Is this normal in relationships?

[Miss Spider]

So my husband gets passive aggressive and judgmental when I hang out with my best friend, A.
 

My husband doesn’t like her because he thinks she is partying all the time and is sleeping with different men. I don’t think that’s his business though.!There’s some truth to the fact she likes to party, but she’s a genuinely good person just struggling right now.

 

She finally has a good boyfriend, but she still goes out and has fun on nights they don’t see each other. It’s healthy

 

My husband, however, says I’m going to be out drinking all night bar hopping because I go out for a few hours with her.  I meet her at the bar she works at then we go to a few other nightlife places to meet up with friends. I’m allergic to alcohol so I don’t even drink that much btw. Ive only come home buzzed a couple times. I may have a shot or two or nurse a cocktail and just talk with her for a few hours. He’s ALWAYS invited. 
 

Sometimes we’ll come to the house and he’ll be like “oh you’re hanging out with A, guess I won’t see you all night “ l or “enjoy shopping with your trashy friend” He tells me she uses me and she’s a bad person. All not true.

 

He said being friends with her reflects bad on me, and therefore him, and that no one understands why I choose her as a friend. I just feel like we connect and have together and it’s none of anyone’s business’s, including him. 

Lately I  have been feeling very trapped in my marriage, so I’ve been trying to examine what might have led me to feel this way. I feel like this is a huge part of it. 
 

Tonight, I said I felt like leaving the house and going to bar with A and he said “gonna go get wasted with your trashy friend, huh. What a surprise ” and just generally became moody and mad.  I said he could come and he said “hang out with A and listen to her talk about herself all night? No” I said well I want to go out so either I go downtown with my friend or he go with me to a pub to just get some fresh air and a drink and people watch. He said  he would go with me to “save me from A”. I said let’s just stay in tonight. Totally took the wind out of my sails

Also I should mention my husband is quite popular in terms of lots of people know him but he has no real friends he hangs out with regularly without me. He’s kind of reclusive . 
I feel so trapped and stifled, like I’ve lost my freedom and I can’t do what I want to anymore. It’s making me want to be free 

I guess my question is is  this normal? How should I deal with this ? How should I talk about it with him(he gets very defensive if I point out it’s suffocating for me) 

Edited yesterday at 02:01 AM by Miss Spider

[happyhorizons]

4 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

So my husband gets passive aggressive and judgmental when I hang out with my best friend, A.
 

My husband doesn’t like her because he thinks she is partying all the time and is sleeping with different men. I don’t think that’s his business though.!There’s some truth to the fact she likes to party, but she’s a genuinely good person just struggling right now.

 

She finally has a good boyfriend, but she still goes out and has fun on nights they don’t see each other. It’s healthy

 

My husband, however, says I’m going to be out drinking all night bar hopping because I  l I go out for a few hours with her.  I meet her at the bar she works at then we go to a few other nightlife places to meet up with friends. I’m allergic to alcohol so I don’t even drink that much btw. Ive only come home buzzed a couple times. I may have a shot or two or nurse a cocktail and just talk with her for a few hours. He’s ALWAYS invited. 
 

Sometimes we’ll come to the house and he’ll be like “oh you’re hanging out with A, guess I won’t see you all night “ l or “enjoy shopping with your trashy friend” He tells me she uses me and she’s a bad person. All not true.

 

He said being friends with her reflects bad on me, and therefore him, and that no one understands why I choose her as a friend. I just feel like we connect and have together and it’s none of anyone’s business’s, including him. 

Lately I  have been feeling very trapped in my marriage, so I’ve been trying to examine what might have led me to feel this way. I feel like this is a huge part of it. 
 

Tonight, I said I felt like leaving the house and going to bar with A and he said “wow you are turning into a trash panda” and just generally became moody and mad.  I said he could come and he said “hang out with A and listen to her talk about herself all night? No” I said well I want to go out so either I go downtown with my friend or he go with me to a pub to just get some fresh air and a drink and people watch. He said  he would go with me to “save me from A”. I said let’s just stay in tonight. Totally took the wind out of my sails

Also I should mention my husband is quite popular in terms of lots of people know him but he has no real friends he hangs out with regularly without me. He’s kind of reclusive . 
I feel so trapped and stifled, like I’ve lost my freedom and I can’t do what I want to anymore. It’s making me want to be free 

I guess my question is is  this normal? How should I deal with this ? How should I talk about it with him(he gets very defensive if I point out it’s suffocating for me) 

There is nothing wrong with having a GOOD friend that you enjoy going out with. So many times, ladies, in particular, get label a CERTAIN WAY simply because they are SOCIAL and go out with different men.  Your friend is NOT MARRIED so what's the harm in her dating different guys and that is CERTAINLY NO REFLECTION on you.  This seems a LITTLE controlling to me which is not remotely healthy just my observation.

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

There is nothing wrong with having a GOOD friend that you enjoy going out with. So many times, ladies, in particular, get label a CERTAIN WAY simply because they are SOCIAL and go out with different men.  Your friend is NOT MARRIED so what's the harm in her dating different guys and that is CERTAINLY NO REFLECTION on you.  This seems a LITTLE controlling to me which is not remotely healthy just my observation.

Thank you! That’s how I feel. But I needed someone other than my friends to  validate that. He makes me feel crazy. like I am calling him controlling out of nowhere.

[happyhorizons]

2 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

Thank you! That’s how I feel. But I needed someone other than my friends to  validate that. He makes me feel crazy. like I am calling him controlling out of nowhere.

You are definitely NOT CRAZY.  Nobody has the RIGHT to control another person nor how they think and/or act.  So often, introverts try and MAKE an extrovert conform to the way THEY LIVE.....not good.  Be who you are and be proud of that and live the way that makes you happy. 

[Gebidozo]

This is not normal. Your husband is controlling, and there is no wonder that you’re feeling suffocated and long for freedom.

If you continue to tolerate this from him, you’ll eventually resent him, grow out of love with him, and will have to go through a painful belated breakup. It would be much better to handle this problem once and for all right now..

Tell him straight that his behavior is unacceptable, that you have the right to hang out with your friend, that you aren’t doing anything unethical or disrespectful, that you feel imprisoned and controlled. Tell him that if doesn’t change, you’ll leave.

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

“oh you’re hanging out with A, guess I won’t see you all night “

Is there any truth to this?  

[NuevoYorko]

I brought this up in your other thread and I don't think you commented on it:    I think that a marriage really can only sustain so much of one partner going out to bars / clubs with "the girls" or "the boys" and leaving their spouse alone at home.   

I'm 100% for people spending time with their friends or on their own doing what is important to them, which can include just having solo time.

But doing it in bars and clubs very often?   There are probably a pretty small number of marriages that will remain healthy through that.

Especially when you already have one foot out the door of your marriage.

 

[Gebidozo]

Oh, I just realized the thread’s OP is the same as in “Married, But Eyes Are Wandering” thread.

OP, is your husband being controlling because he feels that your “eyes are wandering”, or did your eyes begin to wander because your husband has been too controlling?

In the first case, disregards what I wrote in my previous post, and please understand that you’re deflecting the blame from yourself to your husband. He has every right to ask you to stop going to bars if that’s where you find yourself barely able to resist your temptations.

In the second case, your “wandering eyes” are an understandable, but hardly proper response to your husband’s control issues. Either you want to repair your relationship with him, and then he should stop being so controlling, but you should also nip those temptations in the bud; or, if you have really fallen out of love with your husband, you should set him free.

[basil67]

With regards to your husband voicing his dislike of your activities, how long has this been going on?   If it's new behaviour on his part, what changed prior to him talking like this?   

[ExpatInItaly]

Your other thread clearly describes your waning interest in your marriage, and your increasing curiosity in other men. 

Perhaps your husband is catching on to what's really happening here. There is a lot of context missing from this specific post. 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

Tonight, I said I felt like leaving the house and going to bar with A

You go to bars on Tuesday nights.....I am afraid to ask how many times a week you go to bars? Also, you are being very creative when you say you're allergic to alcohol BUT then talk about coming home buzzed and you list the alcoholic drinks you're having. I am allergic of alcohol, I can't even have those chocolate with rum in them. 

You don't want to be married. You want the life of a single woman. You see your husband as an obstacle to your fun, your friends, your sex, your nights out. You made a mistake to marry, you were nowhere ready to compromise for the good of the marriage. A marriage cannot be about me me me me. 

[Miss Spider]

15 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

You are definitely NOT CRAZY.  Nobody has the RIGHT to control another person nor how they think and/or act.  So often, introverts try and MAKE an extrovert conform to the way THEY LIVE.....not good.  Be who you are and be proud of that and live the way that makes you happy. 

 

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Oh, I just realized the thread’s OP is the same as in “Married, But Eyes Are Wandering” thread.

OP, is your husband being controlling because he feels that your “eyes are wandering”, or did your eyes begin to wander because your husband has been too controlling?

In the first case, disregards what I wrote in my previous post, and please understand that you’re deflecting the blame from yourself to your husband. He has every right to ask you to stop going to bars if that’s where you find yourself barely able to resist your temptations.

In the second case, your “wandering eyes” are an understandable, but hardly proper response to your husband’s control issues. Either you want to repair your relationship with him, and then he should stop being so controlling, but you should also nip those temptations in the bud; or, if you have really fallen out of love with your husband, you should set him free.

Ty that’s exactly what I was thinking. The controlling behavior is making me feel resentful and long for freedom. I’m too young still to be stuck at home, unable to enjoy life with my friends. I really don’t know how to talk about it with him though because he says I can do whatever I want when I’m actuality he gets so moody and gives me so much s*** for it that it sometimes doesn’t feel worth it. 

[Miss Spider]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is there any truth to this?  

Well, I mean we’ll go to the other side of the house and hang out with each other and just have a girls night. He’s welcome to come, but he doesn’t want to do that and why would he? I just feel like it’s heathy to have time away with friends and I’m happy for him when he spends time with his friends without me.
 

It’s never “all night” either . I’ve come home at 2 or 3 a couple nights but those are rare. Most of the time it’s before 12. I’m allergic to alcohol so I can’t drink much without getting sick( though my tolerance has increased). He doesn’t have a limit with drinking the way I do so I get why he wants to avoid it, but that’s his prob, not mine 

[Miss Spider]

13 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I brought this up in your other thread and I don't think you commented on it:    I think that a marriage really can only sustain so much of one partner going out to bars / clubs with "the girls" or "the boys" and leaving their spouse alone at home.   

I'm 100% for people spending time with their friends or on their own doing what is important to them, which can include just having solo time.

But doing it in bars and clubs very often?   There are probably a pretty small number of marriages that will remain healthy through that.

Especially when you already have one foot out the door of your marriage.

 

I don’t really go to clubs though just dive bars with friends or music venues to see a show. I mean maybe you’re right that married couples can’t go out alone at night and survive but I guess I didn’t know that. It seems so stifling to me. Like when he goes out to a dive bar with friends to watch the game and have some beers, im totally cool with . If it was some sleazy bar with women gyrating their body to top 40 hits that might be different 

[Miss Spider]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

With regards to your husband voicing his dislike of your activities, how long has this been going on?   If it's new behaviour on his part, what changed prior to him talking like this?   

It’s hard to say, basil. I’ve only recently took note of this controlling behavior in trying to figure out why I feel unhappy and have been interested in other men. I think we used to go out a lot more and he took me a lot of places with him and there was a lot of drinking involved at times. But lately he’s cut back on that a lot because he knows it can be problematic for him and he wants to focus on work and be more productive vs partying which I respect. Also there were times in the beginning I felt like he was going out too much and coming home at like 5 in the morning after partying and we got into it because I felt it’s unacceptable so he stopped. Now I regret that and long for that time

lately though, I feel like I came out of my shell and want to experience a lot of the life I missed out on. I’ve made new  friends and want to have fun. Or at least be able to go out to a bar with my friends without my husband sometimes ? Idk. 
 

ty

Edited 8 hours ago by Miss Spider

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

I’m too young still to be stuck at home, unable to enjoy life with my friends.

I will say it again, if this is your perception of marriage then you should not have married.
 

33 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

I just feel like it’s heathy to have time away with friends and I’m happy for him when he spends time with his friends without me.

You are not wrong, but context is important here. Of course it’s not a problem for him to spend time with friends… but, I doubt that you would be happy if he was staying out until 3am with friends who are drinking and picking up women in bars. You essentially say as much above - it was not ok with you when he was drinking and coming home in the wee hours. That’s the difference in context.

But now, the shoe is on the other foot and you feel that he should not have a problem with your decision to stay out and party? It doesn’t work that way. 

I go out all the time - I meet friends for dinner, we go to the theatre or to a movie, I volunteer, etc… I don’t however stay out until the wee hours with friends who are drinking and flirting with men in the bars - that kind of behavior is not respectful to my husband, and his safety and his feelings in the marriage are important to me because he is my chosen life partner. 

If I wanted to stay out until the wee hours with my friends who are drinking and going home with men I would not have made the decision to get married - I would have chosen to stay single such that I could do whatever I wanted.

Your husband is unhappy because your decisions are disrespecting your marriage and your partner. He has a right to be unhappy - if I was staying out with friends who were behaving the way that your friends are behaving I have no doubt that I would find myself single… my husband (being of a more mature age) would not try to restrict me, he would leave me. This is not what either of us agreed to when we agreed to marry - the occasional poker night with the boys or dinner and a movie with the girls is not a problem - staying out late  while engaging in flirtatious and risky (to the marriage) behaviors would be a HUGE problem. 

Edited 8 hours ago by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

I think we used to go out a lot more and he took me a lot of places with him and there was a lot of drinking involved at times. But lately he’s cut back on that a lot because he knows it can be problematic for him and he wants to focus on work and be more productive vs partying which I respect.

There is the thing, he has matured while you have not necessarily matured in the same way. You are not really compatible in this way anymore. You have different values and different expectations. 

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I will say it again, if this is your perception of marriage then you should not have married.
 

 

So what do I do now though ? I love my husband. You guys say just divorce or leave him like it’s so easy, but I also do love my husband. As it stands, if I’m being being brutally honest, yes, I am definitely become more interested in other men, but it’s more of a superficial, idealistic thing like I had with my husband in the beginning. It’s not grounded in anything meaningful like it is with my husband, I am smart enough to know that at least.
 

 I feel like the sparks have faded. But I think it is a little bit premature to be like “ OK, bye” ?  This is the longest relationship I have had and it’s just been about three years now. I’ve read that relationships can ebb and flow. The attraction and spark can be rekindled. I don’t know I don’t see how that really is the best option for either of us. Because I know he loves me too. I just feel like I had turned myself off in terms of the world outside my husbands for several  years and now I am realizing there are more out there and that maybe I should just do a little harmless flirting and get it out of my system. 
 

thank you for your insight 

Edited 7 hours ago by Miss Spider

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Miss Spider said:

So what do I do now though ?

Individual counselling. 

You need to learn more about yourself and about relationships before you can or should make a life changing decision about your marriage.

And while you are doing this, I would suggest that you invest more of your time and energy with your husband and spend less time and energy partying with friends. As they say, the grass is green where you water it. 

 

Edited 7 hours ago by BaileyB

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

So what do I do now though ? I love my husband. You guys say just divorce or leave him like it’s so easy, but I also do love my husband. As it stands, if I’m being being brutally honest, yes, I am definitely become more interested in other men, but it’s more of a superficial, idealistic thing like I had with my husband in the beginning. It’s not grounded in anything meaningful like it is with my husband, I am smart enough to know that at least.
 

 I feel like the sparks have faded. But I think it is a little bit premature to be like “ OK, bye” ?  This is the longest relationship I have had and it’s just been about three years now. I’ve read that relationships can ebb and flow. The attraction and spark can be rekindled. I don’t know I don’t see how that really is the best option for either of us. Because I know he loves me too. I just feel like I had turned myself off in terms of the world outside my husbands for several  years and now I am realizing there are more out there and that maybe I should just do a little harmless flirting and get it out of my system. 
 

thank you for your insight 

I'm raising my hand as one who doesn't think you should divorce.  I think you need to adjust your expectations of marriage and put your efforts in on the home front.   And definitely avoid the guy you've got the hots for - those feelings will fade quickly if you don't feed them.  Spend quality time with your husband. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't be socialising, but a girls lunch rather than bars might be more appropriate.  You don't have to stop having fun with the girls, just be smarter

[Gaeta]

How old are you OP?

[happyhorizons]

2 hours ago, Miss Spider said:

So what do I do now though ? I love my husband. You guys say just divorce or leave him like it’s so easy, but I also do love my husband. As it stands, if I’m being being brutally honest, yes, I am definitely become more interested in other men, but it’s more of a superficial, idealistic thing like I had with my husband in the beginning. It’s not grounded in anything meaningful like it is with my husband, I am smart enough to know that at least.
 

 I feel like the sparks have faded. But I think it is a little bit premature to be like “ OK, bye” ?  This is the longest relationship I have had and it’s just been about three years now. I’ve read that relationships can ebb and flow. The attraction and spark can be rekindled. I don’t know I don’t see how that really is the best option for either of us. Because I know he loves me too. I just feel like I had turned myself off in terms of the world outside my husbands for several  years and now I am realizing there are more out there and that maybe I should just do a little harmless flirting and get it out of my system. 
 

thank you for your insight 

You can certainly LOVE your husband but not be IN LOVE with him (IMO).  It certainly seems as if that romantic/agape type love is not present or at least as strong as maybe it once was. I wonder if his actions/attitude towards you and what you enjoy doing have somehow "soured" the intense love that you once had for him?  

[basil67]

@Miss Spider   Individual counselling has been suggested and I think it's a great idea.   

May I also suggest marriage counselling?  Learn more about how the other feels and try to find ways to get both your needs met. 

[NuevoYorko]

It's not my normal approach to say "get a divorce" but in a case like yours I'm not seeing much else to be done.  On your other thread you are talking about your interest in other men and your disinterest in your marriage and husband, in this one you are only suggesting "harmless" flirting as a way back to a happy feeling in your marriage.  Also in this one you're starting to shift "blame" onto your husband for being controlling, suggesting that this is why you are tired of being married, interested in other men and your idea of fun is going out to bars and clubs with a friend on the prowl.  

You are actively messing up your marriage and not even asking questions here about how to restore your marriage.  

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's not my normal approach to say "get a divorce" but in a case like yours I'm not seeing much else to be done.  On your other thread you are talking about your interest in other men and your disinterest in your marriage and husband, in this one you are only suggesting "harmless" flirting as a way back to a happy feeling in your marriage.  Also in this one you're starting to shift "blame" onto your husband for being controlling, suggesting that this is why you are tired of being married, interested in other men and your idea of fun is going out to bars and clubs with a friend on the prowl.  

You are actively messing up your marriage and not even asking questions here about how to restore your marriage.  

I do want ways to fix my marriage, but I just don’t know what it could be fixed other than i want a spark back and I don’t want to be trapped or controlled.  I want that excitement that comes with somebody new and somebody completely different that I find interesting and mysterious and vice versa. My husband sees my flaws and though he compliments me and we have etc , I am not lusted after by him as much as stranger bc I am ‘old’ to him. And that feeling is so exciting.
 

 So I wanted to go out last night and in the back of my mind, just being honest, I was hope t to see if that guy was there. Now I asked my husband and he said he would go out with me tonight and I am still hoping that he’s there. It’s sounds  effed up, but it’s a silly crush. And it’s not even just him. It could be someone else. I just want to be able to flirt and be free and no, I’m not going to cheat. It Is highly, highly unlikely I  become the “married woman who has an affair “ . It’s not me and I just do not lead with my D in that way, I don’t care about. But I have been thinking it is harmless to flirt the way I’m (using that term) I see my friends do it all the time. A has an SO and he’s out of town a lot and she goes  out all the time without him.  The way I mean flirt is just making eyes, bantering, chatting, making the person feel special.. I flirt with women all the time by my definition,  but husband doesn’t really care bc he doesn’t see them as a threat.I feel stifled. I don’t think we are all monogamous creatures by nature. We choose monogamy and choices are limiting /have consequences  . 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

@Miss Spider   Individual counselling has been suggested and I think it's a great idea.   

May I also suggest marriage counselling?  Learn more about how the other feels and try to find ways to get both your needs met. 

I’m definitely not opposed to getting therapy. We could probably all benefit from it. But I am hesitant about marriage counseling at this point because my husband doesn’t think anything is wrong and I am not sure anything is wrong either. I am just really confused right now. I’m sure if I told him that we need counseling he would be really confused and asked me why and I would hate to have to tell him that I am just bored of our relationship. I don’t think we could ever recover from that.

 

 

anyway, thank you for trying to help me and trying to understand. I really appreciate it. It does help and I take everyone’s words to heart

Edited 2 hours ago by Miss Spider