you. I beg forgiveness and have to make reperations. Forget my pain and focuse only on you."

 

His response:

 

"Fine... Your right, I'm wrong. Feel better?..."

 

So I thought maybe it sounds like I'm pulling a power trip or something. I don't think I am. It's just that I've modified my behavior a great deal, and I don't feel he does. That I either deal with it, or get out.

 

So I asked him if he feels I have any reason to be hurt by his words and actions, or if I'm just trying to deflect the blame from me to him...

 

His response: "I have no clue what-so-ever as to what your intentions are. I tried explaining that to you, and still you can't tell me why you do things the way you do, or don't do them."

 

I can't explain it over fricking text messaging. This is retarded. Why is this so much like 18 year olds bickering over texts. This is so f***ING retarded!!!!!!! I feel like I'm 12 or something. You said this.. no, you said.. no.. you hurt me... no, you started it.. no I didn't. yes you did. no you did...

So mature to resort to "fine you win."

 

I quit. I give. the world wins. f*** me and what I wanted out of life. I'm just an overly emotional, thin skinned cry baby who passes the buck whenever she does something wrong. fine. I'm wrong. the worlds right. I'm gonna go isolate myself from everyone so i can't cause any more problems. I just want to scream and beat something. why can't anyone understand me when I speak? my ex couldn't either. I'd say I wanted to spend at least some time together with the ex, and he'd act like I was asking him to slit his wrists or run a steak knife through his heart. All I wanted was a night where we didn't spend it at the home improvement store shopping for his toys. Now i want my bf to understand that sometimes he says harsh shyt and it makes me pull away. and all he says is it shouldn't, and i don't understand you. no one understands me. So it must be me. When everything in your life is like this, then it must be me. I'm the common denominator. Work thought i wasn't seeing the "bigger picture" and I was selfish because they'd promised me a promotion, but then said how it would be better filled by someone outside the department. That I needed to understand how important my position was and therefore they couldn't promote me. Didn't matter that I'd been doing the higher position for the past 2 years already. Didn't matter that I came in and ran the department by myself the day after breaking my back in three places and had my arm re-set from a break. I'm selfish. So it's me. I can't express myself. I'm talking and it's just coming out nonsense. That's all I can figure. It's all nonsense. Bunch of air and noise and no substance. f*** it. i quit.

f***ing quit.

[clandestinidad]

Walk, honey...if I remember correctly, your ex was abusive as well. Abusive people do not understand others, and they never try to. Trust me. I'm curious if one or both of your parents were like this too, since we tend to be in relationships with people who treat us the ways we're used to (no matter how $hitty it is)...but I dont want to bring up other bad things to get your more down, just to say that maybe its what youre used to....it has nothing to do with YOU.

 

Expressing your wants/needs/opinions does not mean youre selfish or pulling power trips. Thats what relationships are all about. Each person bringing their feelings and what-not, and caring for each other through it.

 

Anyway, try to take a look at the patterns of men you've been with. Similar characteristics maybe. Then think back if there was a guy that you remember fondly, who treated you well. If you've had a good one, then you know how a relationship SHOULD feel. If youve had a lot of bad ones, then maybe some changes about who you let in your heart would change....we have to recognize the pattern first.

 

I guarantee its not you, walk. If it was you, you wouldnt put so much effort and introspection into everything you do.

[Walk]

I've only really had 2 serious relationships. First from 1995ish to early 2003, then this one beginning of 2004 til now. I went out on dates with a few guys in between but nothing more then a drink at a bar.

 

Guess that's all I have to go on really. 2 relationships. Neither were what I had really wanted or felt I needed.

 

It just kills me because my bf and I went to visit my parents one evening, and bf was asking my parents (who have been together for 30+ years) how they've made it work. He was acting all like, see Walk (insert my name), it's all about communicating and understanding your partner. And being willing to comprimise, etc. etc.... Like he was in total agreement with them. Like he understood what it really took to make a good relationship. This is why I fell for him so hard. He would spout all this crap about what makes a good relatinship good. It's everything I thought and believed in. He'd go on about communicating, and understanding, and believing in your partner.. blah, blah... but in the end. What happened to caring, understanding.

 

And we had long discussions on why when someone gives something from the heart the other person isn't always going to place as much value on it as the giver. It might not be what they had really wanted from the giver, but if the giver only gives what they want should the receiver think it's the greatest thing in the world? And his answer was no. That you try to give what your partner really wants and needs, not just what you feel like giving. Then he turns around and gives exactly as he wants and expects me to be completely satisfied. But I can only give what he wants, or else he tosses it aside as unimportant and a waste of my energy.

[Walk]

Thank you Kat, Blind Otter, Lishy, WWIU, and the rest. I know I didn't list all of you. You don't know how much I appreciate your support, and for letting me continue to vent/talk. I really, really appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

[blind_otter]

no problemo. i was in your shoes many times. only recently have i been able to get out of poisonous relationships relatively quickly. it's a learned behavior, the emotional disconnect you need to do. At the end of 2004 everyone here helped me struggle through a difficult breakup, which ended up with the abusive crazy narcissistic a**h*** breaking into my house and trying to kill a friend of mine.

 

I let it slide too long, let it get too crazy, and I blamed myself for the subsequent chaos. I only hope that this helps you get out before it escalates into anything worse...

[Outcast]

Look, Walk. Your mistake is giving sooooooo much importance to what he says to the point that you believe anything he says about you, no matter how ridiculous, stupid, or unfair it is. You don't feel as though you are allowed to think well of yourself. You have given him your brain and allowed him to do all your thinking for you. STOP THAT!!!!

 

SCREW WHAT HE SAYS!!!!!! His opinion DOES NOT COUNT because it comes from behind a filter of dysfunction. He wouldn't know a good woman if he fell over one!!!!!

 

YOU MUST STOP BELIEVING WHAT HE SAYS OR WRITES OR TEXTS AT YOU.

 

You have to shut him out and leave. You need a cult deprogrammer to get you out and when you're in the light of day and out of the cellar of his bad opinion you'll be able to see clearly but as long as you allow his words to sway you, you will remain imprisoned in his sick world.

 

GET OUT NOW.

 

Don't talk to him, call him, text him or anything else. Leave him a note and GO. It's not skanky or whatever you said. It's SANE!!!! To stay with him is self-destructive - do you get that?

[Becoming]

Walk, will you please check out whether there's a counselling center on campus and make an appt. to talk with someone who can help you sort all this out?

 

It feels like you're at a critical crossroads in your life where you're being asked to choose life or death for yourself. And you need someone who can sit down and help you see what's going on. Choosing life is a series of small steps, and this is an important one.

 

What do you really want? You really want to be loved, as we all do. You want to be able to trust another to care for you in a way that feels good for you. This is perfectly normal, not irrational or expecting too much. You're not too thin-skinned; you're a sensitive soul who wants to love and be loved. We all reach out to you because we recognize the beauty of your spirit and the universal struggle we all have with relating to another human being.

 

You want to have someone hear you, respect you, want you (at work and at home). But that won't happen until you learn to listen to your real self, not the one everyone wants/expects you to be for their benefit. And you may not know who that is anymore, as often happens to people who've been trained from an early age to think that their primary job in life is to meet others' needs with the assumption that they'll meet yours. That may have worked in an earlier day (i.e. with our parents' generation in some traditional places), but it doesn't today. You have to learn how to take care of you, and you probably haven't learned how to do that.

 

A counselor can help you sort through all this. But you are going to have to choose at this crucial juncture in your life whether you want to life YOUR life or die completely to be someone else's drone to be thrown away at whim. Your job did this to you (grrrrrr), now your man. You want to blame yourself; there must be something wrong with you. BS! No, there are just really bad people in the world, and you have to learn to discern who they are and protect yourself from them--something you probably didn't learn how to do growing up because you didn't need to.

 

But now you do need to know this. So choose. And please, for the sake of the world that needs your lovely insights, choose life for you. There are people out there who want what you have to offer; they're just not in your immediate life right now. But counseling can help you sort through whatever things you may be doing that contributes to the situations you've found yourself in in the past so you can avoid similar ones in the future.

[littlekitty]

I just got a mental image from that. HA ha ha ha!

 

Glad to have given you a smile in an all too miserable time of your life Walk.

 

I hope you find the strength and resolve to move forward with your life. But I understand how hard it is to walk away from a situation like this. Lishy made some excellent points about that.

 

Keep coming here and venting. We're all ready and listening....

[d'Arthez]

You are weary, Walk. Weary from the struggles. Weary because of your thoughts - which are also self-defeating, as the result of the years of emotional abuse you have been through. Not knowing what to think anymore. But also aware that something has to change drastically. You can't go on like this.

 

Outcast is absolutely right. You can't think clearly anymore - but that does not mean that this sad excuse for a man is right. It only shows how much you have been manipulated, and how hard it is for you to dispel the charm he has put you under. But you must. And you can - you will.

 

Becoming is absolutely right. Get counseling. Get away from this guy. Nothing worse to live there where you can be constantly tormented, by someone who claims that it shows his love for you. Mental health is priceless - and he has contributed squat to that.

 

We are here to support you. Friends are there for you, to support you. You will slowly start to make sense of yourself. Self-reflection is a valuable asset - and you will discover what it is you want in your life. What you want to achieve, and what to avoid.

Your boyfriend won't be there anymore to make you feel worthless, a thief, or whatever charming accusation he was wont to come up with.

 

Make the effort. And with that your weariness will slowly disappear. This is your life. Not the life of someone else. Make the best of it.

[witabix]

Still here Walk.....

 

I have no more advice for you, only that I am thinking of you in your time of need.

 

You will pull through this.

 

Strength.

[Walk]

He honestly thinks he treats me like gold. He reiterates taht he pays for all the bills, take me out to eat, buys me everything I need or want, he makes me dinners, listens to me when I talk, goes places I want to go to, does things I want to do.. and then I throw it in his face that I feel like he doesn't care or support my feelings. But that he doesn't feel I care about his physical needs at all. He says he'll bust his ass for 30 hours in 2 days, get home, cook me dinner, and then i can't be bothered to meet his needs. and everytime he brings up his needs, i throw that he doesn't meet my emotinal needs in his face. He said what is he supposed to do? pay all the bills, feed me, give me money, buy me gifts, give me everything before i'll even consider meeting his....

 

He said I've got to be crazy. That there is seriously something wrong with me. H ecan't believe that i'd act as though he's some kind of abuser when all he says is "why'd you let my coffee run out?" as a joke. when he lays it all out, i feel like i must be crazy. i must be. maybe that's the problem. it's not anyone else. it's me. i am the worst person in the world. to put so much strain on someone and never give back. all i had to do was meet his sexual needs. that's it. he would've been happy. i had all kinds of excuses. got defensive. said i didn't feel loved. and he still comes home, still takes me out, still talks to me. even after i don't do anything.... goes places with me. why can't i do anyting right? i told him i just wanted him to acknowledge my feelings as valid. he said he did. couldn't i see that? that he doesn't talk down to me. he may make jokes and comments but he doesn't call me stupid or incapable. that he wouldn't work 80 hour weeks if he didn't believe in me. and what more do i want from him. he's already working himself to the bone and then i ask for more.........

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Kat, Blind Otter, Lishy, WWIU, and the rest. I know I didn't list all of you. You don't know how much I appreciate your support, and for letting me continue to vent/talk. I really, really appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

 

You're welcome Walk.

 

The more I read about him and the way he thinks/feels and treats you, just the way he is, the more I'm convinced this guy is not only a complete selfish a**h***, who probably has fleeting moments of being nice when HE feels like it, but I tell ya...He is a Narcissist.

 

Please, get out. This is only going to get worse, he is making you feel awful and making it seem things are not right because of you. That is NOT the case here. I really hope you see that or try to grasp that...HE IS the one who has all sorts of issues. As much as he may make you feel good, that few minutes of feeling good is not worth all the s*** he's putting on you and most of the time making you feel crazy. LOVE isn't supposed to be like this.

 

I hope you feel better, keep posting. You have alot of love and support here on LS.

[Mary3]

Great Post Becoming .

 

As someone who is where you are right now Walk I can guide you through how you will feel when you make your escape plan.

 

1. ) Don't tell him when you are leaving . Do you expect him to say " Oh God thats the greatest decision you ever made ! " You won't win in the walking out the door and he's standing there. You must pick a time to leave and say Goodbye Room. Goodbye ( Insert his name ) and shut the door.

 

2. ) It helps to have someone on the other

side thats going to take you in and calm your fears and support you in every aspect as you get strong and get on your feet again.

 

3. ) Don't be surprised if you desire to go back. Thats pretty common in abuse victims. They feel scared , confused , they want the familiar back even if the familiar is horrid.

 

4. ) Being alone and getting counseling and writing to us here at LS are you Life Guards ! Please talk to us and to your counselor and try to tune out his thoughts and ideas of how you should have been.

 

5. ) Do not tell him where you are going if possible. Its easier to heal without the mindless chatter and berating that he pushes on you 24/7

 

6. ) He does alot for you but he expects big rewards back . Sexually speaking. Now sexually speaking this is the problem : Women connect emotionally with sex, If you are not happy and he is not meeting your needs emotionally, its pretty hard for you to engage in such an intimate act or even desire him when all he does is contradict and complain about every single thing you do.

 

7. ) Is there something wrong with you ? Yes ! You are depressed , beaten down emotionally. You are starving for the emotional part and you are dying inside. Now is the time to save your life.

 

8. ) So he thinks he does everything but he does not do the most important thing and he can buy you things and do til doomsday but he does not understand your real needs. He does NOT * Get it *

 

9. You have done 740 gazillion things here and nothing has worked.

 

10. Final words for you , I heard this most recently. Please read this aloud and its going to make some sense. :

 

" I beat myself up over and over about something and it felt so good when I stopped ".

[filarena]

Sorry to hear about all this, Walk. FWIW, just because you have yet to meet someone who respects you enough to meet your emotional needs doesn't mean it's your fault. You deserve better and you shouldn't feel bad for thinking so. If a man loves a woman, he doesn't make her feel as though she owes him sex, like it's an obligation. Personally, anytime my girlfriend has appeared to not be in the mood herself and offered sex but I can tell it's because she feels bad it's been a while, I tell her no. I don't care how long a couple has been together, in my mind, the man is obligated to seduce her, the woman is not obligated to sleep with him. And a boyfriend who doesn't care about the emotional needs of his girlfriend isn't much of a boyfriend at all. Hard as it is, you need to leave this guy and remember IT'S NOT YOU.